A/N: SAKURA IS LITERALLY THE WORST OMG IF YOU DISAGREE PLEASE WRITE A REVIEW TELLING ME YOUR VIEWS ON A CHILDREN'S CARTOON SHOW WE ALL SEEM TO KEEP SEXUALISING.
I have exams. I don't have free time. I also have several projects. Writing will suffer due to this. Imagine I'm dead and nothing will ever be updated.
Their lips couldn't be separated. Hot tears stained Naruto's cheeks as Chouji and Shikamaru, in their newly revealed, FEMALE forms took turns kissing the tortured blonde boy.
(Some time later)
Naruto lied down, with Shikamaru and Chouji resting their heads on his chest yet again. Neither a squeak nor a squawk could be heard as many souls rested their weary bodies that night. Curiously, Shikamaru looked up to the thinking blonde boy.
"Hey, Naruto?" She asked quietly, attempting not to wake the other women that had all seem to have fallen in love with him over those past couple of FUCKING DAYS.
"Yeah, Shika?" He asked her, his thoughts escaping him entirely. Shikamaru looked uncomfortable about the question she was about to ask, but sighed and powered through it.
"When you mentioned before about how you suffered… How… Did all of that really happen to you? Was it really that bad?" She asked sympathetically. Naruto remembered back on that day she was referring to, and found that his memory was blurred.
"Uh… What did I say then? My mind's kinda blocking that memory, which is weird because that only happens when I experience something incredibly emotionally destroying." He asked. Shikamaru search in a void in the universe for a script of the previous chapter of this story.
"Ahbahbahbah… There." She said, pointing to a point at the script where Naruto began reading from.
"…That doesn't sound like me. I mean, that looks like some angsty, trivialised, cliché excuse for a dark back story. But I do remember saying that stuff." He said, as Shikamaru put the papers away and Naruto lied back down.
There were a few moments of silence before Shikamaru nudged Naruto.
"Oh, right. Well… I may have made a shit tonne of stuff up in the moment… But the part about never being told I was loved was true. You and Chouji were the first…" Naruto said, Shikamaru kissing him on the lips as he finished up. She then tightly hugged up to him.
"…I love you, Naruto." She said sincerely. Naruto smiled and kissed her back.
"I love you too, Shika." He replied lovingly. As he laid his head back, he sighed with happiness.
"Alright, come on. It's been several seconds without us making fun of something in this children's cartoon show." Naruto said, going to sleep happily.
(But in da present…)
"Okay, I don't care that you took four hours to bring us something to eat. Seriously. What I am curious about is why you smell like sex." Sasuke said, a lot more chatty than usual.
"Yeah its-" Sakura began.
"Pipe down, cunt." A voice from off-screen said sternly, making Sakura stop talking in an enraged huff.
"I swear to God, every day with this bullshit!" Sakura angrily whispered to herself. Naruto looked back at the off-screen voice, back to Sakura, and then to Sasuke.
"I'm sorry. What?" He asked.
"You reek of sex. I don't know what I can smell, but I can, and I'm serious, with one-hundred per cent certainty, sense that your genitals have been inside someone." Sasuke said with a grim, dire expression on his face. His black eyes stared deeply into Naruto's before he heard an animal skitter in the forest.
"Or something." He added, finishing his meal around the campfire and going to sleep. Naruto looked at Sakura with a peculiar look on his face.
"Why are you so quiet, Sakura?" He asked her calmly. She sighed, and pulled him close, to whisper in his ear.
"I'm a character on a children's cartoon show that people hate because in the original series I show some abusive characteristics in response to your often misinterpreted perverted behaviour. I am quiet as to not rouse the hatred of the fanboys." She explained, looking around at the fuming audience that was always out of sight range.
"Well… If they took a second to see things from your point of view, wouldn't they understand where you're coming from?" Naruto asked in a hushed cry. Sakura nodded.
"Maybe, but in the original series you also show some attraction to me. This attraction is misplaced for the majority of the first part of the show because my affection is set on Sasuke. In the second section, however, this largely not touched upon. Thus my violent ignorance or rather childish reactions in the first part of the series are misinterpreted as me hating you entirely and wanting only Sasuke for the entirety of the series' length, and sometimes even sabotaging your efforts due to my allegedly undying and unbreakable adoration of Sasuke." Sakura explained. Naruto absorbed the information like a sponge, and revelled in it, his thoughts a flurry of connecting links and fragmented data aligning beautifully.
"This part of the internet makes sense now." He said simply, gaining a heavily agreeing nod from Sakura.
"I also noticed you referred to the series as a "show" in one sentence." He said quietly. Sakura sighed softly and sadly as she stared into the fire.
"I am going to be killed by digitised fanboys, aren't I?" She asked, knowing the answer.
(Up in the trees)
"Hey, you something weird that I just noticed?" Anko asked Ibiki, as they sat on a tree, eating sandwiches.
"Yup?" Ibiki asked, with a mouthful of food.
"Did you see them transition into fully grown adults for the sex scene, yet somehow revert back to teenagers for all that angsty stuff?" Anko checked with her superior. Ibiki slowed down on chewing her food to get lost in thought. Her eyes travelled to Naruto, who was below, sitting by the campfire.
"Come to think of it, yeah. That's really disturbing. So, wait, hang on – does that mean-"
"I think so. I think we just watched a bunch of teenagers have unprotected sex with one another." Anko said, her skin shivering as she mentioned that fact.
"Do you think they should be checked for diseases… Or pregnancy, or something, after this?" Ibiki asked, putting her dinner away and shaking the thought out of her brain. Anko then sighed, placing her fingers to her temples in an effort to soothe her mind.
"Nah. No, they should be fine. It's a piece of fanfiction, after all, and unless they're pretending to be deep and realistic, then no." Anko explained, standing up, and brushing the dirt off herself. Ibiki joined her, and they set up sleeping bags on the trees, so that they could watch over their Naruto as they slept.
(Up, somewhere indiscernible)
"Wow, you trained some weird people, Kushi." The FEMALE Minato said to her wife with a cocky grin, making Kushina sigh in rage.
"I didn't even train them! Shut up!" She yelled back, slowly calming down and looking back down at the image of her son. She sighed sadly as her hands cascaded down the glass portal which showed Naruto's thinking face.
"God, I wish we were there for him." Kushina spoke sadly. Minato came behind her and wrapped her arms around the redhead's waist, resting her chin on her head.
"But, we're gone. And it's not like we can come back." Minato said bluntly, and sadly. Yes, it sounded bad, but it was something they had to face daily in this hell they were confined to, watching as their son suffered alone.
"Mmm. It's not like someone on the other side can just kill two random characters and bring us back to life, huh?" Kushina said without the slightest hint of irony in her voice.
"Mmhmm." Minato agreed, wishing that just for once, she could see her son, hug him, hold him tight in her arms, and tell him that everything'd be okay.
But, hey, there'd be no shot of that happening, right?
(Christ I'm tired it's like 12 here)
Thus Team 7 resumed their journey, packing up their supplies, putting their campfire out, and removing any trace that they were ever there, leaving the opening in the forest behind. They began to chat, albeit quietly, and as these things tend to happen, Naruto got angry at Sasuke.
"You're always doing that! Always!" Naruto shouted to Sasuke, his emotions unkempt and his mind on the verge of breaking due to rage.
"Yes, fine, I complain! I was characterised as an asshole who acted like it because his whole family was murdered! Then the fanbase decided to blow that out of proportion by making me seem like a giant douche who acted that way for no reason! I think that's enough for me to complain about!" Sasuke shouted, making Naruto's mood darken.
(In da bushes)
"Oh, no they can't be serious. No, come on, no! Not another goddamn angst section! Anything but this!"
(SCENE CHANGE)
Welcome to Naruto High, a fun school wit-
(…)
"…Maybe another angst section wouldn't be so bad…"
(….)
"You have to move on, man! You can't wallow in your past like the consumer-base says you should!" Naruto yelled back at him, as Sakura shrunk more and more into the background of the scene. Amongst the forest, silence fell as Sasuke's anger won over her affection for Naruto.
"That's easy for you to say, you never even had a fucking family! You're just a clanless nobody!" He/She yelled, loud enough for any nearby teams to hear clearly. It was then she realised what she'd said, her eyes widening in horror as to what Naruto's reaction would be.
"…" For a while, Naruto stared deadly daggers at Sasuke. It was after a few minutes of Sakura returning with some bruises on her that Naruto stormed off, into the thick, dangerous forest.
"N-Naruto! Come back! I didn't mean it!" Sasuke called, her voice breaking through from her disguised male tone to her female. She attempted to follow him, but was stopped in mid-step by Sakura's arm.
"Don't. Let him vent." Sakura said, sighing as she did so, her heart yearning to be able to comfort her goofy blonde crush. Sasuke gave Sakura a look that inquired on her mental state.
""Let him vent"? Are you retarded? 8 times out of 10, venting leads to the person seriously hurting themselves. I'm going after him." Sasuke said despite Sakura's protests. As Sasuke travelled after her blonde love interest, Sakura sighed, before realising she was alone, and carrying the Earth Scroll.
"…Oh shit. Wait for me, you fuckers!" She yelled, desperately attempting to outrun the fanboys who'd no doubt be hot on her tail.
(Somewhere, in the forest)
Naruto stormed into yet another dirt patched clearing in the forest, no doubt made by some ancient battle held in that very spot. He stormed around the area for a while before punching the nearest tree. As he did so, it shattered, leaving half of its trunk missing in the section he punched.
Slowly, it toppled over away from him, effectively snapping the tree in two. Momentarily, joy and success overwhelmed Naruto, as he aimed a mighty yell towards the canopy.
"Yeah! See that, invisible voice? Screw you!" He yelled appropriately, towards the shocked Kisame and Itachi, who were watching him from above, like many other kunoichi.
"…And you owe me ten dollars." Kisame boasted and chuckled, before Itachi held up one finger towards her direction. Kisame looked at her, and then back down at Naruto.
As he smirked upwards, he looked towards his hand and saw the blood stain his cut knuckles, before he grunted piercingly in pain. Following this, Naruto yelled his favourite curses upwards at the two of the Akatsuki members as he clenched his swiftly healing hand.
"Damn it." Kisame said, angrily handing ten dollars to Itachi.
As Naruto clenched his hand, his thoughts went back to Sasuke, and his anger grew again. Tears began to well up in his eyes at the hurtful comment, before he heard some people approaching. It was a team wearing the headbands of a village Naruto had neither seen nor heard of before.
"Well, well, well, if it isn't a lone genin in the forest, clearly venting from another genin's anger-induced, severely inappropriate remark! And what's this? No team-mate to rescue you and repair your friendship!" The apparent leader of the team, clad in a furred coat and some bandaging on her head remarked in a stereotypical villainous voice. The other two thirds of the team announced their annoyance with an odd grunt.
"Goddamit, Dosu! Why is it that you always say such specific things when we confront somebody, instead of... I don't know... Ambushing them like an actual ninja?" Announced the most annoyed member, who had spiky black hair. Running a hand through it, she fiddled with her arms, and pointed her outstretched palm to Naruto, before her eyes caught his. She then stopped, and looked at him with absolute… love?
"Zaku? Why are you stalling? Kill him!" Dosu ordered the genin. She hesitated, and a single tear fell from her eye as she did so, before she forcefully threw her arm down. Kin peeked her head to Dosu's ear.
"Uh, were we actually ordered to kill anyone now? Was that our mission?" She asked, having no real descriptors the author could use so others could be lazy and imagine what she was wearing as opposed to having to look up her character online.
"Does it matter? Is anyone really going to be bothered to look it up?" Dosu asked. Kin gave her a chastising look.
"Now that you've said that, someone will just to prove you wrong!" She yelled.
However, the two returned their attention back to Zaku as she broke whatever silence they had.
"I CAN'T!" She yelled, heaving and breathing heavily.
"…Why not?" Dosu asked, a bit afraid of Zaku now. Zaku grabbed Dosu by the collar and stared into her very soul.
"I. Love. Him." She said, simply, before going over to Naruto and grabbing his cheeks softly, kissing him passionately so after that. Naruto, within the first few milliseconds of the contact, resisted, but melted there afterwards as pleasure filled him.
He kissed her back with fervour and love, breaking away soon after.
"…You love him?" Kin inquired. Was he using some technique?
'No, wait…' She thought. This was a parody story! There's no strategy or combat here! Just nitpickings of a children's cartoon show! And hate on the fans of the children's cartoon show!
So what was this Leaf genin doing, then?
"You literally met him just a minute ago! And you haven't even talked to him!" Dosu criticised the newly budding lovers. Zaku turned back to Dosu with a crazy look in her eye.
"It doesn't matter! I'm a woman in a harem story that eventually meets the protagonist! Ergo, I love him!" Zaku rebutted. Dosu sighed, before performing some hand-seals, and preparing a technique to kill them both.
Obviously the enemy had turned Zaku and made her say random nonsense.
"Fine, I'll kill you both if I have to!" She yelled, preparing to release her technique. Before she could complete it, Naruto looked at her with fear and confusion in his eyes.
The fuck were these people doing?
Dosu caught his gaze, and sighed, stopping her technique and feeling all her troubles melt away at the sight of his beautiful, blue eyes. She inched ever closer to him until their lips were barely touching, Naruto staying still in fear of what she might try.
Another, more passionate kiss met Naruto's lips as a similar feeling overcame him, filling him with love & lust simultaneously. It was then Kin looked on at her whorish teammates and sighed with exasperation.
"Oh, fuck it." She gave up, and removed Dosu from Naruto, taking his lips a third time, rubbing herself against him, and slipping her hand down his pants. She moaned into the kiss, stopping after a while, separating her saliva dripping lips from his, breathing a breath of hot air afterwards.
(In the future)
"And that's how we met your father, kids." A now second-time pregnant, grown Zaku said, telling stories to her, Dosu's, and Kin's sitting children, who were circling their father. The eldest looked a little confused.
"So you guys just fell in love with dad the second you met him?" She asked.
"Yep." They chorused, continuing to answer the rest of their children's questions.
(But back in the present)
Naruto forcibly removed himself from Kin's lips. He caught his breath, hunched over, and regained his bearings. He slowly rose, and breathed deeply in an attempt to calm himself.
"Okay…" He began.
"I have MANY questions, beginning wit-" But the blonde boy was silenced as Dosu put her finger to his lips and shushed him.
"Don't say another word. We will meet again soon. God forbid the author actually explain what's going on." She said, before woefully commanding her team to leave Naruto in a huff. Zaku and Kin shared with him a look of regret and love, blowing kisses to him as they left.
Naruto attempted to think of something to say, raising his hand and then lowering it many times before turning back in a hurry. It was there he literally ran into Sasuke, who was still disguised in HER male form.
Yet, before he could fall, she caught him, and steadied him.
"What were you thinking? You could've been killed in this forests – by God knows what! Rival teams here are bloodthirsty!" She berated him, Naruto giving her an odd look.
"Funny you should mention that. A team just made out with me after they decided not to kill me. It's been a long, long, confusing day." Naruto mentioned, letting both him and Sasuke huff it out, before Sakura came and panted next to them.
"How about we just revert back to being frenemies without benefits for a few more chapters before another soul-crushing, emotionally warping event occurs that forces you to reveal your true self to me?" Naruto suggested, ranting on a bit. Sasuke could barely keep up, and paused before answering.
"…Sure. Yeah. Yeah, sure." She answered slowly, shaking Naruto's hand as he held it out.
"Alright, now let's transition to something at least halfway interesting." Naruto said, as he cartoonishly ripped the current scene in half, revealing…
(Somewhere else in the forest, probably nearby (What? I don't fuckin' live here. And I've yet to meet a person who does. Listen, you show me a map of the Forbidden Forest of Fuckery or whatever it's called and THEN I'll edit this for you. Hey – why don't I dress it up nice and make sure every location is fits in with the canon locations? Hell, god forbid someone actually releases something that deviates from the ABSOLUTE NORM. God forbid we all pass up the chance to read through fifty million fucking variations of the same story. Oh, and GOD FORBID we all pass up the chance to read stories about Harems! Of all things!))
(But seriously, somewhere in the forest)
"L-l-listen, our friend o-only started playing the stupid thing because he found it on the forest floor! I mean, you wouldn't pass up that chance, would ya?" The nervous looking Ame ninja pleaded through stammers and cold sweats, suspended high in the air with a magic hand of sand.
"It made me sad! Very sad!" Gaara of the Sand, fiery red with an even fiery temper, and a slightly more fiery Tailed Beast sealed inside her said, her hand outstretched in a choking motion. The three suspended Ame ninja all appeared wracked with nerves, their bodies slowly getting crushed.
Temari – the older one – interjected for a moment, interrupting her sister's spiel.
"I don't usually agree with her, but I have to on this one – what kind of idiot plays a violin they find in a forest? What kind of even bigger idiot leaves a violin in a dangerous forest like this?" She asked the group.
"Baiu knows how to play! I don't know, some conniving asshole probably left it there on a stroll to set some dumb joke up that'd probably only be used once!" Shigure explained as best she could.
Meanwhile, Kankuro was doing her best to do fuck all and stay in the background. Maybe attempt to fight someone with vaguely similar skills to her own later down the track. And that's it.
"Well, even if all that is true, why would your friend continue to play something so depressing throughout the entire forest for 36 straight hours?" Temari asked the team again. Shigure looked to Baiu, who babbled in response and shrugged her shoulders with a look of mighty horror. Shigure then turned her gaze back to Temari.
"She doesn't know." Midare sighed, attempting to wiggle through the sandy confines.
"All of that doesn't matter! What matters is you made me feel sad! And the number one rule in Naruto fanfiction is to never make emotional characters sad! Because they get all powerful and angry and vengeful! Also, the author attempts to shoehorn themselves into the story!" Gaara went on, a spotlight appearing to her flank in the forest.
"Well, hi everybody! I guess it's my time to debut as "Psytronix"! The prodigy ninja who trained under all the Hokage, and the top of my class who was in the year above Naruto's! Also, I'm Naruto's cooler older brother!"
A swift puppet needle to the neck stopped that from ever happening again.
"Hey, guys, I did something useful! …Guys?" Kankuro cheered and sulked, watching as nobody remarked on her valiant public service.
"In any case, I'm going to kill you all!" Gaara yelled, tightening her grip on the team of 3. It was then our blonde protagonist literally stumbled out of the bushes, his teammates soon following him as the toppled forward and landed face first on the ground.
"What the fu- How'd you three get here!?" Temari asked, a hand going to her fan quickly, for a quick defence. Naruto, the first to regain his footing, looked around, shaking.
"I… I don't know… Some ghost just pushed us here and told us that "the plot was this way"… But… But there's no plot in this story anywhere! It's all just a garbled mess of everything the author could steal…" Naruto explained, fidgeting his hands in a nervous manner.
It was then Naruto caught a good glimpse of the scene going on before him.
"Are… Are you trying to kill these guys?" Naruto asked. Gaara nodded sheepishly. Naruto noticed the black rings around her eyes.
"How've you been sleeping? Is that make-up or something?" He asked her unabashedly. She looked at him, with a look of confusion.
"Ye-yeah. I haven't been sleeping well. In fact, I haven't slept at all in like… 8 years." Gaara explained awkwardly. Naruto smiled and smacked himself in the head as she did so.
"That makes a lot more sense. Anyway, why are you trying to kill these guys? They seem harmless, and… They have the same scroll as you. I don't think you'd gain anything from killing them." Naruto reasoned.
Gaara opened her mouth to explain, before closing it, realising she couldn't hear the Ichibi's constant pestering.
"…There was a voice in my head telling me to do it so that she could gain power and influence over me. In retrospect, that's probably something I should avoid in the future." Gaara thought aloud, her grip on the Ame team loosening as she lowered the poor souls to the ground.
"True." Naruto agreed.
"But, from my point of view, this voice is constantly, and I mean constantly attempting to assert control over me so it can go on a rampage. In fact, as it was captured and sealed into me initially, my mother died just from its aura." Gaara continued. That struck a chord with Naruto.
"That shit sucks. And I know how you feel. Was it your dad who forced you to take the Tailed Beast?" Naruto asked. Gaara's eyes lit up. The Ame team was on the ground, and looked around, before darting their way towards Naruto.
"Yeah, it was! Was your dad doing it to gain power for his village?" Gaara asked Naruto, who received three kisses from the Ame ninja.
"Thank you for saving us! We really should get together some time and develop an unbreakable, loving bond for no apparent reason!" Shigure said, kissing Naruto a second time, and leaving, with her two teammates in short tow.
"Uh… Kinda. My dad did it so he could save a village that ended up treating me like shit. I think he neglected to inform them of who he was, and that I was his son. Seriously though, I think my life would've been much better off if he'd revealed that at his death… Just like… A note or something, attached to me as a baby, so someone could see and be like "oh, this is a cool baby, everybody, come and praise the cool baby"… Yeah." Naruto answered the girl, mumbling as he went on, the moment bringing a single tear to his eye.
"But yeah. What'd your dad do it for?" Naruto asked her. Gaara appeared sheepish, and looked back to her sisters, who'd set up a small cards table and a poker game, to play with Sasuke and Sakura.
"He did it so our village could be more powerful. He dropped the ball, big time. Did you know that the Ichibi was cursed a long time ago by some priest? The priest kinda drove it insane, and now their combined souls are stuck inside my head. I can't sleep at night, because if I do, the beast takes over and kills a lot of people." Gaara answered back. Naruto nodded and sighed.
"Bummer. I assume you were pretty alienated on top of that, right?" He asked her. She nodded.
"Yeah. My own uncle tried to kill me. Any family members do that to you?" She asked him back.
"Nah. Had no family. My mom died during childbirth, like yours. Dad died sealing the Kyuubi into me. Still, pretty fucking lonely if you ask me. Been better as of late, though." Naruto said with another sigh, remembering back to Shikamaru and Chouji. Gaara nodded, as past emotions rose within her, rending a few tears from her eyes, as well.
"Well, would you like to put a stop to that?" Naruto asked. Gaara looked at him, perplexed.
"To what?" She asked him, a bit awkwardly.
"To the alienation. To the hate. And I don't know what I can do, but I could try and find something to fix the monsters in your head. It'd stop this endless cycle of bullshit the original show had in mind." Said our blonde protagonist. Gaara looked at him and smiled a creepy smile – her first attempt at a genuine one.
"That's the spirit!" He edged her on, holding his hand out to shake, she taking it as oddly as ever and shaking it slow. She looked at him with a look of confusion again.
"But… If you wanted to really skip the bullshit, why wouldn't we just hook up and become lovers immediately?" She asked him a final time.
"Nah, you can't force that kind of stuff. Besides, given the nature of this story, we'll probably be lovers in 2 chapters. And your sisters will join us by 3, at the very least." Naruto explained. Gaara nodded slowly, not quite understanding what he meant.
(Some time later)
"HOLY SHIT THAT HAPPENED FASTER THAN I EXPECTED." Naruto talk-shouted into warm air, as the Sand Sisters possessively cradled and hugged him, Gaara's sand idly twiddling in space with it's wrapping tendrils. The Ame ninja were below, attempting to wrestle the Sister's for a bit of Naruto. He looked down, then to Gaara, witnessing her sleeping peacefully.
"MUCH FASTER." He thought aloud, scared at the speed of things.
A/N: "But Psytronix!" You cry to me. "They don't know that stuff in the anime, you're just being a dick now, aren't you?" You add.
I stroke my pube-beard, and nod.
"Yeah, pretty much."
In all honesty though I have been going overboard with this, sometimes out of borders with it. I'll attempt to stop it.
Also, look up "Red Robotix". I don't know much about music, but I like to listen to that guys stuff. Very video-gamey.
