Hey people! Sorry for making you wait for ages, school was stressy and we had exchange week... But now that the holidays have started I will update faster. I promise.
Anyways, this was initially supposed to be a songfic to All That I'm Living For by Evanescence, but halfway through writing it I became obsessed with this new song (it will be in the next chapter). I abandoned this and wrote most of the next chapter before realizing there are some key facts for the new chapter in this chapter. I know it's kinda incomplete, but I thought I'd just post it now instead of waiting ages for lack of inspiration.
Disclaimer time! Dan?
Alice: He's out picking fights...
Me: Well then, let's bug a random person! ... Hmm... I know! SPECTRA!
Spectra: No point in protesting against you. MysteriouslyMystery owns none of the characters.
Me: O.0 he listened... O_O Anyways hope you enjoy!
Lost And Found (At least sort of)
-THREE YEARS LATER-
I'm not a liar, I don't break promises, but this time is an exception. Three years ago, right after Masquerade died, I swore I would not kill myself just to be with him again. He would have wanted me to live on, I was sure of it and I told myself that it was the truth every day. But since his death, my life had been nothing but a nightmare.
The first few weeks were pure horror - the pain was so bad, I could have cut my wrists every day and it would not have compared – but I pulled on nonetheless. Whenever my friends would visit or call, I would fake a smile and pretend like it was all okay. They believed me. Then, when they left or hung up, I would go to my room and cry until my eyes were dry.
After that came the numb period. It was like watching somebody else's life through somebody else's eyes: I saw all that happened, I heard what was said, but I could not feel a thing. Most of the time I forced myself to think only of getting through the day, fearing that if I let my mind drift off, thoughts of Masquerade would enter it. Without being consciously aware of it, I made my friends worried through my somewhat distant behavior. For about one and a half years I lived like this.
XXXX
Once, when I was watching TV, a show about these people living on a ship came on. The main character's best friend fell asleep leaning on the railing and woke up in time to find herself falling into the water. She sunk a few meters downwards, then began to push towards the surface, but her leg caught on something and she was pulled back down. It was obvious that no matter how hard she tried, she was not getting anywhere. Just as she was on the verge of drowning, another character rescued her and they reached the safety of the boat together, where the main character was waiting. Exactly the same thing happened to me, except then in a different sense.
In my life, the main character is Masquerade and I'm his best friend. I fell asleep (the numb period) and only woke up when it was too late and I was falling. Unable to catch myself in time, I sunk a bit before managing to begin to pull myself upwards, but soon I found that it wasn't all that easy. Until that point, I had piled my emotions up, meaning to deal with them later, but now they were all coming at me at the same time. Grief and deep depressions were what pulled me under. No matter what I did, my depressions seemed endless and I could not get out on my own.
That was when he saved me. If I have to be honest, I would not have thought that someone like Dan Kuso could ever pull me out of my state of mind at that point, but he managed what nobody else could. He showed me how to live again. Perhaps he is the only reason I did not kill myself, the only reason I survived the fall. Dan has been my best friend for nearly 8 months now.
But unlike the show, my story does not end in a happy reunion. In fact, I have yet to decide the end of my story, the potential endings being life or death. Should I choose to live, I have to start all over again, reconstruct everything I had before, fix things with all my friends, and worst of all, learn to cope with not having Masquerade yet again. However, there is one good point: I would still have Dan. On the other hand, if I choose to die, I can be with Masquerade for all eternity and never have to worry about losing him ever again.
Xxxx
I stand on the bridge, staring at the still water beneath me, lost in thoughts. As usual, nobody else is around; I am the only person who knows about this place. My eyes scan the scenery, looking for anything that may have changed since I last came here. Nothing. Everything had remained the same through all of these years, including the fact that I have no company with me, except for one thing: this time could be the last time I set eyes on the river. It is impossible to overlook the fact that right now I am seriously considering suicide.
Around me, the air is getting colder and the sky is slowly darkening. Night is coming, and with it, my decision must be made. About a year ago, there would not have been the option of staying alive; I had nothing to live for and Masquerade to die for. Now, because of Dan, I feel guilty about abandoning the world, especially after all he's done for me. It would be like betrayal. But the fact that I cannot live without my love is becoming more obvious as the days go by, and I'm starting to think that perhaps I would be better off dead after all. I know he would understand me if we met in the "underworld", as Dan calls it. Masquerade would understand everything that has happened to me.
Out of nowhere, my phone rings, and sure enough, Dan is calling me. After hesitating a moment, I answer.
"Hey Alice! Where are you? I've been looking for you everywhere."
"Hi Dan. I'm… In town. Why were you looking for me?"
"We were gonna hang out today, remember?" Oh shit, forgot.
"O-of course. I just… went for a walk."
"Riiight," he replied, laughing, "So where exactly are you?"
"Ummm… I'm…" He asks me a simple question, but as usual, I cannot tell him the answer. Most people wouldn't care whether their best friend knew where they were, but I don't know if I should tell Dan something not even Masquerade knew about. That's why my own reply stuns me.
"You know that ice-cream shop on Herlingstreet? There's an alley right next to it. Go to the very, very end of it, then turn left. There's this little bridge nobody knows about. You'll find me there."
"Okay, see you in ten minutes." He's about to hang up, but I stop him in time.
"Oh, and Dan?"
"Yeah?"
"Do you believe that the dead can be reincarnated?"
"Ummm… Sure?"
"Seriously."
"I dunno Alice. Why?"
"Just something that came into my mind."
"Okay then. I'm almost there, see you in a sec."
"Bye." The other end of the phone goes silent. Slowly I go over our conversation in my mind, wondering why I told Dan where I am but not coming up with a better reason than the fact that I may have gone insane. A shiver runs down my spine and I think of Masquerade. I know that if he were here, he would have said something comforting to me, something nobody else would be able to think of. The words which would make me feel better. Whatever those might be.
A few minutes later, the sound of an object falling in the water ends my train of thought. Replacing it is the sudden realization that Dan will be here any time now and that there is no way I can kill myself with him nearby. Making up my mind, I reach into my pocket for the knife I'm sure is in there, but find nothing. A frown makes its way onto my face. Now what do I do? If only I knew how to end this hell. If only my life was written on paper. Then I could just tear it up.
My eyes widen in shock as I realize that had I found the knife, I would have been dead before Dan would have gotten here, meaning that he would have arrived to find his best friend dead. Guilt makes its way into my stomach.
"Alice!"
"Dan?" I turn around and see him a few meters away from me, catching his breath.
"Ran the whole way?"
"Yep. As usual." He replied, panting. I walk towards him and we hug.
"Did something good happen?"
"How did you know?"
"You're smiling even more than usual."
"Well, on the way here, I spotted this poster. It said that Linkin Park is coming to the stadium here, so I called the number it said and managed to get a pair of tickets!"
"You've got to be kidding me. Are you sure?"
"Yes! They've already been sent to my email address."
"Wow. That's so awesome! Who are you taking with you?"
"Guess."
"Runo? Shun?"
"Nope. You, Alice!" A huge grin spreads across his face while a look of pleasant surprise decorates mine. Linkin Park was Masquerade's favorite band, and we used to listen to their music often. Surprisingly, their music was the only thing somehow connected to Masquerade that I still enjoyed.
"Seriously?"
"Of course! You're my best friend, why should I go with someone else? You do like their music, right?"
"Definitely."
"Great! So anyways, what have you been up to?"
"Nothing much, except staring the water…" My voice trails off at that and I walk back to where I had been standing before. The sound of Dan's laugh makes me turn my head.
"What's so funny?"
"My hobbies are running, Bakugan, and biking. Yours are reading and staring at water. We're so different, and yet we're best friends." He replies happily. I smile at him and think of how I nearly left him all alone.
Dan steps over to stand beside me, puts his arm around me, and joins me in watching the water. Neither of us says it, but we both know I am alone in the world, with nobody but Dan to talk to. Our friends now know that I loved Masquerade, and every single one of them judges me for it. Runo hates me with a passion, Shun refuses to talk to me, Julie tells rumors about me behind my back, Chan just glares at me and calls me a traitor, Billy keeps calling me, saying he `called the wrong number´ but always hurling some kind of insult before hanging up, Marucho pretends I don't exist, and on it goes. Everybody I ever knew has their own way of hating me, Dan being the exception.
