"They won't see me run, who can blame them? They seem to catch my eye, but I never wondered why I won't fall asleep."

"Tiptoe" by Imagine Dragons

Chapter Three- Three Days Before Capture: part 2

"Do you know why I have called you here today Leonardo?"

It took all of the teen's power not to shift uneasily as he knelt under his father's piercing gaze, "I'm not sure Master. I assume something is wrong."

"I trust you have noticed Raphael's recent behavior."

"Yeah, he's being a real jerk." Leo said before he could stop himself, and he looked up quickly, "Forgive me sensei, I-"

Splinter dismissed it with a wave of his hand, and Leonardo hastily returned his gaze to the floor. "Your brother is not himself, and he refuses to inform me what is amiss. In addition, while you four are accident prone- none of my sons can be called clumsy." He raised his eyebrows meaningfully as Leo looked up at him once more.

"You don't believe Donny tripped either, do you sensei?" Leo's nagging suspicions were cleared up at once.

Splinter shook his head. "I would advise you to step in before things get out of hand, or I fear the bonds of our family will be severely tested."

"Hai sensei."

Leo agonized for hours in meditation, trying to devise a way to get Raphael to open up without further aggravating his hot-tempered brother. Truthfully he'd been worried for a while; Raphael had developed the same dark circles under his eyes as Donatello and his reflexes were slowing with every training session.

For months now, Raphael's temper had been frayed at best. What used to be playful jabs at his brothers had turned spiteful and full of negativity. Even Casey had asked them discreetly if anything was going on with his best friend. No amount of additional training exercises or punishment by Splinter had seemed to work. Leo was starting to forget what his second youngest brother used to be like. Donatello had mentioned hormones as a possible culprit but, for all his research and Raphael's lack of cooperation, was not turning up answers.

It wasn't enough that the turtle seemed to have a seriously depleted sleeping schedule- he'd suffered a panic attack while the family watched a movie only last week; that was when it became blatantly obvious that something had to be done.

-1 week ago-

That night, the movie had been Chamber of Secrets. Michelangelo's books of choice to read when any of them were sick were the Harry Potter books, and his avid storytelling had kept everyone's interest peaked for years. They were rather enjoying it- even Donatello had laid the book aside and stopped comparing the two- until Harry and Ron began following the spiders. Michelangelo yelped and huddled into Leo's side when Aragog came out, and Leo's arm tightened instinctively around his younger brother.

Suddenly Donatello interrupted the giant spider's monologue, "Raph- are you okay?"

The others twisted to look over in alarm and quickly realized something was amiss. Raphael was staring wide-eyed at the screen, not blinking. A fine sheen of sweat had broken out on his face and neck, and he was trembling almost imperceptibly.

"Mikey- go get Splinter." Leo ordered quickly under his breath so as to not startle his brothers. "What's wrong with him?" he looked around at Donatello as Michelangelo leapt off the couch.

The brainy turtle inhaled sharply as he came to a sudden realization and dove for the remote to turn off the movie. "Panic attack," he said grimly, "Give him some air."

He clambered up next to his ailing brother. The turtle's breathing was erratic and shallow; ragged gasps punctuated with small whimpers "He could pass out," Donatello hissed, "Help me calm him down." And to his brother, "Head between your knees buddy."

Leo knelt in front of Raphael, "Everything's okay Raphael- just focus on my voice."

"Follow Leo's breathing pattern," Donatello said, currently rubbing his brother's shell in large circles. "Heh. That's a little ironic when you think about it."

Leo rolled his eyes, "Well ha ha ha." A thought struck him, "My inhaler wouldn't do much for him would it?"

"No- but if he doesn't stop we might need to get him an oxygen mask. Come on Raph, you can do it!" Donatello encouraged.

They managed to stop Raphael's hyperventilating just as Michelangelo re-entered the den dragging Splinter by the hand moments later.

"Sensei!" Leonardo leapt to his feet.

"My sons," Splinter slowed his pace, "What has happened? Is he ill?"

"He had a panic attack sensei." Donatello said, "I should have known- I didn't realize the scene would be so vivid-"

"It is well Donatello," Splinter lifted a hand to forestall further apology and approached his still slightly trembling son. "Raphael?"

Raphael lifted his head slowly at his father's touch, and groaned mentally. He still felt weak and shivery despite sitting on the couch. Not to mention the beginnings of humiliation and shame were cropping up. He hated that he'd gone to pieces- fallen apart in front of the whole family.

"Raphael." Splinter's voice brought him back to the present. "What ails you my son?"

Raphael steeled himself, "Nothin." He started to get up, resisting his father's hold.

"What." Leo and Don exchanged glances.

"But Raph you were totally wiggin' out on us dude-"

"I'm fine. Would ya drop it already?" Raphael snapped, using his last reserves of strength to knock Splinter's hand away and getting to his feet unsteadily. "I'm just tired and the spiders freaked me out a little. Whose idea was it to watch this dumb movie anyway? I'm goin' ta bed."

"But-" Michelangelo looked helplessly at his older brothers as Raphael stumbled to his room.

It was Master Splinter who recovered from the shock first, "Raphael! We have not finished." He started after the turtle, but the damage was done. The remaining brothers drifted silently to their respective rooms. The next day and for the rest of the week, Raphael had done his best to not make any mention of the episode, and had refused to open up to Donatello's questions.

The eldest turtle finally left the dojo late at night and made his customary rounds to each of his brothers' rooms, thankful that Donatello was finally getting some sleep. Raphael's door was shut, as usual. As he walked past, a familiar sound made him stop in his tracks. This was something he was used to hearing from Michelangelo's room, or even that of Donatello.

Was he crying?

He stood silently, an inner battle raging. He's been such a hothead lately. He'd attacked Donatello. He'd also clearly been victimizing Mikey to the extent that the youngest made sure to avoid the turtle. In the end the older brother instincts won out and he tapped on the door gently, "Raph?" He frowned when he got no answer, and proceeded to push the door open, holding his breath. This could be your chance Leo, don't blow it.

Raphael was huddled on the floor, trembling and whimpering. "Raphael, what-?" he quickly knelt in front of his brother.

The turtle was breathing shallowly- sweat glistened on his face as he rocked back and forth. Leo nearly called for their father but was quickly preoccupied as Raphael started hyperventilating. "Whoa- relax bud. Feel my chest."

He took one of Raphael's hands and guided it to his plastron. "Breathe Raph, you can do it. You don't want to pass out do you?"

He flashed back to the movie. Raphael moaned and buried his face in his brother's shoulder.

"Let the air come Raph." Leonardo lapsed into their native Japanese in hopes of soothing his brother, "Everything is okay. You're okay. I've got you." Leo wrapped his arms around the turtle like he'd used to do when they were little and the younger would wake from a nightmare. Of course they were bigger now and he had some difficulty, but he still managed to rock him gently back and forth.

Raphael's breathing slowed, and the red-masked turtle blinked rapidly as he felt his senses return to him. Leo?! "What the hell?" he scrambled backwards out of his brother's hold, heart still pounding from the episode. "What are ya doin' in my room?"

"I heard- you were crying!" Leonardo stumbled over his words and forgot everything he had been about to say as Raphael shoved him out, slamming the door shut and fumbling with the lock.

Leo huffed in frustration, pounding a fist on the door in vain; he definitely wasn't getting anywhere tonight.

What aren't you telling us Raph?

Meanwhile Raphael stumbled back to his corner, completely bypassing the hammock, and covered his face with both hands, trying to regain control of himself. Shit shit shit. His thoughts were racing. That did NOT just happen. He felt like screaming at the injustice of it all. He'd kept it so well hidden the last time- no one had heard his cries muffled by the pillow. But that last flashback had hit hard.

He was getting worse and worse at controlling himself. It had gone on for so long; he'd started to call them flashbacks. Déjà vu was too light a term to reference the horrific imagery from his nightmares that were now triggered by reality. The dreams had only been going on for a couple of months, but already he'd forgotten what it meant to wake up well-rested. He regularly felt as though hot sand was being thrown in his eyes, and he was always exhausted. More than anything he wanted to fall asleep without worrying about the consequences of his rabid mind.

Even lying down caused him to start feeling anxious- and so the only sleep he was able to get was when he passed out from exhaustion. Being awake held no solace for him, as the creatures from his dreams were still present in the real world- if only slightly less noticeably. He was so focused on keeping the images at bay that he had absolutely no energy or patience to deal with his family- any interactions he had with them in the past three weeks had been reckless and laced with his own desperation at his predicament. He was starting to feel like he had no control over his body or mind- and that realization was slowly tearing him apart.

When will this end…

A/N: These first few chapters are a struggle I know- I can't wait to get the story rolling! We just have to get through this first- patience my lovely readers:]