Stand Ins and Stunt Doubles 4

"Where's Xander?" Dawn asked, when she opened the door and saw Jamie was there.

"Pylea," Jamie replied as she entered the Summer's residence without waiting for an invite, as was the tradition.

"Pylea?" Tara asked anxiously.

"Why does that name sound familiar?" Willow asked absently, as Buffy messed with the VCR.

"Why were you two with the Avengers?" Buffy demanded, having recently gotten home and still dressed in her school clothes. As she pushed play a distant shot of Xander and Jamie helping the Avengers was shown before a news report started and she hit pause.

"Yes, Pylea," Jamie answered Tara turning to Willow. "It's a nearby Hell dimension." Turning to Buffy she said, "They were fighting outside the restaurant we stopped at for lunch."

"Hell dimension?!" the girls chorused.

"Yes," Jamie confirmed. "A hell dimension."

"We have to save him!" Buffy yelled.

"He went there to rescue someone," Jamie said. "He and a team of experienced demon hunters went to rescue a girl after getting a psychic vision."

"There's a team- Angel's gang?" Buffy guessed.

"That's them," Jamie agreed unconcerned. "Anyway while he's in hell I'm to follow your orders," she told Tara.

"Me?" Tara asked.

"I can't cook, but I can clean, organize, build, destroy, hunt demons, and a plethora of other things," Jamie said. "With Xander busy elsewhere I am to fill in 'taking care of his girls' for him until he returns and do anything Tara says."

"Anything?" Dawn asked having caught the emphasis she had put on the word.

"Anything," she confirmed. "The only two side notes to that rule is, one: if she needs someone killed double check her identity- "

"Not make sure they're a demon?" Buffy interrupted.

"Very few demons make the list as people," Jamie said. "No, if Tara says a human needs to go, verify she's herself and free of foreign interferences and then do it."

"B-but I wouldn't!" Tara stuttered out in shock.

Jamie nodded. "Exactly, that's why you're trusted to give the order without researching the target if it's an emergency. Normal process for taking down a human target has a lot of checks and is a last resort measure. Xander trusts that the only way Tara would say a human has to die is if she knew beyond a shadow of a doubt."

"I – actually I can't argue with that," Buffy admitted.

"Wh-what!" Tara exclaimed wide eyed.

"Yeah, I can't see Tara doing that unless all other options had been exhausted and it was the very last resort," Dawn agreed.

"It's true, honey," Willow assured her. "It just means in a worst case scenario he trusts your judgment enough to skip all his usual checks, much like I do."

"Oh," Tara said blushing.

"So what's the second addendum?" Dawn asked.

"Same rule if she asks for anything sexual, with a side note about making sure both Pirate Queen costumes are period accurate and a thirty page script," Jamie said cheerfully.

"Well," Dawn said as everyone else just stared in shock, "I didn't see that one coming. Any other modifiers on that?"

"Yeah, but they're just technical details about lighting and video cameras, so let me know in advance so I can get the right equipment," Jamie told Tara.

"Both pirate queen outfits?" Dawn asked.

"The cabin boy outfit has already been checked for authenticity," Jamie assured her. "And he said it'd fit a woman if needed."

"So Xander's in hell?" Buffy quietly interjected, desperate to change the subject. "How did that happen?"

"His ex-girlfriend, Cordelia Chase, was the one who requested some work done at the Hyperion hotel in LA. While she was giving him a hug they shared a vision that lead the group to believe he would be needed to help rescue a missing college student," Jamie explained.

"They shared a vision," Willow asked, having kept in touch with Cordelia and knowing about her job as seer for Angel Investigations.

"Yes and though he wasn't sure whether the vision was shared because he was supposed to go along or because of his own gift of second sight, he decided it was best to error on the side of caution," Jamie finished.

"Xander has second sight?" Buffy asked.

"Yes, but having it his entire life he never realized it until I pointed out some discrepancies that I noticed," Jamie explained.

"Puts a whole new spin on the pirate costumes," Dawn said, causing Tara and Willow to freeze. "I don't suppose one of them is in my size?"

"Dawn!" Buffy yelled.

*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*

"You must be an angel," Fred said in wonder, once she'd eaten one of the precious tacos, Xander had brought with him.

She was nervous and twitching, talking and glancing around as rapidly as possible.

Xander looked at the cave Winifred had lived in for the past years and the mathematical formulas on the walls, like the ancient cave paintings of their distant ancestors, but instead of telling the story of an animal they hunted and killed they told of her stalking down an idea and making it real. "Just a man who bought the big value pack and discovered he wasn't all that hungry," Xander replied. "I'm here to rescue you."

"I've had dreams like this before," she said suddenly slowing down to something approaching normal. "Of course they took place just after I had my weekly bath and I had a more comfortable bed made of bearskin."

"Weekly bath?" Xander asked.

"Yeah," she agreed. "Too dangerous to bathe in the river every day, so I go once every four days."

"If it's every four days, why do you call it a weekly bath?" he asked curiously, finding her babble with a slight Texas twang adorable.

"According to my calculations the days here are thirty hours long which means four days here is equal to five of our days and thus a week."

"That's only five days, what about... there are no weekends in hell," he said in understanding.

"Exactly," she agreed as she took off her sack dress in one smooth motion, revealing she was much too thin and Pylea did not know any secrets, much less Victoria's.

"What are you doing?" Xander asked nervously as she climbed onto his lap.

"Even if this dream is a little dirty, since I had my bath yesterday and not today, I still intend to enjoy it," she said cheerfully.

"It's not a dream," he told her as she unbuttoned his shirt.

"Old Spice," she said, leaning her face in the side of his neck and taking a deep sniff. "My dad was a construction worker when he was younger, he wears Old Spice and Taco Bell is my favorite food. The fact that it's been one day since my last bath just emphasizes it's a kinky dream, if only a little."

Xander hugged her and stroked her back trying to calm her down a little and it seemed to work as she stopped trying to strip him and instead snuggled into his arms and hugged him hard.

"OK, maybe I need comfort more than sex right now, lord knows I haven't felt safe in a long time. I guess my mind is trying to sneak in a little along with the naughty bits." Her breath hitched and she shook as she began to cry. "It's just so hard. I-I can't remember the last time I felt safe and m-my memories of home are fading. Is the Earth real or am, I just a c-cow with a vivid imagination?"

"The Earth is real and so am I," he promised her. "You aren't dreaming."

"B-but it all fits together so well!" she protested.

"Sometimes a cigar is just a cigar," he replied.

"Fred wiggled. "That's not a cigar, it feels like something I saw in a porno and not real life. In real life they're smaller."

"You naked and wiggling is causing that," he assured her. "How can I prove you're not dreaming?"

"I don't think you can," she admitted. "I'll need sensory data that isn't available in a dream, which means it'd require my actions to cause sensory feedback."

Xander raised an eyebrow.

"I'd need to pinch myself," she explained.

Xander grinned.

She jumped a little and her eyes got wide. "You just pinched me and I... I'm awake. This is real!"

"Yes, this is real," Xander told the young woman on his lap.

"And, and I'm naked," she said turning red. "I'm naked and haven't been able to shave my legs or trim the hedges in a couple of years, so it looks like an equatorial rain forest down there! And I haven't bathed since yesterday."

"None of which matters a whit because you are a beautiful young woman, even with all those things and I'm here to rescue you and take you back to Earth."

"You'd need hedge trimmers just to go down on me," she babbled still worried about her personal hygiene. "And my improvised dental care has kept my teeth clean and intact, but my experimental tooth paste has colored my teeth a little blue and my tongue tastes of liquorish. And, oh I, god, I can't stop talking!"

Xander pressed his lips to hers and silenced her for a few minutes. "I like liquorish," he told her when he pulled back to let her breathe.

"Can you close your eyes so I can get dressed?" she asked. "I know you've already seen it all, at least from the front, where the hair is thick enough to practically be wool leggings and a pair of fuzzy panties, but that's lacking in the rear which means I'd be presenting-"

"Closed eyes," Xander interrupted putting a hand across his eyes.

"Fred reluctantly climbed of his lap and quickly put back on her sack dress. "OK, I'm dressed again. Thank you for not peeking, though I am a little disappointed that you didn't, even though I'm relieved that you're honorable, it would be nice to be attractive-"

Xander took his hand off his eyes and interrupted her, "I am very attracted, you're beautiful and intelligent, which it what I find attractive and if you don't believe me sit on my lap and feel for yourself, but I am here to rescue you and get you home, not take advantage of you. Especially when we don't have birth control on us."

Fred's eyes darted down to glance at the bulge in his pants, before quickly looking away, cheeks a bright red. "I don't know what you must think of me, I mean I can't tell reality from fantasy and stripped right in front of you-"

Xander kissed her again.

"Did you do that to calm me down or because you want to?" she asked, once she regained her breath, situated on Xander's lap once more.

"Both," Xander assured her.

"If only I had a machete," she said with a sigh before kissing him again.

"I am here to rescue you," Xander reminded her. "I and a handful of friends, triggered the portal to come here and take you home."

"It's been years, my parents probably think I'm dead," she said sadly.

"It's only been a couple of months back in LA," he told her. "Time passes quicker here, I'm guessing."

"Time!" she said excitedly jumping off his lap and running to the wall, her fingers tracing a couple of mathematical formulas. "That's it!"

"What's it?" Xander asked, wishing he had a cold shower available.

"My calculations assumed a stable time frame between the two planes, but if it's variable-"

"It's stable," Xander interrupted her. "It's about twelve to one I'm guessing, but it's stable.

"Then... Then... I don't know why I couldn't open a portal home," she said frustrated and near tears. "I made sure I was in the same place and used the right harmonics!"

"The energies needed to open the portal takes time to replenish," Xander said, recalling Wesley's explanation. "If you want to open a portal in the same place you have to wait ninety days LA time."

"Meaning three years here," she said slowly. "This means... I can get us home!"

"We'll have to get my friends first," Xander said. "They have a book which should make it easy as pie."

Fred blinked a couple of times. "The book... It didn't travel through with me."

Xander shrugged unconcerned. "One of the friends I came with is a local from here that chose to move to LA. I'm sure he knows how to get back."

Fred glanced out of the cave at the sinking sun. "We'll have to wait until tomorrow, it's not safe out once the sun sets, I mean it's not safe during the day, but the night... It's... What's a word for more unsafe than unsafe, because it's that!"

"We'll wait," he promised her.

"OK," she said calming down. "I've got a bed, it's made of fresh leaves and pretty soft, though it's no bearskin. Would like to share it with me?" she asked blushing. "I'm not asking for sex, just warmth and maybe some snuggling-"

"I'd love to," Xander interrupted her.

"I've got it back farther in the cave, so I wouldn't be discovered," she said taking his hand and pulling him towards the rear of the cave. "It also has a back way in, not out because I'm not sure where the tunnels lead, just that they lead into the ground and not out of it."

There was a small chamber off to the left that they had to crawl to enter, but opened up into an almost circular chamber with a high ceiling and a sandy floor. There was a quartz vein that crossed the ceiling and carried in a little of the fading sunlight so they weren't in total darkness. Fred had a nice soft pile of leaves and reeds along with another sack stuffed with leaves to make a pillow. As soon as they were inside she lifted up a piece of the floor that turned out to be a large section of bark with sand glued to it with tree sap. It fit perfectly over the hole they crawled in through.

"We aren't totally safe here, but we're mostly safe. I saw this small little lizard spray something that smelled like burnt cinnamon and rubber that drove off the pig-dogs they use for tracking and even the trackers so I've made sure to find and annoy one enough to cover the front entrance to the cave," she explained.

Xander removed his tool belt and boots and laid down. "I love smart women," he said with a grin.

Fred crawled next to him and got comfortable, her face only an inch from his. "Can we kiss some more?"

"Yes, yes we can," Xander agreed.

*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*

Angel watched the sunset with a certain amount of awe. It'd been centuries since he'd seen the sun, but for some reason the sunlight in Pylea didn't burn him.

"If you get any happier, I'm going to have to do something to make you unhappy," Gunn warned him from near the campfire where he sat with Wesley and the escaped 'cows' that made up the human resistance movement.

"The knowledge that it's only temporary and we have to find Cordelia, Xander, and Lorne who are lost and in danger should be enough to keep his soul firmly where it belongs," Wesley said as he grilled a lizard on a stick.

Angel sighed. "Not to mention what Willow and Dawn would do to me for losing Xander."

"Not Buffy and Rupert?" Wesley asked.

"They'd accept the fact that he insisted on including himself and that I had no control over events," Angel replied. "Willow and Dawn would only care that he was gone and I wasn't."

"At least they're only human," Wesley said.

"They'd blame you too," Angel pointed out dryly.

"If we consider where we landed as equidistant from a central point," Wesley said quickly scratching a diagram in the sand as he tried to figure out where Xander had landed.

"Who are Dawn and Willow?" Gunn asked Angel as Wesley was working on where their missing friends were.

"Willow is a fairly powerful witch and computer hacker who Xander refers to as the other half of his brain, which is probably accurate. Dawn is Buffy's little sister, who has a... yen for Xander and thanks to hanging around them, has picked up just enough of a lot of things to be dangerous," Angel explained.

"And why did we bring him along again?" Gunn asked, thinking Xander sounded more like a liability than a help.

"Because he's Robin," Angel said.

"Robin?" Gunn asked.

"From Batman and Robin," Angel said. "He dresses brightly to draw attention and distract the enemy, making our job easier."

"He's also an excellent outside the box thinker," Wesley added as he finished his calculations.

"That box is called sanity," Angel said dryly. "But he's right."

"So he should be fine and this is part of 'Sunnydale Syndrome' where everyone thinks he's made of glass and worried about him?" Gunn asked.

"That and he's not here to make the jokes himself," Angel admitted. "He's the first one to make jokes at his own expense and keep everyone in a good mood."

"Yeah?" Gunn asked getting an idea. "Well I hear Xander has only two speeds: Walk and kill."

Wesley laughed and Angel grinned.

"In fact, before the boogie man goes to bed every night he checks under the bed for Xander Harris," Gunn said, not noticing how the resistance fighters were listening,

Angel smirked, thinking of how annoying Cordelia and Xander would find these. "Xander Harris once donated a gallon of blood using a bucket and a rusty icepick."

"Xander Harris once got mad and punched the Hellmouth," Wesley said and waited till the other two looked at him before adding the punchline, "He knocked out three of its teeth."

"Xander Harris doesn't sleep... he waits!" Gunn said somberly while laughing inside.

"Xander Harris' tears can cure vampirism," Angel announced. "Too bad he never cries."

"Female vampires burst into flames at the sight of his manhood," Gunn said. "Turns out it has enough worshipers to be considered a holy symbol."

"It's a little known fact that the midgard serpent doesn't actually exist," Wesley said. "It's actually just Xander's penis when he forgets to zip up all the way."

"However the prophecy of Thor's death by it still remains valid," Angel added.

The three continued telling jokes for another half hour until everyone but the lookouts laid down to sleep as the sun sank and the stars came out.

"You ain't sleeping?" Gunn asked Angel.

"I'm a vampire," Angel reminded him. "Unless daylight forces me to hibernate, I don't need to sleep."

"Well, night," Gunn replied.

"Night," Angel said joining the lookouts in watching the night for dangers.

Typed by: Maltor