Disclaimer: I do not own Inuyasha. Inuyasha belongs to Rumiko Takahashi.
A/N: Surprise! This is the last chapter. I thought there would at least be one more chapter left, but nope, this is the final one. Since this is the last chapter, I'll be replying to reviews on the top.
- Replies -
Guest: No, no, you don't have to apologise for leaving long reviews haha. In fact, I appreciate reading them, so, thank you. And to reply to your review, a lot of people don't understand why Inuyasha keeps going back to Kikyou, and they keep forgetting that Kikyou was the first to treat him nicely after his mother's death. I guess it's the anime/manga's fault for not pressing much on Inuyasha's backstory. And yes, I agree whole-heartedly with you that it's sad when Kagome chooses to stay with Inuyasha, even if she's aware that sometimes it hurts her whenever he leaves for Kikyou. Even if I don't hate Kikyou, but while watching the episodes, I sometimes pray that she doesn't appear because I can't handle the drama lol.
Concerning about Inuyasha's depression, I think you might've misunderstood a little. Inuyasha's friends doesn't treat him like people in the past, but... I guess that's for you to find out. :-) Again, thank you for leaving another long review, and hope you enjoy this chapter.
Guest (SynestraJo): Thank you for constantly leaving your reviews on this story. I'm glad you enjoyed it, and hope this chapter lives up to your expectations.
Chapter 4:
Unspoken Feelings
Kagome's body froze as her eyes widened into large saucers. Seeing her body suddenly going stiff, human Inuyasha had to snap his fingers multiple times in order for her to snap out of it. After what seemed to be his fifth try, only then Kagome was thrown out of her daze.
"Depression? What... What do you mean he's suffering from depression?" Kagome asked, her face horrified. "Oh god, is it... is it because of me?!"
"Not really," human Inuyasha replied, which Kagome find it hard to believe. He decided to add, "Like I said, it's been happening for a while now. In fact, it started the moment... the moment our mother died," he whispered, and a slight frown appeared on his lips. "I mean, he had always been lonely, and had always been hated by people around him, but at one point... he decided to," he paused, "he decided to keep these emotions."
Kagome didn't like the sound of that. "Keep? What do you mean keep?"
"He hides them—and pretty well too," human Inuyasha said, and pinched the bridge of his nose. "He pretends nothing's wrong, and keeps pushing down his depression. That's why he uses this brash facade," he sighed, "The idiot doesn't know, but it only makes it worst."
"But how? I didn't... I've never..." This was honestly shocking news. For more than a year they've both been together, never once had she detected Inuyasha having signs of depression. "But isn't some cured? I mean, for the year he spent time with us, his depression must've at least gotten a little better?"
"It does," he said, and his eyes stared at the nothingness ahead of him. "But having to face loneliness for more than a century, it only cured like a tiny fraction of it. And sometimes... when he's upset that he made you upset, his depression only increases."
Human Inuyasha made an abrupt stop before Kagome could respond. She looked up and found a gate that leads her to a misty path. In the distance, she could see a forest covered with a thick layer of fog. She took a few seconds to scan the area. What was this place?
"This is where he is," human Inuyasha said as he took a deep breath, and exhaled. He turned his head to meet her gaze. "Kagome, what you're about to do now is something really risky. This is basically the inside of our dominant's head. Words that you use can instantly affect him. And as you can see over there," he pointed to the forest, "that forest is where one can lose their own sanity, and our dominant is inside there. If he does into the deepest part of the forest, we might not he able to get him back. But now, he's at least halfway in, so there's still a chance for you to bring him out."
"Hold up," Kagome said, and felt the anxiety grew in her chest at the thought of having to go alone. "You're not coming?"
"I can, but it'll be hard for me to get out if this doesn't work. You see, you're not part of our body, so it's easy for you to find your way back, but for me, it would be hard to find the exit. Besides, it's not like he listens to what I say anymore. That's why we need someone else... someone he might listen to."
"I understand," Kagome said, giving him a nod.
"And remember, this is the inside of the Inuyasha you know. The half-demon that faced all kinds of challenges, words, and hatred towards him," human Inuyasha explained. "He mostly can't lie his emotions in here, so if there are some things he says that seems out of character, it's just him being honest."
"Okay," Kagome said and felt determined to bring back the hanyou she knew. She gave one last glance at the human version of the hanyou, "Inuyasha?"
"Yeah?"
"Thank you... for trusting me," Kagome said and offered him a small smile. "I know this is hard, because there's a possibility that I could say something that ends up hurting him, but I promise, I'll bring him back," her smile faltered, "and... I'm sorry I made it difficult for you and demon Inuyasha. It's probably my fault too that he's like this."
Before she could hear what human Inuyasha has to say, she entered through the gate.
What was she suppose to say?
Since the path to the forest takes a few minutes, she had some time to think about the words she was going to use. From what human Inuyasha had told her, she would be dealing with a very vulnerable Inuyasha; since he couldn't hide his emotions here. She would have to be extra careful with her choice of words, because she had no idea what depression for more than a century looks like. Thinking about his depression, she just wanted to slap herself for not noticing it. Of course Inuyasha was able to hide what he was truly feeling. If he was good in hiding his physical pain, then there was no doubt that he could hide his emotional pain too. If only she had just considered this for once, then maybe she would've been able to act differently.
She was disappointed in herself. She thought she understood Inuyasha. She thought she understood that he had a hard life. She thought she understood what it was like to get shunned by everybody you know. But maybe... she didn't understand a thing about him at all, even if a part of her hoped that she at least understood a little about him.
But now that she thought about it, the only reason why she understood his past was because she saw it. It was the same with Kikyou; she now understood that he only cared about her. But was she able to understand it by herself; without seeing his memories? She shuddered when a big fat no appeared in the back of her mind. She couldn't understand him at all when she doesn't see it for herself. Either she has no talent in reading people, or Inuyasha was too good in hiding everything. If Inuyasha was good at hiding it, then she'll just have to try and read him better.
She stopped when her eye caught a familiar red. She squinted, and confirmed her curiousity when it was definitely Inuyasha; the hanyou version. He was sitting by a river, and the first thing she noticed was that his ears were pinned on top of his head. His shoulders were slumped, and by the way he was sitting, she could tell that he had his legs crossed. He was staring at something ahead of him, but she couldn't find anything interesting that would catch his attention. So she assumed that he was deep in thought.
Slowly, and careful not to startle him, Kagome approached, giving a soft, "Inuyasha."
He flinched, and immediately snapped his head to the side. His eyes widened when he saw her, and she could see his ears threatening to sink deeper at the top of his head. "Kagome?"
"Yeah... it's me," she said and gave him a smile. "Can I sit here?"
He nodded mutely.
She tucked her skirt underneath her as she knelt on the ground, her hands placed on top of her lap. For a while, none of them said anything, until Inuyasha broke the silence.
"What are you doing here?"
Assuming that human and demon Inuyasha didn't tell him, she explained, "We got teleported inside your head."
"Oh," he said, as if it was the most natural thing in the world.
Kagome took a moment to examine him. His ears were still flattened, which means he was still bothered by something. If there was one thing she had learned, it's that if she couldn't read his thoughts, then she should eye for his ears.
"Are you okay?" she whispered.
He didn't answer. Probably because he'll say no, she thought. Human Inuyasha said that he mostly couldn't lie, so to be safe, Inuyasha decides to go silent. Smart.
"I'm sorry," she said, and his brows furrowed in confusion when he looked at her. She shook her head, and faced him, "It's my fault that you're like this."
"What are you talkin' about?"
"If I had known that you were suffering from depression, I would've done something about it," she said, smiling weakly. "Your human self said that sometimes when I'm upset with you, it makes your condition worse. I'm sorry."
"It's not your fault," Inuyasha said with his voice slightly raised, and it startled Kagome. "It's mine," he said, and his ears drooped. "I've been so stupid. I should've known that those visits to Kikyou hurt you, yet, only now I..." his eyes went downcast. "It's my fault. I should've told you that I—"
"No, Inuyasha," Kagome said, already feeling guilty that he was feeling guilty too. "I was the one that didn't understand you," when Inuyasha opened his mouth to protest, she raised her index finger to his mouth to silence him, "Let me apologise for once. It's my fault, end of discussion."
He averted his eyes. "You're being unfair to yourself."
"I'm not the one living in a world where they treat you unfairly," Kagome said sadly, and traced her finger over the forest grass. "You don't have to answer this, but what's it like?"
"What?"
"What does it feel like?" Kagome said, and elaborated, "What does it feel like to... to be a hanyou?"
Inuyasha didn't answer at first, but then his voice was strained when he answered, "You feel lonely," he said, slowly, "Sometimes... you feel pain... from others," he lowered his head, until his bangs covered his eyes. It shattered her heart the moment she heard him whisper, "But most of the time, it hurts just to be alive."
She scooted closer to him, and wrapped one arm around his back, pulling him into a hug. She allowed his head to rest on her shoulder, wanting him to release everything he had been hiding. It must've hurt keeping everything inside. If she hadn't found out sooner, it was probably too late by the time they realise it.
"They say mean things about you," he continued, his voice weak, yet he was trying to keep it even. "Even now, they still..." when he sniffed, she could tell that he was crying, but she didn't announce it. "They say you're weak. They say you're a disgrace. And at one point, you question whether it's better if you just die."
Kagome couldn't understand what it must've felt like. So she said, "That's why you still love Kikyou, and that's why you wanted the Shikon no Tama."
His head shifted a bit on her shoulder, but he doesn't pull away. "I don't love Kikyou like... like the way I used to..." he muttered. He lifted his head so that he could meet her eyes. "I... I actually like..."
"I know," she said softly, knowing too well that he doesn't have the courage to say the three words to her at the moment. But she was happy to know what he felt towards her. "I love you too."
"I'm sorry," he said, letting out a tired sigh. "I must look pathetic right now."
"You don't have to apologise for it," Kagome said, and moved her hand to rub the base of his ear. "Just let it go, Inuyasha. You've been keeping this for too long. If it makes you better, I won't tell anyone what you've said."
"Thanks, Kagome," he murmured.
For a while, the two of them stayed like that. None of them said a thing while staring as the river flowed in front of them. The wind blew their hair, sending a gentle breeze running through their skin. The silence was a comfortable one, and Kagome wished that they could stay like this forever. This place had no one to hurt him. This place had no one to speak badly of him. She wished that the world was something like this. But she knew, that if Inuyasha stayed here, it would only make him lose his sanity.
Reluctantly, she poked his arm, and it caught his attention. "Let's get out of here, okay?"
He sighed, and nodded.
The two of them got up, and leisurely made their way back. At first, Kagome thought that the silence would continue like before, but it seemed Inuyasha decided otherwise.
"I'm sorry."
She tilted her head to the side. "What are you apologising for? I thought we've discussed about this?"
"For... you know... saying rude things about you, saying that you were a shard detector, always hurting your feelings, always being so loud and annoying..."
"Inuyasha, it's been a long time since you called me a shard detector. Besides, I only think you called me that is because you didn't want to admit that you missed me," she teased, and his cheeks turned slightly red. She giggled at his face, "Also, I like that part about you. You know... rude and loud..." she stated, and threw him a side glance, "I'm sorry too."
"Keh, I thought you already apologised?"
"For the 'sits'," she interrupted, and his eyes immediately fell onto the beads around his neck. "It must've hurt every time I say it."
"It actually doesn't," he said, and started fidgeted with the said beads. "To be honest, I... I sometimes like it when you 'sit' me."
"What?!" Kagome exclaimed. "Why would you like something that slams your face to the ground?!"
"Because it means you're still here with me," Inuyasha said, and gave her a genuine smile; a smile that she thought she would never be able to see. "And it helps me learn what I do wrong."
"Inuyasha..."
She wrapped her arms around him, pulling him into a tight embrace. Once she released him, she laughed at his tomato-red face. Forcing herself not to tease him because she knew that he couldn't hide his emotions in here, she grabbed his hand and pulled him out of the forest. Relief flooded inside of her when they stepped out of the gate.
All of a sudden, her limbs started fading, and her eyes widened in surprise. She examined her hands and realise that it had a faint glow around it, and at the same time, it was disappearing.
"What's going on?" she asked.
Inuyasha checked his own hands, but they weren't fading like hers. "Maybe you're gettin' out of my head?"
"Oh, if that's the case," she looked at him and gave one, huge grin. "See you, well, outside of your head."
The last thing she saw was him grinning.
Kagome felt herself slowly regaining consciousness. She lazily lifted her eyelids, and found herself staring at the area before they were teleported inside Inuyasha's head. She stretched her arms, and realised that the others, too, had woken up. All except one.
"Kagome! You're awake. Where have you been?" Shippou said and spun his body to look at Inuyasha. "Inuyasha isn't awake yet."
Kagome motioned closer to Inuyasha, his body still leaning on the bark of the tree. "Inuyasha?"
One of his ears flicked, before his eyelids fluttered open. He blinked a few times at first, not responding to any of the calls from his friends, but then he finally realised that he was awake. "What the hell happened?"
"Don't you remember? You know... about our discussion?" Kagome asked, hoping that he didn't lose the memory of them talking.
"Wait, that was real?!"
"Yes, Inuyasha," Kagome said with a chuckle.
"Hm? What did you two talk about?" Miroku interrupted, peering from Kagome's shoulder.
Inuyasha's cheeks were flushed when he remembered about himself crying and acting all weak. He blamed himself for not being able to hide his emotions, and now, everyone was going to laugh at him if they find out.
Much to Inuyasha's relief, Kagome decided to answer with, "We discussed about a lot of things. We had a lot pretty much sorted out."
"That's good to hear," Sango commented. She turned her head to look at the hanyou. "Inuyasha, forgive me for not fully understanding you. I know I scolded you a few times for visiting Kikyou, but after seeing your memories, I now understand your intentions."
Inuyasha's eyes widened. "Wha—"
"I, too, owe you an apology, my friend," Miroku said. "I doubted you, and thought you just didn't understand about Kagome-sama's feelings, but it seems there were more to it."
"Now, wait just a—"
"I'm sorry too, Inuyasha," Shippou said, his head bowed. "I called you a jerk for visiting Kikyou, and—"
"Will all of you shut up for once?!" Inuyasha shouted, grabbing everyone's attention. "Sango, what do you mean you saw my memories?"
"Well, we were inside your head, so we were able to access your memories. We saw your childhood, your past with Kikyou, and—"
Inuyasha groaned, while rubbing his face vigorously, It made the whole group suddenly concerned about him. Before they could ask what was wrong, Inuyasha beat them to it, "How were you able to get inside my head?"
"An old woman teleported us in your mind," Kagome replied, and tapped her cheek. "She doesn't look evil. We don't know her, but she just seems to teleport us all inside your mind... as if she wanted us to understand you."
Inuyasha clenched both fists. "I'm gonna kill her," his eyes roamed around the area. "You hear me, old hag?! I'm gonna kill you for bringing them inside my head!"
In a safe distance from an enraged hanyou, an old woman stood, her long staff serving her as a cane. She chuckled as the hanyou's death threats echoed, until she herself could hear it from where she was standing. The hanyou was definitely irritated, but she had done what she must, and it was for his own good too. Though, she was wise enough not to go near to him and tell him that.
"Thank you, Nouri-sama."
The old woman, known as Nouri, inclined her head to the side, and smiled when she saw the woman who had requested her to do what she had did. "Your very welcome, Kikyou," she said, and her eyes landed back on the mismatched group. "But do you mind if I ask you a question?"
Even with an indifferent mask on her face, it wasn't enough to hide the surprise expression she was showing. "What is it?"
"It is obvious that you love the hanyou," Nouri said, and noticed that Kikyou tensed. "Yet, you allow another to be with him. In fact, you requested me to make them both understand each other, so that they are happy being together. Do you not envy them, Kikyou?"
Nouri's question wasn't to raise jealousy, but because of sheer curiousity. "I do envy them, sometimes, Nouri-sama," she admitted, and her eyes looked at the group. "But I am no fool. I am long dead, and the only reason I'm still here is because I feed myself with others' souls. But Inuyasha is still alive, and I want him to be happy with someone alive too," she paused, before adding, "Besides, Kagome has my soul. If she is with Inuyasha, then it means a part of me is with him too."
Nouri gave her a heartwarming smile. She pitied this young woman beside her. Not only was she forced to come back into this world, but she also had to endure seeing her love one with someone else. But hearing her answer, it pleased her that she doesn't hold some kind of grudge.
"I see," Nouri stated. "Well, if there is nothing more, then I will be taking my leave. May you find happiness in the afterlife, Kikyou."
"Thank you again," Kikyou said, and gave her a bow.
The old woman patted the dead miko's shoulder, before disappearing. Kikyou stared at Inuyasha and his friends, a rare smile taking over her lips as she watched him looking genuinely happy surrounded by his friends.
"I'm glad that Kagome ends up with you, Inuyasha," she whispered to herself, before leaving. "May you too find happiness in this world."
- End -
A/N: Well, that's all. I'm surprised that this story has less than five chapters, but there's nothing else that needed to be said, so I don't see any reason to drag it further. I'm glad with how it ended; and did it cross to any of your minds on why the old woman sent the group inside Inuyasha's head? Well, there's your answer. Hope all of you enjoyed this story, and thank you to those who finished reading this story and left a review. Until next time.
