He couldn't explain the true feeling if he tried, no matter how often he experienced. He couldn't feel his limbs. He couldn't speak. He felt like something was squeezing him until his lungs were devoid of all air. The walls appeared like they were wobbling and closing in. Stark wanted nothing more than to run... escape. He didn't know from what- his own body? His mind? He couldn't run, though. He was trapped- and that was the most terrifying realization of them all.
For the first time in years, Tony felt his panic attack consume him.
He didn't have any strength to fight back. Without even realizing what he was doing, Stark stumbled past the figures in the room. He didn't even have the capacity to remember or visualize who was who. He just knew he needed to get away. Again though, it was like trying to escape something inescapable. A feeling of complete loss of control.
"Stark, hey."
"Tony..."
"Boss, sit down for a minute."
Tony could hear everyone speaking to him at once but he wasn't listening in the slightest. His vision blurred and he tried to fight through tunnel vision. Stark's hand found the edge of the door and he gripped it tightly as if it was his last attempt at gripping reality.
She's gone. He's gone too. They're all gone.
"I just-" Tony tried to speak words. He didn't even recognize his own voice.
"Hey." Steve's voice sounded way too loud as if it were coming from inside Tony's own head. He felt a strong hand on his shoulder, trying to stop him from leaving. Tony's reflexes kicked in and he aggressively ripped his shoulder away.
"Don't!" he warned, stumbling out into the hallway and turning the corner into a new passageway where no one could see him and his mental break-down. Tony pushed his back up against the wall. He turned his eyes towards the ceiling where fluorescent lights beamed a much-too-harsh light down on him. Closing his eyes, Stark tried to focus on breathing, but it was almost as if he couldn't remember how. He took short, choppy, wheezy breaths in and out, feeling his lungs burn with effort.
"Uh... Does that happen often?" Tony could hear Rocket's voice from around the corner.
"Not exactly..." Thor's voice followed, obviously still confused about what just happened.
"Well, actually..." Rhodey countered. It went quiet.
"What actually? This has happened before?" Steve asked authoritatively.
"Er... Ever since New York." Bruce reluctantly piped in. "He's really been beating himself up about this for a long time."
"We've all been stressed, but we're not having full blown panic attacks. Why didn't he tell us?" Natasha questioned.
"Yeah, Tony's gonna sit us all down 'round the campfire and tell us about his feelings." Rhodey mocked sarcastically.
"Point taken."
The rest of the voices became murmurs, most belonging to Cap. Tony wasn't paying attention anyway. His eyes frantically wandered around, trying to find something to focus on; something to tether himself to reality. Instead, he found himself looks up at the second-floor balcony. Wanda's door was up there, covered in posters and art and other angsty things that Tony poked fun at her for. He always forgot how young she was though, barely pushing 20.
Vision's door was next to hers. An idea Tony had started with, come to life in ways he never could've imagined himself. He had a part in creating Vision. Something Tony never admitted was how truly proud he was to have had a part in that. Vision may not have been human, but he was just as valuable in every single way. Tony brought him into the world, but he couldn't even protect him from it.
Tony didn't like looking at things that made him remember his failure to protect his "super-family", but it seemed to be the only thing that even remotely distracted himself from his greatest failure of all.
"Shit." Tony whispered under his breath, feeling a deep ache grow in his chest. His throat acquired quite a large lump to the point where it was hurting him worse than his stab wound. Stark let his head fall as he pulled in a stuttering breath. "I'm sorry." He whispered to no one, but pretending somehow it'd reach his dead fiancee. He knew it was too late for apologies though. It was too late for everything. Sliding to the floor, he continued without being able to help himself. "I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry." He continued anyway, his voice only a raspy breath. Tears finally began to fill his eyes as the panic faded away and was replaced with a grief he had never experienced before. It was a pain he wouldn't wish on anyone- anyone but Thanos who he hoped would die of ache that was one billion times worse.
Tony hadn't even realized that the murmurs around the corner had stopped. He fairly remembered the shuffle of feet fading away down the hall, leaving silence. Well, silence and one pair of footsteps left remaining. They approached him, bringing a tall figure to his side. Tony knew who it was just by his perfect posture and hero-like build. Turning his head away from Steve Rogers, Stark blinked and felt tears escape down his cheeks. Cap sat down next to him.
"Tony..."
"What? Did I scare the kids?" Stark asked bitterly, sniffling and pulling a knee closer to his chest.
"Yes, you scared all of us. Why didn't you tell me you were suffering from attacks?"
"You can't fix everything with your voluptuous golden locks and patriotic prowess," Tony spat at him, facing forward so he could at least see Cap out of the corner of his eye. Immediately after the words left his mouth he regretted it, turning fully away from Steve once more. "Or everyone while we're at it." He added softly. "Not your problem, Rogers."
"Like hell, it isn't!" Steve retorted, but not with anger. Tony rolled his eyes. Even when he mocked and insulted both his appearance and personality, Steve never missed a beat with his selfless nature and emotional control. They couldn't be more day and night. "You're a member of this team. Heck, you and I- together we lead this team. We're partners. I could've-"
"We used to be. As in past tense. Because I seem to remember you running into the sunset with freaking Imperator Furiosa..."
"Stark-"
"...Fury, MIA- no help for shit, Banner and Thor frolicking around in the cosmos, and the rest of the happy family thrown in the cooler like sitting ducks. And yes, I know. That one's all on me." Tony was speaking faster, louder, and with more urgency. He was nearly shouting at this point.
"What are you saying?"
"Maybe, just maybe, if we got off our high horses and pulled our heads out of our asses, our friends and family and half of the goddamn universe wouldn't- we- we should've stuck together." Tony trailed off at the end, getting softer suddenly. "We could've been better. I could've-"
Tony felt the ring between his fingers again and lost it, the breath escaping his body without returning. He closed the small piece of jewelry in his hand and turned from Rogers again, tears threatening to spill over his face. Tony gritted his teeth and willed for his friend to just leave. And yes, he truly meant his friend. No matter what happened in the past or how much Rogers irked him, he was still one of his closest friends, and it wasn't just because Tony had trouble making friends either.
"I'm sorry, Tony."
"I actually thought-" Tony's voice broke and he instantly stopped. "Ughh..." he groaned, shaking his head as if to reset himself. He took a deep breath and started again.
"I actually thought it was getting better. I mean... You left, the team broke up and that sucked, but Pep and I..."
It hurt like hell to say her name, especially his nickname for her.
"...we finally got to a good place. I had the kid; probably the closest thing I'll ever get to my own. Well, now anyway."
Tony thought about his dream of Pepper and him having a kid of their own for a split second and then instantly had to divert his thoughts at lightning speed.
"Not that I ever told him that. And New York... After six years, six years, of bugging out over damn alien ghosts haunting me from space, I thought it might be safe to relax; live a bit. Finally tie the knot with Miss Potts."
Tony felt a sturdy hand on his shoulder for a moment before it slipped off again. Then silence. The two of them sat in it for a while.
"Uh, hey guys." Banner's voice startled Tony. Cap and Stark looked up. "We're almost ready for Tony in the med lab."
Steve stood and offered a hand out to Stark. He accepted and allowed Rogers to help him to his feet, grimacing against the pain in his side. Tiredly, he wrapped an arm around Cap's shoulders and together they headed back to his room in silence. What was there left to say?
The three Avengers were nearing Tony's doorway, and that's when shit hit the fan. Things moved so fast. Shouts were heard from the lobby; glass shattering, weapons colliding, lighting being summoned... The next thing Tony knew, Steve was lightly shoving him into his room, holding his hand out as if to tell him to stay.
"Hang back on this one. We've got it." Cap told him. Sure, Tony was beaten down, buried in grief, and exhausted as hell, but he still didn't like Rogers thinking he could bench him. He was about to chase after Steve and Banner who were already halfway to the lobby, but his wound had other ideas. Stark winced and instead gripped the door frame tightly while watching as "Thanos's children" flooded the facility.
Panic gripped Stark in a new way; not in the incapacitating way that an attack did, but in an adrenaline pumping, reflex kicking way. He was suddenly overcome with anger and defensiveness. This was his compound that he built for his team. He wouldn't ever admit it, but he put endless time and effort into creating this place, this... home for everyone. He may have lost a lot in the past couple hours, but he was just starting to realize that he didn't lose everything. As Rogers had plainly put it in that stupid, heartening letter, the Avengers were Tony's family. Now, they truly were all he had left... and they were currently fighting for their lives against more of those twisted alien bastards.
Stark took a deep breath and straightened, gritting his teeth against the pain. God, he hoped this wouldn't do him in. And if it did...
Oh well. He thought.
The quinjet descended into the chaos surrounding the compound. Pepper pressed her shoulder against the window and tried to get a better look. Glass was shattered everywhere, a few columns obliterated, and the grass torn up. The moving bodies were too small to distinguish who or even what was down there, but they started to come into focus as they soared closer.
"I need everyone on high alert once we hit the ground." Phil was saying behind her. She had decided to put flipping out over Phil Coulson on hold until bigger matters were resolved. He tried to explain what had happened ever since he was presumed dead... wait no, he was dead. Or wasn't he? Pepper didn't understand but honestly, she didn't have much incentive to understand at the moment.
The quinjet hit the ground with a lurch and Pepper shot up. The hatch started opening, and she was the first one out, Phil calling after her.
"Miss Potts! Miss Potts, please if you would stay back just for now-"
Pepper ignored him and hurriedly walked over the ruined terrain to a giant shattered window that was reduced to only a frame. Through it, there was too much going on to take in at once. The first person she saw was Steve Rogers with a new beard but lacking his shield. He was slamming his fist into a nightmare-ish looking alien entity that ran on all muscular fours and screamed through rows and rows of jagged teeth. Most of the aliens were of this species that she saw. Otherwise, there were more civil looking... things fighting in opposite corners of the lobby.
There was quite a mix of people there from Nat to decorated Wakandan warriors to... was that a raccoon? All of the battling before her wasn't even close to the worst part though- it was that Tony wasn't there like she had prayed he would be. Her heart sank a bit, but she didn't let it keep her back from what she knew she could do to help. Locating the southwest hallway, Pepper eyed the fighting raging before her and looked for an outlet. She was going to have to run, and if she was attacked...
Pepper looked down at her hand and tried to summon her glow, but it was dormant. Alright, so she just would have to avoid getting caught. Taking a deep breath and refraining from thinking too much, Pepper hopped over the window frame and sprinted through the chaos. She had a clear path to the southwest wing until one of those repulsive, fleshy creatures took a running leap straight for her path. Thinking quick on instinct, Pepper kicked her legs out from under her and slid underneath the beast's path. It flew over her, it's back claw barely grazing against her forearm that she held above her face for protection. It must've been sharp as Hell, because she didn't feel her skin tearing or any contact at all. But when Pepper pulled herself back up on her feet and continued running, her arm stung and she could feel the heat of her own blood running down towards her wrist. She kept running.
"Pepper?" An alarmed voice shouted over the violence. Pepper whipped around to come face to face with a very confused Bruce Banner. She was confused as to why he didn't "go green" for this particular situation, but she didn't have time to ask.
"Get all of the new people off the first floor." She instructed through heavy breathing. He just looked at her, dumbfounded. "Bruce!"
"I- Okay, okay..." He stuttered, turning and trotting off towards the new Avengers. It was then when Pepper realized all of them were stealing looks at her now, wide-eyed and in awe. Fear gripped her chest as she realized the worst, but most realistic explanation; Tony was dead and they were fearing to tell her. Pepper quickly wiped away the thought and kept her mind set on what she was aiming to do.
Sprinting down the hallway, Pepper bid her past self a silent thank you for slipping on TOMS shoes before leaving the house rather than any of her other less practical footwear. She saw her destination at the end of the long stretch- the Security Control Center or "SCC" as Tony always referred to it. Inside held controls to activate any range of defensive tech and weapons installed around the compound to ward off intruders. Typically, it could be activated by F.R.I.D.A.Y through Tony's suit, but she had all the access codes. Pepper just prayed she hadn't forgotten them.
She so frantically typed in the code on the holographic keypad that she didn't even realize she was remembering the codes before she was punching them in. The door opened with a pop and air-release sound. Soon Pepper was standing surrounded by a giant holographic cylinder. F.R.I.D.A.Y spoke up.
"Good Evening, Miss Potts. What can I-"
"Uh, deploy the, uh..." She desperately tried to remember the names of the defense systems Tony had taught her in case of an emergency. She probably should've been listening better, but he starts talking tech and she zones out and rather focuses on the facial expressions he makes when explaining his creations. She did love that.
Instead of trying to remember, she swiped her hand through the air to browse the different functions.
"FRE 7546." She said, tapping on the screen for good measure. The particular defense used the cameras around the compound's lobby to recognize people in the old S.H.I.E.L.D database along with every Avenger, save from the new ones. People or creatures that weren't recognized instantly received 1,000 kilovolts, enough to knock a substantial subject down on their ass. That's why Pepper needed all new people evacuated, not that they'd be killed per se, but-
"Shit, Cap!" Pepper heard Natasha's voice yell. She stepped back into the hallway and looked forward towards the lobby to see that somehow one of those creatures had escaped the blast of voltage and was charging straight for her.
Everything happened lightning quick. Pepper took a few stumbling steps back into the control room, gripping the edge of the giant, reinforced door to attempt closing it manually; it wouldn't budge. Pepper knew she had to press the button so it could shut automatically, but that would be much too slow. The beast was making record timing and she expected the impact in less than two seconds. The only thing left to do was...
"Come on," Pepper whispered to herself, looking down at her glow barely showed itself in the tips of fingers. Her stomach lurched as she realized this was it. She was helpless.
A very familiar sound exuded from her right. It was muffled, coming through the walls of glass that made up the entire right side of the hallway. She'd recognize that sound anywhere though. She was pretty sure everyone in the world would recognize that sound anywhere.
The sound of the repulsor charging up finished with a deafening blast, sending glass splaying out everywhere. Pepper would've shrieked from surprise if she even had time to process. She cringed back and crossed her arms in front of her face by reflex. She was glad she did, because small pieces of glass rained down on her.
Meanwhile, the alien animal was blasted into the opposite wall with a burst of light in no time. It hit with a sickening thud and squish. Miraculously, it was still kicking. It pushed itself to its feet aggressively, whipping its ugly head around to the source of the attack. If the thing had emotions, Pepper was sure it would look bewildered, completely blindsided by what the hell just struck it. Pepper knew though, and she didn't think she had ever been so relieved and ecstatic. She felt her whole body slump into the doorframe that she gripped for support. She wasn't hurt- she was just overcome with assuagement.
Tony burst through any glass that was remaining. Pepper mentally rolled her eyes. Him and his dramatic entrances.
"Iron Man" stamped monster in the face, sending it sprawling to the floor. He extended his arm fired something into its snarling mouth. Tony stepped back and raised a titanium-clad arm in front of him to shield from a small explosion that engulfed and finally finished the creature. Silence fell over the compound. Dust fell gently from the ceiling, filling the air in between Tony and Pepper. It only took a few seconds for her to realize that he hadn't even seen her yet.
"Rogers..." Tony said, his helmet falling back. He stepped over the mutilated remains on the floor and started walking towards all the Avengers who had gathered at the end of the hallway, staring back at them. "I don't care how many 'bromance' moments we have, don't put me on the bench again."
The only person who was calm and collected in the group of heroes was Steve Rogers who stood at the head of the pack with his shoulders high and squared towards Tony. He crossed his arms in front of his chest with a little smirk as if to say 'I know something you don't'.
"Tony." he calmly said, stopping Tony from walking any further. Pepper watched her fiancee cock his head to the side questioningly. She couldn't help but let a thin smile spread across her face, biting her lip to try to keep from breaking down right then and there. So many things could've gone wrong. He was in space for one. There were countless awful ways to die up there. He was in an evil aliens spacecraft; enough said. And half the world fell away to dust. How was Pepper to know that he wasn't one of them until right then?
Attention turning back to Steve, Pepper watched Captain Rogers nod his head towards her. They made eye contact and he gave her an acknowledging small bow of his head. She smiled back, taking in the other Avengers astounded gazes until turning her gaze back to the one thing she had so desperately longed to see the most.
"Tony," Cap said, a smug little smirk on his face. Tony frowned. What the hell was his deal? Stark was sure the Captain would be pissed that he ignored his... Tony would call it a 'light suggestion'. Tony was about to join the fight when he remembered all the defensive measures he installed around the base. He was making his way over to the SCC when he saw the disgusting blob of vicious flesh through the glass. Stark couldn't help himself.
This was weird though. Steve looked as if he was in on some big joke that only Tony didn't know about. Captain America was hardly one to ever crack a smile. Honestly, Tony didn't think he wore many expressions apart from dead-panned sobriety and sultry nobility. Now certainly was an odd time to start experimenting with new ones.
Stark whipped his head around to see what all the hullabaloo was about. Every moment after that was... inexplicable.
Actually, it was strangely similar to a panic attack but minus the panic. A... happiness attack? As dumb as that sounded, but that's what it felt like. His chest tightened, his stomach flipped, his throat grew another swelling lump, and his breathing stopped altogether as if he moved the tiniest of muscles, she'd be gone forever once again. But there she was, stepping out of the SCC wearing his Black Sabbath shirt with her hair tousled, blood trekking down her right arm, and eyes still red; most likely from crying, he noted painfully, remembering returning to those same tired eyes every time he came home from missions. She was so real, right there in front of him. Please let her be real. Tony couldn't imagine why she wouldn't be, but it seemed too good to be true and in these times, you never knew.
There were very few moments where Tony Stark was rendered speechless. Needless to say, this one he would remember the most.
"I thought for sure you'd ditched me and run off with some alien bitch." She joked. "Or... you know, died." Pepper finished with some sass, but what was new. Tony began slowly walking forward. He wasn't sure what was making his legs move, but it sure didn't feel like it was him.
"And that's the first thing you'd do?" Tony managed to play along, fighting to get out words. "Steal all my clothes?"
Pepper chuckled and looked down at the Black Sabbath shirt, gripping the hem in her hands. Tony released his suit and let it retract from around him. He stepped forward onto the floor of shattered glass in his running shoes that he was still wearing from that morning. Christ, this has been the longest day.
"Do me a favor," Tony reached in his pocket and pulled out the ring. Pepper's eyes widened upon seeing it. ", and hold onto this, will ya? It's like, your one job until the wedding." The wedding. The word used to be extremely anxiety-inducing to even think about just minutes ago, but now it was something that Tony could once again look forward to. It existed again. Honestly, Stark was impressed by his ability to keep his demeanor somewhat together on the outside. He and everyone around him knew that his insides were anything but.
"My one job? You're joking." She said flatly. They both were walking towards each other slowly now, approaching cautiously as if afraid that one or the other would suddenly disappear into, well, dust. "Why don't you find the venue, pick the flowers, make invitations, hire-"
Pepper stopped dead in the middle of her sentence. The gap was closed and there they were. The first thing Tony did was reach his hand forward with the ring. Pepper held out her own hand for him to slide it back where it belonged. Even just the graze of his fingertips on the backs of her hands sent warmth through his body. His mind begged him to wrap her in his arms and hold her tightly until the end of times, but he body was just not responding. Instead, he stood there, admiring her and letting her reach a hand up to gently touch his face.
"You look like Hell." she said with a low voice, brushing her thumb across his cheekbone. Tony closed his eyes and leaned into her touch, savoring the feeling that he thought he had lost forever.
"Worse than that one night in Rio?" Tony asked with a small smile, his voice even softer.
"By far," she whispered.
"That is bad."
Tony finally found it in himself to move already. Their casual banter helped a lot, actually. He let his fingertips graze up her arms and run up the sides of her neck until he ever-so-gently cupped her face in his hands. His smile had fallen away completely and he was left standing there just watching her and thinking about how only seconds ago, he was so sure that she was gone.
"Tony?" Pepper inquired worriedly, noticing the expression he wore. Stark took a shuddering breath and let his hands fall to her waist as his arms snaked around her torse, pulling her in close to him and holding her tightly. She circled her own arms around him, sliding her hands underneath his jacket and over his back, feeling the fabric of his thin t-shirt and the muscles underneath. Tony shifted his right hand to fall over the small of her back and he pulled her in even tighter, burying his face in her neck and smelling her hair.
The whole world fell apart today. Lots of people died. Lots of people that he truly cared about, just dead for good. But right now in this small moment while holding Pepper, his Pepper, Stark was happy. It was the end of the world and she still had the power to do that for him.
The one thing she couldn't do, however, was make the true physical pain in his side disappear. After a few moments of just standing there, probably squeezing the life out of Pepper, Tony began to notice his wound again. It started as a dull ache, then a sharp jab, and then it grew from there. Tony involuntarily made a small groan-whimper noise and his right leg buckled underneath him. Luckily, he was holding onto Pepper so securely that he was able to regain his stability. Her hands moved quickly to grip his biceps.
"Hey, are you okay?"
Tony coughed and winced against the pain it brought. He pulled back out of Pepper's grasp and stumbled a bit, coughing once more. This time, he brought his hand back tainted with blood.
"Tony!" Pepper exclaimed, her voice tinged with terror.
Bruce emerged from where all of the rest of the Avengers had been apparently standing and watching this whole time. He ran down the trashed hallway to Stark's side who was having trouble seeing clearly now.
"Hey, we're going to get you to the med bay." Banner said, putting a hand on Tony's shoulder. Tony couldn't focus on what he was saying, though. Voices started sounding distant and objects were becoming blurry. "Now!" Banner shouted, looking to the Avengers for some assistance. Tony felt a large presence at his side as he staggered sideways, nearly collapsing into the rubble. Thor put a giant hand on Stark's shoulder to steady him.
"We've got incoming!" Rhodey's voice shouted from somewhere in the distance. That didn't sound good. Tony desperately wanted to snap out of it and be a part of the action, but something was happening- something bad.
"We need to get out of here. This is the first place Thanos is going to keep sending these things." That girl Shuri spoke up.
"What we need is to get Tony to the operating table now."
"We don't have time."
"If we transport him, I doubt he'll be able to make it this time."
"Shit..."
Natasha and Bruce argued. Tony felt a hand gripping his own through the commotion. It was really the only thing tethering him to reality. Pepper entwined her fingers with his and gently grazed the inside of his forearm with her nails. She knew he absolutely loved that. He knew she was probably confused and worried as to why he was nearly passing out and coughing up blood, but he just couldn't find the strength right now to tell her.
In the same respect, a new wave of nausea washed over Stark. The pain shot through him like a knife and was more relentless than usual. Tony felt himself slip away, Thor's massive arms barely catching him before he hit the ground. The last things he thought were,
1. He needed to stop suddenly passing out in front of the team; it was embarrassing.
2. It would suck if he died right after getting Pepper back.
