CHAPTER FOUR: THE RECKONING

Makoto lay awake on her couch thinking about the events of that day. Ami had surprised her with how affectionate she was at school. The little bookworm was always so quiet and reserved...but she guessed it made sense, when she thought about it. For as long as she'd known her, Ami had never really shown much interest in dating or relationships. And while, admittedly, she hadn't known Ami when she was younger, she could only imagine it was more of the same: study, homework, study, homework, no real eye for romance.

Romance. That brought a giddy little smile to Makoto's lips. She had actually done it; she had started up something with Ami Mizuno, Sailor Mercury, the girl she'd had her eye on since the day they met. She loved Ami; she had known that for a long time now. She wanted nothing more than to see her smile; to make her happy, to hold her in her arms and see her smile and to love her, truly love her, and to be loved by her. Seeing her every day, feeling the warmth of her smile when she was with them, the Senshi, leaping to her defense whenever anyone dared to speak against her...it kept Makoto going. Being around Ami had helped her deal with the heartbreak of her old sempai. And now, after far too long, she finally had her...they were finally a couple, and it was perfect. Makoto had been afraid that it was too soon to know anything for certain, but after today...after the kiss in the restroom and Ami's surprising suggestion of the gym...that was enough to convince her. Ami was reciprocating; the relationship was as real as Makoto dared hope it would be.

Everything was--

BMP BMP BMP

Was that--? Makoto rose slowly from the couch, her eye turning quickly to the ominous door. It couldn't be Ami; she would have just gotten out of cram school an hour ago, and her mother would be expecting her home. Besides, she'd said she had a lot of homework, and Makoto knew full well how Ami could get with her homework.

BMP BMP BMP

Stepping lightly towards the door, her hand reaching out slowly, Makoto pondered at the possibilities of what may lurk behind it. A robber. A killer. One of her friends in trouble. One of her friends playing a cruel joke. A neighbor kid looking for his mommy. A puppy...no, probably not a puppy.

BMP BMP BMP

Taking a deep breath and grasping the handle firmly, Makoto twisted and opened the door to reveal--

"Ms. Mizuno? Um...can I help you?"

"Good evening, Makoto." Of all the possibilities that had run through her mind, this was certainly not among them. "I do apologize for turning up unannounced, but I believe you and I need to have a talk."

Makoto blanched. A talk. That could only really mean one thing. "Of course. Please, uh...come in." Stepping out of the way, she gestured Ami's mother inward.

"Thank you." Stepping inside, the elder Mizuno took a look around and, she had to admit, the Kino household was very nicely kept. The floors were absolutely spotless. The sofa and the table in front of it were so clean one could choose to eat off either, and the television, turned off at the moment, had not even the smallest streak of glass cleaner across it. Though she didn't want to get distracted from the real reason she was here, she had to admit she was surprised. Makoto's mother must be quite the clean freak to work as much as she did and still have time for this. Speaking of which, she turned back towards Makoto. "Are your parents home?"

Makoto blanched, trying to think of what to say. "No, they're...they're working late tonight. They won't be back until late."

"Of course they are." The elder Mizuno took another look around the room, swallowing hard before speaking again. "I am sure you know why I'm here, Makoto. I want to talk to you about Ami." Turning around to face Makoto, she continued. "I know you care a lot about my daughter."

Makoto was lost for words. She didn't know how the conversation between Ami and her mom had gone, and she didn't want to give away anything unnecessary. "Uh, yeah...we all do. She's a really good friend."

"Allow me to rephrase. I know that you are intimately involved with my daughter." Well, that certainly answered that question. "While I am not certain how long this has been going on, or how far it has gone, that much is certain. However, I have my...concerns."

Makoto sighed. Time to come clean. "If you're worried about how serious it is, please don't be. Ms. Mizuno...I'm in love with Ami. She means the world to me. I would never do anything to hurt her. I know, it must sound strange coming from--"

"--from a woman," Ms. Mizuno finished.

Makoto winced. Then, with a sigh, she followed through. "From a woman. Yeah. But it's the truth." Folding her arms over her chest and taking a seat on the sofa, Makoto suddenly felt very self-conscious. She was proud of her femininity. She always had been. She loved to cook, she loved to clean, she was proud, even vocally proud on occasion, of the size of her busom...but under the steely gaze of Ami's mother, she suddenly couldn't help but think that what she loved so much about herself, what she worked so hard for, was about to cost her everything. She'd been prepared for this awkwardness since Ami's mother had caught them kissing, but that didn't make it any--

"I am not," Ms. Mizuno swallowed hard, then tried again, "...not against the prospect of Ami being with a woman." Wait, what? Had Makoto heard that correctly? "I admit, it came as a bit of a shock to me. I had never pegged Ami for being...into women. But then, I had never pegged her as being into men, either. But that is what makes this so difficult. I am not against my daughter's choice of preference, but other people will be." Clearing her throat, Ms. Mizuno continued. "My daughter is a brilliant young lady. She has a real, honest chance to excel. There are so many places she could go from here, so many schools and so many careers that someone of her talents could have in front of her. I am worried what this...association...will do to that."

"Association?" Makoto repeated the words but couldn't make sense of them. Her mind was swimming, trying to take in what Ami's mother was saying to her.

"Let me ask you this." Ami's mother reached for the words she was looking for. "What manner of future can you provide for her?"

The question took Makoto by surprise. "I...don't really know. I haven't thought too much about it."

"Well I have. Ami is going to ace her high school entrance exams. And from there, she's going to get into one of the most prestigious universities in Japan, or perhaps even in the world. It's the future that she deserves, for all her hard work, and I would hate to see anything jeopardize that."

"Ms. Mizuno, I would never dream of holding her back from--"

"No? Then explain to me why she chose to turn down the opportunity of a lifetime, to study medicine in Germany? Before a few days ago, I never could quite understand what would compel her to such a blatant disregard for her future."

Makoto was speechless. The direction this conversation had turned suddenly made her feel ill inside. She struggled for her voice, trying to make sense of what Ami's mother was saying to her. She knew that event hadn't been about her specifically, but it was about them. The Senshi, her friends, and she was included in that. After searching for a moment for a way to explain, her voice finally faded, and the most she could utter was a soft, "I don't know."

"Well, I believe I do. I want what is best for my daughter." Ms. Mizuno paused a moment, balancing the words on her tongue before continuing. She didn't know quite how to put it delicately, so after a few seconds, she just let it out. "And I'm not convinced that's you." With a heavy breath, Ms. Mizuno turned towards the door. "I should probably go."

"Please." Makoto couldn't bear the conversation to run on any longer.

"Just...think about what I've said. If you truly love my daughter as much as you say you do, then you'll know what to do."

Makoto couldn't so much as find the strength to look up from her hands. It was only the click of the door closing that told her Ami's mother was gone, and once she heard that, she could let out the tears she'd been trying to hold back through the conversation. Fear and loneliness gripped its icy claws around her heart, clutching tight to her chest as she fell forward onto the sofa. As much as she tried to refute Ms. Mizuno's words, each accusation had stung too deep for her to pull out. She wanted to be angry, wanted to vent and rage and how dare that woman question her commitment to Ami? But each blow had stuck too deep. The more she thought about it, the more it made her hurt inside.

With tears flooding down her face, she lifted her head from the pillow just long enough to look around the apartment. And as she took in the tidy little home she had managed to keep, she found it hurt even more. What had she thought? That she and Ami would get together and everything would be great? That Ami might actually want to move out of her ENORMOUS CONDO some day and come live alone with her in what barely even passes for an apartment? Ami was going to be a doctor or a lawyer or a scientist, she was going to be rich and using her brilliant mind for the benefit of the world, and Makoto was...what? A chef? She was going to prepare food for people? That would be her share of their future, bringing home a cook's pay to complement her brilliant girlfriend's million dollar life?

As the true horror of Ms. Mizuno's words carved deeper into her soul, Makoto found she couldn't stop from crying harder. Covering her face with the pillow again, she revisited the horrifying doubts that had kept her from approaching Ami for as long as she had. It was something she couldn't deny, something she'd felt in her heart for so long now brought painfully to surface.

She deserves better than me.

********************

Tuesday came on too fast, and Makoto could barely find the strength to get out of bed. Shuffling her feet through her morning routine, her mind paced frantically back over the talk she'd had last night with Ami's mother. She wanted to believe that she was wrong. She wanted to believe that she really, truly could be good for Ami; that she could love her the way she deserved, could give her everything in her life that she needed. That they could have a future. But every moment became a struggle as her past raced forward to crush her dreams.

Her parents. Her sempai. Her brief infatuation with Motoki. Her brief infatuation with the Moonlight Knight. Every time she had something, every time she actually had the chance to get away from this isolated lifestyle of hers, something had come up to snatch it away. Of course Ami was too good for her. Of course she didn't deserve her. It's the same lesson her life had taught her, again and again. Why should this time be any different?

Class seemed longer than it usually did. The walk to school was harder, and she was sure Ami had noticed how she couldn't look her in the eyes. She was grateful for class beginning so that she could have an excuse not to talk to her, but that could only go on so long. As the instructor droned on about math, she went over the words in her head again for the fifth time. "I want what is best for my daughter. And I'm not convinced that's you."

After what felt like an eternity, lunch came. She couldn't avoid her girlfriend any longer. But what could she say to her? She still wasn't even sure what--

"There you are!" A pair of slender arms grabbed around her waist suddenly, taking her completely by surprised. The way she jumped elicited the slightest hint of a laugh behind her. "I missed you." Ami was careful to separate before she could draw attention to them, but she quickly came around to the front. Yet again, Makoto found she couldn't look her beloved in the face. Not with the thoughts that were running through her mind. "Is everything okay? You seem a little distant."

A little. That was the understatement of the year. "Yeah, I just...I don't know." Looking away, she struggled to find the right words. "...look...Ami. I think...we need to talk."

"Sure." Ami's fingers lightly brushed Makoto's arm. "What are we talking about?"

"Not here." Makoto pulled away quickly. She couldn't do this here. "Please, just...come to my apartment after school. It's important." With that, she took off, walking as quickly as she could down the hall to hide the tears in her eyes and leaving her sapphire-haired goddess standing confused at the end. She couldn't bear to do this here, not when there were people around who might overhear. But no...that wasn't the reason she walked away so fast...she just didn't have the strength to do this yet.

********************

It wasn't long before class was over, and Ami was on her way to Makoto's. She was a little nervous about the way Makoto had been acting earlier. Something was wrong, but she didn't seem especially eager to say what. Was she in trouble? Did she need help? Nervously biting her lip, Ami knocked gently at the door. At first, all she heard was a deafening silence that only served to amplify her fears. Finally, after a few seconds, she heard the sound of movement from inside, followed by the rustling of locks, and the door swung open. "Hi," she tried cheerfully, but the wan frown on Makoto's face shot down her effort at brightening the mood.

"Hey. C'mon in," she muttered, opening the door. Ami stepped inside and was completely astonished at what she saw. Dust had gathered on the table and not been wiped up. The cabinet door lay open in the kitchen, with what must have been this morning's breakfast, an open box of cereal, still set out on the counter. As she stared transfixed at the cereal, she nearly tripped over a pair of pajamas carelessly strewn on the floor. This...what was this place? This was not her Makoto's place. Her Makoto kept a neat and tidy apartment. Her Makoto would have a coronary if she saw--

And then she looked at Makoto again, and suddenly realized how bad she looked. Her hair was a mess. Her half-hearted ponytail had missed much of her hair, which hung loosely around her shoulders. The bags under her eyes betrayed how little sleep she had managed to garner, and the burning redness told Ami that she'd been crying, not just last night, but recently. What could have done this to her? "Makoto?" She stepped closer to Makoto, who had slumped onto the sofa, still refusing to look at her. "Makoto, what is it? What's wrong?" Kneeling down in front of her, she rest her hands on Makoto's knees, craning her head to the side to try and get a better look at her face. But Makoto resisted her attempt by turning her head away. "Come on, you can tell me."

Makoto cleared her throat. This was it. The moment she had been dreading all day. The only conclusion she could come to, after last night had made everything so painfully clear. "Ami..." she bit back the tears, "Ami, I think...maybe...we should back off a bit."

The words hit Ami like a block of ice. Her hands slowly withdrew from Makoto's knees, her eyes blinking rapidly as she tried to comprehend. Had she actually heard that right? "I...I don't think I understand...."

"Ami, I just don't think I'm the person you should be around right now."

"Oh." A vice gripped tightly to Ami's heart, squeezing it mercilessly against Makoto's words. "Is..." a tear choked her up, forcing her to swallow before she could try again. "Is it me? Did I...did I do something wrong, or...."

"No, you didn't. It's..." Makoto looked down at Ami's face for a moment, then quickly looked away. The pain in her eyes was just too much to bear. "It's me. I just...I'm not what you're looking for, Ami. I'm going nowhere, and I'm not going to drag you down with me. You deserve better than that."

"I don't accept that." There was an edge to Ami's voice that made Makoto wince.

"Ami, look around. This is my life. You're going to go places and you're going to do amazing things and I'm...I'm going to be here. You're going to meet people and-and-and you deserve the chance to...to find someone special. Someone who can give you everything you need."

"But..." Ami pressed her hand to Makoto's leg firmly, "But I...." She had never used these words outside of family before. But right now, more than anything, her heart was telling her to go for it. "I love you."

"No, you don't," Makoto snapped, throwing herself up off the sofa and away from Ami. The pain of a thousand losses stung deep at her heart, and she choked on the sobs she was trying not to let out. "You don't know what love is. We've only been seeing each other a few days, Ami. That isn't love."

The taller girl's words cut like a knife, carving its way deep into the pit of Ami's stomach. She couldn't even find the strength to stand. "Why are you doing this?"

"I just...." Makoto's words came out through broken tears. "I just want what's best for you."

The echo resonated deep in Ami's heart, and suddenly she knew. The clarity shocked and horrified her. "....my mother...my mother put you up to this, didn't she?"

"Is she wrong?" Makoto didn't even try to deny it.

"YES!" Ami was practically in hysterics, throwing herself up from the floor and pacing down on Makoto. "YES, she's WRONG. She's WRONG and-and-and I don't know why you would ever think she isn't because she's...she doesn't understand...she...." her voice finally gave way, fading to a whimper. "I can't lose you."

"Then go ahead and tell me." Makoto tried to turn around, but found she still couldn't look at Ami. She couldn't bear to see the pain she was causing. "What could I possibly offer you? What kind of future can you see with me?"

"I-I don't know, I...I haven't really thought about it...."

"I thought so." Walking to her bedroom door, Makoto stood. "Please...just go. I need to be strong right now, and if this keeps up, I don't know how much longer I can be." Makoto closed the door to her bedroom behind her, barely making it to the bed before her legs gave way beneath her.

********************

Ami stood motionless in the living room. That was it. It was over. Everything that had been going so great in her life was suddenly cut violently short. Gathering her strength, she turned to leave. As she took those first steps out the door, her heart that she had worked so hard to keep together through the fight finally splintered, and the shock of it almost brought her to her knees. She had never known pain like this before; never felt this kind of agony tearing through her soul. With weak, broken steps she stumbled her way down from the Kino apartment, barely finding her way to the street before her legs nearly toppled. Catching herself on a nearby trash bin, she stopped and stared back at Makoto's apartment.

How could this happen? What had her mother said to Makoto that would cause this kind of fracture between them? Questions flooded her mind, but no answer was forthcoming. In the gripping pain, she could barely even consider the options. How could anything be this terrible?

********************

It was done. She had done it. It was hard, it was rough, it was necessary, and she'd managed to fight through it. The girl she loved, the person she had loved from the moment she laid eyes on her, had just walked out that door alone. It was the hardest thing Makoto Kino had ever had to do in her life, but she had done it.

Ami would hurt for a while. That much was unavoidable. But eventually she would move on. She'd forget she ever had feelings for Makoto. She would find a guy--or a girl, for that matter--who would be able to give her everything that she deserved, everything Makoto herself couldn't. Someone bright and funny and talented, someone she could truly fall in love with and who could truly love her back. And she would be happy. Truly, blissfully happy, the way she deserved. The way Makoto wished she could provide.

But that still didn't make it hurt less. Because as much as she knew that Ami would get over this, she also knew she never would. That her one chance at true happiness had just walked out the door at her own urging. And that horrible knowledge was enough to make her seriously wonder why she even bothered with romance. She knew she was destined to be alone; all it ever brought her was more pain. All it ever did for her was reinforce just how lonely and isolated her life is from everybody else.

Lost in her own remorse, Makoto didn't even notice the hours ticking by. If she'd drifted off to sleep, she couldn't tell. The dark seemed just as empty inside and out. It wasn't until the dull ringing of the phone brought her back to her senses, that she realized how long she'd been lying there. She started to get up, to reach the phone, but decided against it. Lying back down, she just let it ring. After the fourth ring, it fell silent, and she could be alone again.

Five minutes passed. Then ten. She contemplated the number of dots in her ceiling. It was stupid and pointless, but it took her mind off Ami. Another five minutes. And then there was that damn phone again.

Sighing, she got out of bed and walked out into the hall. The phone rang its third ring as she reached for the handle, pulling it off the hook. "Yeah?" she grumbled weakly into the receiver.

"Makoto?" It was Minako. Great. Senshi of Love. Just who she needed to chew her out right now. "Is Ami with you?" There was a desperation in her voice that piqued Makoto's curiosity.

"Uh...no. You know what time it is?"

"Yeah, I know. Usagi's been calling everybody. She's frantic." That must have been the call earlier. "Listen...." Minako's next words shook Makoto back to life. In all the years she had lived, few things had ever rattled her core quite this badly. She could barely breathe as she took in what the Love Senshi had said to her.

"Usagi got a call from Naru. Ami never showed up to Cram School."