Chapter 4
The few weeks until the beginning of winter passed uneventfully, Nick grew closer to all of us, and it was rare to see him without me or Audrey. Audrey did eventually ask him out, and his extremely polite refusal was "I'm not that comfortable with dating anyone right now, but I would love to do something once we know each other better." Audrey had taken that as a yes, and was now planning to become good friends with him in hopes that he wouldn't refuse when she asked him again.
I noticed a bit of hostility between Seth and Nick. I could only hope that I had imagined it, or that it was only temporary. If Seth was going to get jealous, now was not the time to do it. We had midterms coming up, and I couldn't stand the stress of approaching exams along with tension between my friends. Adrian hadn't mentioned his newfound desire for friendship with me again, which just made me even more positive that it had been one of his jokes.
One day stood out from the rest, about a week before Christmas holidays, I plopped into Seth's car after school, and found him with tear-streaks on his cheeks. I felt a sense of doom, and had an urge to run from it.
Seth wiped his face with his sleeve, and sucked in a huge breath of air. Something was causing him pain, and I wanted to help him.
"Can we talk?" he sounded serious, and I knew that he wouldn't take no for an answer.
"Yeah, sure. What's wrong?" I stroked his arm, and he gently pulled it away. My stomach dropped, was this going to be it? Would the one thing I feared most happen now? But surely if this was about us he wouldn't be so sad, it was his call. If it hurt him, he wouldn't do it.
Seth put the car into reverse, and pulled out of the student lot. He began driving, I didn't recognize the scenery, but I knew that he wouldn't let himself get lost. He stopped the car beside the forest surrounding our community, and shifted his body so that he was facing me. Again I reached out to comfort him, but he pulled away.
"Steph, before I say anything, I want you to know that I love you, I will always love you, no matter how much I hurt you, I will never care about anything else as much as I care about you." No, no, no, NO! "You love Nick." It wasn't a question, I noticed that, and it just made it hurt more, because he believed that I was capable of doing that to him.
"No! Seth, I don't...I-I, how can you think that?" my mind was a mess, I had expected him to tell me that he was seeing someone else, not vice versa.
"You do Steph, and he loves you. I'll never be able to look at you with the compassion that he does, I'll never be able to love you as much. I see how you look at him too, you may not be aware of it, but you've never looked at me like that." I began sobbing, "Listen to me Steph, I'm not saying that you don't love me, I think you do, but you just love him more." Why was he doing this? How could he see something that wasn't there?
"Seth," I was a mess, and I knew it. If Seth had wanted to leave me before, there was no doubt that he would want to leave me all the more now. "Please don't!"
"I don't want to-"
"Then don't!"
"But I have to. I'm sorry Steph, but I can't continue knowing that I'll always be second." He would have to force me out if he wanted me to leave.
"You never were second Seth! You are, and always have been first! Don't you understand that?"
"I understand that you don't realize that your feelings for me aren't as strong as you think they are. I'm Edgar to your Cathy." He knew that I was obsessed with Wuthering Heights, he obviously thought that by explaining it in terms I was familiar with, it would soften the blow. Well he was wrong. I wouldn't leave him, I needed him to function properly.
"And what? Are you saying that Nick is Heathcliff? In case you don't remember, Heathcliff ends up with Isabella, and Cathy stays with Edgar."
"But that doesn't mean she's happy. The most important thing to me is your happiness, if you're happy with Nick, I'll stand aside, but I'll always be there for you. I'll always love you." He paused. "I'll take you home now, I understand if you don't want to be with me." How could he be so idiotic? The only thing I wanted right now was to be with him.
"Don't hold your breath," I muttered, "you still have to get me out of the car."
He laughed, but it wasn't cheerful. "I don't think that will be a problem, you're forgetting that Dayna will probably give you a hundred dollars for getting rid of me."
"Yeah right, like I won't tell her that it was all your decision."
He looked at me scornfully, "You wouldn't."
"I would. I mean, if you and I aren't anything anymore, why should I protect you from her wrath?"
Seth sighed, "You've misunderstood me. I want to be with you, forever- or at least as long as I can- but as a friend, nothing more."
"What if I don't want you around?"
"Then I won't force my presence upon you, but I hope you'll change your mind."
"That's likely," once I made up my mind, it was next to impossible to change.
"Just promise me one thing before I make you get out of the car. Be happy, if you're happy, I'm happy."
"Whatever." Like I could ever be happy without him.
Seth came around to the passenger side of the car and opened my door.
"Where are you taking me?" I had heard stories of what jealous boyfriends had done before.
"I hope you're not going to make me take you anywhere, but maybe I will have to carry you into your own house." Oh. We were outside the house.
"Good luck trying to pry me from this seat." I wound my hands around the seat.
"Come on Steph, don't be difficult." Seth grabbed me by my waist, and tried to pull me into a fireman's carry. I evaded his arms and pressed my lips to his. At first he tightened his arms around me, pressing me to his body with a undeniable need, but then he seemed to remember that we were no longer a 'we' and pushed me away. "No," he scolded. I pushed my lower lip out into a pout. "Steph, go into the house, please, before you make me do something we'll both regret." He steered me toward the door, and backed away and grabbed my keys from my coat pocket. Seth unlocked my door, and darted inside to make sure that Dayna wasn't there.
Inside, he placed me down on the couch, and turned the TV on.
"There," he said, even though I had entered shock, and was unresponsive, "now you'll at least look absorbed in whatever you decide to watch." He left the room, but a few seconds later, rushed back in a pecked my cheek.
My hand flung up to the spot that he had kissed, it burned, as though he had been possessed by some kind of demon.
I lost track of time, stuck in my own world, I didn't notice Dayna and Ben's entry, or their seemingly infallible attempts to bring me into their world.
When I did escape the safe place my mind had come, I burst into tears. Seth was gone, I was gone. A new thought dawned on me; Nick was the cause of this, it was because of him that Seth had left me, if I could prove that I didn't like Nick as anything more than a friend, Seth would take me back- hopefully. Furthermore, if I could make him jealous, maybe he would give in to his love for me. If Adrian was serious when he said that he liked me as more than a friend, I could easily convince him to go out with me. That was it, I would use Adrian apparent devotion to me in my favour. But that wasn't like me, I didn't use other people to get what I wanted, that was something that Bridget would do, but I would do anything for Seth, he was my sun, my air, my life.
For the rest of the night, and into the early hours of the morning, I sat in bed, crying over my loss, and planning my attempt to get it back.
At five o'clock, I gave up the possibility of sleep, and spent a few hours making myself look as good as I could. I would make Seth regret what he had done. I curled my hair, and ironed it into perfect ringlets. I threw my favourite pink tank top underneath a v-neck sweater, and pulled my legs into a pair of flattering jeans.
All in all, I spent two hours on that portion of my appearance, I spent another thirty minutes- call me superficial if you will- on makeup making sure that any unwanted blemishes were invisible.
At seven, Dayna poked her head into my room.
"Hey, I didn't think you'd be awake. I mean, after what happened last night, I thought you would need all the sleep you could get."
"Yeah, I probably do, but I couldn't get to sleep." I murmured, it was embarrassing to talk about.
"You want to tell me what it was about?" Ugh. Great, now I would have to tell her all about it, I may as well pretend to go back to sleep, at least it would spare me the he's-not-good-enough-for-you talk.
"Just stuff Mom, nothing too important. I'd bore you with all the details." I hoped that my lie wasn't too obvious.
I guess it was, "What did Seth do? Did he break up with you?"
"Does it matter Mom? It's over and done with. Telling you won't change anything."
"I bet it will make you feel better."
"Fine. If you're so insistent, but you have to promise not to interrupt me, and not to get mad at anyone you is involved.
She sighed, "Agreed."
I told her the story of what had happened between me and Seth the past night. I edited parts of the story that were a little too revealing into my emotions, and added faults of my own to balance out what she would perceive as Seth's fault.
Dayna tried to say something while I was explaining Seth's exact words in the car, but I held a hand up to remind her of her promise. She settled back into her relaxed pose.
When I was done, she said nothing, but grabbed me and pulled me into a hug.
"Oh sweetie, I'm sorry. Just remember that I'm always here for you, I'll always listen when you have something to say."
"Thanks Mom." It was all I could think of. It wasn't easy to find the right words to say after spilling your guts out.
"But I want to meet this Nick boy before you start dating him." I pushed her away. Leave it to Dayna to ruin what might have been a very nice mother- daughter moment.
"I am not going to date Nick!" I shouted.
"Well you said that Seth-"
"I know what I said! Just because Seth has deluded himself into thinking that I like Nick," I didn't say the word 'love' around my mother, it usually brought up uncomfortable conversations, "does not mean that I do!"
"Okay, okay. Tell me when you're ready and I'll drive you to school."
"Actually, I think I'll walk today. I need some fresh air."
"It's freezing outside Steph!"
"I've walked in colder climates than this Mother."
She knew that she had lost, and left the room. I finished dressing, grabbed my bags and walked out the door.
A green Corolla waited in the driveway. Seth waved from the driver's seat. I ignored the car, and began striding in the direction of the school. The car kept pace with me. The window was rolled down, and Seth said,
"Get in the car Steph, stop being difficult." I continued walking.
He pulled into the next driveway, and blocked the sidewalk. "Get in." It wasn't a request, it was an order.
"No." I walked around the vehicle and kept going.
"You're not walking to school, even if I have to force you into this car."
"Is that a threat?" I raised my eyebrows. Seth must really want me to drive with him today, he would never threaten to do something that would make me uncomfortable. Well, he had had his chance, now it was my turn.
"You bet it is. And you can also bet that I'll carry it out if you make me."
"I'm not making you do anything. I choose to ignore you, and I'm not changing my mind."
"So be it, I'll just drive beside you every step of the way."
"Someone will call the cops." I said confidently.
"Now why would they do that?"
"They'll think you're stalking me."
"And what if they think that I'm trying to talk you out of whatever you're planning on doing. Maybe they think that you're planning suicide, then I'll become the hero that saved you."
"They won't think that if I yell for help."
He sighed, "Ah Steph, we both know that you wouldn't do that."
"Of course not, I love you." It sounded like such a simple answer.
"I love you too."
"Then why?" We both knew what I meant.
He moaned, "I thought that I explained this last night Steph, you love-"
"I do not love Nick!"
"Denial, the first step to recovery. At least you can admit that you feel something for Nick."
"Since when is denial the first step to recovery, and I haven't said anything about how I feel about Nick. Though, if you must know, I feel nothing more than friendship." I knew what he was doing, he was trying to coax a confession out of me. Did he think that he would feel better if his accusations were true? Would he feel better knowing that he didn't leave me for nothing?
"Steph, if you keep walking we're going to be late." I noticed his subtle change of conversation, at least he didn't want to discuss something that aggravated me.
"Who said anything about we? I don't care if I'm late, but it's your decision to stay here with me."
"I don't want to leave you."
"You didn't seem to have a problem with it last night, in fact, I believe it was you who decided to leave me forever."
"That's not fair, I will not be second to you Steph, and since I am, I decided not to be anything to you."
"You still don't understand do you? As I told you last night, you never were second to me, and you're still my everything, even though you don't want to be."
"If that's what you want to believe..." he let his voice trail off.
"You're damn right I believe it, because it's true!"
"Steph, calm down. Don't be unreasonable, I still think that you love me, I just don't think that you love me as much as you think." He reached his arm out to grab me, but I dodged him.
"I'm not listening to this again." I stormed off, intending to take a path through the woods to get to school. It would take an extra thirty hours, but I wouldn't have to put up with Seth driving beside me, it was a small sacrifice to make for peace of mind.
I hadn't counted on Seth jumping out of his car and running after me. I broke into a sprint, he did too.
"Will you leave me alone please!?" I was frustrated, the one and only person I loved was chasing me. Why did that sound so unreal? Because if I loved him so much, I wouldn't make him chase me. Was Seth right? Did I love Nick? No, impossible. I was not in love with him, I barely knew him, and I was certain that he didn't feel like that about me. Seth was wrong, he just hadn't realized it yet.
"If you really, really want me to leave you alone, it'll be like you never met me. But is that what you want?" Dang it. How did he always manage to make me regret what I said.
I stopped and looked down, "No."
"Good, because I don't want to go. But if it makes you happy, I will. I've always tried to avoid causing you pain Steph, but sometimes causing pain will help you become happy in the long run. That's the only reason there's no more 'us', I want you Steph, more than I've ever wanted anybody, but I know I can't have you. Like the story of Adam and Eve, you're the forbidden fruit, but I won't give in and take you, neither of us will be happy if I do. You're shaking your head. We may not regret it during the first few days or weeks, but you can't be happy with me, not any more. You haven't been truly happy since this summer, you haven't been happy since Nick came."
I spun around and stalked away again. This was exactly what I didn't want to hear, and I wouldn't listen to it.
Seth easily caught up to me. "Stop and listen to me. I'm sorry that I've hurt you, and believe me, if I could find any way to make you happy, I would, even if it meant removing myself from your life, but as you can see, I'm not strong enough to do that. So, I'm doing the next best thing, I'm removing myself from your love life."
"Well, you can stay out of it, for all I care. I think I'll ask Adrian out."
"No you will not!"
"Excuse me Dad, but I don't think that you have any control over my life. I can date whomever I choose."
"The only reason this is happening is so you can be happy, I broke up with you so that you could date Nick."
"I don't want to date Nick, because I'm not interested in Nick. Is that a crime? I am interested in Adrian though, and I think that we may be a great couple, don't you?" I hoped that in his anger, Seth wouldn't notice my voice as it faltered.
"If she's going to date Adrian, there's no reason for us to be apart, but she loves Nick. Yes, she loves Nick. She'll get tired of me, it's not worth it." Seth mumbled as he thought out loud.
"Seth!" I said loudly, breaking the spell that hung over him.
"Don't try to trick me Steph, you don't love Adrian, I don't even know if you like him. We're over, and nothing's going to change that." Why did he have to be so mean?
"Then you can go back to your car, you're not of any use to me out here. It'd be better if we didn't try to be friends," was I really saying this? "You'll just tear my heart even more than you already have."
He looked around, searching for the right words, "I'm not sure if I can do that Steph, I don't think you can either. You are like...my sun, my air, I need you to live.
"You're my life Seth, but you've already made your decision, don't change it now, I don't think I could handle that.
"You're right, you almost always are. By trying to stay close to you, I'm just hurting you more. Goodbye Steph, don't count on seeing me too much anymore, I promise not to hurt you again." He turned around, and walked back down the path. Tears swelled in my eyes. This was it, Seth was gone for good, gone forever. Because of Nick. Because of me. This was my fault, and I had been blaming Nick. God, I was a monster.
I began down the path again, but stopped and turned around. I couldn't go to school today, not after what had happened. I went back to the house.
Great. I've now got the whole day to do something, what am I going to do? Adrian was nineteen, he didn't have any classes in the morning. I decided to go down to the farm, it wasn't a terribly long walk or bike ride, I could be there in an hour.
I wheeled my bike out of the garage, it was rusty, I hadn't ridden it in almost a year. Now the only thing I had to do was bike twenty kilometres, no sweat. I'll just be unable to move my legs in the morning, big deal.
I pushed off with my foot, and began pedaling, hard. I needed to be there, with Moniet and Adrian, where I didn't have to worry about the drama of high school.
After biking five kilometres, it began to pour. I cursed myself. Why hadn't I remembered an umbrella? Now I would be soaked by the time I got there. I pulled the hood of my sweater over my head, it wouldn't last for long, but it was all I had.
Another ten kilometres...another five. I reminded myself, by now the rain had drenched my hood, and made its way to my scalp, I had a metal image of what I must look like, a teenager ditching school, biking in the rain, soaked to the bone in water. At least my hair was wet instead of messy, wet hair would dry, but messy hair couldn't be fixed until I got home.
I knocked on the door of Adrian's 'apartment' after placing my bike down on the soggy grass. He opened it.
"Hey, playing hooky? Shouldn't you be in school?" Adrian's eyes were puffy, he had been woken by my knock.
"Shouldn't you be doing your job?"
"Touché." He grinned at a remembered joke, "What are you doing here?"
"Well, right now I'm annoying you, but I thought that you might want to for a ride." I peeked into the foyer, it was covered in clothes, books, and papers that looked like essays.
"It's raining." He was still drowsy from sleeping.
"Thank you Captain Obvious, you know, I just biked here, and I was trying to find out what that wet stuff falling from the sky was." I gestured to my clothes.
"Wow, did you decide to jump into a puddle on your way or something?" He picked up a piece of my hair, and made a show of wringing it dry.
"Yes I did, just for you. Are we going riding or not?"
"Dry off first, you'll give poor Moniet a heart attack if you show up looking like a drenched cat. Come in, I'll find something for you to change into." Adrian opened the door wider to admit me. I stepped in, careful to avoid the larger parts of the mess.
"I think one of my old girlfriends was your size, let me see if I can find any of her old clothes." He disappeared through a door. Adrian kept his ex-girlfriend's clothing? Why? "Here," he said, reappearing again, holding a blue t-shirt, white sweater, and a pair of jeans, "you can change in there." He pointed to a room that I assumed was the bathroom.
I changed quickly, he was right, the clothes fit me perfectly, and hung my wet garments over the edge of the bathtub, I would leave them to dry.
"Okay, done." I said as I gently closed the door, being careful not to shut any of the items littered around it in the bathroom.
"You look good," he said, appraising my figure.
"Um, thanks." I wasn't used to anybody besides Seth complimenting me, I would have to get used to it though, if my plan was going to work.
"So," he began casually as we walked to the barn, "how are things with you and Seth?" That struck a nerve, I bit my tongue to keep my anger welled up inside.
"I'd rather not talk about that." My teeth were clenched.
"That bad huh? It's the same for me and Ashley," Ashley was his latest girlfriend, "we broke it off a few days ago, I guess it wasn't meant to be." He shrugged. If only I could be that carefree, but I knew that that wish would go unanswered.
"I'm sorry," no I wasn't, a small part of me wanted Adrian, it always had. I would just have to feed the fire in order to achieve what I wanted.
"Don't be, but I am sorry about you and Seth, you were really happy together. Life can be crappy can't it?"
"Yup. Who are you going to ride?" I changed the topic, I was here to escape Seth, I didn't want to end up discussing him with Adrian.
"I think I'll take Angel out, I haven't ridden her in a while."
"Okay, see you out there then." We had reached the barn.
I quickly groomed and saddled Moniet, I was anxious to be with Adrian again, for reasons I didn't understand.
"You ready?" Adrian asked as he poked his head around the corner.
"Yeah, let's go." I threw my borrowed sweater on, grabbed Moniet's reins and headed for the door.
Adrian blocked my path. "You sure you want to go now? It's raining pretty hard out there."
"Aw. Are you scared?" I said in a singsong voice.
"No. Let's go."
We mounted inside, to avoid the complications of mounting a skittish horse in the rain, and rode out into the chilly morning. Adrian was right, the rain was coming down quick and hard.
I broke into a extended trot, now was my time to show off in front of him. He must have realized that I wanted to seem better than him, so he broke into a canter at the same time. "Catch me if you can!" he leaned low over Angel's neck, and gently pushed against her flank. She began to gallop.
"Come on girl," I whispered to Moniet as I bent into a jockey's position. We were like a bullet shooting out of the barrel. In a few seconds, we had caught up to Adrian and Angel, I shot him a smile, and he returned it.
"So, Jessie's protégée knows how to race. Glad to see that she's been teaching you something instead of wallowing in jealousy." He commented as we halted our horses, and resumed a comfortable walk.
"Me too. I don't know what I would have done if you had won that, I've always been so competitive."He wiped his dripping hair off of his face.
"Steph," he began.
"Hmm?"
"Well, I was wondering if you wanted to grab a cup of coffee after this. You know, and dry off. But if it's too soon after- what happened, I understand." It was subtle, but I heard a spark of hope in his tone.
"Yeah, sure." His face brightened considerably at my reply.
"Great!" I couldn't believe that it would be this easy, I had counted on having to persuade Adrian into pretending to be my boyfriend, but I hadn't counted on him asking me out before I had a chance to do that.
We finished our ride, smiling at each other at regular intervals, and unsaddled our horses. I had just started brushing Moniet's mane, when I turned around, hoping to get a glimpse of him while he wasn't looking. He was staring at me. I blinked- twice. The look in his eyes, it was so...adoring. Like he was ready to jump in front of a bullet for me. I was familiar with it, I'd seen it many times lighting up Seth's eyes.
He shook his head, "Sorry, I zoned out for a minute." I nodded to say that I believed him, but when my back was turned, I saw him gaze at me again out of the corner of my eye.
When we were done, he linked his arm through mine, cautiously, he wanted to see how I would respond. I helped guide his arm, and squeezed it once it was comfortably nestled on mine.
I looked at him to smile, but he was looking at me again, the same look in his eyes. I turned away, blushing.
We got into his truck, a black GMC, and he turned the heater on full blast. The car ride was quiet, neither of us knew what to say, so we communicated through looks and gestures.
"Well," he began as he pulled into the parking lot of a small cafe, "here we are."
The coffee was good, the company was great. I felt the fire in my heart growing larger every moment I spent with Adrian, he was blowing on the flame, and he didn't even know it.
All too soon, Adrian stood up, his first class was starting soon, and it would take a while to get to the university in the rain. He approached me slowly, and pecked me on the cheek, when I didn't do anything, he pressed his lips to mine, briefly. "Um, bye." He rushed out of the cafe. It had been agreed that I would take a taxi home, I didn't want to run the risk of having one of my friends see me in Adrian's car, and accuse me of cheating on Seth.
I finished my cappuccino, and pulled out my cell phone. It had been a birthday present from my dad before he went paranoid and convinced him that I was conspiring with Dayna against him. The good ole days, as I liked to think of them. Before the divorce, and the short period of kindness after it. I dialled the number that Charlotte had drilled into my memory. Her parents owned a taxi company, and they had promised me free rides whenever I needed them.
The taxi came, I told the driver my address, and the familiar landmarks flew past all around me.
