Olivia sat back on the cold tile, wiping her face with some wadded up toilet paper. I'm never drinking again. She leaned back against the wall, waiting to see if she was going to throw up again. Her stomach felt better and she thought that was probably the end of it. She turned her head to her left, eyeing the shower. A warm shower would feel good right now. Shower. Food. Sleep.
She pushed herself up off the floor, happy that her stomach didn't start churning and her head didn't start spinning. She loosened the sash and let her robe slip off her shoulders. She reached in and started the shower, letting it warm up while she took off her bra and underwear. A small moan escaped as she stepped into the hot water. It felt so good.
She dropped her head and closed her eyes, letting the water cascade down her body. She rolled her neck back and forth, trying to release the tension from her confrontation with Elliot. She was still mad at herself for getting into it with him. When she had told herself yesterday that she needed to move on…to lock away her feelings for him and concentrate on just being his partner…she had expected to have a few days to prepare herself. Not a few hours.
She was still frustrated that he didn't understand why she was angry. Maybe because he did know her well, and most likely knew there was something else at the root of it. She'd almost said it…when she told him she couldn't do this anymore and he asked her to explain…
Her traitorous body had intervened, forcing her to run out of the room.
Maybe it was for the best.
If she told him how she felt, he'd probably be in Cragen's office so fast it would make her head spin. She didn't want that. Not anymore.
At first, that's exactly what she wanted. To transfer out…get a new partner. Get away from him. From the constant reminder of what she couldn't have.
But sometime over the course of last night, she had decided that she couldn't bear it. That she'd rather be his partner than be nothing at all.
How pathetic was that?
Maybe she should revisit her decision. Making life choices when you're drunk isn't always the best idea. But even now, when she was stone cold sober, she knew she wouldn't leave him.
She couldn't leave him.
So, she would never tell him. She didn't have to see him again until Monday. She would just pretend like this entire weekend never happened…that they hadn't fought. They'd go along like before.
That was for the best.
Olivia shampooed her hair, soaped her body and stood under the hot spray until it was barely warm and her tears were gone.
EOEOEOEO
Elliot heard Olivia getting sick again. He walked up to her bedroom door, but hesitated. She was already so angry with him, even more than before. It wasn't his place to invade her privacy. Again.
He felt horrible about how he had handled everything this afternoon. If he had any balls, he would have told her the real reason he felt so protective of her, instead of all defending his right to do so. It didn't have to do with thinking she was incompetent…he thought she was one of the bravest, capable people he knew. It didn't have anything to do with the fact that she was drunk and in potential danger...he knew Fin was watching out for her. It didn't have anything to do with the fact that he had to be right and had to show her who was in charge…he was arrogant but he knew she was smarter than he was.
The real reason was that he loved her. She was everything to him.
And now, by acting like an idiot…by arguing with her instead of telling her what was in his heart…the only thing he'd done is push her away.
He didn't know what to do now. She wasn't feeling well, and she was pissed as hell, so it probably wasn't the time to bare his soul.
What if she didn't feel the same way he did?
He wasn't certain how she felt. Olivia had never given him any tangible indication that she felt anything for him, and it was one of the reasons he'd let things stay the same.
I can't do this anymore.
Her words ran through his mind, and he could hear pain in them. Resignation. That alone made him think they maybe…just maybe…she felt the same as he did.
If she didn't, it would crush him. He wondered if he could handle her rejection. He had a picture of them in his mind…of kissing her…holding her in his arms. Some days, he thought about it so much that he ached for it to be real.
If she pushed him away…could he just be happy being partners with her? Would it be better to be partner and friends than nothing at all?
Maybe it was too big of a risk.
No, he wasn't going to let this weekend pass without telling her how he felt. He may have to give her some time to sleep…to recover…before they could have the conversation.
But they were going to talk…consequences be damned. He had to know.
The sound of water broke through his thoughts. The shower. He took that as a good sign. Hopefully she was feeling better. He walked away from the door and into the living room, thinking about how this was going to play out.
He had to take it slowly. Apologize for the things he had said to her, and for how he had handled last night. End the argument between them. Smooth things over.
Then maybe she would listen to him.
Elliot walked into the kitchen. He realized she may feel better if she had something to eat. He dug in the refrigerator and found some eggs and enough vegetables to make an omelet. Fortunately for him, living alone had forced him to learn how to cook, and while he wouldn't win any awards, he was good enough.
He set to work, listening for the shower to stop so he could time everything. She was in there a long time, but when he finally heard the water stop, he started cooking.
He just hoped she wouldn't kick him out once and for all when she found he was still in her apartment.
EOEOEOEO
Olivia towel dried her hair, rubbed lotion on her body and brushed her teeth. Physically, she was feeling a lot better than she had when she first woke up this morning. Emotionally…well, the jury was out on that one.
She walked into her bedroom and grabbed a pair of underwear and leggings. She pulled them on, and then pulled a ribbed tank top over her head. She opened her closet door and grabbed a gray zip-up hoodie, but she put it back. It had been Elliot's and she wore it often. But not today. She found al light blue sweatshirt, and zipped it up halfway. She was going to curl up on the couch and watch a movie. Or maybe take a nap. But first, she had to find something to eat. Now that she was feeling better, she actually felt a little hungry.
She paused for a moment. Now that she was thinking about food…
Did she smell eggs?
She whipped open her bedroom door and walked into the living room. She froze when she saw Elliot standing in her small kitchen with his back to her.
"Elliot." She could tell she had startled him when she yelled his name because he dropped the spatula he had been holding in his hand. He turned around quickly, and then turned back to what he was doing.
"Perfect timing."
He turned around and Olivia saw he was holding two plates in his hands. "What are you doing?"
"I made breakfast. Well, brunch. I figured you'd be hungry." He gave her a small smile. "Are you feeling better? Can you eat something?" He walked around the counter and headed towards the small table tucked into the corner of her living room. He was determined not to let her get him riled up again.
Elliot set the plates down on the table and turned back towards her. He could see she was still standing in the same place, and he took a moment to look at her standing there. Her hair was still wet, and was curling slightly at her shoulders. She didn't have any make-up on, and was dressed in simple black leggings and a sweatshirt. Her feet were bare and he swore he could smell her lotion or soap or shampoo…maybe all three…from here. Despite the scowl on her face, she looked amazing to him. A natural beauty.
Olivia saw Elliot watching her, and she couldn't believe he had a small smile on his face. It was almost as if nothing had happened…no words spoken in anger…no yelling…no disagreement. She took a few steps towards him. "What the hell do you think you're doing?"
"I made breakfast." Elliot motioned toward the table, trying to keep the mood light.
"I mean, what are you doing here?"
"Making breakfast." He couldn't help but grin at his answer.
"I thought I made it very clear that you should leave." He was trying to be cute and it was throwing her off. She crossed her arms in front of her, suddenly unsure of what to do next.
"I told you I wasn't leaving until we talked." Elliot said, taking a step in her direction. He bit the inside of his cheek. Don't aggravate her.
"I don't want to talk."
Elliot took a step in her direction and held up his hands. "OK. We don't have to talk." He paused for a second. "Just…let's just have breakfast and I can apologize for being an asshole."
Olivia's stomach rumbled and she cursed under her breath. Suddenly, she was starving and it smelled so good. And he looked so damned cute standing there. "You're going to apologize?" That would be a first.
He smiled then. He knew he had her. At least through breakfast. "I am."
Olivia dropped her arms. "I didn't know you could cook." She took a few steps towards the table, and she watched as Elliot backed up, giving her space.
Elliot shrugged his shoulders. "I'm not promising it's good." He sat down in the chair closest to kitchen and watched as Olivia slid into the chair across from him.
Olivia picked up a piece of toast and took a bite, nervous that her stomach wasn't going to take it. But that first bite seemed to go down without any issues, so she took a few more bites. She dug into her eggs next, and although she wouldn't admit it to him, they were delicious. It had been a long time since anyone had cooked for her at home.
Elliot watched her eat, and was glad that she seemed to be enjoying it. She stopped suddenly and looked back at him.
"You're not going to eat?" she asked, motioning to the untouched plate in front of him. He was staring at her, and it was making her uncomfortable. "Or were you going to apologize first?"
Elliot grinned. She was giving him a hard time, and he took that as a very good sign. She was obviously more relaxed, and he knew that the food was probably helping. "Oh yeah. Well, I don't really know how to apologize…." He was immediately rewarded with a smile and a roll of the eyes and he felt a wave of relief wash over him.
"Figures." Olivia took another bite of eggs. She didn't know why she was relaxed…why she was letting her guard down. This wasn't helping her resolve. But it felt so good. For things to be normal between them. Even if it was just a few stolen minutes, she was going to take it.
And then he was going to have to go.
"Liv." Elliot's voice was soft and she looked up at him. "I'm sorry."
"El." It was so strange to hear the words, but the vulnerability in his tone threw her.
Elliot reached out and rested his hand on the table between them. "Listen to me. I'm sorry for all the horrible things that I've said to you over the years. I'm sorry if I treated you like anything less than you deserved. I'm sorry if I made you think I didn't trust you, or that you couldn't do your job." He looked into her eyes and he could see she was struggling.
"El. Don't." Olivia said. As much as she hated his arrogance sometimes, to see him laid bare like this was almost more frightening. The man never shared much…and this level of emotion was unprecedented.
"I owe you this." he said. "I don't have any excuse for my behavior and I know I'm a son-of-a-bitch to be around sometimes. Probably most of the time. But I need you to believe me when I say that I never meant to hurt you. Never." He dropped his eyes briefly, and then looked back up at her. "I don't deserve to have a partner like you. You're smarter than me. Fearless. You connect with victims like I can't. You're a better person than me…"
"Please stop." Olivia said breathlessly. An apology she could accept, but she had never handled compliments very well. And this conversation was getting too serious. Too deep. She could tell he felt badly, but honestly, she still wasn't up to this. She wanted to eat breakfast, and then tell Elliot goodbye. Regroup for Monday. "Apology accepted." She gave him a tight smile.
"But…"
"Just finish your breakfast."
Elliot paused. He needed to tell her. But before he could say anything else, she was standing up, grabbing her plate from the table. He stood up and blocked her from walking into the kitchen. "Liv." He said, placing a hand on her arm.
She looked up at him. "You made breakfast. I'll clean up." She moved past him and he dropped his hand.
Elliot grabbed his plate from the table and followed her into the kitchen. "I made the mess. And I know you're still not feeling well, so I can do it."
"I feel fine." Olivia said, taking the plate out of his hand. Something about his demeanor…his persistence…was making her uncomfortable. "Besides, it's time for you to go."
Elliot furrowed his brow. He wasn't ready to leave. He wouldn't leave.
Not until he had the chance to say what he needed to say.
