AN: Thank you to ALL reviewers. Especially those who give feedback on the story content, your opinions are helpful and I have taken into consideration everyone's comments.
Warnings: Incest, Language
Big Thanks - to Vienna Wood for editing this lengthy chapter, your assistance is appreciated and I think it's making me lazy.
NB: This chapter's M rated content has been removed/edited. Please visit my AO3 profile for the uncut chapter.
-I do not know anything about cooking, if the meal Ed and Al made makes no sense, I apologize.
Sub Disclaimer: Subtitle Lyrics I do not own. They belong to Chester Bennington
Pairing: Elricest (Edward/Alphonse)
Rating: T
Verse: Post Manga, Deviation From Canon
Bitter Sweet
All those years down the drain
Love was not enough when you want everything
What I gave to you and now the end must start
Oh I should have listened to my heart
"Edward…"
He was already slowly waking because of Alphonse's accelerated breathing against his neck but hearing his name mumbled in a low breathy voice made him open his heavy eyelids.
Edward inhaled sleepily and being familiar with the feeling of Alphonse in his arms he wasn't confused by the warm, firm body pressed against him.
He was just thinking it was too warm – having realized they were covered by a blanket- when he decided to get a feel of exactly where his limbs were and to try to untangle himself from Alphonse's sleeping warmth. But he became distracted by the sound of the continued deep, heavy breathing against his neck.
It reminded him of what had awoken him to start with and he frowned, he pulled his head back slightly and inclined it to see Alphonse's face, the younger blonde had his head lowered so his nose had been under Ed's chin.
He opened his mouth to say Alphonse's name and wake him up, moderate concern creeping into his waking awareness at his younger brother's heavy breathing. But he blinked slowly and closed his mouth when he realized Alphonse was aroused and it was pressed against Ed's inner hip since Al's one leg was between his own.
He raised his eyebrows as it dawned on him why exactly Alphonse was breathing heavily…and had said his name. It was unusual for Edward, since he'd never taken the younger blonde's sexual praise of himself as something to be proud of, but right then he felt relief from the situation.
It wasn't a pleased feeling, it had more to do with how he'd been feeling that morning after Alphonse and his argument about Al's female friend. He was relieved because Al dreaming about him meant he hadn't been pushed aside for some girl his younger brother had only recently come to know.
He was still in his brother's heart…and lustings.
No, he didn't feel proud or smug…just relieved that he might not have been lied to.
On the other end of his relief however was guilt…because Alphonse hadn't had dreams like this for as long as they'd been sharing a bed, the fact that he was now highlighted Edward's worsening neglectfulness of the younger blonde's needs.
He sighed and tried to lift his hand from under the covers, only to realize it was still under Alphonse's shirt. Edward's feelings settled between guilt for his hand being there and the urge to touch the skin he could feel against the backs of his knuckles.
He was allowed to touch after all…it was what Alphonse wanted and the small sound Al made against his neck between his breathing right then reaffirmed for Edward that he did in fact have the permission to do so.
He uncurled his fingers and splayed them against Alphonse's mid back, as he slid his hand slowly downward he felt the subtle ridges of his younger brother's spine and his relaxed back muscles, until eventually he stroked his hand over Al's hip and removed his hand from the warm skin under the shirt altogether.
Alphonse's hand was clutching the back of his shirt slightly and his grip tightened for a moment, Edward's hand on his skin had raised a reaction in him even though he wasn't awake.
"Al, wake up…" Edward was finally able to bring his hand up from under the covers and he slipped it between their faces, he patted his younger brother's cheek very lightly while looking into his face at close proximity.
Alphonse frowned and licked his lips, Edward smiled slightly at the small huff Al let out at Ed's attempts to wake him, the younger blonde's eyes remained defiantly closed.
"Alphonse." Edward said slightly louder, blinking his tired eyes and lightly stroking his fingers against Al's cheek. Slowly he turned his hand around and brushed his knuckles along Alphonse's jaw line.
The younger blonde didn't stir at all and his breathing was evening out, Edward sighed quietly, figuring he should just let Alphonse sleep since the dream had obviously passed.
He placed his thumb under Alphonse's chin and raised his head slightly, just enough for him to press a soft kiss to his cheek. He was surprised when Al's face turned and their lips brushed. Edward pulled back and he watched as Alphonse opened and closed his eyes a few times taking in a short confused breath through his nose,
"Ed?" he said in a garbled mumble, his tone had a hint of questioning.
"Yeah. Go back to sleep." Edward said quietly as the younger blonde's eyes fell closed after another tired blink and didn't open again.
Al's head moved in what Edward supposed was intended as a nod but the movement was too sluggish and was followed by a weak attempt to pucker his lips. The older blonde smiled adoringly at Alphonse and kissed him on the lips gently.
He didn't pull back immediately and when he finally did it was only slightly so he could press another dry lipped kiss to Al's still puckered lips. Edward felt wrong for kissing his sleeping brother in the first place but when Al's lips parted slightly the older blonde felt even guiltier for parting his own as well. He licked Al's bottom lip softly and kissed Alphonse's mouth slowly…and Al's mouth opened just a bit more to give him access to kiss deeper.
He didn't go any further though, Alphonse was sleeping and doing anything more would feel dissolute on a different level entirely. As he drew back he used his thumb under Al's chin to brush over his lips as encouragement to seal them. He felt Alphonse exhale against his thumb from his partially closed lips before he breathed out,
"Brother…"
Edward's chest tightened painfully, eyes widening at first but then he frowned at how softly the word had been whimpered. He swallowed when his mouth felt suddenly dry and he realized he was holding his breath, he exhaled very shakily through his nose. Edward stared into Alphonse's dark shadowed face, he was still asleep and his face was so peaceful. Edward felt as though he might cry, his throat was tensing as he stared at his younger brother…
…Edward wanted to hear him say it again, his heart ached to hear it.
It had been months…since Alphonse had called him that and he truly missed it.
'I used to be your big brother, we used to be so damn close….now I'm just Edward and all I do is make you unhappy…'
He raised his hand, now trembling lightly as his body dealt with the harsh emotional anguish he felt, and he ran it through Alphonse's hair, over a few times, slowly each time.
Edward sniffed softly and leaned down to press his lips to Alphonse's ear,
"I'm sorry Alphonse, I'm sorry things turned out like this…it shou-…" his throat hurt and he had to swallow sorely before continuing with a pained short breath, "…it shouldn't have been this way."
He mumbled another apology as he drew back, a few tears finally slipped from his eyes so he shut them tightly. He ran his hand down the back of Alphonse's head to his neck, pulling him closer and hugging him as much as he could laying as they were.
Edward held his sleeping brother for a few long minutes before he finally felt like he could let go. He carefully shifted his leg backwards from between Al's and with a light hand on Alphonse's thigh he pushed the younger blonde's leg off his own. Once he had his leg free he was able to shift himself up and sideways on the edge of the sofa, he still moved carefully as he got off the couch and stood up. Edward held the blanket still so it didn't tug on Alphonse as he moved and then he turned around and covered the younger blonde properly again.
He stepped around the table carefully then walked through the lounge into the dark hall, he listened to the mismatched sound of his feet on the tile as he approached his bedroom door. He went inside quietly, walked over to the bed and sat down heavily heaving a pained sigh, his chest still hurt and he was still trembling lightly as he ran a hand through his bangs and looked at the his bedside clock.
It was almost 5 am.
He knew he had to be up in an hour anyway so he didn't bother to go back to sleep.
Instead he figured he'd just leave really early for work.
Edward was surprised that Alphonse hadn't woken up.
After he'd showered, cleaned up, tied his wet hair into a ponytail and was dressed by a quarter to six he assumed the younger blonde would be awake from the minimal noise. Alphonse had always been a light sleeper after all.
But when Edward walked quietly into the lounge to retrieve his work tools and blueprints, he found Alphonse hadn't moved and was still breathing evenly, sound asleep. He went on to pack his tools up, expecting the sound of him removing the tape from the table would stir the younger blonde, but still Alphonse slept.
Edward was frowning by the time he'd re-rolled his blueprints, had repacked his bag and was ready to leave…because he realized that his younger brother had been just as exhausted as he was.
'I guess he hasn't been sleeping any better than I have…' and he knew sleeping together in the same bed seemed to appease them both enough to sleep well. Even though he'd only slept for a short few hours, it had been a much less restless sleep and he knew it was because he'd been holding Alphonse.
It was abnormal and wrong to need Alphonse's physical body to sleep better but he'd long since stopped denying he did in fact need it. He'd also stopped questioning just how far back his want to have Al physically close actually went…and when it had gone from a subconscious want to a conscious need.
He stood for a moment in the lounge doorway with his blueprints and bag in his hands, feeling bad for creeping around hoping to not to wake Alphonse and then succeeding in doing so, he could leave before Al woke up.
He knew he should wake Alphonse and say goodbye at least or this would be the second morning that they didn't leave each other on proper terms to go about their days.
'But we didn't fight at least…' he made an excuse for himself.
With an inward sigh, he turned away from Alphonse's sleeping form and walked into the small entrance way. He put his armfuls down so he could pull his boots on quietly –guiltily- and when he was done he left the apartment just as quietly and locked the door behind himself.
It was almost 6.30 am when Edward was sitting in a coffee shop down the street from the construction site, the gates would only be opened at 7 am by the site foreman –who didn't like Edward because he had to take instruction from him.
He was staring into a cup of black coffee, it was fresh and steaming and it smelled good because it wasn't cheap shit…and it was his second cup in ten minutes.
Edward hadn't been able to stop thinking of Alphonse's sleeping face, he'd looked so peaceful and perfect…so innocent and pure. And Edward didn't understand why he'd kissed the younger blonde when he'd been asleep and it bothered him, it was twisted…
Then again, it wasn't really. He'd kissed Alphonse that afternoon when he'd come home from work and the younger blonde had stopped him at the time but Edward had been enjoying it quite a bit, he'd wanted to kiss Al. It was the same feeling he'd had when he'd kissed Alphonse on the couch, he'd just wanted to.
Despite his personal conflictions, he couldn't deny that he was very attracted to Alphonse…
…of course that didn't change the fact that sometimes being 'attracted' wasn't enough to keep him going.
But right then…when he thought of the warm wetness of Alphonse's mouth and his soft skin…Edward felt sinfully horny and a little queasy. It was no good, having sex on a regular basis had made not having sex feel worse.
He'd become used to having sex for several nights in a row at a time and the longer he went without it he found himself craving it. In the beginning the time it took for his avoidance episodes to pass was much quicker as it was slowly replaced with a tepid desire… and he'd be back to serving Alphonse's needs within a few days.
But he'd been feeling the craving for sex less and less which is why he'd been pulling away from Alphonse without even realizing it…until that early morning when Alphonse had been dreaming of him. He could feel his mild desires easing back in slowly but surely.
Edward figured he should suppress his personal guilt now that he knew Alphonse wasn't lying to him and still needed him. Ed knew he had to get back to his priority of making Al happy instead of avoiding him…and he'd be satisfying his own lesser desires in the process.
The fact that the younger blonde had called him 'brother' had both hurt and healed Edward in different ways. It had hurt to be called that right after kissing Alphonse…as if the younger blonde associated their brotherhood with their sexual relationship. But it had healed Edward's pain of wondering whether Alphonse wished they were no longer brothers or never had been at all…
Like everything in his life, it was a double edged sword.
'Does Alphonse want to be with me…because I'm his brother?' he raised the coffee to his lips and sipped from the hot liquid trying to ignore the sudden nausea that turned his stomach at the thought. His lip stung slightly from the heat but he didn't even flinch, his taste buds were still raw from the first hot cup he'd drunk so he didn't bother about scalding himself.
He sat for a while longer in the quiet shop until his coffee was finished and it was a few minutes after 7 am, the waitress came by to ask if he wanted anything else a few times but he said no each time. He wasn't hungry for some reason and so he figured by lunch time he'd be hungry enough to eat a lot more.
Thinking of that as the waitress took his coffee cup and left a bill, Edward asked her about the lunch specials. She rattled them off in a well-rehearsed manner and then he left the coffee shop with his blueprints and bag, thinking over the menu and what he'd buy that afternoon.
"What the hell do you mean you need to tear up 815 square feet of concrete and steel foundation?! That stage of the project was completed two weeks ago, why the fuck would it need to be redone?!" Edward yelled at the site foreman who had at least twenty years of age on him and a few noticeable inches of height, not that that made any difference to the blonde who had intimidated many much larger and more dangerous men and monsters in his lifetime.
The man was straight lipped and a little red in his face, he was a slightly balding and large set man who wasn't used to being talked to the way Edward did right then, being the 'guy in charge' and all. But Edward was technically in charge of him since he was not just the designer but had a much more in-depth knowledge of exactly how to create a sound structure from scratch. He didn't seem intimidated by Edward but he didn't seem eager to step out of line because of how much pull Edward had with the military.
"The cement proportions weren't mixed properly…that means th-…" he grunted and Edward scowled making him fall silent, Ed's eyes narrowed quickly,
"I know what the hell it means!" he snapped, "Are your men trying to cut corners by watering down the cement grade?"
"It was just a miscalculation, no one's cutting any corners." The man defended his company with a frown.
"You've been doing this for too many years to miscalculate old man," Edward stared the man down, "unless you didn't check the foundation mix before they laid it, is that it? You fucked up by not doing your job, Foreman?" he sounded calmer as he asked that, no longer yelling.
Several of the workers were standing around and watching them, the older man had his hands folded across his chest as he stared down at Edward but it made no difference, the younger man did not stand down for anyone and he certainly didn't respect people just because they were older than him.
"Yes, I assumed they'd done it correctly." He half mumbled, looking like he had tasted something disgusting.
"Oh," Edward quipped mockingly, "…you assumed that the foundation concrete mix for a multimillion-Cenz construction project of a State Military building was done correctly. That's really professional…" he scoffed and tucked his bangs behind his ears as he looked across the large open space that was currently an eye sore of excavated ground, cement, steel and machinery.
The weather was warm and it was 2 pm and he hadn't yet eaten anything, he'd only had two cups of coffee that morning and a few more through the day and he was irritable as hell…so the Foreman hot to be the unlucky victim for venting his frustration.
"How bad?" Edward asked and turned his golden eyes back on the older man.
"It's piss poor, too weak to hold up five floors of stone and concrete. It's cracking already and we've only started putting up the walls and pillars." The foreman answered evenly, "We have to tear it up."
Edward grimaced, not looking forward to the call he'd have to make,
"You fucked this up," he pointed at the taller man, "the construction time is going to fall back at least a fucking month," he loathed the idea of dedicating himself to the job for an additional month, "and you better fucking believe that your company's redoing that 815 on your own cost and if you go over your quote you'll take it as a loss." He said calmly and clenched his jaw.
The older man looked angry but resigned, he obviously knew he would literally pay for his fuck up and he nodded while giving Edward an unpleasant once over.
Edward returned the look and turned on his heel, narrowing his eyes as his glare cut across the staring workers and a few of them looked away from him quickly. He ignored the mumbles and hushed complaints of the men standing around and made his way back across the open sandy space to his small office. Edward had never missed a train ride and a bland country view as much as he did right then, hehated steady work and dealing with people.
He boots jarred the steel steps outside his office heavily as he stomped up and inside, he slammed his door and glared at the military phone that had been temporarily installed for him.
Mustang hated paper work and expense fuck ups and much as Edward hated people and incompetence.
With a heavy sigh he walked around to sit in his chair, he picked the phone up, dialed the number he knew well and then leaned back in his chair and placed his one leg across his other knee.
The phone rang twice before it was answered,
-"General Mustang's office."
"Hey, Major, it's Edward." he greeted Riza Hawkeye stiffly, recognizing the woman's familiar voice.
-"Hi Edward, did you want to speak to the General?" she asked professionally.
"Yeah, please." He mumbled.
-"I'll connect you, he's in a bit of a bad mood Ed…so try not to make it worse for all of us." She said seriously enough, but he heard a note of amusement in her tone.
"Can't make any promises, not doing so great myself." He grumbled.
She sighed,
-"Alright, going through."
The line went quiet and then started ringing again after a second, Edward waited four and a half rings this time before Mustang's voice spoke into the open line,
-"General Mustang." He said in a blunt tone.
Edward raised an eyebrow, his own irritation still brimming at the surface,
"Mustang, where the hell did you find these fucking morons?" his own tone was harsh.
There was a pause and then,
-"Maybe I could answer your question if I knew what the hell you were talking about." Mustang used his calm but angry tone of voice Ed was very well acquainted with.
"The construction company you hired, they're fucking morons!" he restated loudly, clenching his free hand into a fist.
-"What happened?" Mustang sighed heavily and Edward thought he sounded tired.
Edward clenched his jaw a few times and reigned in his yelling for an angry but lower tone,
"Details aside, construction is set back approximately 4 weeks because of the hired company's incompetent piece of-…"
-"Yes alright, spare me your colorful vocabulary if you would." Mustang said in a dull voice, "I have a headache and your complaining always did make it worse."
Edward narrowed his eyes and was about to start yelling –and swearing- in alphabetical order when he remembered he was adult…and he'd long since stopped throwing tantrums.
He let out a withering sigh and he pressed his thumb and fingers into his closed eyes for a moment,
"I'll get a new time frame worked out and on paper for you as well as a detailed report by tomorrow, send someone to the site by 7.30 to pick it up and you can look it over or whatever the fuck it is you have to do…" he forced his tone to be even and pulled the phone from his ear to hang up.
-"Edward…"
He paused with the phone a few centimeters from the hook when he heard Mustang say his name into the phone line and followed it with some more indiscernible words, the older man was clearly still talking to him. He blinked slowly, contemplating whether or not he wanted to continue the conversation with an irritated Mustang while he was also irritated.
He heard his name again said with a more questioning tone.
Edward's lips formed a straight line before he brought the phone back to his ear, he'd hesitated too long, if he hung up now Mustang would phone back and grouch at him for hanging up on him 'deliberately' and that would just piss him off.
"Say that again." Ed huffed into the handset once it was back against his ear.
-"You were going to hang up on me weren't you?" Mustang asked calmly.
"Maybe." Edward raised an eyebrow.
-"Strange…" Mustang hummed, "…first you don't yell at me for cutting you off but then you want to hang up on me. I'm getting mixed signals from you and its breaking my fragile heart." He sighed tragically into the line, apparently feeling much better and ready to trade pointless wit.
Edward hated the smirk that tugged at his lips,
"I'm not going to flirt with you, Mustang, no matter how much it amuses you. What did you say when I was about to hang up on you?" Edward tilted his neck side to side, rubbing at the tension in his shoulder with his free hand.
-"I asked if you had a concussion or something, seeing as how you didn't yell at me." he said very seriously.
"So I should have hung up, I really should trust my instincts." Edward sighed.
-"All that ever did was nearly get you killed…multiple times." Mustang mumbled, a smirk most likely on his face.
"Says the man who has no fighting instinct and forgets he's useless on rainy days." Edward shot back calmly, smirking. But his smirk fell quickly when he realized that Mustang could easily mock him for beingentirely useless when it came to alchemy.
-"That happened once." Mustang grumbled "And might I remind you-…" Edward braced himself, his stomach clenching in apprehension of the insult to come, "- that I was only eager to stop Scar from killing you at the time." Mustang finished smoothly.
Edward felt the abrupt tension in his stomach lessen, leaving behind only a slight feeling of shakiness…and relief.
'Should have known he wouldn't pick on that.'
"Ah yes, my almost hero…" Edward said with a smile and a feigned breathlessness.
Mustang chuckled,
-"You're flirting with me."
Edward stopped smiling instantly and his eye twitched,
"Damn it, how the hell do you that…?" it wasn't really a question, just a complaint.
-"An acquired skill I assure you, many unsuspecting women have fallen victim to my flirtation." He boasted lazily.
"I'm not a woman, bastard. And I'm not about to fall anywhere near you…and besides you're straight remember," Edward grinned, "or are you getting dementia in your old age?"
Mustang laughed quietly and Edward frowned slightly…because that was a laugh he'd never heard before.
It sounded like a personal…sexy laugh and it made his skin crawl…in an odd way.
-"Well, I-…" there was a noise on Mustang's end of the phone –like a door opening- that interrupted him and Edward heard Hawkeye telling him to please stop procrastinating and finish his assigned work before his meeting. Then Mustang sigh very quietly but it was straight into the phone so Ed heard it and raised his eyebrows.
-"I'll send Havoc to fetch the papers in the morning, have you assaulted anyone I should prepare to silence from bringing a lawsuit against you?" he said after his sigh.
"No…just like when you asked me last time you called." Edward drawled.
-"I'd rather be a step ahead." Mustang sounded quietly amused, "We both know you have a short temper."
Edward's eyes narrowed but he didn't let it get to him,
"Not today Mustang, try again tomorrow."
-"If you wanted me to call you tomorrow you only had to ask." Mustang said smoothly.
"Shut up." Edward huffed.
-"Try not to miss me too much." Mustang said –with a bastardly grin Edward could just picture him wearing- and then the line went dead.
Edward's eye twitched as he gripped the handset tightly,
"Every time…he does that every time." He grumbled irritably and dropped the phone down so it 'tinged' loudly.
He sat back again and ran his hand over his eyes and then through his bangs, his stomach growled quietly and he grimaced. He was hungry, tired and in a very bad mood…
'I wonder how Alphonse is?" he sat forward after a moment and opened his desk drawer, shoving some papers and stationary around until he found the paper that had Alphonse's daily lectures printed on it.
"Biochemistry…" Edward read, he'd guessed that was the lecture Al was in right then but double checked in case he was wrong. He'd hoped he was wrong.
He knew that he could only call Alphonse during his anatomy and physiology lectures since his younger brother knew just about all he'd ever need to know about those subjects and always spent the designated times in the university's medical library. Edward hardly ever waited long for the librarian to fetch Al to her reception phone since she always knew exactly where to find him. He looked over the schedule and saw he wouldn't be able to call Alphonse before he left work with his lecture layout as it was.
But the day was almost over anyway and he'd be home soon, he really just wanted to smooth things over with Alphonse right then. The tension in his neck was getting worse and his muscles ached from it.
With a deep exhale Edward dropped the schedule back into his drawer and then slipped his hand into his pocket to retrieve his watch. He looked at the plain face of the silver watch after he flicked the cover open and saw that it was approaching 3 pm.
He closed the watch again and put it back into his pocket, it was not as valuable or intricately created as his State Alchemist watch had been and nowhere near as fancy or expensive as the one he'd bought Alphonse for his birthday but it was a nice tasteful piece that served its purpose.
He blinked a few times tiredly as he glanced over his desk at the scatter of papers, drawing tools, stationary and books, with an inward sigh he rolled his chair in to his desk and started to work on the papers he'd need to give Mustang.
He'd finished his blueprint revisions at work that morning and hoped he could finish the reports before he left work…because he really didn't want to take work home with him again.
Edward took the steps up to the apartment steadily, he didn't drag his feet or let his usual anxiousness about returning home to his brother…turned lover, bother him. After the night before with Alphonse curled up, sleeping peacefully and happy in his arms, Edward felt a little better.
He was still hungry, he still had work he needed to finish for Mustang, he still had lots of emotional crap to work out and he'd taken a good deal more anger out on the Foreman in his office just before he'd left work but he was looking forward to seeing Alphonse…to kissing him hello after a long day.
'Don't think about how sick you are, Edward. Just keep moving forward.' He reached the top of the stairs of their floor and walked down the hall to their apartment.
Edward assumed Alphonse was home since it was almost 6 pm so he didn't bother to reach for his keys and just turned the handle down. He didn't have anything excess in his arms since his work papers for Mustang were in his work bag so he had no trouble opening the door and stepping inside…
…and he had nothing to distract his attention from the pair of flat woman's shoes sitting slightly askew beside Alphonse's black shoes next to the door. Edward stood completely still with his hand on the door handle for a second and then took two steps inside the doorway before his stomach lurched uncomfortably when he heard a woman laugh from down the hall.
Edward frowned slowly and blinked a few times when he heard the laughing even out to a pleasant giggle and then he heard Alphonse's laugh, soft, amused and genuine. Ed lowered his eyes to the floor and took a quiet steadying breath, unable to figure out why he was suddenly so…upset.
Not angry, not jealous, not irritated…just upset. It felt a lot like the feelings of loss he'd experienced after sleeping with Alphonse that first time…except he didn't know what he was losing this time.
Despite the unsettling feeling that flared up, Edward forced himself to focus on being objective and supportive as a brother, because to him, Alphonse was a brother before a lover.
And if Alphonse truly did choose to have a natural, healthy relationship with a woman that made him laugh like that…then Edward would be happy for him…no matter what.
"Well at least it matches my clothes." He heard the woman speak just as he closed the door –quietly-, her tone was amused as well.
Her voice was not high pitched but was still very feminine and she pronounced her words just like Alphonse did, with crisp enunciation and clarity.
"How do I look?" she asked and he heard Alphonse laugh again, slightly louder and again genuinely, Edward experienced familiar butterflies but also felt nauseous at the sound.
He moved to place his bag down and then crouched to unlace his boots enough to slip them off,
"Come here," Edward clenched his fists around the laces of the second boot when he heard his brother say that to her, "let me get it out of your hair before you forget it's there." Alphonse laughed softly…his tone was laced with fondness that made Edward swallow sorely.
He stood slowly and stepped out of his boots quickly, he took a second to compose himself, ignoring his anxiety and the pain in his chest and stomach in order to make his facial expression passive. He walked into the hall as quietly as he could with one metal foot and then he turned and stopped in the kitchen doorway.
His eyes fell on Alphonse's slightly smiling face –directed at the person standing close to him- as he muttered something about 'you threw the peppers'. Ed then trailed his gaze to his younger brother's hands, slender and deft, they were picking green –what Edward assumed were herbs- from the woman's black hair.
She stood close…so close that he was sure Alphonse would have to be pretty familiar to let her stand almost under his chin. Winry was the only girl that had ever been so physically familiar with Alphonse as far as he knew and that was because they'd grown up together. He supposed Mei probably had been like that with the younger blonde too…just like this woman was.
His insides twisted sorely.
Edward looked over them, the table obscured their lower halves but he could see her chest was just a few inches from Alphonse's, her hands hovering over but not actually touching his flanks. Ed looked over her fleetingly, she was thin and had a feminine shape –not straight built like the waitress- this woman had subtle curves, she had long black hair and her skin was fair, fairer than both his and Alphonse's.
He lost interest with her when Alphonse asked her to turn around so he could check the back of her hair, Ed's golden eyes were back on his younger brother and while his face was impassive his chest hurt.
Edward knew that the woman had spotted him as she turned around and he waited the brief second it took for Alphonse to look at him as well.
The flash of shock…and guilt, that crossed the younger blonde's face made Edward's chest ache more. If Alphonse looked that way then Ed could only assume he had something to hide.
"Edward, I didn't hear you come in." Alphonse smiled and Ed knew instantly it was forced and awkward, he knew his brother's smile too well to be fooled by a false version. Alphonse's chosen words made him wonder whether if he'd been just a few minutes later in coming to stand in the doorway…maybe they would have kissed, they'd certainly been standing close enough.
He swallowed sorely as he kept his eyes on Alphonse's ill-concealed discomfort,
"I only just got here…" Ed said honestly in a reasonable tone, the pain in his throat fortunately not giving away his emotional distress.
'If this is what Alphonse wants then I won't stand in his way.' Edward knew it was the right thing to do for them both, but it was especially for his beloved sibling. He turned his eyes to the nameless raven haired woman…though he assumed he already knew her name.
Now that she was facing him he was able to see her properly…and he was disturbingly annoyed but genuinely approving of how attractive she was. She had fine facial features, dark green eyes and –when she smiled at him suddenly- he found it was disarming and genuine.
"Hi, I'm Elizabeth Dunn. I don't know if Alphonse has mentioned me, I'm a friend of his." She walked toward him and he watched her movements, even as she bumped into a chair, her smile never wavered. The friendliness of her tone made him feel bad because he felt a very deep dislike for her and yet he didn't even know her.
When she offered her hand to shake Edward blinked mildly at her bright smile and her thin, pale hand. He knew it would be childish to ignore her offered hand so he raised his own and as he clasped her smaller hand he could tell he made her nervous since her grip was inconsistent in his light hold.
He managed his own completely fake smile, the one he always used on…well almost everyone,
"Yeah he has, I'm Edward, his older brother." His voice still didn't betray him.
He noticed her hand was soft and warm…and Edward knew that Alphonse would probably prefer hands like that over his own rough and blood stained hands once he experienced them.
'If he hasn't already…' Edward let her hand go right then as his skin crawled beneath his black shirt…Alphonse deserved innocent soft hands, he knew, but the mental image of Al with this woman did nothing but piss him off.
It was pathetic and irrational to feel that way…and he knew it.
"Yes I know, I was keen to meet the brother Alphonse never has a bad thing to say about." She took her hand back and tucked her hair behind her ears, "I've known many siblings and they always complain about each other, but not Al. I think you might be a saint from the way he talks about you."
Her words didn't give Edward any comfort, knowing Alphonse talked so well about him despite what a bad person and brother he was only made him feel worse. He glanced at the younger blonde and felt a new shudder of inner hurt when Al didn't meet his eyes and turned away rather blatantly.
Guilty…Edward figured he was right about something going on with them that he'd been lied to about.
"I'm no saint I assure you, Elizabeth." He looked back to her, speaking in the friendliest tone he could muster which wasn't much because she blinked at him unsurely, "Alphonse is a far better person than me any day of the week. Are you staying for dinner?" he tried his best to clear the firmness out of his tone.
Elizabeth giggled about their inability to speak badly about each other and then answered his question saying she thought Alphonse would have mentioned she was coming. At that moment he thought about the night before…on the couch and clenched his fists slightly,
"It's fine…" he nodded once as he stepped away from her and walked around the table. "…it's my fault since I'm usually busy with work when I get home and we don't always get to talk."
He didn't want to look at her face anymore, it was making his distress worse. Instead he approached Al's back where he was busy doing something, pretending to be busy.
Edward came to stand beside Alphonse and noticed how the younger blonde suddenly tensed and looked sidelong at him. Ed didn't let the obviously uncomfortable reaction get to him, he reached for the fork Alphonse held and took a firm hold of it,
"Let me finish, Al. You go and keep your friend company." He phrased nicely enough even though his tone was obstinate.
Alphonse let the fork go with slight hesitation and stepped back,
"Alright, thanks Edward." He wasn't hiding whatever he was feeling too well, he sounded confused and he spoke quietly, Ed wondered if he should be worried about what Elizabeth would notice.
But then Alphonse walked away from his side and he decided he didn't want to turn around and try and puzzle out what she might be thinking. He instead focused on what he was looking at, the chicken pieces were half moved over into a casserole dish and the sauce remained in the deep pan. He recognized the dish since Alphonse had made it before and he knew well enough what he needed to do next.
As he moved the last chicken pieces over he became aware of the silence behind him…but there had been no footfalls so he knew they were both still in the kitchen. He frowned but didn't turn around as the silence continued for about a minute. Edward raised an eyebrow curiously when Elizabeth asked rather loudly –and out of the blue- if she could use the bathroom.
'Not very smooth.' He thought with an inward shake of his head as Alphonse –slightly more accustomed to lying- responded to her in a more natural way.
Ignoring them, Ed left the pan where it was once he'd removed all the chicken and walked over to where he saw the chopping board with a pile of colorful vegetables he identified as chopped peppers on it.
He knew Alphonse was now alone with him in the kitchen and he assumed he knew why the younger blonde had stayed behind after Elizabeth's obvious excuse to leave the room, Ed wondered what Al could have to say to him? Edward frowned when something crunched under his automail foot as he came to stand at the chopping board, he glanced down and spotted some pepper pieces and parsley littering the floor.
He didn't ask and looked at the peppers, they appeared hacked up but not nearly thin enough to be cooked down nicely so he picked the board up and sidestepped to the sink to wash his hands. He'd just started to chop the peppers –filling the silence- when the bathroom door shut down the hall and within a second Alphonse was standing beside him…close enough that Edward's elbow brushed his mid-section as he chopped.
"I'm sorry Edward, I did actually forget to tell you yesterday." The younger blonde sounded tense and rueful.
For a moment Edward was confused, as much as he didn't necessarily like Elizabeth or their unresolved problems, he didn't see any reason why Alphonse should apologize for not telling him. They shared their home…
'Does Alphonse feel like he has to live by rules of some sort?' he wondered. Then again, he'd felt the same way after he'd invited Winry to stay without consulting Al first, so he figured it was understandable.
They lived with a secret which they both knew needed to be protected.
He stopped chopping and looked at Alphonse, seeing the uncertainty and worry in the green-gold eyes made Edward feel shittier,
"It's okay Alphonse, I don't see any reason why you can't bring your friends over and you don't need my permission." He said quietly, reassuringly.
Ed looked back to the peppers and continued chopping, unable to look into Alphonse's face for too long. His emotions were a bit raw right then, he was too upset and confused by his feelings about his younger brother and Elizabeth to stare him straight in the eye.
'Maybe that's why he couldn't look at me…because he likes her and he doesn't know how to tell me.' Edward swallowed slowly, aware of his elbow poking Al gently as he cut the peppers to a finer size.
Alphonse said another hushed apology and his voice sounded strained, Edward didn't like that tone of voice,
"Stop apologizing, you didn't do anything wrong." He said firmly.
Ed put the knife down and picked the chopping board up just when Alphonse whispered his name in a questioning, confused tone. He paused and tried to get his constricting chest to cease aching as he took a deep but quiet breath and placed the board down.
He made himself turn to face his younger brother and meet his eyes,
"Alphonse?" he asked softly, wanting to ease the frown on the younger blonde's face.
"Are you upset?" Al asked quietly.
Edward frowned, disliking having to repeat himself,
"I told you, you don't need my perm-…" he was shaking his head but stopped when Alphonse shook his head too,
"I mean about last night…what happened on the couch." He whispered very quietly.
Edward felt a rush of guilt and anxiousness at the mention of that, he still disliked that he'd kissed Alphonse while the younger boy was asleep. That was so wrong it made him edgy and angry at himself every time he thought about it, no matter how much he tried to justify it, it had been wrong.
Alphonse had been dreaming about him and he'd somehow taken advantage of that, used it as an excuse to kiss the younger blonde just because he'd felt like it. He detested that he ever felt like it because he wasn't supposed to, even if it was what Alphonse wanted.
It just didn't get any easier to deal with, it was one thing to do it for Alphonse…and another entirely to want it from him.
'I'm thinking in circles, I can't start that again…not for a while at-…' he realized then that if this girl was Alphonse's girlfriend, he wouldn't have to be with Alphonse anymore.
Edward didn't acknowledge the hollow feeling left after that thought…even though it made him feel cold.
Alphonse had looked down but when he raised his eyes again Edward looked at him,
"We can't talk about that now." He said stiffly, not wanting it talk about it at all…ever again.
Alphonse sighed,
"I don't really know what happened." Edward felt sick with himself when Alphonse admitted to being oblivious to what he'd done "I know I was dreaming and then you kis-…"
"Alphonse, not now." He stated leaving no room for argument.
He was having a hard time keeping a scowl off his face as his emotions raged and his heart beat loudly in his chest. He swallowed thickly, determined to have some time alone to reign in his emotions,
"You should offer your friend something to drink while I finish din-…" he saw Alphonse lean into him and his breath caught as he moved his head back, "…hey…what the hell are you doing?" he whispered so harshly his vocal cords hurt.
He felt somewhat stunned, at the moment he'd realized Alphonse was going to kiss him it was as if alarms went off in his head. There was another person in the apartment and they were committing incest. He didn't understand why Alphonse didn't think before he did things…it angered Edward how reckless he was about his own wellbeing.
He didn't want to get caught because he didn't want anything to happen to Alphonse.
"She's in the bathroom, we'll hear her come out…" the younger blonde's voice was hushed and almost pleading "…kiss me please, Edward." He asked.
Edward blinked…Alphonse hadn't asked to be kissed in so long…and he felt his anger wilt. He knew if he didn't get Alphonse to leave he'd probably give in…when asked like that Edward found it very hard to say no. In fact, since his melt down, he wasn't sure he'd ever said no.
He picked up the chopping board quickly, turned and walked across the kitchen, away from his younger brother, not able to deal with the imploring look in his eyes,
"No, Alphonse." he barely managed to get it out of his constricting throat, it came out so quietly.
There was a heavy silence for a moment and Edward reached over and switched the stove back on, right when the bathroom door opened down the hall…
…and Alphonse took an audible –shaken- breath before his footfalls let Edward know he'd left the kitchen.
"Hey, you were in there a while, did you break anything?" in the hall he heard Alphonse's voice, it was light, quiet…and teasing.
"I know where you live now Al, you better stop picking on me." she said back with a teasing tone of her own.
The way they teased, the way she said 'Al' so familiarly and the quiet laugh Ed heard from his younger brother as their conversation faded down the hall…made Edward's insides twist unpleasantly.
It hurt but it was different than the pain he'd experienced when he'd been trying to deal with Alphonse's affliction.
It was insecurity and fear of abandonment that twisted his insides now. It hurt like when he and Alphonse had been little kids and the younger blonde had yelled that he hated Edward right before running out of their father's study. Edward had immediately gone to look for him since the words had hurt him, he'd wanted to apologize for making fun of Alphonse's drawing of a horse and to admit that his own had been no better.
And every hour that went by that he didn't find his younger brother in the fields and farms had hurt more and more.
The hurt was the same right then and slowly the pain in his chest was getting worse, the further away he pushed Alphonse…and in turn he was pushed away.
And this time he knew it wouldn't turn out like it had when they were kids. He'd searched for hours and had been on the verge of tears as darkness approached when their mother had called him home and calmly taken him upstairs by the hand…to where Alphonse had been fast asleep in Ed's bed. His mother had sighed softly and smiled lovingly when she asked if he'd actually seen Alphonse go outside after they argued…Edward had never felt so stupid…or so utterly lost and then relieved to see his little brother asleep soundly and safe.
In the end Alphonse hadn't left him, he'd gone to their bedroom…where he'd fallen asleep in the one place Edward would eventually have found him…after he'd stopped being stupid and looking in all the wrong places.
But things were different now, he was pushing Alphonse away from him, out of his bed as it were and when they did finally fall out, he didn't think Al would be willing to wait any longer for him to stop being stupid.
'You were always more level headed than me.' Edward sighed as he stirred the peppers into the sauce, the pan was back on the burner and the smell of the food reminded him he was hungry but his unsettled insides weren't too keen on food right then.
Edward took his time completing the food but it wasn't a lengthy dish to make and twenty odd minutes later he was done. He'd added white wine –and drank two glasses from the bottle afterward- garlic and crushed tomatoes to the sauce just to take a few minutes longer in the kitchen but it didn't help much. When he was done he put the chicken pieces back in the pan and mixed them up with the thick sauce.
He could hear talking and the occasional laugh coming from the lounge but he didn't bother trying to hear what they were saying, he didn't need to hear them talk to each other comfortably and familiarly. It was annoying enough that he'd heard them share some personal joke about her breaking something in the bathroom earlier.
It sent his mind whirring with questions of what personal joke could they share about her in a bathroom…and his thoughts were all upsetting. He supposed it might be some other sort of joke and he latched on to that idea.
He carried the pan to the kitchen table and placed it down, then he turned and walked to the cupboard to retrieve plates. Edward distracted himself with thinking about whether to eat the meal without any bread rolls or with, since it could be eaten both ways.
He took another look at the pan and decided that it was better without before he crouched down and took out another sealed bottle of white wine from the bottom cupboard where he kept his alcohol. It wasn't a lot and it was hardly ever touched but right then he needed to drink something.
He left the bottle on the table and took out eating utensils and a dishing spoon which he placed atop the plates. Edward picked up the three plates in one hand next and then he lifted the pan by the handle with his other, he took a steadying breath and finally left the kitchen. Edward walked quietly into the hall and heard the conversation a little clearer, they were talking about someone he didn't know.
When he walked in they both looked at him and stood up –they'd been sitting side by side on the three seat couch. Alphonse stepped around the coffee table and immediately reached out to take what was in his hands and Edward let him do so because he had to go and fetch the wine.
He needed it to get through this supper.
When he turned around Elizabeth spoke up,
"Can I help you with anything?" she said pleasantly but he didn't turn around or stop walking away,
"No, its fine." he said dully and walked into the hall.
He knew he was being rude…but Edward never did care whether or not people liked him.
Once back in the kitchen he grabbed three wine glasses, the wine bottle and a cork screw then took another steadying breath as he made his way back to the lounge. Alphonse looked at him again when he entered and Elizabeth smiled at him.
Edward just glanced at both of them, somehow unable to find the energy to be pleasant, it wasn't as if that sort of thing was expected of him in general.
He placed the glasses down along with the wine bottle and cork screw and then sat down…in the single chair.
The opposite of how it had once been, with him next to Winry and Alphonse sitting in that same chair looking at them like he was now looking at Al and Elizabeth.
Alphonse looked at him with an emotion he couldn't read and he met his eyes for a moment before he looked to Elizabeth who was also looking at him,
"This smells delicious, Alphonse didn't tell me you could cook as well." She raised an eyebrow with a smirk, jabbing Al lightly in his side with her elbow and Edward knew instantly she was the sort who teased and joked a lot.
'Probably doesn't take anything seriously.' He thought as he smiled at her thinly,
"I learn this fancy stuff from Alphonse most of the time."
Alphonse smiled at her too but his small smile was genuine,
"Brother is a very good cook but he prefers to make basic things most of the time." He explained while looking right into her face.
Edward swallowed the rush of burn that shot up into his esophagus as his stomach lurched painfully, if either of them had been looking at him he was sure they'd have noticed the slight loss of color in his face. It was too soon to hear that word 'brother' being used insincerely.
Elizabeth nodded approvingly,
"You two will make two ladies very lucky someday." She said pleasantly.
The stark silence that followed that statement was unintentional and entirely noticeable.
Elizabeth's smile faded and it was clear she was worried she'd said something wrong.
Alphonse was looking at the table with a small frown on his face and Edward was looking at her impassively, watching as she blinked her dark lashes while looking between them uncertainly. It was only a few seconds but it was a silence that all three of them knewheld significance…and it didn't bother Edward in the least what she made of it, which surprised him.
He was sitting forward with his elbows on his knees and decided he'd snap Alphonse out of the blank stare he was giving the general table area,
"Al, pass me the wine…Elizabeth, help yourself. Between Alphonse and me there'll be nothing left for you if we get stuck in first." He managed a slight grin that time.
Alphonse blinked at his name and managed a small smile at Edward's words as he reached for the wine and handed the bottle to Edward along with the cork screw.
"That's true, the Elric appetite is notorious." The younger blonde managed to say as he leaned back and handed her one of the large white plates.
The dishing of food commenced and besides the clinking of the porcelain dishes with utensils and the pouring of wine it was quiet amongst them.
"I was saying to Alphonse…" Edward had his fork into a few peppers and rich sauce when he looked at Elizabeth since she was obviously speaking to him, "…in my house we have to eat at the table. We never do anything as adventurous as eating in the lounge on the sofas." She smiled looking from him to Alphonse as she cut and forked awkwardly at the chicken and sauce in the plate balanced on her lap.
He smiled at her attempted humor, even if he wasn't amused and looked back to his food plate which was balanced on his hand, Alphonse held his the same way. She appeared to having difficulty with her food which Edward noticed when he glanced at her while he chewed on his forkful.
He was still sitting forward and he reached for his wine glass, he took a sip and glanced at Alphonse who was eating quite distractedly, not noticing Elizabeth's dilemma. It annoyed Edward because his younger brother didn't seem to be interested in entertaining his guest but it also made him feel bad because he knew –once again- it was his fault Al was upset.
"Al, move the table closer for Elizabeth, she's not used to eating like this." He said evenly.
Alphonse looked up at him and then to her with a frown, she had her eyebrows raised and was only just about to eat the piece of chicken she'd been cutting,
"Why didn't you say anything?" Alphonse asked her in an annoyed tone and she pouted,
"It's no big deal, I feel like I'm living on the edge here. My plate could tip over at any minute, it's exciting." She blinked her green eyes a few times as a smile played on her lips.
Edward watched Alphonse's frown ease and the younger blonde chuckled softly and palmed his face with his free hand, balancing his plate and fork in his other. She laughed as well and when she looked at Edward he smiled at her…genuinely.
She'd made Alphonse laugh so easily...
She was good for Alphonse. And it hurt him…but it was also a good thing. It was the way things should be.
'I shouldn't be the only person in his life and I definitely shouldn't be his lover…he's beautiful and pure, he deserves much better and so much more.' He thought as he watched Alphonse place his plate down and lean forward to bring the table closer, he was smiling infectiously…at her,
"You're bad enough balancing anything in general, you should stay away from edges period." He teased her.
They shared another personal joke Ed didn't understand.
Edward wasn't hungry anymore –he felt quite sick in fact- but he smiled as he sipped his wine and watched Elizabeth put her plate on the table that was now close to her knees,
"Yes, mother." She rolled her eyes and finally ate the chicken and sauce on her fork, "Hmmm, this is great." She said after chewing and swallowing the bite.
Alphonse narrowed his eyes at her while smirking and then he looked at Edward, the older blonde blinked when the younger's attention was on him, his green eyes twinkling with what Ed assumed was humor and maybe more for his female friend,
"Ed, you used tomatoes didn't you?" he asked knowingly, Ed knew he could taste it in the food.
He didn't trust his voice right then, throat as sore as it was, so he nodded and sipped his wine again and Alphonse looked back to Elizabeth,
"I thought you hated tomatoes." He accused with an amused grin.
She had just sipped her own wine and she raised her eyebrows,
"I do, but your brother's cooking is just that amazing." She said with a smile.
Alphonse shook his head and Edward watched with a growing coldness as Alphonse touched his index finger to her nose and then frowned at his finger tip as though he were inspecting it,
"Is that some brown I see on your nose, Elizabeth?" he asked calmly.
Despite trying to keep her face serious she cracked up with giggles and grabbed his finger in her hand to pushed it away,
"Are you saying it isn't amazing?" she shot back and pursed her smiling lips.
Edward watched Alphonse – almost in a daze- as his younger brother seemed to remember himself, he wiggled his finger out of her hand and turned to look at Ed with a soft gaze that she couldn't see,
"Of course not, it is amazing, it always is…" he said in a sincere but quiet tone that made Edward sip his wine and look into his glass, "…but you were brown nosing." Al said rather flatly after that and then snickered.
Edward glanced at them to see Elizabeth was pinching his arm.
'Winry used to do that to me…' he thought with an unpleasant feeling of nostalgia.
In a way, seeing them together helped him to confirm that whether Alphonse was aware of it yet or not…the younger blonde liked Elizabeth. The way they behaved was flirtatious and while Alphonse probably wasn't thinking of it that way – although Edward didn't know that for sure- he would eventually realize what he could have with the attractive young woman who made him laugh.
'You've done nothing wrong, you suffered enough, you deserve someone as innocent and free of burden as you are. Someone who makes you laugh and you can laugh with just as freely…I don't make you laugh anymore. I haven't since we were kids.' It was the truth.
Alphonse never laughed just because of Edward making him want to, not since before their mother had died. They'd laughed together with people or about things they'd encountered on their journey, they'd laughed with Winry and Pinako, with their military acquaintances sometimes and even Ling many years ago. But…they never laughed when they were alone, not openly and happily, these days it was even hard to smile.
He finished his wine and had practically not touched his food but he couldn't sit there any longer.
He leaned his hands to the table edge and put his plate down along with his glass,
"I have work to do, I have a report due to Mustang in the morning…" he stood making his abrupt excuses and Alphonse's head snapped up to look at him very quickly while Elizabeth blinked and raised her eyebrows. Both of their mouths were full of their meals at that moment so he went on, "…I'll be working in my room. It was nice meeting you Elizabeth, I won't see you when you leave so good night." He said it as an indirect request not to be bothered and nodded to her, she swallowed her food quickly while moving to stand up, probably intending to shake hands.
He waved his hand for her to stay sitting,
"Don't get up." He said calmly.
She sat back down and glanced at Alphonse looking confused then back to him,
"It was nice meeting you too Edward, thank you for dinner. It's a pity you have to work." She smiled in a way that said she was sincerely sorry for him.
Alphonse said nothing, he'd looked back to his plate and hadn't looked up again or said a word, Edward wasn't surprised, he was probably pissed off,
"I'm used to it." He said honestly to her, "I guess I'll see you again sometime."
She nodded enthusiastically,
"Yes, hopefully."
Edward smiled at her, she was definitely an easy person to be around. He glanced at Alphonse in a way he supposed would seem fleeting to her since she was watching them but she didn't know and never would know just what was going on between them,
"Night, Al." he said in the way he always used to, as if they wouldn't see each other again for the night.
"Good night, brother." And he got cold chills when Alphonse did exactly the same thing.
With one last fake smile at Elizabeth he turned and left the lounge, grabbing his work bag from the entrance way before he walked to his bedroom and closed the door quietly behind him.
He heard the sounds of Alphonse and Elizabeth talking at the main door down the hall and then both voices stopped being audible when the main door closed, it had been an hour or so since he'd left them at dinner.
He finished the report for Mustang about ten minutes later.
He wasn't surprised that Alphonse had gone down with her, knowing Al as he did he assumed the younger blonde wouldn't leave her side until she was securely in a paid for cab.
"Such a gentleman, Al." Edward smiled to himself –even though he was still dealing with ulcer pains from his earlier hurt- as he folded the two page report over twice and slipped it into a crisp vanilla colored letter envelope.
He sealed it and wrote 'General Mustang' on the front.
Then he looked at his neat cursive handwriting on the pristine envelope…and decided it looked too much like a personal letter of some sort. With an annoying heat rising in his face Edward ripped the innocent envelope open, took the report out and squashed the envelope up quickly tossing it into his wastebasket.
That would have been a mistake worthy of some telephonic teasing from Mustang he didn't want to deal with, it was bad enough he'd written the damn report in the standard military format.
Old habits would die hard, he knew.
He shook his head,
"Fucking Mustang." He grouched quietly as the heat slowly left his face. He remembered his unintentional flirting and the way Mustang had laughed that afternoon, it was so creepy to hear such a sound from the older man and it made him feel self-conscious, especially since he knew Mustang was only flirting with him to annoy him since he'd found out Ed was bisexual.
He leaned over and pulled open his bottom drawer to flip through several leaflets and folds until he found a slightly used but not written on docket envelope.
He unfolded the report and slipped it into the formal A4 envelope while glaring at the rest of his letter envelopes on his desk as if his near mistake had been their fault. He leaned over again and slipped the large envelope into his bag next to the papers he'd finished of the construction incident that afternoon.
He sighed and stood up then, Alphonse hadn't come back yet and while it bothered Edward he knew he didn't have to worry about his younger brother's ability to take care of himself, or anyone with him for that matter.
He left his bedroom quietly and walking lazily down the hall where he spotted CookieBoots and picked him up. Edward petted him and scratched behind his ears, smiling as the kitten purred, he pushed Alphonse's bedroom door open with his foot and walked inside.
Minutes later he'd given CookieBoots fresh food and water and he made his way to the lounge, he peered in and saw all the stuff from dinner was still on the table…including the wine which was still just less than half a bottle from when he'd poured the wine earlier.
He walked in and picked up his glass –it was exactly where he'd left it- and then the wine bottle, he gave the table a look over. It was Alphonse's night for dishes, he remembered, so while he felt bad for not being generous enough to do it for him, he wasn't feeling particularly nice anyway, so he walked away from it.
Alphonse was somewhere with Elizabeth right then and even though Edward didn't want to think it, he knew they may very well be downstairs in the lobby making out. At that thought he poured wine into his glass as he left the lounge, filling it almost to the brim before taking a gulp.
Edward made his way back into his bedroom and kicked the door shut with his automail foot once he was inside, he walked to his desk again and placed the bottle down but kept the glass in his hand as he sat down. He pulled a book out from the box right next to his desk, it was one of the books he'd purchased in Creta about atmospheric alchemy.
Creta was by no means an alchemic power or even a country that had an abundance of scientists or alchemists, but they'd had a few over the decades and from their books stores and libraries Edward had acquired some interesting new knowledge to absorb…and some to correct.
So he started reading and continued drinking the wine…
…until he'd finished the little left in the bottle and was half way through the book, already finding many reasons why the theories of the alchemist who published that work were incorrect and had been unstable and unsuccessful.
While he could never again physically do alchemy himself, he had a safe in which he kept arrays, equations, designs and research he'd drawn up and accumulated in recent years, they'd never been tested but they were perfect…
'One day I'll give them to Alphonse…' he thought with a sad smile as he fiddled with the dog eared end of the page.
He sighed and then frowned when he heard dishes clanking, he focused on it and realized it was coming from down the hall, probably from the kitchen,
"I didn't even hear him get back." Edward muttered to himself as he glanced at the empty wine bottle.
He wasn't anywhere near drunk, it took a hell of a lot of alcohol to get him close to drunk and even when he did reach partial inebriation, it never lasted long. He'd always had a freakishly high metabolism…
But right then he felt well relaxed and warm, he was tired and he hadn't eaten anything all day so he was running on a few hours of sleep and approximately 12.4 percent alcohol.
It wasn't a bad thing to feel relaxed.
Edward listened to the dishes most likely being washed and slowly shifted to lay his head in his folded arms on the desk.
He didn't think he'd have fallen asleep but he knew he must've because when he felt warm hands on his shoulders and the back of his neck, rubbing in skillful arches and circles over his taut muscles, he had to pull himself from sleep with some effort, his eyelids felt heavy.
The hands on his shoulders continued to massage and Edward exhaled and groaned quietly, it felt good but it also hurt to have his tension rubbed out. Slowly he raised his head from his folded arms before he sat back in the wooden chair. The hands –Alphonse's hands- adjusted to the more accessible lining of his shoulders and started to massage more firmly and deliberately.
Edward leaned his head against Alphonse's midsection and then he tilted his head back and looked up at his younger brother, Alphonse smiled down at him,
"You shouldn't let your muscular tension get this bad…" he worked out a particularly firm knot as he said that and Edward grimaced and closed his eyes, lowering his head forward again,
"Thanks, Alphonse." he said in an exhale, keeping his eyes closed with head resting against his brother's firm abdomen, he let himself enjoy the massage.
He expected Alphonse to mention his departure from dinner as being rude but minutes passed and nothing was said and Edward realized that the younger blonde was going to let yet another thing slide.
'He deserves better…I don't do enough for him.' he thought and a frown crept on to his face amidst a lingering grimace from his slowly softening muscle tension.
Edward honestly knew he didn't do enough…and he knew what Alphonse wanted. When he didn't think about all of his own hang ups with the issue, it really was a simple thing to do...it wasn't even unpleasant.
Edward was still –always- trying to sort out his complicated feelings about and toward Alphonse, he didn't know if his uncertainty, fears and guilty conscience would ever let him move past it completely because it seemed to be getting worse. But he knew he had to force himself past it, he had to make the effort to be consistent in their new relationship…he needed to stop hurting Alphonse.
He exhaled slowly and silently willed his ever present conscience to be quiet…
He opened his eyes and swallowed, tasting the sweet wine on his tongue before he leaned forward and moved to stand up facing the younger blonde. Alphonse stepped back slightly when he stood and he looked over him,
"You should change and get into bed, you're tired and it's only just after ten…you'll get a good seven hours of sleep at least…that is, if you're finished with your work." He softly said with a shrug at the end.
Edward blinked slowly,
"I fell asleep because I was bored…" he sighed and also looked over Alphonse while running his hand over his ponytail.
The younger blonde was still dressed into his blue long sleeve cotton shirt and dark blue jeans, his hair looked a bit wind swept –Edward didn't want to think it was untidy for another reason- and Alphonse was smiling at him slightly. Ed was actually tired and sleep sounded great…but things between himself and Alphonse had been in-equivalent for well over a week and he had decided that morning that he needed to smooth things over and play his part.
He didn't think about Elizabeth and Al right then, he decided to treat their situation as if it hadn't changed, so until Alphonse told him otherwise, he would do his best to step up as a lover.
Deciding that he stepped closer to Alphonse and closed the small gap between them, his hand easily rested on Al's hip as he leaned in with practiced eased to kiss the younger blonde, licking his lips right before he pressed a wet kiss to Al's cool lips.
Alphonse seemed a little thrown by the movement, Edward supposed it was justified since his actions were sudden and unusual…it was usually Alphonse who initiated contact and Ed had done it twice in two days.
Edward felt wrong about…behaving this way with Alphonse, but he was tired of letting Alphonse do all the work, he was disappointed in himself for making his younger brother try so hard for what Ed had promised to give him.
Ed kissed Alphonse a few times – and the kisses were returned hesitantly- as his hand on the younger blonde's hip slipped under his shirt and caressed slowly upward along his smooth side until Edward was able to brush his hand over Alphonse's chest slowly.
The younger blonde made a sound that conveyed many things he was probably feeling, it was breathy and sort of like a questioning 'hm' sound. Edward responded by biting Al's bottom lip gently before kissing his warming lips.
Alphonse shivered so hard that Edward felt it under his hand and the younger blonde's breath hitched into his own mouth. Al's hands came up slowly and gripped Ed's shoulders lightly while the older blonde continued to caress Al's chest, and he kissed his younger brother's mouth slowly.
Alphonse trembled slightly and leaned in to him…wanting more…so Edward obliged.
…Edward forced his conscience away as he brought his other hand around Al's waist and downward, where he firmly pressed his hand to and groped Alphonse's rear. The hands on his shoulders squeezed tighter and Alphonse arched into him so their bodies were pressed together and they kissed slowly and deeply, their breathing slowly becoming louder and deeper.
Edward felt himself getting aroused quite quickly, his mind providing him images of what was to come since he was so sinfully familiar with Alphonse's naked perfection. He kissed Alphonse harder and groped him firmer which earned him a moan and arms wrapping around his neck.
As Al moaned into his mouth and made the first of his breathy pleasured noises that turned Edward on so much, Ed realized he was experiencing the familiar feeling of possessiveness already…just holding and kissing Alphonse.
And the feeling became stronger as Edward drew back from the lengthy kiss and saw his beautiful brother slowly open his eyes, his hair was still untidy for whatever reason, his lips pink and slightly wet and his cheeks faintly flush. Edward ached with arousal at the site but also still ached with hurt when thinking of how Alphonse had laughed and smiled with Elizabeth.
He knew then he was in a lot deeper than he should have ever been.
'I'm in love with you…' Edward would never say the words aloud, it'd be the same thing as acknowledging just how sick he was to fall in love with his younger brother…to want him…and yet still…Edward knew he would let Al go if that's what Alphonse wanted…because he loved him so much.
Right then though…Alphonse was in his arms trembling lightly and breathing deeply against his own lips, his green-gold eyes filled with apprehension and uncertainty that Edward didn't understand at first. But when he thought about it, he realized Alphonse was probably unsure of where this was heading.
With that thought Edward once again forced his disapproving conscience back and let himself treat Alphonse like a lover. He smirked playfully against Al's lips and he watched Alphonse's eyes lower to look at his lips as the younger blonde swallowed audibly… nervously.
Edward very slowly –after a final caress over Al's chest- slid his hand downward and turned it so that his knuckles grazed lightly over his younger brother's firm abdomen until he reached the waist of Alphonse's jeans. He let only his fingers slide beneath the hems of the jeans and the boxers.
He shifted his fingers and felt vaguely disturbed by how much it aroused him when his finger's skimmed over the skin of Al's lower stomach. He exhaled slowly and kissed Alphonse's lips as his arousal steadily raised his heartbeat.
"Alphonse…" he brought his other hand up and he held Alphonse's neck with it as he kissed him a few times roughly and wetly.
"Hm?" Alphonse managed the hesitant sound in between as he kissed back eagerly, still trembling and breathing heavily, his hands also holding Edward's neck as he pressed himself against Edward bodily.
"You wanna…" he kissed the younger blonde slowly before pausing, "…have sex?" and then he kissed Alphonse again. He'd said the last word low and suggestively and proceeded to fiddle with Al's belt, not really requiring an answer.
The younger blonde –unable to speak while being kissed- almost stumbled backwards when Edward took a step forward, intending to move them back towards the bed. Alphonse made a noise that almost sounded like disbelief before Edward gave him a moment to talk by kissing his lips only,
"Aah, yeah…yes…" Al said breathlessly and Edward quickly assaulted his mouth with another deep kiss.
They were almost to the bed and Alphonse was showing twice as much enthusiasm now that Edward had confirmed for him they would be together that night…
…that was until the younger blonde drew back from the kiss quickly and his hands grasped Ed's shoulders firmly to stop him. Al stopped walking backwards making Edward stop too and he saw that Alphonse was staring at something past his shoulder.
He frowned at Alphonse's tense and almost disappointed expression,
"What's wrong…?" even to his own ears he sounded husky, his voice thick with his sexual arousal.
He would probably cry about his behavior later when it was over but right then he didn't want to let his conscience take over. To distract himself from just that he caressed the skin beneath Alphonse's shirt slowly with both hands, feeling the warm skin break out into tiny sensitive flesh bumps as he did so.
"Edward…" Alphonse said softly and looked into Ed's face again, "…you were drinking after I left?"
Edward blinked slowly at the random question and nodded slightly,
"Yeah…" he answered quietly, not seeing a reason to deny it and his hands still caressed Al's skin as he leaned forward and bit Al's bottom lip with his teeth. Alphonse pursed his lips before Ed could suck the tender bite,
"How much…are you drunk?" Alphonse swallowed slowly and frowned.
Edward shook his head and tried not to frown at the quiet accusing tone of Al's voice,
"No…I'm not drunk." He blinked slowly, "Maybe just a little uh…very slightly tipsy." He said honestly and softly since he did feel extremely warm, calm and relaxed…and sleepy.
Alphonse's frown left his face and he sighed sadly. Edward frowned in confusion when the younger blonde stepped back from him slowly and he started to redo his zipper, button and belt buckle that Ed had been single handedly getting off,
"Al, wha-…" Edward started, sincerely confused but Al cut him off shaking his head as his buckle clinked,
"The last time you acted this bold with me was New Year's night when you'd been drinking. You came on to me in the lounge that night just like now, teasing and touching me and acting just as…well the way you're acting now," he sounded somewhat bitter, "smiling and talking to me like that." Al sighed shakily and shook his head again.
Edward didn't actually remember every detail about that night since he'd had quite a bit more alcohol in his system that night than right then, he just knew he'd discovered he could get it up for Alphonse and had acted on it, beyond that the details were vague.
If he tried hard enough he knew he could probably remember it…but he didn't really want to, that entire night hadn't been great for him.
"You…don't like it?" Edward felt strangely aggravated as he started to question and doubt his bold advances, he'd thought this was how Al wanted it, he clenched his jaw and averted his gaze as he stepped back slightly from Alphonse.
"Oh no, I like it very much…" Al said softly and sincerely, Ed looked at him with a frown but his irritation wilted at the deeply sad look Al was giving him, "…but I'd like it to be you completely sober coming on to me like that, not being spurred on by a lack of sleep, anger and substance induce lowered inhibitions."
Edward ran his hand over his mouth as he narrowed his eyes at Al in confusion, he placed is other hand on his hip,
"Anger?" he asked quietly.
Alphonse regarded him with the lingering sadness in his eyes,
"I've been watching you all my life, I may not be very good at determining your less expressed emotions…but I know all the faces and physical tells of your anger far too well." He said surely.
"I'm not angry." Ed shook his head, voice strained, his growing ulcer burning as his anxiousness built and he realized that he did in fact feel angry on some level.
Alphonse sighed dismissively,
"Will you at least sleep in the bed with me tonight?" he ran a hand through his short hair.
At those words Edward definitely felt angry, if he hadn't been completely aware of it before he certainly was now.
Sure he was irritated by the sheer thought of Elizabeth and the general shit party that was his life…but he hadn't felt so angry until right then…he'd just been hurt.
"At least?" Ed asked gruffly, "You say that like I didn't just ask you to have-…" he didn't finish his sentence and instead inhaled deeply, clenched his eyes and jaw and looked away from Alphonse. He knew anything he had to say would make it worse, he always said the wrong thing. When he looked back to Alphonse, the younger blonde looked like he was about to cry and once again it was all Ed's fault,
"I want to Edward, I really do…but…rather when you haven't been drinking." Al's tone was quiet but in some small way, bitter.
"What fucking difference does half a bottle of wine make!?" Ed snapped at his younger brother.
"It makes you do things you wouldn't do, especially since you're tired and you didn't eat anything…you're not doing this soberly." Alphonse said quietly instead of yelling back, apparently he was not in the mood to argue.
This wasn't the first time Alphonse had turned down sex, it was a rare occurrence though and had only happened twice before, once when Al had been feeling flu-ish and another when he'd been upset because Edward hadn't wanted to do it on the couch. Both times hadn't really bothered Edward at all aside from feeling sort of bad for Alphonse but right then he was very annoyed with it.
He watched the younger blonde with narrowed eyes as Al turned around and moved toward the bed.
Because despite still feeling sick, hurt and confused by everything that had happened in the past two days he'd shoved his unsettled feelings and his guilty conscience aside to do what he'd promised Alphonse… and now he was being rebuffed just because he'd been drinking minimally and it made him a little bolder.
It pissed him off and his anger –as it always did- made him want to act like a right bastard, which he honestly was and most people who knew him well knew that about him, Alphonse certainly knew it even though it was never directed at him. But right then the nastier side of Edward wanted to remind Alphonse that he wasn't even supposed to be fucking his younger brother in the first fucking place, let alone be following rules of how to go about doing so!
Instead of saying that, thinking he could keep his bubbling rage in check, he said,
"You didn't have a problem with it the last time…" Edward said lowly, he didn't remember being pushed off on New Year's when he'd 'come on' to Alphonse, in fact now that he thought about it, he remembered the younger blonde had wanted to have sex right then and there.
He heard Al sigh before the he finished pulling the sheets back and turned around to face Ed. The exasperated sound of that sigh mixed badly with Ed's anger and before he could stop himself his ire spilled into very ugly territory, "…or the time before that, when it fucking suited you." He said gruffly and then turned away from his younger brother sharply…
…immediately he was filled with painful regret at his hurtful words and he swore at himself violently in his mind as he stared at the tiles.
"The time before that…?" Alphonse asked quietly, confusion tainting his voice.
Edward closed his eyes tightly and worked his jaw for a moment as he crossed his arms over his chest, his back was facing Alphonse so the younger blonde couldn't see his guilt face,
'Why the fuck would I say that to him, why would I bring that up…what the hell is wrong with me?' he shook his head, wishing he had more control over his temper. He could only hope that Alphonse wouldn't understand the vague reference to their first time drug induced sex,
"Forget I said anyth-…"
"Oh." Was all Alphonse said next, a note of quiet realization in his tone.
Edward frowned and tears quickly working their way to his eyes…of course Alphonse wasn't stupid, Edward should have expected the younger blonde would catch on to what he'd been referring to.
"O-oh..." Alphonse said again, the breath that followed the stunned stutter was shaken to the core.
Edward opened his wet eyes and forced himself to turn around,
"Al I…" he inhaled quickly at the wide eyed look Alphonse was giving him, tears already slipping down his cheeks freely and his face was pale, "…Alphonse, please, I'm sorry…I don't know why I said that…please forget it, I'm sorry…" he stepped toward Alphonse but the younger took an unsteady step back while shaking his head slowly and he closed his eyes.
Another step back and Alphonse bumped into the bed and he half fell, half sat down on the edge, his hands clutching the sheet and mattress tightly either side of him as he cried freely. His shoulders started to shake with strained sobs for what Edward just knew was guilt, a feeling he'd lived with all his life but one that Alphonse wasn't used to.
Edward was crying now too, almost absently as he watched his brother shake so badly that his voice broke from his choked out sobs. Al's whole body was shaking in a way it hadn't in months…it was caused by the sort of repressed pain that never really went away, another feeling Edward was familiar with.
'I made him cry.' Edward admitted to himself, he was disgraced by his own spiteful words.
Alphonse slowly put his elbows on his knees and he placed his head in his hands shaking miserably…
…and slowly the silence was consumed by his heart wrenching sobs.
Edward's regret for his words grew physically painful at the sound and he felt like he couldn't breathe properly,
"I'm s-sor-ry A-al-f-phonse…" he started shaking as well.
He stepped closer and lowered himself to the floor just in front of Alphonse.
On his knees he breathed another pathetic apology and then he closed his trembling lips and started crying without restraint.
"I'm…sorry…Al…phonse…" he choked out again as he punched the tile beside him forcefully and cracked it. A dull throb of pain shot into his hand but he didn't pay attention to it, he just remained on his knees and made no move to touch his trembling brother.
He continued to apologize quietly…but for intentionally hurting Alphonse, he knew he didn't deserve to be forgiven.
It was about fifteen painful minutes later when Alphonse's sobs finally died out completely, he was obviously spent by that point. Edward was kneeling back on his legs just in front of him still, his legs were numb from the position and he had his head hung as he stared at Alphonse's white socked feet.
Edward had stopped crying a while before, the skin over his knuckles had broken slightly and was raw but he barely felt it…the pain he was dealing with right then was the guilt and disgrace he still felt for what he'd said and caused. He wouldn't leave Alphonse's side though, not for a second and not unless he was told to. He heard another sniff from the younger blonde and he blinked slowly, his slightly puffy eyes burned since he hadn't blinked for a while.
"Edward…" Alphonse's voice was a soft croak.
Ed snapped his head up and he felt tears burn at his eyes the minute he laid eyes on Alphonse's puffy eyes and the blotchy redness of his face,
"Yeah?" he croaked back, wanting to comfort Al but not daring to touch him.
He watched as Alphonse shakily wiped the wetness from his face with his long sleeves,
"I'm s-so s-sorry…" his voice trembled.
Edward eyebrows drew together and upwards and he clenched his fists, he was worried he'd only make things worse so he didn't just blurt anything out,
"F-for what, Alphonse you didn-…"
"I'm sorry for w-what I did to you, I'm sorry I m-manipu-lated you into th-is…"
"…Alphonse stop it, please. Don't…" Edward spoke over Al's broken breathy words and stopped himself short of grabbing one of the younger blonde's hands.
Hearing his younger brother admit to manipulating him was a little more painful than he'd thought it'd be, since he'd known it all along but hadn't had it confirmed…it cut him quite deeply.
"Y-you love me, all you've ever done is love me…" the younger blonde went on and his throat was tensing with the effort he made to get his words out as his sobs choked his speech, "…I'm so f-fuck-ing selfish…and by being selfish I've made you as sick as, as I am-…" he placed his face in his hands again and clenched his teeth as more tears fell.
"Stop it, please, Alphonse." Edward reached out and finally gripped one of Alphonse's forearms lightly.
It was all he could say to Alphonse's confession…since the pained words the younger blonde spoke were true. So true and so honest. Edward didn't want to hear any more of it though…it was tearing him apart to listen to.
Alphonse slowly removed his face from his hands and looked at Edward when he touched his arm and Ed slid his hand up so he was holding his wrist gently. Alphonse looked at his hand and then he slowly moved his own hands from his tear streaked face.
Edward blinked a few relieved tears from his eyes as Alphonse slowly took his hand into his own two and rubbed gentle circles over the back of his hand with his thumbs, sniffing and staring at their hands.
Ed licked his tear salty lips as he stared up at Alphonse,
"I shouldn't have said that…" he breathed, "…I'm sorry."
Al shook his head slightly and squeezed his hand,
"It doesn't matter what you said, that's not the issue. The problem is that we're brothers, Edward." He said in a soft but bitter tone.
Edward hated hearing those words, he'd never thought of their brotherhood as a problem but as he'd suspected, Alphonse had negative feelings toward it.
'He called me brother in his sleep…but consciously…he thinks of it as a problem because…' Ed swallowed sorely, '…because it is a problem for me and makes it hard for me to be with him.'
He blinked out of his thoughts when Alphonse gently released his hand,
"I'm tired, I'm going to bed." He said flatly.
Edward nodded numbly, not having anything to say that would make a difference, so he got to his feet slowly and painfully…his right leg and left thigh were cold and sore from the lack of proper circulation and his right knee and ankle felt stiff.
He ran his hands over his face and when he looked at Alphonse he saw the young blonde laying down on their shared bed in his spot near the wall, Edward frowned lightly and turned around.
In a few –pins and needled – steps he'd switched the bedroom light off and after another few he was back at the bed where he lay down in his own place…
Edward hadn't remembered to set his alarm clock before he'd passed out in bed…
…so after waking up in a sandy eyed, head aching daze at 7.14, taking a quick shower, grooming himself hastily, dressing and skipping breakfast –missing yet another meal- he was leaving the apartment at a quarter to 8.
Alphonse had yet to get out of bed by the time he was ready to leave and Edward didn't want to wake him if he were asleep…also, he didn't want to face him in case Alphonse was still angry or upset.
Edward didn't feel like he had the strength that morning to deal with yelling or crying.
"Shit…" he grouched irritably as he rushed down the stairs to the lobby while putting his bag strap on his shoulder, "I'll have to call Must-…" he trailed off his grumbling as he stopped near the bottom of the final flight of stairs. He frowned at the sight of a familiar tall blonde man in military uniform standing in the lobby.
"Hey Boss…" Havoc spotted him then from where he stood at reception and waved lazily, then he smiled brightly and said something to the woman at reception before turning and walking in Ed's direction.
Edward glanced down so he didn't miss a step and when he reached the bottom Havoc walked up to him,
"Went to the site but you weren't there so I figured you probably over slept…" Havoc grinned and slipped his hands into his pants pockets.
Edward narrowed his eyes as he adjusted his bag,
"You figured that?"
Havoc grinned and nodded,
"Yeah, you know some things never change. I had to pick you up from the military barracks a lot when you over slept after missions back in the day, Ed." He chuckled but Ed could tell the older man was taking in his hurriedly dressed and tired appearance.
"Except back then I did it intentionally to piss Mustang off…" Edward started walking again and ran a hand over his ponytail, "…this time I forgot to set my alarm."
"Rough night, Boss?" Havoc fell into step with him.
"I'm not your military superior anymore Havoc, you should stop calling me that." Edward glanced at the older man as they crossed the lobby walking toward the exit.
"I never got used to calling you Edward since you took off right after you resigned." He shrugged.
Edward was glad he'd managed to change the subject so easily and avoided the question about the previous night. Once they stepped outside Havoc lit up a cigarette immediately, Edward stopped on the stairs outside the building entrance half way down. He opened his bag and pulled out the documents and envelope for Mustang as Havoc stopped beside him,
"This is what you were supposed to pick up." He handed the documents to Havoc, who left his cigarette in his mouth and took the papers with a frown as the smoke rose upward into his eyes,
"Yeah?" he spoke around the cigarette, "The chief said I had to pick you up."
Edward's eye twitched and he closed his bag,
"Hell fucking no, I'm not in the mood to deal with Mustang…I never am actually." He exaggerated his dislike for Mustang as he usually did.
Havoc smirked,
"Just like old times…except now I can't tell you it's an order from him, cause he ain't your C.O anymore." He raised his eyebrows and took the cigarette from his mouth with his free hand, exhaling his smoke thoughtfully as he glanced at the papers and envelope he held.
"Damn right, tell him to call me only when he's sorted out the papers for the construction delay." Edward said stiffly, "Later Havoc." He added with a lazy wave over his shoulder as he walked the rest of the way down the stairs.
He was just about to get caught up in his personal thoughts when he felt a hand on his shoulder, he clenched his teeth and his fists in his jeans pockets when he stopped walking and looked at Havoc,
"Hey Ed, lemme at least give you ride to work…since I'm here anyway."
Edward rolled his eyes and glared mildly at the taller man,
"Why is it that everyone in that bastard's office will do anything to avoid being at work." He said knowingly.
Havoc grinned,
"We learned from the best, the chief himself, and besides you weren't exactly different when you worked with us." He pointed out and gestured with a thumb to the military car parked across the street.
Edward wasn't about to turn down a free lift so he nodded and crossed the street with Havoc,
"I was a field alchemist, paper work wasn't part of my duties…as far as I was concerned." He smirked, since paper work had in fact been part of his work load.
Havoc chuckled as he puffed on his cigarette,
"Face it Ed, we're all the same, the General's just the worst of us." He opened the driver's side door and got in.
Ed walked to the passenger side and got in as well.
He didn't respond to Havoc's statement and there was no talking for a while as they drove, he ran his fingers through his slowly drying bangs and then ran his hand over the length of his ponytail out of habit. His stomach was hurting consistently and badly, he hadn't eaten in about 24 hours on top of the lingering anxiety he'd experienced from the night before and the stress was steadily making his ulcer act up.
"So, how's Alphonse?" Havoc was lighting another cigarette while they were stopped at a red light.
Edward glanced at him and took a quiet breath when he thought of how he'd once again left the apartment as quietly as possible so he didn't wake Alphonse up…
…after the night before, waking up bone weary and emotionally exhausted he hadn't been in a good enough mental state to face Alphonse who would be feeling much the same…and possibly worse.
"He's fine." Edward lied flatly and scratched his cheek absently before placing his hand over his mouth and leaving it there, staring out of the window as they pulled off from the red light.
"And you?"
Edward turned to look at Havoc who glanced at him evenly,
"I'm fine…" he said abruptly and then realized the question had been asked out of politeness, "…uh, what about you?" he asked back somewhat awkwardly, he wasn't used to asking things like that and it sounded odd coming out of his mouth.
Havoc thought so too because his eyebrows rose in surprise,
"Me, yeah, I'm good…uh, thanks." He smiled awkwardly.
Edward nodded just as awkwardly and they sat in a strange confusing silence for a while until they were near the site and Havoc spoke again,
"Hey Boss, uh Ed…" he tossed his cigarette butt out of the window carelessly and exhaled the last of the smoke.
"Hm?" Edward didn't look at him.
"You ever think of coming back to the military?"
Edward turned his head slowly to glare at Havoc and the man leaned away from him slightly, glancing nervously between him and the road ahead as he laughed skittishly,
"I'm just asking…no need to look at me like that." He grinned warily.
Ed shook his head,
"Tell Mustang I said nice try but the answer is still 'no'…and tell him he's a bastard."
Havoc nodded quickly,
"Will do." He smiled, obviously amused, "But not the last part, he's still my superior." He tapped his fingers on the steering.
Edward just ignored him and placed his hand over his stomach as it ached and burned, they turned a corner and slowly Havoc pulled up along the curb near the construction site entrance gates.
"Thanks." Ed grunted once they came to a complete stop and he opened the passenger door and got out,
"No problem, see ya Ed. Oh and if you don't uh, mind, I'm gonna tell the chief I insisted you come to HQ." he smirked around the cigarette he was currently lighting.
Edward glanced at him,
"Yeah sure, tell him I threatened to break a limb of yours or something if you didn't shut up…he'll believe that." he managed a smirk at the older man right before he shut the car door and turned. He gave a final wave over his shoulder as he crossed the street and walked into the construction site, not looking back when he heard a honk of the car horn and the sound of Havoc driving away.
With a heavy sigh Edward walked across the sandy grounds, he knew all too well he wouldn't get through this day without yelling at someone…
…since he was unable to stop thinking of Alphonse and what had happened between them the night before. Because he knew without a doubt…that something had changed.
Edward left work an hour early that afternoon, he hadn't been in the mood to hang around the construction site especially since the work load had been delayed over almost half of the project area and there were more excess people loitering than people doing work.
He had been feeling physically better since he'd eaten a big lunch from the delicatessen down the street so his ulcer was no longer eating away at his stomach lining. But then Mustang had called him to complain about Edward not visiting him, paperwork and Hawkeye's slave driving ways…while effortlessly slipping in some superficial flirting and a comment that Ed was still trying to determine whether or not had been a short joke.
He'd only been mildly irritable with Mustang's good mood though…it was when the older man had brought up the fact that Edward had a 'date' that night that he'd paled just slightly and felt physically ill all over again.
Edward had remained uneasy for the rest of the call and had grimaced when Mustang ended their conversation with an almost too pleasant 'Remember to tell her you still respect her after you sleep with her' before he hung up…as he usually did after saying something annoying.
Edward would love to have strangled Mustang for how furious he was at that comment, not so much because of the comment itself but because being reminded of his 'date' made him feel ridiculously ill and guilty.
That's when he'd had the strong urge to go home and see if Alphonse –at the very least- did not hate him…
His paranoia escalated quickly and he had started to worry about his younger brother leaving his selfish, wretched, thoughtless excuse for an existence by moving out or something which had prompted him to leave work early.
He strode through the apartment building doors, not bothering to smile at anyone he passed because he never did. He focused across the lobby at the stairs as he approached and raised his eyebrows when he saw Alphonse just starting to walk up the stairs.
He quickened his pace,
"Hey, Al." he called out, making a few people look his way but he didn't acknowledge them.
Alphonse paused with his feet on different stairs and turned half way round to look back at him…Al didn't smile.
Edward was smiling, if only just, and he continued to do so once he reached the stairs and skipped two to be level with Alphonse,
"Hey." He said again as they slowly started to ascend together.
Alphonse was in step with him,
"Hey…you're home early." He said softly and didn't look at Edward.
The older blonde felt a twinge of pain in his chest as he turned his eyes away from Al's stoic side profile and he watched the stairs as they climbed,
"Yeah…" 'I wanted to make sure you weren't going to leave me, I need to know if you're okay, if we're okay.' He thought but didn't say since there were people descending the stairs as they climbed.
Alphonse glanced at him and after another flight of steps in silence they both turned to walk down the corridor to their apartment. Edward took his keys out first when they reached the door, he unlocked it and opened it, pushing it inwards before he stepped aside and gestured with his head for Alphonse to go in first.
Al did so, just barely sparing him a glance and Ed followed in right after and shut the door softly. When he turned again Alphonse had placed his bag down and was slipping his shoes off, his facial expression carefully patient.
As if he were trying to…tolerate Edward's presence.
"S-so Al, how was campus today?" Ed tried to breach the invisible tension between them as he placed his bag down…noticing when he stepped closer to the younger blonde during that action Al subtly shifted away.
"I didn't go to campus, I wasn't feeling up to it." He answered flatly.
Edward crouched down to unlace his boots, he looked up to say something only to see Alphonse turn and disappear into the hall, he frowned and swallowed sorely at the lump easily forming in his throat.
He finishing taking off his boots and he placed them beside Alphonse's shoes before he walked down the hall, he stopped outside the closed bathroom door since he'd heard it close and knew the younger blonde was in there. The cold shoulder Alphonse was giving him was scaring him…
He leaned against the wall for a minute while he listened to the toilet flushing and the taps running for a short while before the door opened and Alphonse stepped out. Al glanced at Edward and started to walk past, Ed was about to say something when Al stopped on his own and turned to face him,
"What is it?" he asked in a tone Edward felt was rude.
Ed didn't show how the tone had hurt him as he folded his arms across his chest, trying to keep the misery he was feeling at Al's treatment toward him off his face,
"Are you okay? What did you do today?" he asked quietly and unobtrusively.
Alphonse sighed softly, still seemingly being patient,
"Yes I'm fine, I went to the library, I wanted some time alone." He said in an annoyed tone.
It cut Edward deeply to be spoken to in that tone, so much so that it felt like something was clawing inside his throat as his emotions raged unseen.
He tried to force his face to remain inexpressive but he couldn't help frowning sadly,
"Okay. I hope…you uh, feel better now." He said quietly as the clawing feeling made him clench his hand since it moved to his chest.
"Thanks." Alphonse turned and walked down the hall…into his own bedroom and he closed the door.
Edward heard the click as it shut and the finality of it tugged at his insides painfully, his expression turned to one of deep hurt now that he was alone. The way Alphonse was acting was different than his usual moody attitude, he was being cold…his eyes were even cold…
The apartment felt cold…and so quiet all over again.
Edward raised his lightly shaking hand from where it was tucked in against his chest and he roughly rubbed it over his mouth as he clenched his jaw and closed his eyes, the onslaught of pain and emotions were slowly going to break him down again, he could feel it.
He had nothing to distract himself with.
He didn't know what this new treatment from Al meant, he didn't know how what he'd said had affected Alphonse either and he didn't know if the younger blonde felt differently toward him after the previous night…he just didn't know what to do.
'Maybe I should just wait…eventually he'll say something, or do something, maybe he just needs some space.' Ed nodded to himself stiffly, not really believing that 'space' would make anything better but not knowing where else to start.
He'd wanted to push Alphonse away –a while back- as a lover but never as brother. But now he was worried because he'd fucked up again and he feared he might have ruined both relationships…because whether he wanted to admit it or not, they went hand in hand.
He felt very queasy right then and he licked his dry lips,
"Space, I'll give him space…he obviously wants to be alone." He mumbled in a strained voice into his hand. If it was what Alphonse wanted, Edward would do his best to give it to him.
Edward was sitting at his bedroom desk staring at the large array he'd just drawn out on a blank sheet of drafting paper. After Alphonse had closed himself into his bedroom Edward went into his own and had continued reading the book he hadn't completed the night before.
He'd spent the first hour or so correcting some of the chemical and structural errors of the researcher's work and ended up with two pages full of coded mathematical and chemical equations that he'd have to lock away with his other work. He'd thought about leaving it at that but then he'd decided to work on an array for one of the ideas he'd had while reading the book.
He was looking at the array three hours later.
It was an array to transmute lightening by rapidly cooling the immediate air to below freezing point and using the human body's electrical energy to charge the cooled air and create an electrical field from the colliding iced air particles… until electricity would be produced and ably manipulated by the alchemist's will and ability.
It would depend on the size of the array and the skill of the alchemist just how dangerous such a transmutation would be but the array itself was a bad idea because it could really only be used as a weapon.
He wondered only briefly why he'd thought up such an idea…
"Maybe I'm finally losing it…" he muttered as his pen clattered to the desk and he ran his hands over his face with a sigh.
Being dangerous didn't make it any less beautiful…the lines were flawless, the structural foundation seamless…the equation sound and the runes and text immaculate. He didn't smile as he stared at his work because he knew he shouldn't have drawn out such an array and he knew now he'd have to burn it.
The idea made him feel so totally and completely miserable. He couldn't even test it first…
He had no more alchemy…and now he was sure he was losing the person he'd given it up for.
Soon…he truly feared…he'd have nothing left and unlike his alchemy, losing Alphonse –again- would kill him. Literally or figuratively, he didn't know.
Edward held his breath and stood up slowly, he leaned on the desk and stared down at the array paper that took up almost the entire space of his medium sized desk. He'd cleared the space by moving all the books and papers to the floor beside the desk and chair…he'd been so caught up he'd hardly realized he'd done it until right then.
He let out his breath and traced his fingers over the symbols inked into the fine paper…
As a slight desperation and yearning filled him, he raised his shaking hands in front of his chest and with a quick breath and the clarity of immeasurable knowledge flowing through him he focused his mind within a second on a basic harmless array and he clapped his hands together sharply…
…but the high pitched sound that usually signified the alchemical circle in his mind had formed within himself and was ready to be used…did not ring out and…he felt absolutely nothing.
Neither the heat nor the rush of power and light in his veins and most importantly, not the feeling of lifting off the ground and being boundless and limitless for a few moments…none of it was present.
And he was just a fool…clinging to the past.
He lowered his still shaking hands and quickly rolled the large paper up until the array was hidden inside before he picked up the equation papers as well and walked to his wardrobe. He pulled the end door open and knelt down, placing the papers down to reach in and unlock the safe at the bottom of the wardrobe.
It was a standard safe that any decent alchemist could get inside of if they wanted to.
But it didn't matter because everything in it was heavily encoded and also wouldn't necessarily make sense to anyone who didn't possess the Gate's extensive knowledge. All of his work was all for Alphonse, when Edward was ready to tell the truth about his alchemy, he'd hand over his research and finally be able to watch his work come to life by the hands of his brother.
When he was ready.
He turned the dial for at least a minute as he entered the combination which was very long and very complicated. He tried not to think of how he was kneeling on the floor as he had been the night before…after he'd made some very bold sexual advances on Alphonse and been turned away because the younger blonde assumed he'd been intoxicated.
Edward didn't think about how Alphonse would feel if he found out Ed's actions had been completely uninfluenced by alcohol and worse were encouraged by his own sexual frustration and desire.
Because he was never going to tell him so…just like he'd never tell Alphonse what had happened on the couch.
He opened the safe and slipped the papers inside and then he considered the rolled up array for a moment.
'I'll burn it some other time…' he sighed and grimaced as he flattened the paper roll and folded it twice in order for it to fit in the safe.
The safe held other array's, which unlike the one he'd just done, were harmless. Drawing up arrays was just one of his few things he could do that helped him to unwind. It was a way for him to break away from…reality.
It was either that, alcohol or fighting.
And Edward had never been much of an alcohol enthusiast, he had his likes and dislikes when it came to certain alcohol but he didn't drink often and when he did he hardly ever overindulged. Though in recent months he'd been tempted especially since life was peaceful for him now… so fights just didn't present themselves as easily as they used to.
He raised his right fist that he'd punched the tile with the night before, the broken skin hadn't even bled. He smiled slightly, it meant his knuckles hadn't gotten too soft and he made a mental note to do knuckle push-ups on a more regular basis while flexing his fingers.
Hitting stuff had always made him feel better, he glanced back to the tiles by the bed and saw that the tile was still cracked.
He sighed quietly, dismissing it as he closed the safe again, he remained kneeling for a moment as he thought of what to do next that would keep him out of Alphonse's way…and then he remembered he had somewhere to go.
He glanced at his bedside clock and saw that it was nearing 9 pm.
He got up slowly and started looking through his wardrobe, Edward didn't give much thought to what he pulled out as long as it was black and after finding some clothes – a fitting jeans and a tight crew neck cotton short sleeved shirt- he removed his work clothes and changed.
His hair just needed a quick brush through before he tied it back up into a ponytail and he looked himself over in the mirror very listlessly, deeming himself looking decent enough to go to a bar…
'Music café…' he corrected himself with a grimace.
He brushed his bangs back from his face as he glanced at his bedside table for his wallet and keys he'd placed there before he'd started on his alchemy work earlier.
He picked up his effects and then left his room, closing the door quietly behind himself before proceeding down the hall. Alphonse's door was still closed and he didn't remember hearing anything –not that he would have noticed- earlier when he'd been working so he assumed he was still being avoided.
He walked to the entrance area and opened the closet door, he spotted a pair of his hardly used mid-calf black tanker boots and reached in for them. Edward pulled them on –not intending to buckle them up- and had just crouched down to tuck his jeans in properly when out of his peripheral he saw movement.
He half expected it to be CookieBoots so he barely glanced to his side but he did a double take when he saw it was Alphonse's feet and legs he'd glanced at. He looked up quickly as his heart beat slightly faster for some unknown reason and he stood up slowly.
With the thick soles of his boots and Alphonse's lack of shoes…for a moment he was a subtle bit taller than the younger blonde and whereas at one time it would have filled him with evil glee, right then he just blinked away the thought.
'I'm not short anymore…' he reminded himself irritably and gazed at Alphonse's slightly frowning face,
"…uh, were you asleep?" he asked even though the younger blonde didn't look even slightly sleep mussed.
"No, I was reading…" he answered and Ed watched as his green-gold eyes trailed downward over the length of him before they rose to meet his eyes again and Alphonse was frowning a little more, "…you're going out somewhere?" he asked in the same cold tone as earlier, just quieter.
Edward felt the guilt start to flicker to life in the pit of his stomach as he nodded slightly,
"Uh, yeah…I'm meeting…uh, some people." He was instantly disgusted with himself for hiding something from Al.
For a brief moment Alphonse actually looked confused,
"From the military?" he asked as he once again –only faster- gave Ed a once over.
Edward shook his head,
"No, some other people." He watched Alphonse blink a few times, as if his eyes were stinging,
"Friends?" he asked as he shifted on his feet and folded his arms in a sort of hug around his mid-section.
"…yeah." Edward lied very softly.
They stood for a full minute in silence and Edward's stomach twisted with guilt because he assumed – but hoped he was wrong- that Alphonse was expecting him to ask him if he wanted to come along. And Edward would have…if it wasn't for Kimberly being the person he was going to see.
He wasn't even doing anything wrong, it was just that the girl was not someone Alphonse looked upon fondly or even with respect and he didn't dare think his brother had forgotten the cheeky waitress, he wouldn't take that chance.
Edward finally couldn't take it anymore so he made the next best offer,
"If you don't want me to-…"
"No, you go out with your friends. You don't need my permission." Alphonse said in a vague reference to what Ed had said to him the previous afternoon about Elizabeth, except with some ice in his tone.
Edward nodded uncertainly and after a very quick but confused inner debate he decided he should kiss Alphonse goodbye, so he leaned forward as he would any other time…
…and Alphonse very slightly turned his head to the side and leaned away from him…
Edward's heart stopped sorely for a second and he swallowed slowly as his lightly puckered lips met nothing. Alphonse stepped back to put just a little more distance between them as Edward leaned back again,
"I'll probably be asleep when you get back…" Alphonse sounded like the action had hurt him just as badly and Edward kept his eye on the floor tiles, unable to look at the younger blonde after the blatant rejection, "…good night Edward, I love you." Al said softly and turned to walk back into the hall.
The 'I love you' sounded the same as usual, heavily inundated with emotions that were far from brotherly but the rest of the words were impassive. Edward raised his eyes only once he heard Alphonse close himself into his bedroom again and he clenched his jaw.
'That's twice now he's turned me away…maybe…' Edward thought it may well be what he'd originally feared when he'd seen his brother standing so comfortably close to Elizabeth in the kitchen, '…maybe he's realizing what's better for him, maybe Alphonse doesn't want this sickness anymore.'
He smiled…bitterly, and turned to the door to leave the apartment.
There was a very dark irony that was consistent in Edward Elric's life…and that irony was that in order to find happiness for Alphonse and himself, he had to suffer the consequential pain and misery that came with whatever choices he made…
It was the same as it had been with the human transmutation, he'd wanted to bring their mother back to make them happy and whole again. But he'd fucked it up and spent the next many years of his life suffering any pain and every horror in order to make it right again and restore Alphonse.
Then he'd succeeded and brought his brother back whole and perfect…and in turn he had to live with the pain and gaping loss that had been alchemy in his blood. But it had been worth it in order to live and be happy with Alphonse alive and able to breathe and touch and taste…
Then that had somehow turned into something wrong –and he blamed himself for it regardless of whether he knew how it'd happened- and he'd made another bad choice. He'd decided to give Alphonse what he wanted and allowed his younger brother too closely, too intimately to experience those physical senses with him…sexually and emotionally…just to make him happy…
…which is all that really made Edward happy. Or so he'd thought.
It wasn't that simple…and so now he suffered the painful irony of his reality once again…in which he'd become attracted too and fallen in love with his own brother…who no longer seemed to want to be with him.
He exhaled shortly and derisively into his first empty glass of the night as he sat at a table in the dark, smoky music café, alone. He hadn't bothered to look for the girl he was there to meet, instead he sat at an empty small table in a corner and had ordered a chilled bottle of Vodka. His request had earned him a very unsure look from the waitress sort of person but she had never the less brought a full bottle with a glass.
She'd asked if he wanted anything to mix with the spirit while frowning as though he was crazy when he poured a half full glass of the clear liquid and took a gulp of it, he'd shaken his head and then paid her for the bottle and waved her away rudely.
He had no interest in anything at the moment except sitting and brooding, he didn't even care that the open stage hosted random and ill talented musicians who played awfully, or that the place was half empty…
He poured himself another slightly more full glass and took a drink from it, the liquid burned pleasantly and warmed his throat as it usually did but he'd had better Vodka. He raised his eyebrows in a facial shrug at the thought and took another swill.
Edward placed the glass down and drummed his fingers against it as he observed the condensation on the chilled bottle of Vodka, his eyes unseeingly traced blue and black label while he thought over again of what he'd said to Alphonse the night before.
He'd been angry…Alphonse was right. Edward hadn't even realized he'd been angry and jealous of the pretty face and infectious personality of Elizabeth…and the smile she inspired in his beloved brother.
Al had seen the anger in him…
Edward couldn't believe how angry he'd been once he'd realized it, more than enough to bring up the Sildenafil that Alphonse had…emotionally manipulated…him into taking. He'd had an ugly reaction and he'd like to be able to justify himself by thinking he'd said it with intent to make a point that Alphonse was being a hypocrite, but that wasn't the reason.
'I said it because I felt guilty about wanting to fuck him.' the thought was sharp and disgusting and he quickly poured more Vodka into his glass and swallowed it faster than was smart if he intended to keep his wits about him.
It had been a 45 minutes since Edward got to the cafe, he was three glasses of straight Vodka down and pouring his fourth –half way through the bottle already- when someone sat down across from him. He stopped pouring just short of the glass rim and looked across from himself at the blonde waitress he was supposed to be there to meet…Kimberly.
She had her hair tied back as both times before he'd seen her in a high ponytail and she wore a midriff denim jacket with a plain black tight low neck T shirt underneath it,
"Do you need to be trying to get drunk every time I see you, Edward?" she said with a sigh and shook her head as he raised the glass to his lips…he only sipped the chilled liquid that time and frowned,
"I'm not trying to get drunk." He said very calmly, surprising himself.
She raised her eyebrows,
"Your drinking straight vodka by the glass…it's bound to get there." She said flatly with something of a wary frown.
Edward drummed his fingers on the cold glass and he realized that this girl probably thought he had a drinking problem. Not caring much what she thought of him, he gestured to the bottle,
"You want any?"
"I don't drink hard liquor." She turned her eyes away to look past him further into the bar/cafe and waved to someone, followed by a gesture for whoever it was to move on or go ahead.
He didn't bother to say anything to her comment as he sipped the vodka again and then licked his lips, she was looking at him again in an almost disappointed way. He raised a disinterested eyebrow,
"Look, I know I came here to hang out with you but I'm not generally very good company so you're not missing out on anything, you go ahead to your friends." He gestured over his shoulder in the direction she'd looked earlier.
She stared at him and then nodded,
"Okay…but…if you change your mind…" she had that hopeful look again, "…just come back there and find me." she stood up and Edward frowned slightly at the extended offer as he watched her stand. She smiled at him slightly and as she walked by him she bumped her fist lightly on his arm.
He turned his head slightly and watched her walk through a wide square door way leading to the back, then he turned back to his Vodka and shook his head while nursing his drink, thinking that she was persistent if absolutely nothing else.
He sat for a half an hour longer but found himself not really caring to finish off the bottle, he'd only just finished his fourth glass and while he felt relaxed, warm and pleasantly disengaged from his surroundings, his freakishly high metabolism spared him from the raging drunken buzz he'd have had if he were any other person who didn't have an extremely high tolerance for just about everything.
He gave the bottle one final look and then stood up from the table, deciding to abandon the rest of his Vodka. He just needed to take a piss and then he'd leave the weird establishment. He walked to the small –not even really- bar and asked the attendant where the toilets were, the guy gestured to the back and Edward went along numbly.
The place was a little fuller in the back and the music remained inconsistent and awful.
He found the toilets easily enough and since it was just one loo he locked himself in and relieved himself. He rinsed his hands off when he was done since the place was no upmarket joint and there wasn't even toilet paper, much less hand soap.
He felt a bit annoyed with it but his teenage years had consisted of many incidents where he'd pissed on road sides or in alleys and hadn't been able to wash his hands because travelling was never luxurious or glamorous when you did it like he had.
He left the toilet when he was done and made his way back into the busy back area, he took a look around at the pool tables and seating of the place, it was crowded, noisy and dimly lit with a pleasant atmosphere.
'Music café…pft…this is bar.'
Edward weaved through a few people, barely glancing around as he did so and he accidentally spotted the blonde waitress at a table with a group of people.
And she was looking around distractedly while all of her friends talked and laughed…then she looked right at him and her eyebrows rose as a smile spread over her face. Edward stopped where he was when she spotted him and he forced a small smile, some of the people with her looked over at him as well and a few of them smiled too.
She said something to them and stood up, Edward realized she was going to come over to him. He decided not to be a total asshole and walk away so he shifted away from some people moving by him and watched her weave through the crowded place until she reached him,
"I thought you left…"she said with her smile still in place. She had nice teeth and Edward absently noted that the tight blue jeans she wore suited her straight build very well.
"I was about to." He answered dully.
"Are you drunk yet?" she asked with a frown.
He frowned in annoyance,
"No, I don't get drunk that easily." He said irritably.
She seemed mostly unaffected by his tone,
"Don't leave yet, come and sit with us…just for a half hour or something." She gestured behind her.
Edward narrowed his eyes, he couldn't figure out why she didn't just let him leave, he hadn't exactly been nice to her. He tucked his bangs on one side behind his ear and nodded stiffly,
"Yeah, okay but if your friends are annoying I'm leaving." He agreed, it wasn't like he had a reason to rush home.
She blinked at him, slightly confused and then nodded,
"Okay then." She turned and gestured with a tilt of her head for him to follow.
He walked just behind her as they weaved through the crowd, she looked over her shoulder at him and slowed down, he nearly stepped on the back of her boots when she did that,
"What do you consider annoying?" she asked with a frown.
"Pretty much anything." He said moodily, looking down since she was slightly shorter than him.
She shook her head and smiled uncertainly,
"Are you always this mean?"
"Yes." Edward responded flatly, raising an eyebrow at the persistent girl.
She blinked, nodded and then started walking again, he thinned his lips irritably and followed her the rest of the way until they reached her table.
"So, Edward what work do you do?" one of her male friends asked half interestedly.
Edward did not give a shit what their names were, he hadn't bothered to remember them when they'd introduced themselves. He had ordered himself a vodka tonic and was content to sit in his chair beside Kimberly and ignore them and her, which he'd been doing for the past 15 minutes since he'd sat down.
She'd introduced him with 'Guys this is Edward' and they'd all said their names and nodded before turning their attention back to their previous conversation. He'd been pleased with that…until just then when one of them, a guy, had decided to involve him in conversation.
He was leaning back in his chair, glass half way to his lips and staring at people play pool- it was not a game he was overly familiar with- and he looked to the guy sitting a little ways down the joined tables, everyone was looking at him now, even Kimberly.
Edward raised his eyebrow lazily,
"I do research work on a free-lance basis." He said sounding every bit as bored as he was.
But at least the noise and people around him distracted him from his problems. He was only there in the first place because Alphonse had wanted space, he was sure that if things were different at home he'd have stood her up.
"Oh yeah, like what kind of work?" someone else asked.
He blinked lazily and stared into his drink,
"Mostly alchemic research but right now I'm working on a construction project." He answered evenly.
There were a few comments he didn't bother to differentiate between but then one particular question was loud enough,
"What kind of alchemic research can you do on construction?"
Edward sighed and glanced at the people staring at him,
"I designed a building." He said vaguely.
"I thought you were a free-lance researcher." Someone said skeptically.
Edward clenched his jaw and was surprised when Kimberly spoke up,
"Don't be so nosy Sandra, he's not asking you guys a bunch of personal questions."
"I'm a waitress." Someone said.
"I'm a waiter."
"Bank clerk.
"Bar manager."
"Oh shut up, you only became a manager yesterday."
Edward sipped his drink with raised eyebrows as he realized Kimberly's friends were likely all in the minimum wage service industry.
"So what do you do, Edward?" some girl leaned around Kimberly and raised her eyebrows at him expectantly.
Edward looked at her indifferently, there was a time when the answer would have been simple.
'I'm an alchemist.' He thought bitterly.
Right then he didn't know what to say…he looked over their expectant faces.
Then he remembered he didn't have to be polite to these people… so he sighed, placed his glass down and he stood up, all of them sat back mostly in confusion and disapproval at his rude actions.
Once he was standing he didn't so much as glance at Kimberly, hoping she'd get the hint and back off, he walked away from them and maneuvered his way through the crowds of people.
He made his way out of the late night bar/café and once he was on the curb in the open night air, he breathed in the smoke free air and realized how entirely sober he felt with a twinge of irritation. He grimaced and stuffed his hands into his pockets as he started walking in the direction he needed to.
He was only a few meters away from the café when he heard his name called from behind him.
Edward glanced over his shoulder and saw Kimberly running after him, her ponytail swinging behind her as she ran up to him. He slowed his steps as he rolled his eyes and finally stopped, turning to face her just when she reached him,
"You weren't kidding when you said you'd leave." She huffed and put her hands on her hips.
"I don't kid…" he said irritably and turned to carry on walking. She fell into step with him a moment later,
"So that's it?" she asked.
He glanced at her,
"What's it?" he asked testily.
"I mean, can't we at least try and hang out again sometime, maybe without my friends, maybe with yours and-…"
He stopped abruptly and glared at her,
"I'm not interested." He said flatly.
She closed her mouth quickly and then glanced around,
"In being friends with me?"
Edward snorted,
"You don't want to be friends with me…you want more than that." He said cockier than was his usual manner.
She didn't get offended by his self-important words, instead she nodded and blushed slightly,
"Yeah I do…but I'm willing to wait for it." She admitted.
He frowned at her when she said that and he didn't know how to respond, she was willing to put up with him being a jerk and to wait for…what?
'Oh right, I told her I'm not dating right now.' He remembered and sighed, looking away from her.
"That's stupid." He said plainly and started walking again.
"Why is it stupid? I don't date a lot of guys and when I do like someone I don't mind making the effort to get them." she caught up with him easily.
"That's annoying." He informed her and crossed the street.
She did not relent.
"But if we become friends and it doesn't go anywhere that's fine too." She sighed and crossed the street with him.
On the other side of the street he stopped again to look at her, she was frowning as she brushed her fringe away from her eyes,
"I'm not looking for any friends." He insisted.
"Then why did you come tonight?" she insisted right back.
'Alphonse…' he swallowed and looked away from her expectant brown eyes,
"I needed somewhere to be…" he said quietly and glanced at two guys in the distance walking along the street heading in the direction of the café, talking loudly to one another.
She sighed again and he looked at her, she also glanced along the street before looking back at him,
"Look, I'm not trying to make your life difficult. I don't have issues, family problems, kids, ex-boyfriends, debt…" she raised her arms and dropped them to her sides, "…I have no baggage. I am a little stubborn though…" she smiled and Edward blinked at her patiently, "…plus I have a weakness for really attractive blonde guys, with long hair, unusual and amazing gold eyes, really bad attitudes…" she looked him over quickly, "…and who're mean, kind of intimidating and wear black clothes all the time." She bobbed her shoulders when she was done.
Edward wasn't impressed and her smile slowly faded,
"You obviously have a lot going on." She sighed.
Ed nodded at her, hoping she was finally going to back off,
"Yeah I do…so-…"
"…it doesn't bother me," she said quietly, still reaching, "…plus we have something in common."
He raised an eyebrow, amazed and annoyed at her persistence,
"What's that?" he asked flatly.
She grinned,
"Alchemy." She blinked slowly and pointedly.
Edward just sighed and took a hand out of his jeans pocket to scratch his chin,
"You like alchemy?" he remembered her not showing much interest when Mustang had mentioned it and suspected she might be just grasping at straws.
She made a face,
"Well I suck at it, so no…but I'm sure once I'm able to do at least a basic transmutation I'll warm up to it." she shrugged.
Edward was about to say something, marginally more interested in her conversation than he had been a second ago, except right then the two guys were about to pass them and one of them made a rude sound,
"Oh, hey baby, nice ass." He said loudly and cat called.
Kimberly kept her eyes on him and pointedly ignored them as they passed, it annoyed Edward quite a bit but she didn't seem bothered by it and he wasn't her boyfriend or anything. He figured it'd be best if he ignored it too…that was, until she squeaked indignantly and turned around to the one who'd passed behind her since he'd rather loudly smacked her jean clad rear.
"You fucking asshole!" she shouted at him.
Edward hardly paid attention to her shouting, his blood boiled at the disrespect showed to her and in this situation he saw his opportunity to vent some of his anger.
He stepped around her and advanced on the man, the guy was walking backwards and laughing at her insult so he saw Edward coming and his face changed to an amused grin,
"Check this little guy out, defending his girl…" he laughed and his friend only a meter from him laughed as well.
"Edward!" he heard Kimberly shout worriedly.
The larger man took a bold step forward and said some lame provoking comment right as he attempted to throw a punch. Edward ducked under his fist quickly, getting closer and without a noise or warning he knocked the guy flat out with a solid right hook to his jaw that snapped the guy's head sideways jarringly, it was a precisely executed and undoubtedly painful hit.
It had been so long since Edward had hit someone, it felt so fucking good, especially since the guy had called him little, he had to grin. The larger and taller guy dropped backwards and landed on the pavement on his back harshly after a staggering wobble. Edward knew he'd be blacked out since that punch had hit his trigeminal nerve.
"Hey what the fuck!"
"Ed!" Kimberly shouted.
The other guy came at Edward with a running lunge, most likely to tackle the blonde and while Ed had many 'fancier' –as Alphonse always called them- ways to get out of the man's way, he settled for a simpler method and skillfully side stepped again when the man was too close to Ed to stop his own momentum.
The guy went straight past him with his full weight thrown into it and hit the road with a harsh smack and an unplanned skid and roll a second later, Kimberly made a shocked sound and the guy groaned in pain. Edward would like to have beaten them stupid, but he knew he couldn't overdo it, this wasn't a military issue beating like it used to be.
Edward flexed his knuckles as they throbbed with a welcomed ache, he was still grinning slightly and he turned to look at the first guy still lying flat out on the pavement. He glanced at Kimberly, she was wide eyed and had her fists clenched in a way he assumed was nervous as she looked at him. He walked over to the man and crouched down next to him, Ed slapped the guy once hard to wake him up.
The guy groaned and breathed heavily as consciousness seeped in and he unsteadily focused on Edward looking down at him,
"Unless you want me to hit you again, and believe me I want to, you better apologize to the lady fuck face." Edward said calmly.
The guy grunted, pain etched into his face from the head ache and buzzing in his ears Edward knew he was experiencing and he looked around until he spotted Kimberly standing just behind Ed then he glanced at Edward again and narrowed his eyes.
"I won't ask you twice." Edward smirked and shifted his weight where he crouched, preparing to hit the guy again.
"Ok, ok!" the guy said quickly and Kimberly made a grossed out noise at the blood that dribbled out of the side of his mouth.
Edward raised an expectant eyebrow and the guy made a face that was rather childish,
"I'm sorry." He said harshly and a few blood spots flecked over his cheek and chin.
Edward raised his eyebrows,
"Is that good enough for you, Kimberly?" he asked calmly.
She was quiet for a moment and then she stepped closer,
"Can I punch him?" she asked suddenly.
Edward found himself smirking at her question and he heard the second man groan somewhere behind him,
"No, you can't punch him or kick him." he said evenly but his smirk widened as she huffed and pouted and the guy on the ground frowned and looked between them,
"Okay, it's fine, it's good enough." she sighed.
Edward nodded and stood up, sparing the other guy –sitting on the floor where he'd landed- a glance to make sure he wasn't going to try anything. Ed felt unsatisfied for the most part because it hadn't even been a fight…he hadn't even experienced any adrenalin rush but the tingling of his long unused knuckles felt really good so he just focused on that.
He turned to her and grabbed her elbow firmly and started to walk away,
"You shouldn't go back to the café right now, guys like that will probably take their anger out on you if they get you alone." He said honestly and easily tugged her away from the scene.
He was aware that a few people across the street had seen him fighting but no one seemed interested,
"My bag and stuff is back there…" she mumbled but gave no resistance as they walked.
"It's with your friends right? Call em' when you get home." He mumbled and once he determined she was keeping up he let her arm go.
She was quiet for a long time as they walked in the mostly empty streets before she said something,
"You looked like you enjoyed that." She mumbled and he glanced at her, to see she was smiling at him, "Wish I could have punched him, I've never punched anyone." She complained.
Once again Edward couldn't help smirking and he flexed his slightly throbbing knuckles,
"You would have broken a few of your fingers." he said honestly and glanced at her again, she looked curious and was making a fist with her right hand and looking at it,
"Really…huh…was he that hard headed?" she chuckled at her joke and Edward didn't humor her.
He was thinking of a time when he was able to punch people and not even feel the throb until the next day and sometimes not even at all.
"So what do you do for a living cause' you looked pretty comfortable beating those guys up for a researcher slash building designer." She turned the corner with him.
Edward sighed and looked at the empty streets ahead of him, it was just the two of them,
"I'm…an alchemist." He admitted quietly.
"Really?" she asked loudly, "Why the heck didn't you say so, that's not embarrassing or anything." She seemed confused.
"I don't do alchemy anymore." He said in a clipped tone, he wasn't about to say he couldn't, he preferred to stick to the story that he chose not to use the ancient science anymore.
"Oh, were you bad at it? Cause I know how it feels to get frustrated with slow progress, it's really hard…" she said sounding annoyed at the topic.
Edward didn't feel like answering anything else so he changed the subject,
"Where do you live?" he glanced at her.
"Oh, 256 Her-…"
"Not your exact address idiot…" he interrupted her, "…you don't tell a stranger exactly where you live, do you have the mentality of a five year old?" he shook his head disbelievingly.
She frowned and they slowed walking,
"I hardly think you're gonna do anything to me with that information that you couldn't have already done while walking alone with me in the deserted streets, especially since you seem like a dangerous guy…" She said almost off handedly.
Edward half rolled his eyes,
"Look…just…" he sighed and stopped walking, "…what street?"
"Sterling, lower North." She tilted her head and smiled at him.
He glanced around, moving his bangs from his face as a slight wind passed over them, he spotted a pay phone two blocks down,
"I'm gonna call you a cab…" he started walking in that direction and she followed,
"I don't have any money on me for a cab, my bag-…"
"I'll pay for it." He said testily.
"Then…" she beamed at him, moving closer to his side as they walked and he glanced at her irritably, "…I'll pay you back next time I see you." She said slyly.
"You don't have to." He said, then regretted not saying he didn't want her to, it was ruder.
"That'll be in-equivalent…and as an alchemist-…"
"You are not an alchemist."
"I am, I'm just not a very good one." She insisted.
He sighed exasperatedly,
"You really are annoying…"
Edward walked into the dark apartment just after twelve, he hadn't been keeping track of time and between when he'd left home and having waited with Kimberly for a cab for an hour he'd gotten home later than he'd have liked.
The night had been over all very annoying…and Kimberly had insisted she pay him back and see him again. He'd managed to get out of that by saying he'd come and see her at the restaurant she worked at some time, which was a lie…and she'd looked as though she knew he'd been lying.
He had felt bad but since he hadn't been leading her on, he wasn't about to care all that much about her feelings.
Only one good thing had come out of the night…he'd gotten to punch someone in the face and damn, had it felt good. It had been so long since he'd felt the vibration of knocking someone out rattle the bones in his hand.
He grinned in the dark and pulled his feet out of his boots hastily, before he locked the door and walked into the hall. He walked down the dark hall with familiarity and reached his bedroom quickly.
Edward opened the door quietly and automatically glanced to the bed to look for Alphonse…and he saw his bed was empty.
It was as if tons of weight fell on him at the sight of the empty bed, Edward felt himself become painfully tense and his insides hurt, Alphonse hadn't slept in his own bed even once since they'd purchased the double beds…
Edward clenched his right fist so tightly that his blunt nails dug into his palm and a few knuckles popped, his knuckled turned white. The dull throb in his fingers and wrist made him think of how much he'd love to be able to hit something or someone again right then.
He knew it wouldn't solve his problems and it wouldn't take away his emotional tension, that sort of suffering was too deeply draining and imbedded, it was a burden he had to bear for making the mistakes he did with Alphonse. But Edward had always found great physical relief in pounding the shit out of something, he always slept better on the nights when he'd beaten someone up even minimally when he'd been a teenager.
But that was then and this was now.
Now Alphonse had become what he found he needed in order to sleep at night.
But things were changing between them and he honestly didn't know if Al would ever sleep in the same bed with him ever again. The wrenching cold loss in his stomach made him angry again, a deep hurt anger, a festering sort he hadn't been aware of until the night before.
A buried resentment from so so long ago…hadn't ever gone away, he'd simply repressed it.
Now that Alphonse was doing this to him, had made him feel the things he did and now had just coldly started to pull away without even being willing to talk it out…it was scratching at old unhealed wounds and Edward could not let himself get caught up in those feelings.
He loved Alphonse and he'd just have to find a way to let go of his resentment and Alphonse's affections and get over his feelings if that was what his future held.
He'd have to find away.
Edward stared through the dark room at the empty bed and frowned slowly as a loathed thought occurred to him.
He hated to even think it…but he did. It seemed like a solution…
"No…" Edward shook his head, "…I can't do that." He whispered to himself and turned around to leave the bedroom again. With an uncertain resolve, Edward forced the thought out of his mind and walked down the hall until he came to stop outside Alphonse's closed bedroom door.
He sighed sadly and considered going in and letting Alphonse know he was home…but he shook his head after a moment and remembered that he'd decided to give the younger blonde space.
Edward walked to the bathroom and shook his head again to get rid of the annoying thought in his mind that was making him reconsider joining the military again.
No matter how much he needed an outlet for his anger…going down that road was not something he wanted to consider as an option…ever.
