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The hardest thing in life is to love someone. Well this is my philosophy and a damned good one at that.

I love... loved someone, so much and now that he's gone I struggle to keep myself going anymore. I have reasons to continue living... one very big one in particular but even with them. It's hard. Too hard sometimes and I, just every so often, wonder why I keep doing it. Doubt myself and wonder if there really is any point. I know that eventually she will have to carry on without me, after all I can't live forever but I also know that its too soon. That she's not ready yet to be left on her own, in a world as hard and tough as this one. She's too young, too innocent to deal with something as major as my death.

I fear for that day. Sometimes, for her small precious world being engulfed by the cold darkness of reality. It happened to me when my mother died in that God-awful car accident and I hate myself for thinking about putting her into the exact same position. Life is cruel; sure, but have you had to ever look into the gorgeous brown eyes of a child and seen pure unadulterated trust being shone back at you. I don't know if I'm selfish enough to take that from her.

She has no knowledge, no idea of who her father is. This is something I feel guilt for everyday. I wish I had the strength to sit her down and tell her all the magnificent things he's done for her, for the world. But I can't because remembering what I've lost isn't something I want to be reminded of. Daniel tells me that it might help with the grieving process - you know getting everything out into the open... but some of me wants to keep them to myself - to keep the little bits of him left and savour them. Maybe I could get Daniel or Teal'c to tell her what kind of man her dad was. What he did to prove his point. Our point, everything we've fought for.

I hate him sometimes. For leaving me here on my own... for forcing me to be one of the lost souls who get left behind and have to cope with a world without them in it. He doesn't know that it's cold, dark and dead without him here. Stealing my jello... playing with the things in my lab... giving me strength everyday to do what we were put here to do. I miss him so God damn much and its killing every piece of me. I wait for the darkness of night where my dreams are filled with whispers and kisses... memories of the short time we finally got together.

Love... sometimes I wonder if it's worth the pain, especially after they're gone.