Chapter Four:
More War
BENJAMIN'S TENT – Night
Benjamin: Sleep well, Gabriel.
Lee: I'll help you bury him.
Benjamin: Get away!
Lee: Benjamin, he stinks!
Benjamin: (gasp)
Lee: Uh…
Benjamin: It is over and there's nothing you can say to make me go back out there!
Lee: Think about your children.
Benjamin: What children?
Lee: Fool.
Benjamin: Leave me alone!
Lee: Fine. You know where to find us if you change your mind.
Benjamin: Make me!
PATRIOT ENCAMPMENT – Night
Lee: You have returned to us, young artichoke.
Benjamin: Surprisingly, Lee, I took your words to heart and well, here I am.
Morgan: Tell me about Cornwallis.
Benjamin: Who are you?
Morgan: On a scale of one to ten, what sort of idiot are we dealing with?
Benjamin: Cornwallis is about a one-forty-five and that just ain't me.
Morgan: Ouch.
Benjamin: Tell me about it.
Morgan: Well, I've just discovered that he has about 6,000 total infantry, some under Taving…
Author: Did I hear someone say "Tavington?"
Benjamin: Oh, Lord…
Lee: Go away, Author. Now is neither the time nor the place for your sick fantasies.
Author: Do you know that right now, at this very moment, I could erase you from the story completely?
Lee: Erase me…?
Author: Completely obliterate you, si senor.
Lee: Oh pooh! Fine!
Author: Let me help you and I promise to get rid of Tavington.
Lee: Like erase him?
Author: Something like that…
Lee: (raises finger to object)
Author: (makes cut throat gesture)
Lee: Fine, just get out of my sights! (stomps off like the wimpy emo baby he is)
Author: (notices men staring) Carry on, lads. Just pretend I'm not here.
Benjamin: I have a brilliant idea! We shall trick Cornwallis and prove that he is as stupid as he is fat!
DeLancey: Very well, and how do you propose we go about doing this?
Benjamin: Easy. We use our weakness as a…uh…uhh…
Author: Defense?
Benjamin: Yes, that's the one! We'll use our weakness as a defense and accidentally have our lines break before them and then attack from the rear. It's foolproof!
Author: And yet not enough.
Benjamin: What's that?
Author: Oh, nothing.
COWPENS – Day
Benjamin: THEY MAY TAKE OUR LIVES, BUT NOT OUR FREEEDDDOOOOOM!!
Author: Wrong movie, man.
Benjamin: Oh, right.
DeLancey: You should really be leaving now.
Author: Moi? Why?
DeLancey: You could get killed.
Author: So could you. Why don't you leave?
DeLancey: Actually…
Benjamin: Enough! And now I shall ask a stupid question and drudge up painful memories for DeLancey! (turns to DeLancey on his horse) How old were your daughters?
DeLancey: Why must you torture me?!! (proceeds to ring Benjamin's neck)
Benjamin: (gurgle) And your wife… (sputter, hack)…was she as beautiful as you are?
DeLancey: TURKEY!!
Author: No, no, gentlemen! Let's turn it off! (turns to see Tavington on the hillside) OMG, TAVY!! (squeals and runs off)
Benjamin: Get ready, men. Tavington is much more deadly and intelligent than we are.
Lee: Exactly. Wait! Hey!
HILLSIDE – Day
Tavington: Irregulars are at their center. Perfect-o.
Author grabs Tavington, who is now kicking and screaming, and drags him down the hillside.
COWPENS – Day
Random Patriot: Look, the British are coming!
British Redcoat Army: We're coming!
Benjamin: Why is everything so obvious?
Lee: Steady!
British Redcoat: AIM!! 1 – 2 – 3 – FIRE!!
Lee: 1 Mississippi…2 Mississippi…3 Mississippi…4…Oh, uh, FIRE!!
Redcoat/Patriot Soldiers: (die)
HILLSIDE – Afternoon
Cornwallis: Where the blazes is Tavington?
