Author's Note: I am having way too much fun with this…this is probably my favorite chapter yet. Once again, thanks GG and demonegg! R&R please!


Would the Real Mozenrath Please Stand Up

Mozenrath and Jasmine: (gawking) Xerxes?!

(Men 1-4 forget about the two of them and start advancing menacingly on Xerxes. He stands unfazed, his long brown hair tied back in a ponytail, has a closely shaven line of hair around his face. He's wearing a pair of black training pants.)

Xerxes: In the flesh. (folds his arms over his bare muscular chest. Looks over his shoulder.) Get 'em, boys.

(Mozenrath and Jasmine's mouths drop open as a horde of Mozenrath look-alikes of different shapes and sizes, dressed in blue and black robes and turbans and leather gloves on their right hands, swarm across the moonlit sands past Xerxes to attack the four now-starting-to-piss-their-pants thugs. They stare in dumbfounded shock and amazement as each thug gets the shit beaten out of them by at least four Mozenraths.)

Mozenrath: (looks at Xerxes, his jaw still hanging open) Wh…what the hell?!

Jasmine: (laughs weakly, still too shocked to move) Let me guess…extended family? You're Greek, right?

Xerxes: Mozenrath, buddy, I can't believe you forgot. The Black Sand Clan, man. I told you I wouldn't let it die out! We just passed the 100 mark last week in members! Initiated members, that is. The waiting list is three times as long!

Mozenrath: Black…Sand…Clan…you were serious?!

Xerxes: (laughs as if receiving a compliment) Oh, you don't have to thank me. I was your first fan, remember? It's my duty to organize and galvanize your fan base.

Mozenrath: They're…they're clones!

Jasmine: Like a bad Star Wars movie… (watches Man 4 crawling away on his stomach begging for mercy; a Mozenrath wannabe stomps on his spine and he screams)

Xerxes: Oh contraire, my dear Jasmine. Or should I say, Revered Chosen Maiden, fated First Wife of our Supreme Lord. (smirks at Mozenrath, who slaps his forehead with a groan.)

Jasmine: Maiden?

Xerxes: Eh, technicalities.

Mozenrath: How long have you been at this?

Xerxes: Oh, about a year. I wanted to surprise you with a Black Sand themed birthday bash, but I guess it's just as well I ran into you in the nick of time just now.

Jasmine: (watches as Men 1-4 are all lying unconscious or nearly unconscious by now. A Mozenrath wannabe gives Man 2 a last parting kick.) What are all of you doing out here on the beach in the middle of the night anyway?

Xerxes: Oh, once they all found out Cantare was bringing all you guys here for a cast vacation, we slapped together our first SorcyCon. Great place to start, huh? Oh, and one of the rules in our codebook is to stick to authenticity as much as possible. So we train at night when the sand looks black.

Mozenrath: (migraine is setting in) …Train?

Xerxes: Oh, you'd be proud at how fast most of them learn, Moze. The imminent teleportation cape sweep? You see 100 of you doing that at the same time in ordered formation, and you know what made the Roman Army great.

Jasmine: (laughs hesitantly) Um…how many made it to the first…SorcyCon, was it?

Xerxes: Sadly, only 25. But hey, a 25 attendance rate ain't bad for hardly a week's notice. And in the Bahamas, no less.

Mozenrath: (realizes that with Men 1-4 down and out of commission, the obsessive attention of 25 rabid cosplayers will soon be on him. Grabs Jasmine's hand and starts walking away briskly.) This was supposed to be a relaxing vacation. This was supposed to be—

(Both of them freeze as a severely obese Mozenrath cosplayer lumbers up to them, puffing and panting. He bows low before Mozenrath and then hurries meekly to Xerxes, who promptly reprimands him for being late to defend their Lord in his time of greatest need.)

Jasmine: …I did not need to see that.

Mozenrath: At least he's not cosplaying as Aladdin.

Jasmine: (winces at the image) …I did not need to hear that.

Random Mozenrath 1: (calling after them) My Lord and Lady! Where are you going?

Random Mozenrath 2: (a skinny Asian) Mozenrath-sama! Please, critique our form!

Random Mozenrath 3: (executes an imminent teleportation cape sweep and rushes over to them as silently as possible) We have vanquished the foes of the Black Sand!

Mozenrath: God, this is not happening.

Jasmine: (turns to look at the expectant crowd following them, led by Xerxes) Well, it can't be that bad…they're your loyal fans. I'm sure they just want you to acknowledge their efforts, that's all.

Mozenrath: No, they want to raise a temple and sacrifice livestock to me. We have to get out of here. (keeps walking determinedly, not looking back)

Cop with a gun: Hold it right there.

(Mozenrath and Jasmine stop abruptly. Cop motions five other officers over. They all stare at the group of Mozenrath wannabes for a moment, then mutter some curses and proceed to round them all up. One of them goes over to check on the four semi-conscious thugs lying on the sand.)

Cop 2: They're breathing. Call for a few stretchers.

Cop 1: (addresses Mozenrath) What is this, a freak show?

Mozenrath: As a matter of fact, yes. Now given that she and I are the only normal looking people here, you can let us go…

Cop 1: Nice try, buddy. We got four guys knocked out cold with concussions and shattered ribs. Foul play is foul play, we gotta check all of you out before anyone is off the hook.

Jasmine: Officer, this is all a misunderstanding—

Random Mozenrath 20: The Lord of the Black Sand does not surrender without a fight!

24 other Mozenraths: Black Sand! Black Sand! Black Sand! (fall into some kind of battle formation)

(Mozenrath and Jasmine duck and cover their heads at the sound of six guns cocked and ready to fire.)

Mozenrath: (hissing) Xerxes!

Xerxes: (ducks down beside Mozenrath, looks apologetic) Sorry, man. Didn't know it would get so out of hand.

Mozenrath: (grabs him by the shoulders) Make them stop before someone gets killed!

Xerxes: Only you can! You're their Lord!

Jasmine: Hurry, do something!

(Mozenrath stands up just as 25 cosplayers begin chanting a spell.)

Mozenrath: (in best TV villain voice) You fools! I command you to stand down!

(25 Mozenraths stop chanting immediately and lower their gauntlets, bowing their heads in submission. He stares dumbfounded for a second before six guns swivel and point directly at him. He gulps and puts his hands up slowly.)

Cop 1: So you are the ringleader of this circus after all.

Mozenrath: Shit…


(Scene: extremely crowded jail cell in local police station. 25 Mozenraths, Xerxes, Jasmine, and the real Mozenrath are all sitting on the floor in quite cramped positions. Mozenrath is sitting slumped with his face in his hands. Jasmine is rubbing his back and trying to comfort him.)

Jasmine: Cantare will come bail us out any time now, I know it.

Mozenrath: …You don't know Cantare very well at all, do you?

Xerxes: (still apologetic) I'm sorry, man. It's all my—

Mozenrath: Damn right it's all your fault. What the hell were you thinking?

Xerxes: (scratches head and laughs a little) I guess I got used to playing the stupid eel sidekick for too long.

Mozenrath: Can you at least get them to shut up?

Random Mozenrath 12: In which episode does Lord Mozenrath make a cameo appearance?

Random Mozenraths 3 and 15: When Chaos Comes Calling.

Random Mozenrath 12: In the episode Black Sand, why does Lord Mozenrath save Aladdin for last? Quot—

Random Mozenrath 22: To gloat over him.

Random Mozenrath 12: (glares at him) WRONG. You didn't listen to the complete question. You have to give the exact quote!

(RM 22 cringes under the critical glares of all the others.)

RM 14: (in a self-righteous tone) The correct answer is, "You're so much fun to gloat to."

RM 12: Now, back to the basics. In this time of great trial, we must be completely sure of our loyalties and solidarity within the ranks. Who is Lord Mozenrath's sworn enemy?

All RMs: Aladdin.

RM 12: Whom does Lord Mozenrath loathe the most in the world?

All RMs: Aladdin.

RM 12: Who is the biggest hindrance to Lord Mozenrath's plans for world conquest?

All RMs: Aladdin.

RM 12: Whom does Lord Mozenrath want to destroy—

Jasmine: Will you all just shut up!

(All Mozenraths turn and stare at her, flabbergasted that she would interrupt such an important ritual. Mozenrath looks up from his hands in slight concern at the real anger in her voice.)

Jasmine: Can you get a fucking grip on reality here? "Lord Mozenrath" is just a character in a fictional show! He and Aladdin are friends!

(Collective gasp from Mozenraths. They look at each other in shock as if she just renounced God's existence amidst a settlement of Puritans.)

RM 12: The Princess…

RM 23: The Princess has lost faith.

RM 7: She is still blinded by the enemy's lies.

RM 25: The enemy's false promises of love.

Jasmine: (groans and gives up, buries her face in her hands in the same position Mozenrath was in a minute earlier. He rubs her back awkwardly.) I'm in hell…

Mozenrath: (winces despite his agreement; wonders briefly how she would handle 25 rabid Aladdin cosplayers with overblown hero complexes) Maybe someone will come bail us out…

Jasmine: Who? (voice starts to crack) Who's going to come for us? Aladdin is probably drunk off his ass and throwing up in an outhouse somewhere.

Mozenrath: (wisely chooses not to respond to that) Hey, just pretend this is another chapter of Antiphony. The Mirror of Fiereve malfunctioned and showed you more alternate versions of me instead of letting you out.

Jasmine: That's not comforting.

Mozenrath: (sighs) Sorry…I tried.

RM 8: Behold the excellent chivalry of our Lord!

RM 19: Yes, despite his abject evil, he is not blind to the inclinations of his heart!

RM 12: Let us support our Lord in his valiant efforts to court the Princess and grace her with the dark crown! Who is the only woman worthy of Lord Mozenrath's affections?

All RMs: Princess Jasmine!

RM 12: Who is the only woman who impressed Lord Mozenrath in battle?

All RMs: Princess Jasmine!

Jasmine: More like kicked his ass in battle.

Mozenrath: …

RM 12: Who is the rightful Queen of the Land of the Black Sand?

All RMs: Princess Jasmine!

Mozenrath: (looks at her seriously) Listen, Jasmine, when we get out of here, I—

(He pauses at the sudden and complete hush that has fallen over the entire cell. He, Xerxes, and Jasmine all look toward the bars.)

Raniye: Officer, I trust you haven't manhandled any of them.

Cop 1: (now subdued, looking troubled) No, ma'am, not at all. My men and I are the most professional in this district; we get a lot of these kind of—

Raniye: (ignores him and looks straight at the three Antiphony cast members) Are you all right—

All RMs: (breaking out of their trancelike silence) GODDESS!

(25 Mozenraths rush toward her on their hands and knees, pressing their faces against the bars and reaching their hands out to touch the hem of her long skirt as if she is Mother Teresa in the slums of Calcutta. She steps back in alarm.)

Raniye: Mozenrath, who are all these people? And why are they all dressed like you?

Mozenrath: You don't wanna know…

Jasmine: (breathes a sigh of relief) Raniye. Thank God you're here.

(Xerxes turns his gaze away from Raniye and doesn't say anything; looks kind of sad. Jasmine and Mozenrath notice but decide not to ask about it now.)

Raniye: Don't thank me. Thank Laila. (steps aside and reveals a professional-looking young blond in a blouse and neatly ironed business skirt.)

Laila: Hi. (waves a little at them, smiles shyly at Xerxes, who doesn't see her)

Raniye: Laila got the legal side of things straightened out; I just posted bail. Word gets around fast here; I'm pretty sure the whole island knows what happened now.

Mozenrath: No…

Jasmine: Our careers…

Xerxes: Well, look on the bright side. At least it wasn't a 50 attendance rate this year.

(Mozenrath and Jasmine glare at him.)

Raniye: But don't worry, there aren't any photos of the incident, and the four eyewitnesses happen to be fairly unpopular regulars around here.

(Cop moves forward and starts to unlock the cell; looks down, curling his lip in disgust at the enraptured faces of the Mozenrath wannabes, eyes trailing Raniye's every movement. He kicks a few of their hands back from the bars.)

Jasmine: (steps out of the cell, hugs Raniye and Laila) Thank you SO much. If you can just help control the publicity…

Raniye: Don't worry about it. Laila's great at what she does.

Laila: (blushes) Oh, not really, I just started practicing. (Looks shyly at Xerxes again, who finally notices her and smiles back distractedly, still avoiding Raniye's gaze)

Mozenrath: Thank you. You're both lifesavers. (He hugs Laila lightly and then hesitates before he can do the same to Raniye. She smiles warmly and draws him into a hug. Jasmine and Xerxes stand to the side in awkward silence.)

Raniye: You guys are all welcome to stay at my place if you want tonight. It's really late and I have plenty of space. (smiles at Jasmine) Up for some spa treatment?

Jasmine: At this hour?

RM 14: (seeming to have forgotten how they were all fawning over Jasmine a minute ago) You dare question the beneficence of the Goddess?

RM 18: She is not worthy of Lord Mozenrath!

RM 6: Only the Goddess is worthy!

RM 17: We are unworthy!

All RMs: We are unworthy!

(Raniye backs away further, highly disturbed, looks at the cop questioningly. The cop speaks into his radio and calls for backup in escorting the three freed Antiphony cast members out of jail.)

Jasmine: (whispers to Mozenrath) How did she manage all this?

Mozenrath: (whispers back) You don't know? Who her father really is?

Jasmine: Her father's Sultan. The nice old man who plays my dad.

Mozenrath: (shakes his head slightly, whispers more softly as Raniye and Laila straighten out the last few details with the officers) He's part of the mob.

(Jasmine's eyes widen but she stays silent, now looking at Raniye with a new sense of respect and a little fear.)

(A few minutes later they are out of jail and in a black Cadillac Escalade heading for Raniye's beach house. Jasmine glances out the back window and sees the forlorn group of Mozenrath wannabes looking at the car drive away, bearing their Lord and trainer to the Goddess' abode without them. Raniye is sitting up front. Jasmine and Mozenrath are in the second row, while Xerxes and Laila are in the back. Everyone is silent, thinking their own thoughts about the crazy events of the night.)

Raniye: Oh, Carlos, take a turn here, we need to drop off one of my friends.

(The car stops in front of the five star hotel where the Antiphony cast and crew are staying. Xerxes gets out of the car and thanks Raniye quietly. Laila follows, unexpectedly. Raniye gives her a smile and doesn't stop her. Jasmine looks up at the tall building and remembers Aladdin, realizes he must be worried about her.)

Jasmine: Raniye, can we stop here for a minute? I need to tell Aladdin I'm okay.

Raniye: No problem. Take your time.

Jasmine: Moze, give me your phone.

(Mozenrath hands her his phone. She calls Aladdin and bites her lip as it rings and rings but no one answers. She gets the message system.)

Aladdin's recorded voice: Hello, you've reached Aladdin's cell phone, I'm probably off saving a city or my princess from danger—love ya babe—but if you leave a name and number, I'll call you back as soon as I can. Thanks, bye.

Jasmine: (after the beep) Aladdin, I just wanted to let you know I'm fine. I ran into an…interesting…predicament, nothing dangerous, but I'll tell you more about it in the morning. I'm going to stay at Raniye's tonight. See you tomorrow hon. Love you. (hangs up and gives the phone back to Mozenrath)

Raniye: (glances back from the front seat) Everything okay?

Jasmine: Yeah, thanks for waiting. Actually…I just wanna check if Al is back yet. If he is, I won't bother you tonight, I'll stay here.

Raniye: It's not a bother at all, Jasmine. But go ahead and check.

(Jasmine runs inside and gets to their suite, unlocks it. The inside is dark and empty. She turns on the lights and finds no one. She bites her lip for a second, then scribbles a short note about staying at Raniye's and leaves it on the table. She closes the door and runs back out to the car.)

Jasmine: He's not there. Sorry for the wait.

Raniye: No problem. Are we ready to go?

Jasmine: Yeah, let's go. (forces the worry out of her smile)

(The short drive to Raniye's house is uneventful. Both Jasmine and Mozenrath look out the windows of their respective sides of the car. Raniye is humming lightly. Jasmine happens to glance over at Mozenrath and sees a slight smile on his face. Puzzled, she glances forward at Raniye and sees that she's smiling at Moze from the little mirror in the visor. Jasmine realizes belatedly where the tune is from.)

(They arrive at Raniye's beautiful beach house where a Benz, Rolls Royce, and Hummer are already parked in the expansive driveway. Jasmine wonders how she can leave them out in the open without fear of car theft, but remembers who her father is. She still can't believe that Sultan is a mob boss. Then she spies the black-suited bodyguards stationed around the premises, keeping to the shadows.)

Raniye: Well, we're here. (One of the bodyguards outside steps forward to open the door and help her out of the car.)

Jasmine: Really, thanks so much for doing this for us.

Raniye: (smiles warmly) It's nothing at all. I'm glad we can finally spend some time together, Jasmine. I feel like we haven't had much time to get to know each other at all even though we've been filming for a year.

Jasmine: Yeah…you were saying something about spa treatment?

Raniye: Oh yes, we just got those rooms renovated…

Mozenrath: Sorry to interrupt, ladies; I'm actually really exhausted from today. Do you mind if I just—

(Raniye and Jasmine open their mouths at the same time to speak, but Jasmine realizes this isn't her question to answer. Raniye's eyes flicker to her for a second before she continues graciously.)

Raniye: I totally understand. Go ahead to your room, you know where it is. Let me know if you need anything in the next hour or so.

Mozenrath: Sure, thanks. (leans forward as if to embrace her but stops as he seems to realize something; he doesn't look at Jasmine at all as he turns toward the house and starts walking toward the door. He stops as he realizes something yet again and turns around to say goodnight to her.) Jasmine—sorry about all the trouble. Hope you have a good night.

Jasmine: No, none of it was your fault. (smiles) Goodnight.

(Raniye and Jasmine walk inside another way. Jasmine marvels at the inside of the house; she is rich herself from her acting career, but doesn't have a house quite as extravagant and beautiful as this. She compliments Raniye on the décor as they walk barefoot on the polished hardwood floor toward the spa room.)

Raniye: Make yourself at home here. I don't get to hold enough of these ladies' nights anymore.

Jasmine: Thanks so much again.

Raniye: (laughs pleasantly) You can stop thanking me. I should thank you for your company. I'm sure we have a lot to learn about each other.

Jasmine: Yeah…


(Scene: empty, dimly lit interior of Club Coral after closing time. The dance floor is strewn with confetti, sand tracked in from outside, spilled alcohol, crushed plastic cups, and other miscellaneous garbage. Janna is cleaning up the bar. She spots a phone on the floor under one of the stools. Picking it up, she slides it open.)

Janna: Hmm…a video message from Aladdin. (looks around even though no one's in the building with her. Presses play.)

(Her eyes progressively widen as she watches and listens in disbelief. Aladdin is tied to a bedpost with rope, as if it's a ship's mast.)

Saleen: Beg me, sailor.

Ariel: I'll save you, my prince!


A/N: 25 RMs: OOOoooooOOOOoooooooo…