Eli

It's my fault.

I didn't kill the kid, but I might as well have. I got there too late. I was worried about dumb crap like college and my girlfriend (not that she's dumb) instead of keeping my mind more open to people who were mentally ill. People like me.

If I had been a minute sooner, maybe I could have…

Ugh, my therapist told me that those kinds of thoughts are natural. I'm sorry but, how it that supposed to make me feel better? Good to know that these terrible thoughts are natural, but how do you make them go away!?

To know would be taking the easy way out I guess. I always gotta take the hard way for some reason.

The scariest part of that whole thing is, it could have been me. Last year, I was driving into a brick wall because my girlfriend wanted time apart. I was plagued with a mental illness, and if I hadn't gotten help, if my parents hadn't been there to make me see someone...the kid covered in blood, the one that everyone is mourning, that could have been me. I wonder who would have found my body if I died. Would I haunt them like Campbell is haunting me? Would that person think they were too late?

Seeing Campbell's body in that greenhouse, just…lying there…. it gives me the same icy feeling that I had when I got the call that Julia died.

I walked up to him – to his body – and hoped that he was just unconscious, or an accident happened, that his eyes would still be open and he would just be upset he cut his arm by accident. For once, I wanted a cocky smiling jock to be there. I didn't want that. I didn't want to see a kid dead.

Total body count in my life: 2.

Julia was my fault; she got on her bike when I had screamed at her. And now…and now because I was so busy worrying about trivial bullshit, another kid, another person who was loved, had died.

For the first time in my life, I'm hoping Clare is right about religion. I hope there is a heaven somewhere.


A/N - I am super proud of this story, its different then what I've written before, and I am very happy with it. Second to last POV is next: Maya.

I wish the most recent Degrassi episode highlighted the dangers of MDMA (Molly) for kids with unstable chemical imbalances in their brain. Oh well, another plot for another time.

If you read, review please!