'A failed assassination'

Despite my earlier indignation regarding the furry rodent, I soon visited the squeaky thing for a daily dose of minor entertainment. I took the elevator to the commander's cabin, and turned the corner to see the rodent. Without bothering to knock, I passed my omni-tool over the door's lock, only to hear EDI's voice denying me entry.

'The commander has requested that this door stays closed.'

'EDI, I don't care. Open the door, or I will manually.' I cracked my knuckles, preparing to either hack the door or punch through it as I saw fit. I could hear the rodent squeaking steadily through the doors, louder than usual.

'Javik, I cannot-'
'EDI, open the door.'
'...Very well, Javik.'

I watched the door open, and walked in to see the hamster. Immediately, the hamster stopped squeaking.

'Why did you stop? I will not wait to shoot you this time, Davis.'
'JAVIK, WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN HERE? GET OUT.'

Turning my head, I witness the horrid site of the green and red assassin impaling the commander, with his... appendage. The commander seemed flushed, her eyes dewy, and she quickly grabbed a nearby pillow, throwing it towards me and targeting my face, the missile hitting its mark with a loud thwack!

'JAVIK, I SAID, GET OUT!'
'I know what you said, I'm just not listening.'

The drell had grabbed the nearby blanket and thrown it over their still conjoined forms, covering any obscenities and earning a rumbling laugh on my behalf.

'Do I smell Keplar's? It seems like you're in remission.'

'Get out, Javik.'

'What? Ashamed of your failed attempt, Drell? You're primitive in more ways than one, it seems.'

The drell lithely removed himself from in the bed, quickly taking a pair of pants off the floor and pulling them on in one smooth motion, a growl ripping out of his throat as he turned suddenly, pouncing on me and knocking me to the ground. He was quick, I would give him that, giving me barely a second to react as he attempted to strangle me, ripping a laugh from my throat.

Primitive.

'You can at least put a shirt on, Drell. Your assassination attempt has failed.'

Turning the tides, I shifted my weight, rolling myself onto him and then releasing him, too proud to cause him any , wrapped in the blanket, came quickly and picked him off the ground, the assassin's wounded pride quickly repaired by a light kiss from the commander, earning a grimace on my behalf.

'Commander, may I ask why he was inside of you?'
'What?'
'Was he attempting to assassinate you?'
'Javik, what are you ta-'
'Commander, the assassin was trying to kill you.'
'Javik, he wasn't trying to kill me.'
'Then what were you doing?'
'Um, whatever your species did to, uh, reproduce...?'
'Explain this.'
'Look, Javik. Maybe you should talk to someone a bit more knowledgeable on Prothean reproduction, like, uh, Liara!''

The commander began pushing me out the door, and I dug my heels into the ground, turning quickly back into the room to procure Davis, hugging the cage protectively to my chest as the small, indignant rodent squeaked at me.

'I didn't come for you anyways, I came to satisfy my craving of Davis.'
'You're not planning to eat him, are you?'
'No, silly human, calm yourself. You can allow your feeble drell to attempt to mate with you now.'

I turned, starting to walk out the door, waving a hand dismissively. It shut behind me, and I waited. The squeaking resumed, which I promptly ignored, ambling down to my quarters to play with Davis.

'Hopefully, you will not attempt to mate with me as the Drell is attempting with the Commander, Davis.'

I walked over to the intercom and pressed the button.
'EDI, get me Liara.'
'Yes, Javik.'

I waited a couple minutes until she responded.

'Javik. You wanted me?'
'I just wanted to ask you how Protheans engaged in reproduction.'
'What is compelling you to ask this now?'
'Go up the commander's private quarters. That should be enough explanation.'

Liara audibly choked on something, coughing a few times, then took a gasp of air, a giggle breaking through.

'Who? Thane or Garrus? I've had a bet on Thane for a while now but Vega insists that she has a fetish for scars.'

The blue one seems almost too excited about this.

Clearing my throat, she brought her attention back to me, then began a long winded explanation explaining the two different mating processes that brought bile to my throat, one similar to the human ritual, another that seemed more normal to me. Thanking her, I shut off the intercom, placing the rodent near the basin of water in my room and eying him as he hoisted his chubby body unto the wheel that dominated his cage, beginning his endless exercise of running aimlessly.