Chapter 4

Travelodge
Des Planes, IL
"L.D.S.K"

It took a long time for him to make this call; a long time to try to organize his thoughts, his emotions. But in the end the moment he dialed it was all useless.

"Willow Wood Ranch."

"May I speak to Kate please?"

"Hold on a moment."

A moment later, "Hey, Roo."

"Hey Kanga, what are you doing?"

"Making chocolate susans using up some of the Halloween candy." There was a pause, during which he heard what he recognized as the patio door click. "You sound a little off there hun."

"I am off. I had to shoot someone today."

"Oh Roo."

"No, it's all right. He was holding people hostage in this emergency room and SWAT was going to come in and it was going to be a bloodbath. I...I told you how I didn't pass my firearms qualification and so I wasn't armed and Hotch was there and he was trying to get into the Unsub's head. And, you know, to do that he had to say all of these things that…I mean he sounded just like Stas and…and…"

"Spencer." Her voice was calming, grounding. "Breathe. Just breathe."

In and out. In and out. "He didn't say anything really horrible, and I knew what he was trying to do, but for a moment it felt…it felt… it felt real and I kept expecting him to call me…"

"Spencer." This time it was a warning.

He nodded even though she couldn't see. You don't call yourself those names, not ever. "I know. And he didn't, but it felt real for a moment. Then he got the Unsub to let him kick me around."

"Spencer!"

"No, no, I'm fine. He didn't even leave real marks, you know. But I was able to get his gun and I kept thinking I can't do this, I can't do this. Don't they know that I can't do this, I can't protect myself, I just can't. And then Dowd saw that Hotch's ankle holster was empty and he lifted his gun and I didn't think I just turned and fired and…and I caught him right between the eyes."

"Oh my lord." she sounded like she had just gone through it with him.

"No, no, it's all right. I didn't think I could. I thought I was helpless. But I did it. I did."

"I always knew you could, Roo, but of all the ways to find out."

"I know. I know." It was a horrible thing, to be so proud of yourself when someone had lost their life to get you there. But there it was. At least someone understood. "I feel like, shocked and proud and disgusted and horrified all at the same time. I don't know what I feel." He looked at Hotch's .38 where it rested on the nightstand and gently traced the lethal lines. "It's just that, for the first time, I really feel like if Stas showed up tonight I might have a chance."

"Stas isn't showing up. He's in Ely and he's not coming out anytime soon."

"When is his next parole hearing?"

"Two weeks ago."

"What?" Spencer sat up a little. "I told you I wanted to go this time!"

"And I told you, Spencer, you're not going anywhere near that man again. You leave him up to the grown-ups."

"Was Gideon there?"

"Yes, he was."

Spencer sighed noisily and flopped back on the bed. "You know, I'm not a kid anymore."

"You so sure about that Dr. Reid?"

He sighed again. Yes, between the Autism and the trauma his psychological age might be closer to seventeen or eighteen than twenty-four; he was still an adult and could handle this sort of thing. But…. But… Sigh. "Thank you."

"You're welcome Roo. Now as soon as they let you I want you to try to re-qualify."

"I don't have to. Hotch said I passed."

"Try anyway. Now that you know you can."


From that point on Spencer slept with Hotch's .38 under his pillow. It didn't help the nightmares, but it did help him get back to sleep after.

Three days later Spencer went to the range with Morgan and scored a near-perfect score on his qualification.

When he got back to his desk he found a tin of chocolate susans waiting with a note written on paper decorated with Kanga and Roo.

I am very proud of you.