Chapter 4

Knots

I can't untie these stupid laces. My hands are shaking and my head is anywhere, but on my shoulders. I haven't seen Bella in the hospital, but I've seen her in my dreams. Why does everything have to be so complicated? Stupid knotted sneakers! How the hell did they get so knotted!

I'm a mess. I'm more paranoid than my patients. I'm certainly developing insomnia. I have zero appetite. I'm obsessed with… Isabella Marie Swan. Fantastic. I mean to say, essentially that one rather pretty… alright I'll admit it, one absolutely beautiful, kind, sensitive… killer has made it impossible for me to trust anyone I work with, eat, sleep, think… do anything productive really. I'm a mess. So I've been calling the best psychiatrist I know, my father.

"This is Dr. Carlisle Cullen. I can't get to the phone right now, but if you leave your name and number I'll make sure to get back to you. Leave a message at the beep… BEEP."

"Hey, Carlisle. It's Edward… again. I know you're at a conference and can't really talk, but I need some advice… and some help… and maybe for you to come home. I don't know, really. I just have this feeling about the hospital. I think that… uh, there might be something going on that you don't know about. I don't know. Call me back if you get a chance… thanks."

"This is Dr. Carlisle Cullen. I can't get to the phone right now, but if you leave your name and number I'll make sure to get back to you. Leave a message at the beep… BEEP."

"Carlisle? Listen, I know I've called a bunch, but I would really appreciate a little help here. There's this… well… Dr. Gray has a patient… but that's not important. Leah Clearwater… Well the Grecos seemed… And she was crazy. I don't know. You had to be there. I need you. Call me back."

"This is Dr. Carlisle Cullen. I can't get to the phone right now, but if you leave your name and number I'll make sure to get back to you. Leave a message at the beep… BEEP."

"It's me. I just… there's… there's so much going on. It's crazy. Guess that's why it's a mental institution… I need you to come back. You need to see… the place. It's a freaking… well madhouse. I don't know. Call me soon. Please,"

"This is Dr. Carlisle Cullen. I can't get to the phone right now, but if you leave your name and number I'll make sure to get back to you. Leave a message at the beep… BEEP."

"I think I'm going insane. Honestly. Call. Please."

I was thinking of leaving one more message when my phone went off. Carlisle!

"Edward?"

"Carlisle! Thank God!"

"What's wrong son? Your messages were… Are you alright?"

"I'm fine, honestly, but I think you should come home. There's something wrong at the Retreat."

"What is it? Are the patients…?"

"It's not the patients that worry me, Carlisle."

"I don't understand… If not the patients then what?"

"The doctors, Carlisle. They behave very strangely. There's something off there, Carlisle. I'm worried about the safety of the patients and them getting the help they need."

"Edward, really! The Riccis have handled this hospital longer than I've been alive! They know what they're doing, even if I handle all the money. They are good doctors. They would never allow any funny business."

"Maybe something's slipping through the cracks, because I've never seen them do a personal evaluation of the staff or the patients. In fact, I've never seen them in the hospital! How can you tell me they are handling it if they aren't there? Carlisle, I am there, everyday. I know something's not right!"

"Maybe that's the problem, Edward. Maybe you need a day off. You're last message did say you were 'going insane. Honestly.'"

"I'm not insane, Carlisle. I was embellishing a bit. You know I wasn't being serious. Now back to the matter at hand, will you at least consider coming back and doing an evaluation?"

"No, Edward. Whatever is going on can wait until I get home."

"No, it can't! Carlisle, you're going to be back in a month at the earliest! Don't you value your patients' lives and sanity a bit more than to abandon them, at risk, for more than a month?"

"That's not fair and you know it. I've devoted my whole life to them. They are in no danger, Edward. I trust the Riccis. Now, get some rest over the long weekend and take something if you have trouble sleeping."

"I'm working this weekend actually."

"When's your next day off?"

"At least five more days away."

"No wonder you're losing your mind! Stop working so much, son! You're going to go prematurely gray! Get some sleep and take care. Bye."

"Bye," I responded gloomily after he had already hung up. Maybe he's right. I'm just not sure anymore. All I could think of was poor Bella surrendering completely to me. I could feel that she truly hated herself and thought she didn't deserve my friendship. I was regretting trying to move Alice. I genuinely thought, her relationship with Bella was good for her. Bella was a strongly grounded person, who she was close to. But I did want her to be more social like I knew she could be if the people around her were less frightening. There was also Bella though. She wasn't my patient, but I could see that removing Alice would kill her. Not the way she was killing me, but in a much more real and painful way. Bella needed Alice every bit as much as Alice needed Bella. They couldn't be separated. Wasn't there anyway to move them both up?

"How are you, Alice?"

"Pretty good, Edward. There is something… that you could do for me though," Alice said, but she didn't seem embarrassed. She stared, but flinchingly into my eyes.

"What's that?" I asked, scribbling in my notes.

"I need you to help Bella," she answered, every bit as confident.

My head snapped up. "Bella isn't my patient," I responded immediately.

"No, I know that, but you like her. Don't deny it, because I know you do."

"Alice, Bella really isn't my concern. You are, so can we please talk about you?"

"I know she isn't your patient, but she needs you," she said. She had my attention. "Dr. Gray doesn't treat her well."

"Dr. Gray is a fine doctor," I hope.

"I don't care about his credentials! He hurts my friend and won't admit that she is perfectly sane, so she can go home!" Alice practically screamed. It had been a long time since she'd had an out burst like this.

"He hurts her? How?" I demanded. I felt like I was about to start shouting, too.

"I don't know. She won't talk to me. But there's something wrong there… maybe if you asked her… maybe she would tell you. You have to try," she commanded seriously.

"I'll speak to Bella about it," I allowed. I couldn't make any promises, but I would get to the bottom of Alice's claim. We talk for a while longer, and then I dismissed her to lunch.

I walk down the hall and saw Dr. Gray outside room 116, Alice and Bella's room. I panicked and raced down the hall. I grabbed his shoulder just as he was about to unlock the door.

"What the hell are you doing, Cullen?" he demanded. In his hand was a syringe. It was clearly Bella's sleep medication, the one I'd promised to give to her. He was still staring at me.

"Victoria's looking for you," I spat out. It was the only thing I could think of.

"She can wait until I finish with my patient," he said, eyeing me suspiciously.

"She really needs you, I think, right now!" I pressed. "Why don't I take care of your patient?" I offered.

"She can be a little… difficult. I think I better handle this one," he argued.

"I can always call Demitri and Felix, if she gets out of control," I lied. I knew Bella would never attack me or even fight me.

"Fine," he muttered handing over the syringe and stalking off in search of his wife. I opened the door and found Bella in bed again. She smiled brilliantly as relief washed over her features.

"Bella," I sighed in relief. I couldn't seem to get enough time with her. She looked almost as please as I was to be together. I had been anxious since I spoke with Alice about her safety. She seemed alright.

"Edward, you kept your promise!" she seemed wildly pleased. I nodded and smiled too.

"Are you ready to get some sleep?" I asked. She nodded and just like the last time began to roll up her sleeve.

"Bella, can I ask you a question, before you take your meds?" I asked, thinking of another promise I made.

"Of course, ask me anything you like. Is it about Alice?" she answered, perfectly at ease and oblivious to my nerves.

"No, it's not about Alice. It's about you and… Dr. Gray," I replied. She suddenly looked pale.

"Oh… and what is it you want to know?" she asked. She wouldn't meet my eyes as she spoke. She looked a little lost as the dying light from her small window lit only half of her face. She looked small and her shoulders slumped and her back hunched in on her face. I sat beside her.

"Does he ever treat you in ways… he shouldn't?" I wondered aloud.

She said nothing.

"Tell me, Bella," I commanded. I felt horridly angry. Who could take advantage of a beautiful, kind, young girl? It made me feel sick.

"I can't help you if you won't tell me. Please," I begged, but she still wouldn't look at me.

"If you won't tell me, then…I… I can't keep giving you your medication. Dr. Gray will have to," I threatened. I felt terrible when I saw her turn even paler and her eyes grow wide and fearful. She swallowed, perturbed.

"Then I guess… I'll be seeing less of you," she said, her voice was shaking.

"How can you allow this? Why won't you just let me help you?" I demanded. I didn't want to leave her. I didn't want her hurt. I wanted her safe. I wanted her with me.

"It's easy, because I know I deserve it," she stated simply. She gathered the little purple book that was crumpled and tangled in her sheets and smoothed its pages before setting it on the shelf in the little room. "Bad people have bad lives."

"I was wrong about you," I said as she continued to ignore me. "I thought you were perfectly sane. But now I see you are absolutely crazy. You are insane," I continued. I saw her take a breath. She seemed to be upset, even while she expected the bow. "You are probably the craziest person I've ever met… if you think that you are a bad person… that you don't deserve… the happiest life the world can offer," I whispered. She looked at me finally. There were tears in her eyes.

"Do you promise to believe me? No matter what I say?" she asked, sniffling just a little.

"I swear, whatever you have to say," I agreed.

"I don't have insomnia. He gives me that drug, because… he does things… when I'm asleep," her voice shook and her whole face twisted with the strain. I reached out and hugged her. But inside I felt like I was full of fire. I had never hated anyone so much. She gripped my shirt and whispered "Edward, I… I wake up and I can… tell what he's done… to me." She stared straight into my eyes and waited for some kind of response. She seemed nervous. Did she honestly think I wouldn't believe her?

"What can I do?" I asked and ran a hand through my hair.

"You believe me?" she asked and gave a breathy laughed, giddy with relief.

"Of course I do! But I need to put a stop to this! I need to help you!" I said, jumping up and pacing frantically.

"You don't have to do anything. Just keep believing me, please," she answered with a smile still on her lips. God, she looked beautiful just sitting there waiting for me.

"How can you say that? This is no way to live, Bella! I have to fix this!"

She stood and pulled me to her, effectively ending my pacing across the short room. "Edward, I've lived like this for a long time, and honestly it's just so much better having you know! If you can find some way to fix this, then great, but if not," she shrugged. "I'll live." But I won't!

"I need you to be safe, Bella. You… You're important… to me," I muttered. She looked so surprised, but not happy or unhappy.

She kissed my cheek suddenly, just darting in and out. Then she blushed deeply and climbed into her bed. "Maybe you should give me my medication now, Edward."

I shook off my stupor and sat at the foot of her bed. "Why? You don't need it," was all I could think to say in response.

"It doesn't bother me either, and what else are you going to do with it?" she asked and offered me her arm. It all seemed very anticlimactic.

"I suppose," I replied and took her arm into my hands. She winced only a little when I stuck the needle in, then relaxed into her bed. "I'm going to fix this," I said as her eyes began to droop. "I swear." Only after her eyes had closed did I lean down and press my lips to her forehead. I thought I saw her lips twitch into a smile, but I'll never know for sure.

I grabbed my cell phone again and dialed the familiar number.

"Hello?"

"Carlisle, this is serious. If you don't do something I am leaving. I will not be a part of this anymore."

"Edward? What's happened?"