Ichigo's mission to figure out Renji's type of woman wasn't an easy one.

He did his best to research and study his subject. He diligently sat with Renji while he watched reruns of the VS fashion show. He researched Renji's favorite gravure idols and studiously read through Renji's whole stash of porn mags, even the really filthy ones that he half-covered his face through, scandalized.

Through all of this, he concluded… Renji's type of woman was . . .

Really womanly. Ergo, not him at all.

After a few days of this, he decided to talk to Renji about it directly. It wasn't like his boyfriend was particularly shy about sex or topics concerning.

"Hey Renji, what turns you on?" Ichigo asked him directly, when they were eating dinner together.

"You do," Renji replied, not missing a beat. Ichigo hummed a little, and in all honesty, he'd probably expected an answer like that.

"So you don't… fantasize at all?" he went on. "I mean, there's no way you don't, with all those porns you like."

Renji shrugged, not seeming to think much of it. "Well, not really… I've got you right here, don't I?"

"No, I mean… not about me either? You don't imagine anything… anything…" Ichigo couldn't quite get the words out right, and was sure that he wasn't getting the point across clearly.

"Oh. Sure I do. I think about you a lot when I'm missin' you, I guess." Ichigo sighed. They ate in silence for a few minutes, Renji's feet idly playing with his under the table.

"Do you ever miss being with women?" he came out with, as if expecting Renji to be shocked and chagrined.

He hardly got any reaction - Renji just chewed for a while thoughtfully. "Sometimes," he said, between bites. "I like them a lot. How they talk. Their clothes. I dunno' exactly what it is. Maybe it's this feeling I get when I'm with them, y'know, of being comforted." He thought for a little longer. "And they're so pretty to look at."

Ichigo snorted, but agreed.

"Lipgloss, perfume," Renji hummed. "Jewelry and high heels." He smiled. Ichigo smiled back.

"Man, you're such a sucker," Ichigo mumbled, smiling as he listened. Other than wanting to understand Renji better, part of him was interested regardless. He'd never been with a girl.

There's still some remaining mystery and innocent fluttery feeling in his gut when he thought about it, still lingering from his adolescence. Though he was still hestitant to talk about or look at those kinds of things, he saw the appeal of being with a girl - so soft and gentle, but so strong, enduring, comforting, like Renji said. He didn't know if it was mommy issues or what, but nothing made him feel better when he was upset than the women in his life, Rukia in particular - other than Renji, of course.

"Pff', maybe," Renji conceded, laughing a little and looking down at his plate. He took a few more bites and a large breath. "I miss boobs," he went on, "Damn, I miss boobs. . . "

Ichigo mildly picked at his plate, munching on his remaining veggies. "I miss sticking my head under a skirt, I guess. That's really fun," Renji continued. "One thing I don't miss," he noted, "Fucking post-orgasm afterguilt." He shuddered.

"What? Why?" Ichigo wondered curiously.

"Cumming inside is scary even with a condom on," Renji groaned, digging around at the bottom of his bowl for the last bites of rice. "I'm serious, Ichigo, there's no way I don't have kids out there somewhere that I just don't know about yet." He seemed to have realized what he'd said right after he'd said it, because he froze and set his bowl down, staring at Ichigo in surprise, mouth open.

". . . " Ichigo stared at him, then slowly moved his chopsticks to his mouth.

"I shouldn't've said that," Renji said quietly, gritting his teeth. Ichigo chewed silently. He reached out a hand, eyebrows scrunching up. "Baby, I'm sorry. I took that too far," he pleaded.

"Why are you apologizing, I'm not mad," Ichigo said in confusion, nudging Renji's gentle fingers away from his elbow.

"I know, but…" Renji gazed at him with these big sad eyes that cried, 'sorry, sorry!'

"It's really okay, I brought it up."

Even so, Renji was absurdly nice for the rest of the night - which he only did when he felt really bad about something. It didn't help though.

Ichigo still wasn't jealous after hearing any of that stuff, but he did feel a little sad seeing Renji get that enthusiastic about the things he missed, full well knowing that he wasn't going to be able to do any of that stuff again - not while they were together at least.

Far from making him feel better, he was even more at a loss for what to do next. He didn't know what he'd hoped to accomplish, asking Renji that kind of thing. Maybe he'd thought he could replace that void in Renji's life, but he realized now that it probably wasn't possible.

For the first time since being with Renji, he felt somewhat discouraged, maybe even a little unloved. He didn't like feeling down on himself like that, and in the following days, he complained to Rukia about it.

After she'd listened to him for a while across the cafeteria table, she said, "I've never known you to get jealous."

Ichigo huffed, pushing his cucumber sandwich away from him and leaning his head in the crook of his elbow, hand flopping backwards over his hair. "I'm not. I just want to do something… nice for him," he muttered, looking away, picking idly at the hair around his ear. "But when I started thinking about what he might like, I dunno'... I guess it just hit me. I'm not his type of girl."

"Ichigo," Rukia said solemnly. "You're not a girl." Ichigo groaned and rolled his eyes and picked his head up, but only enough to shove it into his hands, mushing his face around. "Renji knows that," she insisted. "I don't know why I even have to say that to you, honestly." She raised a fist and told him with gusto, "Attract him with your manliness!"

"Ugh, stop being embarrassing," he muttered, taking a vicious bite of his food, glaring around.

"You're the only one who's embarrassed here."

He sighed, flinging his sandwich around as he talked. "I mean, I know he likes both… things," he gestured vaguely, "but he seems to have a pretty clear preference." He thought back to Renji's porn stash: fifty or so picture books of sexy babes wearing and doing anything under the sun, and a single men's sports magazine.

"He's less subtle about liking women, that's all," Rukia dismissed. "It doesn't mean he's not just as much of a sucker for your charms."

'What charms?' he thought miserably, and his face probably showed it, because Rukia pointed a finger in his face.

"What charms," he mumbled. "Even if he does like guys equally, the type of guy he likes is way more buff than I am." Not just buff, all the guys in that magazine Renji had were fucking stacked, much closer to Renji's build than his own.

"You're focusing too much on what you think he likes when he clearly likes you just fine," she said harshly. "More than fine, I'd say. That's why he's with you. He chose you and your swimmer's body over everybody in the world."

"I did track, not swim."

"Ichigo."

"I know, I know, okay."

"Do you?" She narrowed her eyes.

"Yeah, lay off."

Okay, so Rukia was no help. Trying to make him feel better about himself and telling him he was being silly - he already knew that, so what did he do about it, huh?

Ugh, this was all Hisagi's fault. It'd never even crossed his mind in four years to feel insecure in their relationship, let alone their sex life, but now that the thought was there, it keeps growing and fucking shit up.

It's pissing him off now. He'll show that fucker. He can excite Renji, he knows he can! He'll blow Renji's mind! Guy won't even know what hit him!

What's his plan then?

He imagined trying to excite Renji, and after thinking on it for a long time, he decided that he'd have to do something out of the ordinary… something… freaky.

Rukia might be right that he should stop comparing himself to girls and just work with what he had - but he didn't really have any ideas of how to excite Renji with just… himself. He'd never been very creative.

That meant turning to the internet again.

Renji must've been working overtime because he wasn't there when Ichigo got home, which gave him an opportunity to get on his laptop in private. As a starting point, he searched what he'd been looking at before, those dumb articles. He read through the lists more carefully this time, and inadvertently discovered the world of kinks.

He read and read until Renji got home and even then he kept running the ideas over in his mind. He hunched his shoulders in as he thought about trying any of those things with his boyfriend.

Would Renji like anything weird?

Getting stepped on? Dressing up? Ropes? . . . Feeding each other? . . . .

Fuck, all of them seemed pretty racey even though he knew from the lists he'd looked at of exciting ways to spice things up, that those were all very vanilla 'kinks' - if they could even be called that - in comparison to some others.

Since he'd worked up his determination to try something, he supposed he had to choose something, and as a start, he settled on dressing up, because if he thought about it he actually had some first-hand confirmation that Renji seemed to really like that. He got in a strange mood when Ichigo came home still in his scrubs and didn't change out of them right away. He'd get all spoony with him, affectionate, rubbed up against him a lot and squeezed him in his arms.

Not to mention Renji'd actually told him before that back when they were still both in college doing sports, that seeing him in his track outfit got him hot like nothing else.

If Ichigo was honest, he knew the feeling. Even thinking about Renji wearing his… Ugh, he can't even think about it, his ears were already turning pink.

Yeah, that's it, it's decided. He'll dress up for Renji, wear something to really drive him wild.

Feeling resolved in his new plan, Ichigo's first thought was to just get some new underwear, but then the words came back to him: "I miss sticking my head under a skirt."

For a moment, he imagined getting a skirt, wearing it, and felt ridiculous.

Renji had said he missed doing that, but with Ichigo wearing it, wouldn't that just be weird? Totally unsexy. It won't look right on him anyways, probably…

He felt weird all over just thinking about it, that knot forming in his gut again, his hands shaking just slightly over the keyboard. Shit, why was he sweating so much?

He could try it. Renji might really like it . . .

Ichigo browsed some more, mouth dry, finding some racey adult websites for couples, and at last landed on something that caught his eye: pink, lacey, cute - very cute. It was something that he knew Renji would die over if it were on a VS angel or a gravure idol, but in the end as his cursor hovers over the purchase button, he just can't go through with it and buy it.

'Just because Renji would like it doesn't mean he'd like it on me.'

Ichigo swallowed and calmed himself down, digging a fist into his gut. Goddamn, his stomach was going crazy. He didn't know why he was getting so worked up, thinking about wearing that and Renji touching him, taking it off him.

It excites him, but he also felt an overpowering sense of revulsion, humiliation. It made his stomach hurt, so tight with nerves that he was giving himself cramps just thinking about it.

'Just don't think about it then. It's some stupid hangup. It'll go away.'

In the end he got himself some expensive new underwear. Initially he hadn't felt nervous about wearing something like that for Renji, they were just really nice boxer briefs, but now that he'd looked at all that other stuff, he felt nervous somehow.

'He'll love it. He'll love it,' he told himself, but the sick feeling remained. 'I'm a pathetic boyfriend, what, I can't even dress sexy once in my life without throwing up?'

But that wasn't the problem and he knew it. That wasn't what was making him feel like this, what was putting that knot there.

He shut his laptop and made to go into their bedroom, but when he opened the door Renji quickly called, "Hey, don't come in here! I'm wrapping your gift!" Ichigo closed the door, standing just outside with his hand still on the handle.

". . ." He wiped his clammy palm on his pants and took a breath, but his voice got stuck in his throat. He tried again, "Tell me that stuff beforehand!"

"Get out! I'm almost done!"

Ichigo managed a smirk and wandered back out into the kitchen. He'd just have to do his best.

'He'll like it. I'll knock his socks off. Or his pants at least.'