Kappa Mikey:
Snarkymen Fever
Part 4
By Emerald
"Mew, meow, me, meu!" sang the dancing sushi. Mikey and Mitsuki stared at the living consumable, entranced by the boogie. "Meo, doi, me, meow!"
"Ooh, dancing sushi!" Mikey suddenly exclaimed. Then he picked it up and popped it into his mouth, the sushi screaming bloody murder. "Mmm, my favorite!"
"Noooo!" screamed the Japanese owner of the street corner shop, hands covering the sides of his face. Mike and Mits had approached his store to question him on the whereabouts of Mr. Featherbottom, but got distracted for what seemed like four minutes. Completely coincidentally, this was also the length of an average commercial break.
"Mikey, I don't think you were supposed to eat that thing!" Mitsuki said, breaking out of the psychedelic trance the sushi had put her in. She was still tripping out though, and proceeded to study her hands as if she were afraid they were going to fall off and start attacking random puppies.
"What-a have-a you done-a!?" the Japanese man with an Italian accent asked incredulously, a river of tears running down his face and forming a puddle at his feet. A leprechaun started row-boating across the water.
"Sorry, my bad. How much do I owe you?" Mikey asked, taking out his wallet as the leprechauns boat hit an iceberg and sunk.
"It-a was my most-a prized possession! It-a was priceless!" The Japanese man with an Italian accent and a blond afro said. The leprechaun started shouting obscenities as he drowned.
"Oh, then I guess I don't owe you anything." Mikey said, putting away his wallet. He didn't quite grasp what the word 'priceless' meant, and Mitsuki couldn't quite grasp control of her motor reflexes, as indicated when she randomly slapped a bird in mid-flight.
"What-a you say? It-a was worth everything-a to me!" The Japanese man with an Italian accent, blond afro, and leisure suit said, wondering why the chick with blue hair was acting high just from watching the sushi while the guy with orange had eaten it and didn't seem to have any adverse affects.
"First it's worth nothing, now it's worth everything? If you can't make up your mind, then we'll just be leaving. C'mon, Mitsuki." Mikey said, then he grabbed Mitsuki's hand and led the two of them away from the screaming Japanese man with the Italian accent, blond afro, leisure suit, and pimpin' sunglasses. Mitsuki quickly came out of her trance when she noticed that Mikey had her by the hand.
"Uhmm, Mikey." A very red-faced Mitsuki nervously said, "Y-you're holding my hand."
"What? Oh yeah. Sorry about that." Mikey said, not turning to look at her as he let go.
"I wasn't complaining…" Mitsuki started to say. But by then Mikey's attention had turned to other important matters, such as wondering where monkeys go when they die. Mitsuki mentally kicked herself for having said anything. But she kicked a little too hard, and ended up with a bruise.
"I know how we can find Featherbottom!" Mikey explained whose mind hadn't been completely filled with chimps, "We'll hire a detective!"
"Yeah, that might be a good idea." Mitsuki said, her mood starting to brighten. If she couldn't have Mikey, the next best thing would be her stuffy.
"Right. He'll be chimpanzee for hire, who dusts for clues with a banana peel and throws barrels at all who get in the way!" said Mikey, who's mind actually had been completely filled with chimps.
"Let's back up a bit." Mitsuki said, sweat drop running down her forehead. "Isn't that a detective agency across the street?"
Just across the street, an old lady was being mugged by a ladybug. But that wasn't important, because behind that scene there was an old, run down, two story building. A deteriorating sign boldly proclaimed, "Colorful Parakeet's Detective Agency" in rainbow tinted block letters.
"Ooh, a bird will be even better than a monkey! We'll ride on its back and search from up high, getting in dogfights with commie double-agents!" Mikey said excitedly. Mitsuki didn't want to lower Mikey's enthusiasm, so she kept her mouth shut and followed Mikey across the street and into the building, passing by a knocked-out grandmother and the police men at the scene.
The room was completely empty, except for a staircase and the rats that occupied the walls and floor. Mitsuki, who unlike most women did not find rats disturbing, didn't think anything of this. The orange haired wonder, on the other hand…
"Aiiiee! Furry little woodchuck demons!" he screamed like a murder victim and ran up the flight of stairs. A loud crash later and Mikey had fallen all of the way back to the bottom story. Mikey stood up, dusted himself off, and proceeded to do the exact same thing two more times.
Curious as to why Mikey couldn't seem to run all the way up the stair, Mitsuki started to climb them as well. At the very end of the stairs was a glass door with a spider web crack where Mikey's head had impacted numerous times. The words "Colorful Parakeet, Private Eye" were printed on it. After she finished reading this, Mikey rammed into the door again.
"Hold up, Mikey." Mitsuki said, grabbing the collar of his shirt before he could cause himself anymore brain damage, "I think we're supposed to open the door, not run into it."
"A brilliant idea! Maybe you should be a detective as well." Mikey said as he turned the doorknob the wrong direction, and then succeeded on his next attempt. "But you'll have to dress up as some kind of animal or no one will think you're a professional."
Unlike the previous room, Colorful Parakeet's office was filled to the brim with stacks of paper, newspaper articles taped to the wall, and Asteroid Boy memorabilia. A large cherry wood desk sat in the middle of the room. Behind it stood a rotating chair, and no one was currently occupying it.
"Wow. I wonder why he bought a two-story building if he was only going to use the top half." Mitsuki said, absent mindedly playing with an Asteroid Boy bobble head. Then the spring broke and the head went rocketing up through the ceiling, hitting a flying squirrel.
"Mitsuki, haven't you seen any American detective movies?" Mikey asked. Obviously Mitsuki hadn't, seeing as she lived in Japan, but she didn't say anything. "The grisly detective always has his office on the second floor. Probably because it's easier to shoot moose from a high window."
Sure enough, next to the window there was a rifle and a box full of moose-strength bullets. The next thing Mitsuki and Mikey noticed after this was the sign on top of Colorful's desk that read, "Out for reven - I mean lunch. 25 minute wait."
"Twenty five minutes? That's seems reasonable." Mitsuki said, taking a seat in one of the four chairs facing the desk. The chair promptly collapsed, and Mitsuki landed on her rear. Thinking the chair must have been too small, she went to sit in a larger one. But it was too large, so she broke right through the middle. The third chair she tried was just right. But then a bear came in and stole it.
"Ooh, tough break. Here, you can have the last chair." Mikey said, in a rare moment of consideration.
"Aww, thank you Mikey." Mitsuki said, sitting down. The chair stayed in tact, and she looked around suspiciously for anymore grizzlies.
"Don't mention it, I'll just stand. After all, it'll only be twenty five minutes." Mikey said. Suddenly, ominous music began to play, suggesting that their wait would be much, much longer.
"Hey, at least will have this radio to listen to kill time." Mitsuki said, scanning the stations on a radio that she had found.
--
"I choose you, Penisaur!" shouted the fledgling Snarkymen trainer, slapping a trading card down violently onto the park pavement.
"I counter with a Spermander!" shouted his opponent, laying down his character with equal ferocity, and crushing a snail in the process.
The Tatami brothers fought with such intensity that the very air around them dared to stir, less it incur the wrath of these mighty card warriors. But then the wind realized the boys were really just a couple of losers and decided to blow again.
"Gaaah!" shouted Guano as he continued to fly through the air, his lungs burning from screaming non-stop and accidentally swallowing a low-flying duck. The now-bold wind decided to blow the poor creature right into the middle of the card game, scattering the cheap cards and demolishing Guano's body as a side effect.
"What the Crappy just happened?!" Mario Tatami shouted, falling backwards.
"I… I think it's a Snarkyman." Luigi Tatami said, poking Guano's crippled body with a stick. When that didn't get a reaction, he switched to a tazer. That produced a more desirable reaction, meaning Guano jumped into the air as electric current ran through his body.
"Whoa whoa, don't taze him, bro!" Mario said, swiping the (stolen) police weapon from his brother's hands. "That's not how you catch a Snarkyman!"
"Wha, what's going on?" Guano said, having been literally jolted into consciousness. His left arm twitched sporadically.
"You have to catch them in a Snarkyorb!" the boy in red said, reaching into his 100 pocket backpack and pulling out a pink and white Snarkyorb that he had gotten out of a vending machine.
"No, not again!" the Snark- I mean, Guano said, crouched in terror. In a flash of flab, the twins were on top of him and forcing the distressed director into the confines of a tiny container for the second time in four chapters.
Five minutes later, Guano's skeleton had been broken in enough places that he fit inside the orb. The Snarkyorb rocked to the left and right, the boys watching intently. Finally, Guano's strength left him and the ball came to a rest.
"Alright! I've caught…!" Mario spun in a circle and struck a pose, while his brother waited for him to finish his sentence, "My first Snarkyman!"
Everyone in the park stopped what they were doing to clap their hands. A randomly passing by band played a cheery tune. Then they all went back to doing things that actually mattered.
"Okay, so now what do we do with it?" Luigi said, already growing bored.
"I don't know. Let's let him out, I guess." Mario said.
"THANK YOU GOD!" Guano shouted from inside the tiny compartment space. Then the lid was taken off and he collapsed onto the pavement, gasping for air. After he caught his breath, the "Snarkyman" made a run for it. Unfortunately for him, the tail on his costume provided an ideal grabbing point for the twins.
"Nuh uh, we caught you fair and square." Luigi said, giving a peace sign for no real reason.
"You're our Snarkyman now, and we're your trainers!" finished his brother, throwing up hand signal of his own.
"You have to be kidding me. Didn't you also used to think I was a stuffed animal?" Guano said, making a reference to another past episode.
"No." Mario replied honestly.
"It just happened last week for Christ's sake!" Guano yelled. Then he was immediately censored by Nickelodeon and the word "Christ" was replaced with "Crisco", which made absolutely no sense.
"Look, our memory has been severely impeded by countless hours of pointless videogame playing. You can't expect us to remember something as far back as then." Luigi said. Then he grew bored of the conversation and took out a PSP.
"It was only seven days ago!" Guano shouted, holding up a calendar that he had pulled from mid-air. Then the air got upset and took the date book back, rolled it up, and hit Guano over the head with it.
"Huh? Did someone just say something?" Mario said, looking up from his Nintendo DS. Then he saw Guano. "OMG, it's a Snarkyman!"
"Catch him!" Luigi said, dropping his PSP and breaking it. Then he pulled out another Snarkyball and pounced on Guano, his brother joining him right after.
"What the hel-" Guano began to say, and then he was cut of by censors and the scene switched to…
--
Mikey and Mitsuki were still sitting in Colorful Parakeet's office. They had been there far longer than the 25 minute wait time, and they were showing signs of degeneration. Mitsuki was lounged over the arms of her chair and slipping in and out of awareness from shear boredom, occasionally mumbling about watermelon toilets and the price of jean shorts. Mikey was still standing up, refusing to sit on the floor, and moved his arms in rhythmic motions that mimicked the mating rituals of the Australian iguana.
"How do ya take a friggin' leak in a watermelon, it's just not possible." Mitsuki muttered incoherently. Then she shook her head to clear the cobwebs in her head; spiders had crawled into her ear when she wasn't looking. "Y'know, you don't have to keep standing up, Mikey."
"No, it's okay. I just pretend the floor is made of lava. Lava that looks suspiciously like a fluffy mattress. And there are bed sheets made of dried molten rock! Is that a pillow formed out of sulfuric gas?!" Mikey said, and then he immediately collapsed where he stood.
"I don't think this detective is going to show up. Let's just get out of here while we still have our sanity." The comatose girl said, having barely the strength to move her head. "Darn 29.00 price tag."
"Alright lets get out of here." Mikey said, still flopped on the floor. The two continued remain motionless for a full minute.
"Maybe we should get up now?" Mitsuki asked. Mikey unperceivable nodded his head. Then Mitsuki oozed out of her chair and they both slithered out the door.
--
"Okay, so what do now that we've caught him?" Luigi asked once again.
"I guess we should let him out." Mario said.
"I CAN'T BREATH!" Guano shouted from inside the tiny compartment space. The lid was popped off and the poor creature was released back into the park. This time he didn't even bother to escape. "Okay, okay! What do I have to do?"
"Oh, you won't have to do anything. We'll be doing all the work." Luigi said, taking out the Snarkymen manual and quickly re-reading the basics.
"Yeah, we'll be forcing you to do battle against increasingly powerful and life threatening creatures until you undergo natural selection and painfully transform into a new snarkyman!" Mario said, a malicious look in his eye. "We'll have such a hard job."
Guano trembled in fear.
--
End of the second half of Part 4
Alright, that didn't take too long, did it? Oh wait, it did. Very long, in fact. I can't promise that the fifth and final chapter will get done any sooner either. Sorry, but I'm a very lazy person. I continue writing this story for all those who have enjoyed it and given me such positive reviews. Never before have I had such an incentive to finish a story. This goes out to you, my brothers and sisters!
Final note: the two parts of chapter four have been put together as one large chapter.
