AN: Thank you so much for the follows and awesome reviews! They make my day and make me update faster. You guys are the best! Glad you all like it as much as I love writing it (my much needed therapy after the "you know what" tragic scene in TFA). I hope this chapter doesn't disappoint. It was very difficult to write...poor Little Ben is in for a quite a shock...
Chapter four - The painful truth
Rey creeps into the room with Finn following after her like a shadow.
It's like he is protecting her. But from what? I'm the only one here...oh come on the lightsaber thing was a one time only and Rey scolded me for it. She doesn't need a protection...at least not from me...
She takes one look at Ben and exhales relieved when she sees he's in one piece. "I hope your dad wasn't too hard on you." She takes her seat beside him on the sofa.
"He hugged me." Ben says in a disbelieving voice, as he doesn't believe it himself that he had survived after harming the Falcon. Ben had tried to fall asleep as his father had told him to rest, but how could he fall asleep with so many unanswered questions?
"Oh that's good...and surprising..I didn't think he was so soft." Rey turns to Finn, who stands like a watchdog before the chesstable. He looks stunned over the revelation and a little disappointed for some reason.
Maybe he's one of those people that hates kids with passion? Or at least kids with forcepowers...and lightsabers...well if I ever get a lightsaber again I will give him a good reason to...at least fear me, not hate that's too strong feeling, a darkside one...though I doubt dad would let me get off as lightly next time...
I still can't believe he...
"And cried...what did I do to make my dad cry? He never cries..." Ben whispers outloud and gazes at Rey, like she should hold the answers to everything.
Maybe she can shed some light on all of this?
Rey doesn't answer. She bites her lower lip, something that Ben has noticed she does when she is nervous.
Finn however leans over the chesstable threatingly and barks like a big dog at him. "You've made plenty of people cry."
"Finn.." Rey shakes her head in warning. "Dont..."
"Why do you hate me so much?" Ben barks back like a little dog at him.
Can you just please tell me? And what the...do you mean I've made plenty of people cry? Maybe I should start crying to show him how unthreating I really am...
"Do you know what you did?" Finn's word are laced with hatred.
Ben shakes his head.
"Right, you don't remember anything! Like the fact that you kidnapped her and tortured!" Finn points at Rey like otherwise Ben would think he was referreing to someone else.
"What!" Ben shouts in bewilderment.
How could I kidnap anyone? I'm just a kid! I couldn't even lift something so huge...eh beautiful with my force powers. I'm not that strong. And I would never torture anyone.
Ben looks at Rey and tries to gauge her reaction to this ludicrous accusations.
Rey says in a dark voice. "He's not the same person."
Thank you! Someone else did. Finn must be confusing me with somebody else...much bigger and stronger...and evil. Probably this Kylo Ren guy...and Finn thinks I'm him because for some reason I was wearing his clothes? Could be his clothes I'm not sure yet...but what a mistake to make! Finn must have hit his head or something...poor guy no wonder he's always on the edge...
"Yeah, besides I would never do something like that." Ben snorts over that riddicules suggestion.
Finn leans further over the table and casts a big shadow over little Ben. "You wanna bet?"
"I didn't...did I?" Ben looks at Rey for help, after Finn has straighten himself up and his scary shadow has dissapeared.
Rey just stares deeply into his eyes, as if she's excepting someone to be hiding inside of him. "I knew there was a homesick child inside of you."
"Huh?"
Inside? I am a homesick child...
"Luke will get his saber back...when I find him." Rey says to change the subject.
What is she hiding...what is everyone hiding from me? Wait find Luke...?
"Uncle Luke is missing?" Ben asks horrified. "Since when!?"
"I was told to look for Luke Skywalker." I was too caught up in admiring his lightsaber my brain didn't even register what it truly meant...
"Does dad know? Does mom know? We should try finding him before meeting her. He could be in great danger!" Ben hops down onto the floor and is about to sprint to the cockpit to tell his dad about the new plan, when Rey grabs him and puts him back on the sofa.
"Don't worry we have a map, though it's just a piece..."
"Rey! Why are you telling him this?!" Finn shouts in panic, like she had just revealed some important information Ben is never allowed to get.
Rey shuts her eyes and through clenched teeth she whispers. "Finn...just shut up for a minute..."
Finn opens his mouth and closes it like a blowfish. "But I...he?" Finn shakes his head, after having getting a deathglare from Rey and takes a seat in the farthest corner. He crosses his arms and pouts.
Ben feels a tiny bit sorry for him but just a tiny bit. It isn't his fault he hit head and is being paranoid and delusional. Nevertheless Ben is grateful for the opportunity to be able to speak alone with Rey.
I should be able to get some answers now...thank the force she doesn't hate kids like Finn...or has hit her head and thinks I'm evil incarnate. Then I would be in big trouble, having to sit back here with two people who hate my guts for something I did...or they think I did...
No poor Rey is only looking for a new family, as her old one is gone. She's even looking for my uncle, who has vanished for some reason...
"Why is he missing...?"
I hope it had nothing to do with me...no, it can't be. I wouldn't stir up that much trouble to get away from uncle...would I? Sure he can be boring...but mom would kill me if I let anything bad happen to her brother...
Rey looks uncertain how to proceed but at last she looks him straight in the eyes, as if she's about to reveal some big secret concerning him. "Your father told us that a pupil of his betrayed him and killed all of the other pupils."
Betrayed...? Killed!
"That's so mean! Poor uncle Luke. I hope we find him soon."
"Yeah...me too..."
"The map should help, we just need the rest."
Rey goes rigid.
"What Rey? What did I do?"
"Nothing...you just reminded me of someone else for a moment."
Probably this Kylo Ren guy who kidnapped and tortured her...great now she has started to confuse me with that guy like Finn...but I can't worry about that, Luke is in danger from whoever killed all the other pupils...
Wait all the other pupils? How come I'm still alive? Did I get away? Is my memory like this because I'm in a state of shock over what happened? That's why I ended up in some strange place. I was trying to get away and dad found me and rescued me? But what about these clothes? Didn't I find my own when I was running away? And the helmet...a disguise? What about the lightsaber? Did I steal it...from this Kylo Ren guy or whoever attacked the Jedi Academy? How did I manage that, I'm just a kid...I'm not powerful like grandad was who was the chosen one...I'm just...normal...
At least...then I'm not in trouble...no there is something else...why else would Rey and Finn have been so afraid of me, Finn practically hates me, dad is so sad and Chewie so angry. There is something I must have done to make everyone mad or sad...or maybe everyone just worried about me or still shocked over what happened.
Maybe the guy or this Kylo Ren kidnapped me and was trying to turn me to the darkside but only had handmedowns or the worst tailor in the galaxy...or the worst possibility...I really, really hope that one is not true...
"Do they know...who did it?" Ben gulps and his hands start shaking.
"I...don't know the name of the culprit...but I think I know who did it."
"And who do you think...did it?" Ben asks but is dreading the answer with all his being.
Please don't! Please don't!
"You wouldn't know him...don't worry about that..." She give him that sad smile, he often had seen graces her features but despite her sadness, he is beyond relieved.
Pheeew, so I didn't kill the other pupils in a homicidal rage...I can at least cross that out of my list...I'm not sure how I could live with myself if I did something so horrendous...I would never be able to face my family again...
But I shouldn't be feeling sorry for myself, poor Rey has no one. We don't even know if we'll ever find uncle...I've an idea!
"You're part of my family now."
"Pardon?"
"Since your own family is gone, I'm adopting you. Mom has always wanted a daughter too and I don't think dad will mind..."
Yeah, whatever I did, I will get into mom's good graces by giving her the daughter she always wanted and I wouldn't mind having a sibling...
Ben doesn't get any further as Rey, who is so overcome by emotions pulls him into her embrace.
"Thank you..." She whispers.
Finn, who still sits in the farthest corner, looks flabbergasted over their exchanges.
Ben gets loose from Rey's embrace. "Finn, where is your family? Do you also want me to adopt you?"
"I don't know and no thanks. I don't want to belong to a monster."
Monster? Me?
"Finn, that wasn't nice to say." Rey rebukes him.
Finn crosses his arms. "I will say whatever I believe is right."
Ben does his best not to let his hurt show, by flashing him an innocent smile. "Okay, let me know if you change your mind."
Finn just shakes his head.
Good, I don't want you either...at least not until you stop hating me...
Heavy footsteps approach them and his father appears in the doorway. "Ben, you can't go adopting all people."
"Why not? There is plenty of room in our family, right?"
His father doesn't seems to know how to answer that innocent question and turns to Rey instead. "Rey, can you pilot again for a while? I want to speak to my son...in private."
"Of course...he remembers a tiny bit..." Rey says in low voice and stands up. "From the past, I mean."
The past? When did we speak about my past? Ah, the Jedi Academy...
"He asked for forgiveness." Rey continues.
Though I don't even know what for...
His father nods. "So I heard. That might makes things a little easier..."
Easier...?
"Finn, are you coming?" Rey turns to Finn, who hasn't moved an inch since Ben's father appeared. He stares ahead and pouts.
For someone who hates kids so much, he sure is acting like one now...
"Finn? Are you still sulking?" Rey bites her lower lip. I'm sorry for yelling at you earlier...but you were being a bit...impossible..."
"I said in private, big shot." His father says in a firm voice.
Finn stand up with a gusto and fixes Ben's father with a hard glare. "Why didn't you tell us earlier he was your son?"
Earlier?
"Finn...this is not the time.." Rey begs him and tries to pull him away but Finn bats her hand away. "Rey, I want to know why he lied to us."
"He didn't lie...not exactly..."
Lie? About me? Since when?
The sadness creeps back into his father eyes. "It was too much pain..."
Pain? Why did dad say that...?
"I never expected this. Forgive me." He bows his head.
Expected what? I'm a...disappointment to him? Whatever I did at the Jedi Academy much have been huge...I hope I can make amends for whatever that was.
Finn wants to say something else but Rey has had enough and pulls him with her on his shirt collar.
"I wasn't finished!"
"Yes you were. Leave them alone."
"Reyyyy!" Finn yells when she drags him out.
"Dad, where are we going?"
His father holds his hand, as if he has afraid he wouldn't follow him otherwise and pulls him quickly along the corridor of the Falcon. Ben has trouble keep up with his long strides so he has to run.
"Somewhere, where there is more privacy." His father rounds a corner till the stand they in front of door, Ben recognises as the crew chamber.
"More privacy for what?"
The door opens up with a hiss, they step inside and it closes behind them. There are two cots inside.
"Son, we need to talk." His father points at the cot against the wall. "Sit down."
"What's going on dad? Why are you so serious? Am I...in trouble?" Ben becomes frightened. "I'm sorry for slicing up the ship! I don't why I did that!"
Chewie has convinced him to at least pull my arms out and dad needed privacy so no one would hear me scream...though Finn would proably just be happy but Rey hopefully sad or angry..
"Stop worrying about that. You've been forgiven for that mistake and no you're not in trouble..." His father says those words, like he can't believe them himself. "Sit down."
Phew...but then what am I in trouble for...?
Then it dawns on him and he shouts:"I'm also sorry for whatever I did at the Jedi Academy!".
His father looks shocked and stares intently at him. "What do you remember?"
"Nothing...to be honest, but something happened right?"
"Yes, but that was a long time ago." His father says it like it's not even relevant anymore, just some old news.
"Huh? What do you mean?"
Long time ago? Was I in coma or something?
His father picks him up and puts him down on the cot, while he starts pacing around the floor without taking his eyes of him. "Son, what I'm about to tell you won't be easy. I have decided...or well Chewie, that it wouldn't be wise to keep the truth away from you for too long. If had my way, you would never have to know anything..." He glances at him worriedly before continuing his pacing.
Chewie seems to be really angry at me and not just for slashing the ship...
"It's way worse not to know anything. You and mom are always hiding something from me." Ben frowns at him.
His father stops in front of him and frowns at him in return. "We did it to protect you, nothing else. But I'm afraid I can't protect you from this truth..."
Finally, I will get all the answers!
His father starts pacing again while occasionally glancing at Ben, who waits as patiently as little child can wait for his father to proceed.
Ben sees how difficult his father has with formulating the right words but that doesn't come as suprise to him, as his father has never been a talkative man. In fact this was oddly similar to that time Ben had asked him where do babies come from. His father had gotten a strange look, kinda like something got caught in his throat but at last he had told him to ask his mother instead and had flown away in the Falcon.
Although his mother is also known for her tight lips, she was more than happy to answer at least that question, said it was important to know these things and had even give him holos to study.
Ben still regretted tremdeously of having ever asked that question and had often whished to able to erase that travesty from his mind but without any luck.
I hope this truth is nothing compared to that horror, though dad looks as equally nervous...but how come dad changed his mind about having mom explaining..whatever this is...to me?
"You know, you don't have to do this. I can just wait for mom to tell me." Ben says after having lost his patience when his father has done nothing except making circles in the floor with his constant pacing.
We can't be that far away from Corusant...I can wait...a bit longer.
His father stops in front of him and shakes his head. "No. It's very important that you know the...big story...before meeting your mother...in the rebel base." He put a lot of weight behind the word rebel base, like he thinks that word is the key to everything which in turn only makes Ben even more confused.
"Rebel base? She's not in the senate? On Corusant?"
Rebels? In our time? Like in Vader's, the time of the Empire. Hang on...why was Finn a stormtrooper?
His father gets a painful expression. "Son...Corusant doesn't exist anymore."
"What...?" Ben falls back in shock and hits his head on the wall but just as soon as the words have left his father's mouth, he knows them to be true.
A memory floats back up to the surface of his mind, maybe thanks to the knock on the head or something else, where he stares out a view shield on a huge laserbeam going in a straight line...
"The Hosnian system.." Ben mutters in shock.
"Yes, it's all...gone." His father says sadly.
Ben suddenly remember how he felt billions of voices crying out in anguish through the force. He remembers the deep pain he felt and the fact that he knew he had crossed the final line and could never go back...to the light.
No! NO! It's impossible!
"It's my fault!" Ben jumps down from the cot and points at his father accusingly. "You lied. You said I wasn't in trouble! I blew up a whole star system!" Ben grows cold, he's about to throw up. The room starts spinning around him and he starts to hyperventilate.
It's worse than I thought! Way, way, way worse! What have I done?!
"I'm gonna be thrown in jail! Executed!" He grabs his head and kneels on the floor.
I can never face anyone after this! Never!
His father picks him up and embraces him. He sits down with them on the cot and rocks him in arms and rubs his back, like he hadn't done since he was toddler.
"Son, calm down, it's not your fault...it was the First Order. Did you...push the button?" His father asks like he is afraid of knowing the answer.
"No..." Ben doesn't look to convinced, that he is out of the hot water.
I thought at first I must had pushed some important button by accident, though that sound silly despite it seriousness, but something tells me that I did not do that...but why does it still feels like it's my fault?
"Did you...give the order?"
"No, that was stupid Hux..." Ben knits his brows and looks up at this father. "Why did I know that? Who is this Hux guy anyway?"
His father exhales relived. "See, you did...nothing wrong. No one is going to put you on a trial...not on my watch." His father whispers into his hair.
Dad clearly doesn't know this Hux guy either...
"But..why was I with the...you called it the First Order? I thought I was with uncle Luke? Why is he missing?"
No, please don't tell me...anything but that...I didn't...
His father sighs. "Many years ago you were training with your uncle..."
"Many years ago?" Then at last the implications of his father's words hit him.
Long time ago, many years ago...
"This is the future?!" Ben shouts beyond shocked.
"Yes, how old are you now?"
"Ten...I think...I don't know..." Ben grabs his head in panic.
I don't understand anything!
"This is twenty years later or so...except you only changed in size..and mind."
Ah...that explains the big clothes...and why dad is so old now...and why I don't remember anything...!
"So what you are telling him, is that twenty years from now..." Ben asks, as calmly as possible, like he's calculating instead of trying to make a sense of messed up world...his world.
"No, it has already happened. It's not going to happen again." His father says with a finality.
"Okay...in my thirties, I will be with this First Order...black helmet, black clothes, red saber..." Ben's eyes grow wide as saucers."I turned to the dark side!"
"Yes...you called yourself Kylo Ren..." His father says with disgust.
I'm this Kylo Ren guy everyone is afraid of?!
"But why...? Why did I do something like that? Is uncle Luke okay?!" Ben grips his father shirt in panic. "I didn't kill him, did I?!"
Rey wouldn't be searching for him if he was dead...unless she is looking for his body! It's my fault he is missing...isn't it?! I'm that pupil that killed everyone! Mom's going to kill me! I'm so dead!
His father loses his grip. "No...he's fine. Let's not go too deep into this...what matters is that you are with us now and we will help you change back..."
"Back...I don't want to turn back into my dark side self!"
I kidnapped and tortured Rey...it was the truth...Finn hates me for a...good reason. He wasn't just being paranoid or delusional...
"Forgiven! You're lucky that she even talks to you!"
"I don't want to belong to a monster."
He was so right! I'm...was a monster!
"It won't necessarily turn out that way. No, your mother and I won't let it happen again...but you don't want to be kid forever, right?"
"I want grow up of course...but not like this." Ben is agitated. "Mom is furious, isn't she? You will ground me for life for turning to the dark side..." Ben looks lost, hopeless. "I'm going to jail for the all the bad things I did...and I don't even remember doing them!"
"Son, you are not going to jail." His father says in a firm voice. "Your mother won't let that happen. You're just a kid, they can't put you on trial..." His father voice trails off. "We won't let that happen, don't worry. We will protect you. Stop worrying so much, leave that to the grownups..."
"I'm so so so sorry! I don't know why I did these things. I don't remember anything...just sometimes gets a glimpse...feelings...I don't want this! Please make this stop!" Ben yells in desperation as his mind flashes to memory before his transformation.
"I want to be rid of this pain."
This is even more pain!
"Kid...you're exhausted. Get some sleep." His father helps him lie down on the cot. He pulls a blanket over him and pats him on the head. "Goodnight, try to rest and stop worrying."
But when he's about to leave Ben grabs his hand. "No, don't leave me!"
"Son, I.." His father looks torn between leaving to pilot his ship and staying with his emotional distressed son.
"Please..." Ben begs.
His father nods and stays with him.
Where is this place?
Ben walks in what looks like a throne room of some sort. A huge hologram of an withered old man or an alien towers over a man dressed in black attire with a helmet, the one he saw lying on the catwalk.
No...this is a memory. Get me out of here...
Ben looks desperately for an escape route. There is none.
"...in the hands of your father. Han Solo." The creepy hologram says in challenging voice, a voice that sends shivers up Ben's spine.
The voice of the darkness, of his old nightmares...
No! It's that voice! That voice who tormented me! I don't ever want to hear it again!
Ben covers his ears but still hears what his masked self answers.
"He means nothing to me." His masked self answers in a cold voice through a vocoder.
This is me...was me?
The creepy hologram leans back with an evil grin. "We shall see. We shall see."
Then suddenly the hologram turn his attention towards him.
"You..." His dark eyes seems to bore into his soul, making him go cold. There is nothing in there except pure hatred.
"No, leave me alone." Ben backs away in fright.
"You, have failed me. I will hunt you down and torture you to insanity."
"Why can't you just let me go...!" Ben pleads.
"I will kill your whole family."
"NOOO!"
All of a sudden the scene changes.
"Forgive me."
His masked self sits on a cod and seems to be talking to someone, though he appears to be alone in the room.
Is he...eh I talking to himself...myself?
"I feel the pull to the light. Show me again...the way to the darkness. And I will finish what you started...grandfather."
Grandfather? What's he...eh I talking about. I have no darkside grandpa...
Ben turns and sees that his masked self is talking to what appears to be a churned helmet. Ben walks towards it. He jolts up when he recognizes that helmet.
Darth Vader?!
AN: Leia is in the next chapter. ;)
