Not quite sure if this chapter is up to scratch, but I still own nothing.


Chapter 4

Everyone was hung over the next day, except Mateus, who hadn't drank enough to merit one, thank Chaos. Walking down the hall, the self-proclaimed puppeteer of existence glanced at the others' bedroom doors, a couple of which had been inadvertently left ajar.

"Heavens…" he muttered as he glanced in Ultimecia's room to find her passed out in a chair, cuddling with shirtless Sephiroth. Giving a shudder at the thought of those two together, he continued to the kitchen to make himself some breakfast.

"Why am I not moving?" Kefka muttered, half-conscious on the table. Mateus wrinkled his perfect nose in disgust as he stepped over a comatose Kuja, only to stub his toe on the out-cold armored bulk that was Garland.

"Ungaah!" the Emperor exclaimed, most unhappy, as he hopped on one foot, holding the other.

"Never drop your guard," Golbez commented as he came in, popping some pain killers in his concealed mouth.

"This coming from someone who is loath to reveal his true face," Mateus muttered. Golbez quickly started whistling "Sweet Georgia Brown" and busied himself with donning his flowery apron and cooking breakfast.

30 minutes later…

"I am leaving," Mateus declared as Golbez danced around the kitchen in a fashion that even Zidane might consider very gay. "If anyone inquires, I am at the Rift,"

"Come back again!" the armored moon man called after the guy that rules Hell. Stepping outside the shrine, Mateus summoned the cyclone and it did suck him up and did swing him around unnecessarily for 20 minutes before hurling him to the Rift. And Mateus was, verily, ticked, and was even more so as he smashed hard into the ground outside the mall entrance.

"Miserable worm…" he muttered, getting up and brushing off his armor and cape.

"You!" Mateus looked over to see Firion rushing towards him with a spear.

"My, my. One of the tools of Cosmos," he taunted eloquently, neatly stepping to the side and kicking Firion in the crotch.

"Ugh!" the guy with way too many weapons fell down on one knee and clutched the injured area. "We're not tools! We're hope!"

"A would-be rebel, chasing dreams," Mateus smirked, giving his counterpart an atomic wedgie.

"Ahh!" Firion started stumbling around, randomly swinging his axe. "When I find you, Mateus, I'm gonna stab, slash, lance, freeze, decide it, the end!" The Emperor merely chuckled.

"What a lofty ego," with that, he headed into the mall, ignoring the looks other patrons, from random worlds, gave him.

15 minutes later…

Mateus gave a yawn as he continued his boring walk past the many stores that had things he didn't need. Suddenly, though, he spotted Chaos in a music store, arguing with the clerk about headphones.

"These won't fit over my horns!" he objected.

"No offence, dude," the greasy teen cashier dude commented. "But nothin's gonna fit over those flippin' horns,"

"FEAR ME!" Chaos shouted, summoning a bunch of fire and burning up most of the store. Mateus put a hand to his pale forehead as the mall security guards showed up and dragged the god of discord off in handcuffs. "Let me go! I'm Chaos! You know, the villain from Dissidia? Come on! Your arrogance will be your undoing!" A quiet, yet familiar laugh, sounded from his left shoulder as he watched his boss, still protesting loudly, be dragged out of the mall.

"It's an honor, milady," he said, turning to face the floating woman he had some feelings about. Narcissistic as he was, he had to admit that she, at least, rivaled him in the looks department.

"We are amused at Chaos's antics," CoD commented.

"Yes, an adequate diversion," Mateus agreed. "I take it Golbez gave you my message?"

"Yes," she replied. "And Sephiroth and Ultimecia were coming here anyway," He shuddered at the thought of those two despair-mongers on a date.

"I foresee despair," Sephiroth commented as they watched the simultaneously alarming and amusing spectacle of their boss being dragged out of the mall by Security.

"There is no running from despair," Ultimecia agreed.

"So…" Mateus looked around at the shops. "Care to browse the insipid objects in these shops?"

"We would be honored," so they set off into the nearest shop, which happened to be a hardware store.

"I'm gonna murder him!" they heard someone shout from the other side of a shelf as they entered.

"Hmm…" Mateus peered through a crack in said shelf and saw WoL, Firion (still clutching his crotch, he was pleased to see) an OK, looking at chainsaws and machine guns.

"That is precisely our mission," WoL agreed. "We are to kill our Chaos counterparts so that they'll stop annoying us every day,"

"That CoD is nothin' to me!" OK declared pompously. Mateus felt CoD tense up in annoyance. "I beat her up and rescued Terra with no problems! Her Ex Burst sucks and is easy to block, anyway,"

"Why that…" CoD said with a demonic voice. "We are not amused!"

"Now, now…" Mateus held out an arm. "Let us wait for the opportune moment,"

"What're ya doin'? Let me in on it!" Jecht shouted obnoxiously, coming up to his allies.

"Silence!" Mateus snapped, but the heroes had already heard.

"It's them!" WoL summoned his sword and shield.

"I'm ready! Are you?" OK added.

"Always ready!" Firion added. Mateus sighed and shook his head.

"Run amok!" he blew up the shelf and sent an avalanche of chainsaws falling on the three Cosmos dorks.

"I…have a mission to fulfill…" WoL moaned as he twitched feebly under the pile of machines.

"Is my dream over?" Firion muttered, pulling a chainsaw out of his crotch.

"Leave me alone!" OK retorted in a wussy fashion.

"Uh, oh…" Mateus spotted Security coming and grabbed CoD by the arm. "A temporary withdrawal would be prudent," And then they sunk into the floor, leaving Jecht at the scene of the crime.

"Hey, wait a minute!" he objected as he was tackled by several fat guys and dragged out. "I didn't do anything! Hey! You'll hear from my attorneys! No one manhandles the Great Jecht!"

Sephiroth and Ultimecia were sitting in the ice cream parlor, idly gorging on ice cream and making fun of Kuja.

"Did you see his face when the chocolate syrup hit his hair? Priceless!" Sephiroth laughed.

"Yes, and then he chased Kefka around for 3 hours afterward, shouting about how it would take hours to scrub it out!" Ultimecia cackled.

"And then he fell in that mud puddle and Kefka patted his butt and ran off," Sephiroth continued.

"And then he ran off to his room and cried for the next two days!" Ultimecia concluded. The laughing went on for several minutes, drawing stares from some of the other customers. Suddenly, though, Mateus and CoD fell out of the ceiling over the booth next to the other pair and landed, none too gently, across the table.

"Ugh…this is barely amusing…" the Emperor complained, sliding into the seat and rubbing his injured hip. CoD, being barely affected, looked around and saw where they were. "…need to practice your teleporting…" the Emperor continued to grumble in his self-important, snooty fashion. He finally put a lid on it when an ice cream cone was pushed in front of his face. "Palamecian blueberry…" he took it. "You know my favorite flavor,"

"You buy a dozen quarts of it every time you do the group shopping," CoD pointed out, hiding a slight blush.

"It is a unique flavor…Exdeath and I had a bit of a wrestling match one evening over the last quart," Mateus said absently, tasting the reminder of the home he had left. Perhaps he should have appreciated it more instead of trying to conquer everybody…No…that's not how I think…I love conquering and I love sweets. Is that not enough? But what of the Cloud of Darkness? Hmm…I allow my thoughts to run amok too freely…

"Mateus," Sephiroth said from the booth adjacent. "Ultimecia and I were planning to go mess with Cloud and Terra later when they're on a date. Wanna come with?"

"Of course," he let out an amused chuckle. "I love to see pitiful worms squirm. How about it, CoD?"

"Yes, it would be an amusing step closer to the Void,"

An hour later, at the Lunar Subterrane…

"What do you think the others are doing?" Terra asked as she and Cloud walked along in the lunar dust.

"Not interested," Cloud replied. "Those guys are always up to something stupid. We're the only ones that…"

"That's not true," Terra replied. "They're just…a little…eccentric at times…"

On the ridge above…

"I can't stop laughing!" Kefka exclaimed in a crazy fashion.

"How did he get involved in this?" Sephiroth said with his face in his hand.

"He followed us," Mateus reminded him.

"Should I send him to the Void?" CoD inquired.

"Go ahead," Ultimecia said.

"AHHHHH!" Kefka screamed an earsplitting scream as he was fried by a giant laser.

Below…

They both turned quickly in the direction the scream came from.

"What was that?" Cloud muttered, holding his sword.

"It sounded like…Kefka…" Terra observed. "Let's go somewhere else,"

The ridge…

Kefka twitched on the ground, crispy and black.

"Why am I not moving?" he asked quietly, not knowing what hit him.

"Heavens…they fled, thanks to your antics, jester," Mateus said with superb disdain.

"Turtle!" Exdeath suddenly popped up from a ring. "We need to go bail out Chaos and Jecht,"

"Awwww!" Kefka whined, managing to get back up after chugging a potion. "I wanted to play more!" Everyone gave him an odd look.

Rift Security…

"Let me out of this infernal cage!" Chaos demanded, using every attack in his repertoire against the bars.

"Shut up for a minute!" Jecht shouted. "All you've done for the past hour and a half is complain!"

"I admire your bestial instincts…" Chaos muttered dejectedly, sitting down on the bed.

"Bail's here!" one of the random officer guys announced.

"Finally!" Chaos jumped up excitedly.

"You know, I always imagined this situation the other way around," Sephiroth commented.

"Shut up and pay the bail!" Chaos raged.

"Turtle!" Exdeath exclaimed randomly. Mateus rolled his perfect eyes.

"All right…I'll free you from this fantasy," he forked over 100,000 gil and the cages opened for Chaos and Jecht.

"Don't forget, your trials are tomorrow," the guard said in a bored fashion.

"I'll put an end to your endless dream!" Chaos retorted hotly.

"The truly mighty must be leashed," CoD warned him, wrapping her snakes around his wrists.

"Your nightmares will be dark…" the god of discord muttered darkly as he was led out.


Poor Chaos. That's no way to treat a really violent demon-looking guy who's tearing up the mall. Remember to review so I know if this is "barely amusing" or "an adequate diversion".