Chapter 4: Don't Sweat It
Ryo's POV
I lay in the silence of our bedroom. My bedroom. Over the years that Dee and I had been together he had become a regular fixture within the walls of my apartment.
He and Bikky got on well, despite the semi-constant bickering and witty banter. They had their moments too, though. Also on the plus side, Bikky had learned to accept that once Dee and I retired to our bedroom it was entirely "Adult Time" and he had to stay out. He also somehow learned to accept that Dee did do the 'perverted' things he once tried to protect me from.
But tonight, the night before our three-year anniversary, for some reason Dee decided to sleep at his place. I pondered over what he could have planned for our anniversary. He had sweetly hinted at a romantic dinner out, but that means I'd have to figure out where Bikky would stay for that missing time, and tomorrow night. No doubt tomorrow night would be a very special occasion for both of us.
However, he deciding to sleep there rather than here with me must mean he's plotting up something good. Maybe a classic, like rose peddles leading to the bedroom, or something original… I couldn't think up anything original on my own, so I rolled to the side and tried to put it out of my mind. It was a near-impossible feat. Three years was a good amount of time. My personal longest relationship. Dee's too, he had told me.
Maybe a ring. Maybe he wanted to go to his place so he wouldn't have to explain why he was leaving. Leaving to get me a ring. Thrills ran through my body when I thought about it. A proposal on the three-year anniversary, who could want more?
Trying to imagine just what kind of band Dee would buy, I let myself finally slip into sleep.
I jerked awake to Dee banging on my apartment door. For an instant I thought I had overslept and didn't pick him up for our carpool.
Dee's license had been temporarily suspended for reasons he initially told me were mistakes. It turned out he had been speeding, as was common for him, but he got ticketed a few too many times in one week for Chief Rose to ignore. Honestly, it wasn't very police-like behavior, but that was Dee for you.
I sat up in bed, thoroughly confused when I found it to still be dark out. Pitch black. I checked my clock. 2:02 am stared back at me with lopsided, luminous red eyes. I threw my covers off myself and headed to the front door, which Dee seemed to pound on harder and more ferociously with only brief pauses between each spasm.
"What is it, Dee?" I whispered out at him from the doorway.
"Aren't you going to invite me in?" He said roughly back, pushing his way past me.
"You could have woken up the whole neighborhood with all that noise." I grumbled, snapping the door shut and locking it again.
Bikky's door creaked open and he stood in it, rubbing puffy eyes, peering out into the dark room Dee stood tensely in the middle of.
"What's goin' on?" Asked his sleep-cogged little voice.
"Nothing." I answered quietly, going over to him, ruffling his hair a little. "Dee just came home, that's all. You want some hot chocolate, Bikky? It'll help you get back to sleep." I offered.
"Ryo, I need to talk to you. It's urgent. Really urgent." Dee panted. I tilted my head at him a little, welcoming whatever it was that got him in such a state.
"Privately." He clarified, borderline panic in his raspy voice.
"Hey, Ryo, no offense, but I'll pass on that cocoa." Bikky offered from his doorway.
"Okay, well, do you want me to come in and tuck you in?" I inquired softly.
"I'm almost sixteen, dad, I don't need you to tuck me in anymore. Besides, whatever Dee has to say is real important. Headphone time." I pecked him on the forehead, which he promptly wiped off and bade Dee goodnight before heading in to sleep, locking his door behind himself. I crossed to Dee.
"Why didn't you use your key?" I asked gently, wrapping my arms around Dee's waist.
"Don't touch me right now!" he snapped in a whisper, flinging my hands off him. I was taken so far aback I might as well have been thrown through Bikky's bedroom wall. I had thought maybe he realized he couldn't make it a night alone in his bed. I was obviously wrong. "I need to talk. I'm sorry. I didn't mean to be so mean. I'm sorry."
"It's alright." I answered, pondering whether it would be okay for me to touch him now to let him know I forgave him. I decided against it. "What do you need to talk about?"
"Let's talk in the room." He took me by the arm in a sharp grip and dragged me into our room. Once he finally dropped me from his fierce grip I sat on the bed, watching him pace like a maniac. As he strode to-and-fro his throat worked itself loudly, swallowing and clearing itself. I suddenly worried something horrible had happened, maybe he hadn't been able to afford the ring, or his reservations had been cancelled. Or worse.
"Dee, what's this about?" I asked cautiously.
"I need you to take care of me." I raised my eyebrow at him. Didn't I do enough of that? Doing his laundry, washing his dishes? He must have recognized the look in his face, because he tried to clarify himself. "I need you to… watch over me tonight."
"Why?" I questioned.
"I just need you to stay awake with me." He was obviously avoiding the question.
"What for?" I enunciated my words as carefully as I could. I did not want to lose that much sleep tonight. I figured it was okay if he wanted to make love, we could sleep afterwards, but what did he expect us to do? Waste precious sleeping hours twiddling our thumbs?
Dee didn't answer me, but he came to the bed, crawled on, kicked his jeans off, and crawled under the covers.
"Hold me." He purred. "Just stay awake and hold me." I smiled comfortingly and peeled my shirt off, joining him under the blankets. But when I settled myself in his arms I felt his body trembling, and feel the heat he was giving off. I shifted, setting my hand on his chest. Usually feeling his strong heartbeat would comfort me. Tonight it scared me shitless. It felt as if it was trying its hardest to break it's way out of Dee's ribcage.
"Dee, your heart-" I started, reaching a hand up to touch his face. He flinched when my palm came into view, as if I might strike him. I was further surprised by that. Neither of us had, or ever would raise a hand to one another. Why would he flinch like that? "Are you okay? You're trembling all over-" I withdrew my hand from near his face and held onto his arm instead. It was less like trembling, more like an insistent vibrating.
"Ryo." He stared into my worried eyes, his playing a quick game of tennis from one of mine to the other. "Ryo, I did it again. I know I shouldn't have, but I did."
"What'd you do?" I encouraged, more than a little confused.
"Coke. I did it. At home. Now I feel like I'm swallowing my uvula, I can't breathe."
Coke. My eyes went as wide as his were. Cocaine? My Dee, doing cocaine after the whole…? Where did he get it? Why? Why would he do that? He of all people should know the dangers of drugs, after his friend when he was growing up… Arnon, and Jess. He should know. I wanted to scold him, wanted to shake him and interrogate him, but I couldn't bring myself to do any of it. I just lay there dumbly, pressed between his twitching fingers that were tangled in my hair and his sweaty, pounding chest.
"So… you want me to watch you?" I asked stupidly. He had just told me that, and here I had to repeat it. Like a jackass.
"Make sure I keep breathing." My heart skipped a beat. Respiratory arrest. One of the dangers of cocaine. Along with Cardiac arrest, OD'ing. I noticed for the first time that his chest was heaving against me; the look on his face told me he was focusing all his attention on keeping his lungs functioning. It was all probably in his head, delusions. Cocaine caused those too. If take in too large a dose (but not enough for an overdose) it could also cause hallucinations, be they auditory or otherwise. Though auditory was most common.
I was given a task by my shaken, desperate lover, and I knew I couldn't let him down, especially if what he was feeling really wasn't a delusion and he was about to become dangerously close to being a statistic.
"Okay." I murmured, trying to hide my hurt that he would do something like this. IT wasn't the Dee I knew to pull something like this. Okay, he was kind of known for deviating from regulation every once in a while (maybe more often than that), but I would never expect something this. "How did this happen?" I begged of him, feeling panic welling up in me. I had to be very, very watchful tonight for any change in behavior, and it was going to be a long four hours, but first I needed a few answers.
"Well, I was just going to do one line. So I did. I didn't feel much different, I was lying in bed on my stomach, watching the clock. Suddenly it was an hour later, so I did another line, cause I didn't feel much of anything. Then it was another hour later, every time I looked at the clock. Each our I did more because I wasn't feeling it. Then I was doing sit-ups because I felt it, I had to move, okay? Then my throat started to feel funny, so I looked at it in a mirror, checking on it, I stuck my fingers down my throat, and sure enough it wasn't working, it was like it had an… erectile dysfunction or something. Then I sat down, tried to calm down, and the air was going into my stomach, and my spit into my lungs and-" He didn't seem to be able to go on. I couldn't imagine anyone that would want to feel like that. "Then I had to think about breathing, I thought I was going to die, Ryo. I kept seeing them finding me tomorrow, or days down the road, dead. I thought it was respiratory failure."
I didn't know how to respond to his rushed words, so I nodded a little and rubbed his hot flesh.
"Are you ever going to do it again?" I asked gently. I prayed he never would. Drugs were not things anyone should be involved with. Much less an officer of the law, and my partner in every aspect of the word.
"No, no, never." I nodded again and uttered a quiet 'Good.' Before letting myself relax further into his arms.
"You should try to get some sleep. You can't go two nights without." I murmured.
"I'll try." Dee snuggled into my arms and closed his eyes, which popped open again almost immediately. HE closed them again stubbornly. Soon his breath was calm and deep, but his body frequently jolted, as if reminding him there was a drug raging through his system that wanted him awake. I let my own breathing slack. After a few minutes of feeling about ready to drift off I felt Dee shaking me gently. "Ryo, wake up."
"I'm awake." I muttered.
"No you're not, you were snoring. I need you to stay awake."
"I am awake." I groaned, peeking at him from under my eyelashes. "I wasn't snoring."
"Yes you were, stay awake." I rolled my eyes and close them. Auditory hallucinations. If he had taken enough to OD on he wouldn't have made it to my apartment. He would have died at his own place. My eyes flew open, imagining that could've easily happened. Inexperienced and Uninformed, the most dangerous kind of drug use sent my Dee into a drug-induced freak-out when it could've landed him in a coma or worse. But he would be okay after tonight. He was going to live, even if he didn't get much sleep, and he had told me he would never use again after this. So everything would be better in the morning. We stayed like that, his jerks becoming less pronounced and less frequent as the morning wore on.
The sun rose. When my alarm went off we rose together, showered, his symptoms still persisted, making me insist he stayed home for the day. He refused, saying he would be fine. I tried to get him to wear a tie, our anniversary being kind of formal, I'd like him to look nice, though I didn't say that. He fussed about it and ended up throwing his tie at me. Sleep deprivation was not going to make Dee into a happy camper today, of all days.
But that was okay. It was understandable. He won't do it again. It would be okay. We'd get past this speed-bump easily, and everything would be normal again. This was just a little bump, not a road-block at all. It will all be okay.
'When you're quiet but your eyes are saying everything I need to know
I want to burrow like a sparrow, dodging alley cats and whiskers
Why do we talk in whispers? Is it painful hearing voices ring
So early in the morning?
I've been waiting for the day where I can throw away
These numbers that line my dresser drawers and cupboards,
Start me over
Life seems so much slower with your toothbrush by the mirror
Can I make it any clearer?
[Chorus And I just might tell you tonight, and I just might tell you tonight,
And I just might tell you tonight that I love you and you should stay all my life
They'll tell you that you'll maybe make it
If you just cut your clothes and change your hair
Well I wont fuss and moan 'bout what you wear
I feel so much better when I read your dirty letters
Just wear your sweater in the winter
I wouldn't want you to get cold
I hope that we're together when we're old
I would've sold all my possessions
Never took piano lessons
But, baby, you're a Grand and I will learn to play the good notes
And tune you up the best I can
[Chorus And I just might tell you tonight, and I just might tell you tonight,
And I just might tell you tonight that I love you and you should stay all my life'
-Might Tell You Tonight
-by
(1)This whole thinking your uvula is dripping down your throat paranoia, where you feel like your inhaling spit and the air is going into your stomach, and the having to consciously think about air filling you lungs to keep them working, and the auditory hallucinations of snoring did happen to me. (and time elapses by the hour- the whole on-your-stomach-staring-at-a-clock and it being an hour later and doing another line each time you look at it also happened to me). This all occurred in a single terrifying night last February. I also did seek help, so I could be watched and not die in the night with a line set up next to my bed, which I had. So keep in mind, this is written from experience, and NOT RECOMMENDED AT ALL FOR ANYONE TO DO. EVER.
(2) Scissor Sisters- my favorite band, singer: Jake Shears (legally Jason Sellards)-gay, singer: Ana Matronic (legally Ana Lynch)-straight, bassist/keyboardist: Babydaddy (legally Scott Hoffman)-gay, guitarist: Del Marquis (legally David Gruen)-gay, drummer: Paddyboom (legally Patrick Seacor)-straight, unofficial member(dj): JJ Garden-unknown. The song does not tie in to the story much, but I believe it gives off a little of how Ryo feels about Dee in general. Scissor Sisters are from New York, are presently touring with their new CD, they are most widely known for their first single Take Your Mama, which is about taking your mother out, getting her drunk, and telling her you're gay. Also known for Laura which is about the girl who was found wrapped in plastic, "dead as fuck" as Jake Shears so lovingly puts it, on the riverbank of the town Twin Peaks (Yes the David Lynch show/movie, Twin Peaks/Twin Peaks: Fire Walk with Me). Filthy/Gorgeous is another song they're kind'a known for about… uh, drag queens tripping on acid or something? But their new song is out now I Don't Feel Like Dancin'. And She's My Man. I went to the first concert of thier tour last September! Friggin amazing in concert, they put on such a show!! I'm trying to squeeze in too much info. I'm done now (No more caffeine for me).
A/N: There it is. I hammered this story out from my poor aching fingertips tonight with the aide of coffee, a much more healthy stimulant. I love the claka-claka-claka of the computer keyboard. The only sound that's better is a typewriter, but alas, I would have no way to post this that way. This way… that way… "But I don't want to go among mad people" remarked Alice. Pop Culture Trivia: Did you know that the girl that Lewis Carroll based Alice on had the initials "L.S."? Hence the name Al-ice.
THANKS YOU SO MUCH FOR YOUR CONTINUING SUPPORT RYU-SHU AND KITKAT!! 3 LOTS'A LOVE PARA VOUS!
