Chapter 4:

A/N: This chapter gets a little more on the depressing side, so If you are not comfortable reading please don't read after they get out of the car, because it's a touchy subject. Thank you.

TRIS POV:

"Tobias." I whisper, my voice not able to go up an octave.

His eyes go wide as he begins to recognize my face and who I am-or was-to him.

"Tris." He speaks, his voice holding back so much sorrow, but yet still filled with it.

"I'm sorry...do you two know each other?" Christina butts in, looking back and forth between the two of us.

I don't reply to her question but instead say, "If you will excuse me, I've gotta go." My voice finally working for a moment, along with my legs. I know that the longer I stay there, Tobias's deep blue eyes staring into mine, the more chance I have to have a mental breakdown.

"But you came with me!" Christina yells, but it's too late, I'm already running all the way off the field. By the time I make it to the sidewalk outside the school grounds, I'm winded, and in need of water.

I don't realize I'm crying until a tear hits the skin on my hand while I'm leaning down catching my breath. I bend down further, hands on my knees and I can't stop the next sob the wracks my body. After about two minutes of this, I hear footsteps coming near me, so I stand up straighter, still not able to see through my tear/fogged eyes.

"I don't need you here, I'm fine." I state, tears still streaming down my face, not helping my case.

"Even if it's me."

Tobias.

Another sob waves through my body and I fall to the ground, my legs unable to support myself anymore. Tobias rushes over sitting next to me, guiding me to sit up. We sit in silence for a while, me crying into my hands, his large hand rubbing my back.

"Please leave me alone." I whisper through tears, not raising my head an inch.

"Tris I-"

"No." I demand, my head shooting up. "I don't care who we used to be to each other. You left me."

His hand has stopped the gentle circles, and has returned to his side. I watch closely as he drops his head, hanging it, and we sit this way for much too long, students fleeing around us, ignoring the two people sitting on the curb. Eventually Christina approaches us, her eyes flashing with worry.

"Hey," she speaks softly looking at us, "I'm leaving now."

I nod my head preparing myself to get up and face everyone when Tobias reaches out hanging onto my arm. He pulls it down with just enough force so that I have to take a seat again.

"I can take her home." Tobias offers and before I can reject it, Christina has left, leaving with a sad smile.

As soon as she's out of sight, and not many people are exiting the football field, I stand abruptly, yanking my arm from his grasp. I begin to walk in the general direction of my house when I feel a soft touch on my shoulder, being Tobias of course.

"Tris wait." He stops me, turning me around so I have to look at him. "I'm bringing you home."

I shake my head, side to side fast in response, my words still not trustworthy.

"Please. I want to talk."

Instead of denying him, I roll my eyes, shoving his hand off me while walking in the general direction of the parking lot. I stop, waiting for his to pass by me and lead me to is car but he never does. I sigh again, rolling my eyes, turning around and to stare at Tobias as he stands there, the same expression of shock mixed with confusion plastered on his face.

"Are you going to take me home because, like I said, I'm fine with driving myself home." I say raising my eyebrows the look I'm giving him, almost a glare. I watch as his head nods slowly, his legs pushing him towards me, passing by headed towards a dull black camaro.

He unlocks the car, and is about to open my door for me before I stop him, opening the door myself while dropping into the car. I watch as he walks around the cars front, his black undershirt making it harder to see him in the night sky. I ignore the way his muscles bulge from underneath his sleeves, his eyes traveling to me as he sit in the car himself.

He shuts the door without taking his eyes off me, "Can we please talk?"

I close my eyes facing my head forwards not speaking and I can hear him huff. The car starts and I open my eyes when he begins to back out of his parking space. He drives until we are almost out of the school parking lot, then he stops the car looking at me.

I expect him to say something about talking to me but instead he says, "I need to know where you live." I tell him my address and his eyes get wide, staring into mine when I turn to him. "I live in that neighborhood."

"Great." I sigh sarcastically wishing I could go back and just left with Christina.

He pulls out heading towards 'our' neighborhood, and after five minutes the silence starts to ring in my ears, making me feel like I'm going crazy. I lean over and turn the radio on, the music playing softly, and I turn towards the window. I watch the weather, a few lightning strikes hitting the ground in the distance, one singular drop falling to my window. One after another more rain drops pound the window, and my eyes study the water starting to flow down the road as we drive by houses.

He pulls up to my brown two story house, putting the car in park and looking at me.

"Can we please talk...or at least give me a chance to explain why I never answered your calls." He pleads desperately, his ocean blue eyes drowning me like they always seem to do.

"Fine, go for it." I say impatiently, looking at him showing no emotion on my face.

"I want to say first off that I'm sorry. Tris, I didn't want to hurt you. I loved you and I was scared you would only yell at me on the phone, talking about how much you hated me for leaving you. Leaving you made my life hell an-"

"No," I cut him off knowing where he is going, "you can not say that your life was hell Tobias. Rachel, Ivan, and Mckenna all betrayed me when you left, they told all my secrets to everyone and they ended up doing horrible things to me. Ivan punched me a couple times and Rachel and Mckenna abused me verbally. I did things I regret, and I still do them because I can't stop. You put me in that position because you left."

By the time I'm done I'm yelling, throwing my hands in the air out of frustration, I can't take the pain anymore. It's like a knife digging into my chest, and I can't take it anymore, I want it to stop, my life to stop.

"Tris, I'm sorry." He whispers and I rip the car door open ignoring his apologies. I begin to walk, in the rain, up the sidewalk, to my house, ready to walk inside when he hops out of the car rushing to me. "Tris, wait."

"Shut up Tobias! Don't you get it? I don't want to see you anymore. I'm done. You left me...and now I'm leaving you." I say my voice getting quieter and quieter as my sentences go on.

I try to walk into my house, my hand unlocking it as fast as I possibly could and I'm about to yank it open when he grasps onto my sleeve, pulling it up as I squirm to get away. His hand laces around my arm, fingertips brushing up against my new marks on the inside of my wrist.

I try to shove him away but he doesn't budge, his hand firmly placed, and when his eyebrows bunch up together in confusion, his face looking down at my arm as he turns it around, I know he knows. My eyes begin to water as I look down at my scarred arm, nervous of his reaction. Two of the scars look brand new as they had been put there two nights ago, but the other ones look bumpy and old, my skin in the area popping out, a reddish pink color tone.

"Tris, what have you done." he gasps, worry and shock clear in his deep voice.

I know he knows, and I know there is no lying now because it's out, he knows one of my darkest secrets. "I gave myself what I deserve." I reply softly, goosebumps rising on my arms when he looks up into my eyes.

His normally deep blue irises have turned a cold dark blue, sorrow filled in them. The tears are definitely there, ready to fall from those beautiful eyes, one by one trickling down his face. I put those tear in his eyes, a grown almost adult, eyes watering at the sight of something I deserved and still do. I know the longer I stay out here and pretend like my insides are splitting apart, the longer I'm also making him suffer.

I disappear inside my house as fast as I can, ignoring the repetitive knocks at the door. His pleas and cries are heard but I don't act on them, instead I run up the steps, trying to get away for the pounds on the wood frame. Once I make it to my room, I look in my mirror, my red puffy eyes are first thing noticeable, and the tears are still coming, hitting my dresser as they plummet.

Caleb isn't home and won't be for another thirty minutes, and that should be enough time I hope, enough time to make the pain stop. I close my eyes, repulsed by my reflection, the way my nose is too long, and my body too small. I'm done with Tobias, and I know the pros and cons of living, and it seems like my cons are overruling my life.

I can still hear faint knocks on the door from Tobias, and I know he's desperate to see me, but I can't anymore. Tobias left me so I wouldn't go for him anymore, maybe I should leave for him this time. I deserve it.

I glance at the clock in the corner of my eye and I know I only have about twenty minutes until Caleb arrives, so I will have to make this quick. I write a note explaining my reasoning, and I make sure Caleb, my mom and dad all know it had nothing to do with them. I leave it on my bed after I signed it know it would be the last thing I ever wrote.

I unlock my bedroom door, instead locking myself in the bathroom leaning over to take out the medicine I keep for my migraines. Shaking the bottle around makes it sound like it only has a few pill but when it's opened, it has more than enough. I take a seat on the bath towel set on the floor for my feet when I walk out of the shower, and I slump against it getting relaxed. Reaching up, I feel for my razor, deciding to add a few marks to cause the torture I deserve.

I pour four pills into my hand from the bottle, dry swallowing them knowing that it will have more effect. About five minutes after, I take another four, slicing my arm every time I take pills, watching the red crimson blood ooze out of my cuts. My head gets foggy, my mind slowing down as I take another shot of five pills.

Now the pounding downstairs has stopped and I listen as best I can as the footsteps travel closer and closer. Their in my bedroom now, taking their time, probably reading my letter, and I know I have to speed it up. I take six more, gulping them down one by one, choking on them as they slid down my throat. So far I've taken fourteen, and there are only four left. I close my eyes as I add one more cut on top of a recent gash, more blood flows out.

My vision is blurred, my head spinning as I look at the door when the hammering begins, rapping against my down hard enough to make a hole. My head pounds every time the fist does and I don't feel my body tumble to the ground, falling over from my sitting position.

My head is in so much pain I just want it to end, or to take it back. The pounds double in seconds and I know I don't have much time left as the black dots invade my vision. My brain has all but exploded, killing me on the inside and all I want to do is go back, but I cant.

The things I just did are almost over, I've taken to many to go back now that my head hurts, and I can't be a wimp too. Me doing this already makes me a coward, but of course since I will be dead, their not aloud to call me of the such.

All I can think about is my first kiss, and it's the only thing I want to think about. As the black dots have swallowed all the color and sight I had left, I'm drifted off into the dark, my mind going still with my body.

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~Divergent24-7