Secrets & Desires (K-2)

Timing: Sometime after Gemma kissed Kartik at the gypsy camp ('A Great and Terrible Beauty' pg. 209-210)

She's kissing me. The scene keeps replaying in my dreams. It's the same way she did it, but it seems to be a different place each time. I do not believe it was once at the gypsy camp like the real thing, though.

I believe it is the fifth time. No, I did not keep track of it, it's just a guess, an estimate. It doesn't really matter how many times it has shown itself in my dreams, the fact is, it has. Sometimes the memory stays until a bit after she breaks away, sometimes I wake when she does.

My prediction was right, the guys never did let me hear the end of that. They still like to make small jokes about it, I have learned to let it pass, they seem to drop it faster if there is not as large a reaction as they expected.

The boy with the memorable nose (I never seem to remember his name) seems a bit bitter about it. I suppose he was hoping for a lady's company, he doesn't seem to get too much with that large nose of his.

For some reason the gypsy men here seem to look up to the English women, like Ithal. I don't see why he keeps pursuing the blond. After their last encounter maybe he'll give up on her, I hope he does. He's making a fool of himself for her and she practically spits on him, I hope I am never in such a position. The English, they seem to always rank people this way, seeing the gypsies as 'heathens' for example. Gemma is English, does she think of me that way?

The thought of her that night still sends a shiver down my back, which means everytime I dream it as well. Especially when I remember that I kissed back, yes sadly, I did just the littlest bit.

I must shake these thoughts from my mind. This proves a bit of a difficult task for me. I ponder for a moment, trying to think of a way to do so. However I find a way, I remember her friend. I believe her name may be Pippa from some of their conversations that I've 'overheard', however I am not sure of it. Whatever her name really is, she is... attractive, I must admit this.

I asked Gemma about her after the kiss. I felt a bit embarassed as I admit... that I didn't pull away first, so I felt I had to change the subject to something else, something to cover up what might have been going through my head at that moment. It seemed to be the right thing to ask for that purpose. When she answered, I believe I heard something in her voice, I think it was... disappointment. For what, I am not sure, or maybe I just don't want to be sure about it.

She seemed to rush out of Mother Elena's tent soon after she entered it. She seemed a bit... jumpy. I am slightly concerned about what might have happened to make her so, but it mustn't be too big because her friends didn't seem half as shocked as she. Then again, maybe she had a vision. She really is stubborn, I wish she'd just close her mind already without arguing with me about it. She asks too many questions about it as well, if she would just hold back from visions already she wouldn't need to worry about the answers of them.

I've written too much, I am forgetting the reason for this 'journal'. I should retire back to my sleep. I am not so willing to go back to it truthfully. It gives me a sort of unfamiliar feeling, I cannot describe it. However, I can not be drowsy tomorrow, I must be alert as always, as the Rakshana has taught me to be.

Good night.