A/N: Please enjoy this latest chapter. It's a little bit more reflective; told from Sasuke's perspective and piecing all of his thought processes together, particularly from the Land of Waves Arc, my absolute favorite arc. Sorry for the delay in the update. Hope that all of you are having a good end of year.
Hopefully, I was able to deliver an emotionally and intellectually stimulating chapter. Take Care, and be sure to leave your thoughts.
(What) Should Have Been (Mine)
"What's it to you, anyways? You barely care anymore, right? You don't even live in Konoha," Naruto spat back, rolling his eyes for what felt like the millionth time.
He wordlessly turned himself around until he was on his hands and knees, presenting himself up for fucking; ass in the air, facing the pillowcase - behaving more like Hinata than himself. It made Sasuke raise an eyebrow; at Naruto's indignant, inaccurate wallowing - because really, how could Sasuke not have cared about the Hyuuga dilemma when that's exactly the kind of shit that got all of them into this ridiculous injustice - but also at his overall lack of reaction.
What was he trying to do; run away?
Avoid the subject?
As if Naruto could ever hide from Sasuke.
As if either of them could ever hide from the other...
And what was with the passive aggressive position? Naruto knew that Sasuke hated not being able to see his face when they had sex; even if all they did was bite and spit at each other, it was still better than anything else. If all Sasuke wanted was a warm body to stick his dick in, there were still hundreds of pathetic women lining up around the block who knew nothing about him but how sharp his cheekbones were - or whatever; ready to be fucked like a flesh-light. Sakura at the head of that line, of course.
Naruto was supposed to understand him; or at least try to.
"Yeah. I don't care at all..." Sasuke lied smoothly, "Let's do this then."
He leaned forward and spread Naruto open, parting the soft flesh of his ass, stroking his fingers down the crevices of his skin, and breathing delicately against his throbbing entrance; just a little red and puffy from being fingered earlier, and glistening wet with remnants of the lubricant. Naruto tried to move out of the position to get some leverage, but Sasuke held him in place until he finally looked over his shoulder to face him, "Come on, already..." he hissed through his clenched teeth, flushing high on his cheeks.
Sasuke said nothing; just kept watching as little drops of lubricant dripped down his legs, Naruto's breathing getting heavier as he grew more impatient; his pink hole twitching and fluttering under Sasuke's gaze as he impatiently clenched his fingers in the sheets.
"Ah, ahnn, what are you, ah, waiting for? World peace?"
Sasuke suddenly froze; considering just what exactly he was waiting for. He could and should fuck Naruto now; like he usually did at this point, but for some reason he felt so jarred that Naruto had completely misconstrued his point; and felt his erection wilt away. Which was a huge deal because Naruto was the only person who could make him naturally aroused; with a kind of concentrated intensity that made up for his lack of response elsewhere. But Sasuke was fully limp now; thinking that Konoha's Great Savior really had changed...
He used to be the sun; a force of nature disguised as a twelve year old boy.
He had swept into Sasuke's life and upended everything; re-shaping it in the bright warmth of his image. He was so bright that even when Sasuke had still been in the dark, in every way possible; all it had taken was the thought of his bright smile; the set of his clear sky-blue eyes - and he hadn't even blinked before throwing himself in Haku's way to die for him. He hadn't known it then, fucking barely understood it now; but there was nothing that felt as real, or as right, as being in Naruto's presence; to be able to see the world as Naruto believed that it could be.
He would have died for him then; still would.
Even when he was half delirious from Haku's needles - looking out onto the 'Naruto Bridge' in the Land of Waves, and seeing the stupidly orange silhouette of Naruto's tiny figure - he had been pulled in. The cracks in Naruto's frustrated, pre-puberty voice dug into his very existence, and wouldn't leave him be; and so he had observed as Naruto looked head-on at Zabuzza, the mass murderer who would have killed them all just minutes ago, and called him out for being the coward that he was. Not to taunt; but to force him to contend with the fact that Haku loved him; the fact that Haku had tied every fiber of his being to Zabuza and never let go, not even in death. Naruto screamed that Zabuza needed to make that mean something; make Haku's death mean something more than the disrespect those thugs were showing his corpse.
Naruto had seen the humanity in two literal mass murderers, and had empathized with them; had wanted them to be better because he believed that they could and should be better; and be treated better in kind. And so Zabuza died as a better man who understood Haku; the Haku that had only ever wanted his love, wanted him.
Against the split splat of Naruto's tears, and the paralysis in his own legs; Sasuke had found himself praying that the two of them could end up together too.
Sasuke, who hadn't so much as visited a shrine since the massacre, had prayed to God for the peace of a boy who had pretended to kill him.
Impossible?
But he had prayed; because of Naruto.
Now that he is older and knows more (or maybe, has learned that what he actually knows is nothing at all); he sees himself in Haku. And he sees Naruto in Haku too, even Itachi in Haku – or perhaps, he was seeing elements of Haku in all of them. Four boys running in a marathon for the title of 'Most Fucked-Up.' Four boys manipulated by the overarching forces of a Godless world - throw in Neji and Gaara for good measure; and all of ANBU's Root division too...
But the point is that even before he realized any of this; Sasuke had been willing to die for Naruto and the bright image that he had imagined. Even if Itachi had truly been evil, and blackmailed him to stand down by threatening Naruto; he would have done so in the hopes that that image would become a reality in Naruto's outstretched hands.
A better world; no genjutsu needed...
Naruto had always created such overwhelming feelings in him. And really, it was because of that ability, that he left.
Because Sasuke had realized that he could be happy with Naruto; but Sasuke wasn't supposed to be happy. Wasn't allowed to be happy – that wasn't his fate. If he kept imagining the world that Naruto believed that they could live in... he'd forget the one wherein his brother had killed their parents; and then later, the one where a thirteen year old was blackmailed into mass murder by threatening his eight year old brother...
Naruto was different; good and bright, beyond everyone else... He had the unique power to change people; make them listen - and it went doubly for Sasuke.
Because others tried to change him too; and failed. Laughably.
Like Kakashi taking the moral high ground; condescendingly pointing out how Sasuke should treasure his precious people in life because he hadn't been able to. But Kakashi wasn't able to extrapolate in any meaningful way. He couldn't understand how Sasuke had needed to go kill Itachi not because of some narcissistic pride; but because his life was not his own - the power that he sought was not for glory or himself, but for self-immolation. How was he supposed to sit back and relax when every superstructure that shaped his life wanted him alone and miserable? And then later; how was he supposed to forgive them when he learned that they had wanted Itachi and all of his family dead? God, Sasuke wasn't even the youngest; there were literal toddlers; newborns massacred - who could forgive Konoha?
Like how Haku had used his convictions to motivate his entire existence; was willing to die for Zabuza by jumping into his chidori - it didn't matter to him if the Zabuza who he died for didn't care for him (though he did), was just another awful thug (which he wasn't) because Zabuza was his everything; the source of his conviction's strength. Just like it didn't matter to Sasuke even if Orochimaru killed him, so long as he could fulfill his convictions as the sole Uchiha survivor first; no matter who else's feelings got hurt. And then later, if he could strike out on Itachi's behalf - sweet, pacifist Itachi who just wanted to eat dango, and read books, and be normal - then he would; even if it meant his own damn end. Perhaps especially if it meant his end.
The parallel was not perfect, Haku's story was not his own, but Sasuke had felt the measure of his life just as distinctly.
And then there was Sakura - who had cried performative tears for Sasuke in the Land of Waves, leaned over his body and wept at his injuries; but never had it in her to reach into the deepest parts of herself and find pure empathy; find solutions to the problems around her by understanding people's convictions and contending with them. Simply, she had wanted Sasuke; and thus filled her head with Sasuke. And later, she had tried to kill the Sasuke that she couldn't understand; that wouldn't behave as she wanted...
When he had left the village, she had tried to get him to see that she would feel 'loss' if he left. And Sasuke didn't want to hurt her – had never hated her; liked her, valued her as a precious person even – but she was so selfish that he felt hollow at her near-sighted proclamations. Didn't she realize that Sasuke's choices weren't about HER or even HIMSELF? The pain of his loss was totalitarian; thrust upon him by a world he couldn't know; while she had had easy love and friends and family.
She was comparing apples to cyanide tablets being shoved down his throat. His whole world was a theater show of corruption and deceit; and Sasuke had just been playing his part.
Sakura was sweet, and Sasuke believed that she at least thought that she loved him – and in her own limited, narrow-minded way - perhaps she actually did.
But Sasuke had never wanted someone to love him; he had wanted someone to show him how to live.
Did Naruto understand him completely? Of course not; he was still a giant, easily-swayed dobe.
But he understood what Sasuke had needed to move on, to change, to breath, to feel happy, to be bright, to envision a new life...
Naruto had showed him that, which is why Sasuke loved him, and exactly why he had to leave the sphere of his sunshine to fight his demons in the dark, face-to-face, as a demon himself.
.
And now that it was over?
The Naruto of today was a different being entirely. Apparently, whatever nuanced understanding he had had of love, and conviction, and a better world at twelve was purged from his system. At nineteen; he became the sort of person who confused his taste for ramen with real human love for another person, the sort of person who could turn around and get fucked into the mattress by Sasuke, sure, but couldn't face him and answer him like Naruto.
Sasuke really didn't know what to say.
"Incredible," Naruto huffed and reached for the dropped tube of lubricant, popping it open and pressing some out onto his own fingers. "That's the problem with you, isn't it?" he said, warming the substance by rubbing it in between his fingers, "You don't have any follow-through to do what you just said you'd do. Whether it's fucking me, or making Konoha less corrupt;... you don't even try anymore."
He met Sasuke's eyes, as he began to reach over to his near-flaccid length, and coat it in lubricant; staring at him intensely all the while. Sasuke was still silent. They were balancing on some kind of precipice; and Sasuke realized that he wanted to cry looking at the man before him, wanted to stab himself for allowing his Naruto to become this person, but also wanted to kiss him because he was still his Naruto – within reach but so far. It was sickening because it was so fucked up; but he wanted Naruto to say something to him; force his hand, and confront the tension in the room. He just needed Naruto.
Eventually, however, Naruto grew tired of this; as Sasuke didn't appear like he was going to do anything. So he sat back; still a little hard but wilting now too. He narrowed his eyes at Sasuke, before shaking his head, "Fine then; let's do this now."
His blue eyes went dark and he leaned in; his breathe ghosting across Sasuke's skin,
"-did you stay home to help me make Konoha a better place like you said you would? Did you help me with any of the negotiations? Forget getting the Hyuugas to re-consider - that's my cross to carry and when I die and see Neji, he can rightfully slug me across the face for the rest of eternity; though he won't because he's actually a good guy unlike the two of us - but what about getting Itachi-san's story out there in the public? How was I supposed to do that without you?"
Sasuke bared his teeth, and Naruto did too; chakra swirling like electric energy around them.
And in it, Sasuke could hear the words, said in a voice that could pull him home from the edge of the world;
'I'll never go back on my word. That's my ninja way!"
Sasuke's throat clenched tight in overwhelming emotion. Shock? Happiness? Disbelief? Hope?
Whatever it was; for a second, it made him almost forgot to hate himself.
A/N: And the story continues. That was a challenging chapter to write; I feel a little vulnerable putting this version of Sasuke out here. Hopefully; this story will continue to interest you. I am so grateful to you for even reading this story up until here. (It feels so good to be validated about the awfulness that is the Naruto ending.)
Special thanks to everyone who has supported this story by following, favouriting, or reviewing ~ I really appreciate it!
