June 7, 2002
Juliet misplaced her book and only found it after digging through three or four of the stacks of paperwork she had on hand to look over for her current project. She rushed out of her house and down the path, practically bursting through Ben's door.
"Sorry I'm late," she said, trying not to breathe heavily. "Hope you weren't waiting too long."
"No trouble to wait a few minutes," said Ben.
Although the room was crowded (interest in the book club had grown over the past few months), the place on the couch next to Ben was open. Juliet looked around and saw Adam, the newest club member, sitting cross-legged on the floor.
"Oh," she said. "You can have the couch. I'm the late one."
Adam waved a hand dismissively. "I wanted to sit on the floor," he said. "I like it. Besides, I didn't want to take your spot."
She sat down, wondering just when this spot had become hers. "I don't bite," Ben whispered conspiratorially.
"Not that I've noticed so far," she whispered back in the same tone.
"Well," said Ben out loud to the whole group. "Obviously I like the book. I chose it. What did you all think?"
"I liked it, too," said Adam quickly. "A really great book."
Everyone looked at him, waiting for elaboration.
"Thoroughly engaging," Adam added, sounding pleased with himself.
"Engagingly deceptive," said one of the new women, Janine. "You think you know how things will turn out, and you're treated to the unexpected."
"It's a strange sort of romance," said Juliet. "Sort of flying in the face of logic."
"The best ones do, don't they?" said Colleen, grinning. "Look at y…." She stopped suddenly. Juliet glanced at Ben and could have sworn she saw a slight movement of his head. "...me and Danny," Colleen finished.
"I didn't say I didn't like it," said Juliet. She felt her face growing warm and didn't trust herself to continue.
"She certainly resists it long enough," said Bea. "Trying to be who everybody thinks she is."
"Who everybody tells her she is," put in Goodwin. "Her whole life, everybody is telling her who she is, what she should do, what's going to make her happy."
"How she should feel," said Amelia.
"Exactly," Goodwin said.
"The predictability is comfortable," said Ethan. "Don't you think?"
"For her, or for all of us?" asked Colleen.
"True, I would say it's comfortable for everybody—but just now I meant specifically for her," Ethan clarified.
"It stops her from knowing herself," said Janine. "She's been told who she is for so long that she doesn't know what she really feels. It takes her ages to find her own voice."
"And to stand up for herself," said Bea. "Not stopping with just finding her voice, but claiming what she feels and acting on it."
"That's so hard," said Amelia.
"'It is so hard,'" quoted Ben, "'to be absolutely truthful.'"
"Right," said Amelia. "But you love her for wanting to be. Or at least I did."
"So what if you see somebody trying to figure out the truth, and you already have it figured out?" said Adam. "Do you share it, or keep it to yourself?"
"In some situations, too much truth all at once can be hugely overwhelming," said Goodwin.
"Or dangerous," said Ethan.
"'What is truth?'" muttered Ben.
"George knew the truth," said Janine. "About how Lucy felt about him."
"He knew, and he forced her to face it," said Bea.
"But not to accept it," said Juliet. "He made her face it, but he let her make her own choice."
"Of whether or not to be absolutely truthful," said Amelia.
"True to herself and her feelings, yes," said Juliet.
"I like that about him," said Colleen.
"So do I," said Juliet. She was very conscious of the warmth of the other occupant of the couch, and she kept her eyes on the room in front of her.
"Do you think she could have been happy with Cecil?" asked Amelia.
"Sure," said Colleen. "All she had to do was shut her eyes, plug her ears, and ignore all the attempted entrances of reality."
Adam laughed.
"It can be done," said Ethan. "We all probably do it more often than we realize."
"Trusting your feelings isn't always such a great idea, either," said Juliet. "I followed my feelings and ended up marrying a philandering egotist."
There was a rather uncomfortable pause.
"The truth is not always safe," Ben said finally. "And it's certainly not a definitive roadmap. Only you can decide what to do with it. Nobody makes that choice for you."
Juliet felt crowded. She was acutely aware of everyone in the room, sure they were staring at her, sure they all knew what she was thinking. But if they did, nobody let on, and the discussion picked up again and continued to its completion without anyone noticing that she had stopped participating.
She helped clear things away once people started standing to go. It seemed to her that people left faster than usual. She shook her head. It was just her overactive imagination. She was acutely aware of several facts: Alex was visiting with friends, Ben was the only other person in the house, and Ben was both the last and the only person she wanted to talk to right now.
"I can take care of that," he said, and she jumped, startled again at how easily and in how many ways he threw her off guard.
"I'm done anyway," she said.
"Thank you," he said.
She stood there by the sink, staring stupidly at him and trying to think what she would say if she were able to form complete sentences.
"Ben?" she began, unnecessarily considering how bewilderingly close he was, how steady his gaze.
"Yes?"
He had just the hint of a smile on his face, unwavering and unhurrying, and she blurted out the only thing she could think of, finding for perhaps the first time in her life that the only words that worked were someone else's.
"'I want to be truthful.'"
"It's hard," he responded. "But it is just possible."
Slowly, they leaned towards each other. Juliet's heart was racing. She took a shuddering breath, closed her eyes, and….
"Oh!" gasped Colleen. Juliet jerked her head back and hit it on the corner of the refrigerator. "I'm sorry," Colleen continued. "I hope I'm not interrupting…I mean, I hope there's something to be interrupted, but I hope I'm not…."
Juliet grinned in a grimacing sort of way and moved a hand to the back of her head. Ben's fingers met hers there as he, too, assessed the damage.
"How can we help you, Cole?" he asked, and Juliet felt like a stupid schoolgirl at the pronoun.
"I…I forgot my book," Colleen said meekly. "I thought maybe I left it in here when I brought my mug in, but maybe it's…um...." She pointed beyond them to the living room. Ben nodded to her, and she hurried past.
"You okay?" he asked Juliet softly.
She pulled her fingers away and examined them. "No bleeding," she said. "Externally, anyway. Better watch my pupils for a while, though."
"I can do that." His fingers were still there, a gentle pressure over the rising place on the back of her head. "I'm good at watching things."
"I'm leaving now," Colleen called out cheerfully from the living room.
The front door opened and closed as quietly as the turning of a page.
