Beautiful Oblivion
My first NCIS story. The team is involved in a shoot out in an abandoned warehouse. One member is injured. Love and tragedy are inevitable. Kibbs romance. The POV is Gibbs'. Please read and review!
Disclaimer: I don't own NCIS, which sucks, because sometimes I'm convinced I could come up with better storylines than TPTB. That and I'd put Kate with Tony and get it over with.
Chapter 4: Heartache Every Moment
I walked into the bullpen the Monday after Kate's funeral. It was still early in the morning. Rain was pouring from the grey clouds that hung low over the city outside. The weather betrayed my mood. I sat at my desk and flipped unseeingly through a few case files as I waited for someone else to show up. It was quite in the bullpen, which I was grateful for at the moment, but the bustling chaos of another day would be a welcome change from the sounds of my guilt ringing in my ears, the only sound I had heard for days. I glanced at my watch, 8:58 am. Staff would start arriving momentarily, grateful for the warming dryness of the indoors. I could see how the day would be off to a sluggish start with the torrent outside drowning any and all aspirations of accomplishment for the day. The silence in the bullpen was growing too loud, so I decided to go down to the morgue and check to see if Ducky had gotten in yet.
The elevator ride down to the basement was a slow one. The walls seemed to be closing in on me. I took a deep breath and sighed, waiting for the elevator doors to open. As I stepped off of the elevator into the morgue, I noticed the lights in the autopsy room were still off. Ducky wasn't in yet. I turned to head upstairs when I heard the elevator doors slide open again. I spun around and almost crashed into Ducky. He looked just as disheveled as I felt.
"Good morning, Jethro. Lovely weather we're having, isn't it?" He asked jokingly.
"Yeah, if you're a duck. No pun intended," I replied with false humor.
"Was there something in particular you needed this morning, agent Gibbs? You seem to have a bee in your bonnet," Ducky said pointedly.
"I wanted to ask you something about Kate," I said hoarsely.
It still hurt to talk about her. It probably always would.
"Of course, please, come into my office," Ducky suggested.
I nodded and followed the older man into a side room. I took a seat in the chair across from Ducky's desk and watched him hang his coat and bustle around the room for a moment before sitting down behind his desk. He leaned forward and looked at me sternly. I knew he was sizing me up, trying to pry slivers of information from my countenance. I closed the blinds and cleared my throat before speaking.
"Tell me again how Kate died," I said slowly.
Ducky laced his hands together and sighed.
"Anaphylaxis; an allergic reaction to the fentanyl, the pain medication we gave her." He said simply.
"What I don't understand is why you didn't check her medical records to be sure she wasn't allergic to any drugs before administering anything." I said harshly.
"Jethro, I assure you that I checked Caitlin's medical records extensively to ensure no such allergy, but she was never previously given fentanyl and it was the only medication that would quell the pain she felt from the chest tubes, so I administered the drug. The allergy is extremely rare, so I took that chance. We tried to save her but it was too late and the dosage was too high. I'm sorry, Jethro." Ducky explained.
"It's not your fault, Dr. Mallard. It could have happened to anyone." I said lightly.
I hadn't realized it had been an honest mistake. All this time I blamed Ducky. Hell, it was easier than blaming myself. I closed my eyes and allowed myself a moment of quiet mourning for Kate. It was nobody's fault and that just made it harder for me to accept. I sat still for a few more seconds before standing up to leave.
"Thanks, Duck. I just needed to be sure there was nothing that could have been done to save her. I'll see you later," I said solemnly.
"Don't be so hard on yourself, Jethro," Ducky said sympathetically.
I nodded and left the office. As I stood in the elevator I could have sworn I wasn't alone. I felt like I could turn around at any time and see Kate walking up behind me carrying a case file or antagonizing Tony. I knew the whole story now, but somehow I still felt guilty and responsible for Kate's death. I figured I probably couldn't even begin to fathom how Ducky felt. He, however, was much better at hiding it. I reached my desk and sat down, rubbing a hand over my tired eyes. The sleep deprivation was really catching up with me. At that same moment I heard footsteps just outside of my cubicle. My head snapped up and I had almost convinced myself it was Kate before actually opening my eyes and meeting Tony's concerned gaze.
"You okay, boss?" Tony asked lightly.
"Yeah, I'm fine Tony. What did you need?" I replied.
"Nothing, I just came to see if you were okay," Tony said simply.
I didn't know what to say. Seeing that Tony was capable of sympathy like this almost made me choke on more tears. I nodded slowly and smiled briefly.
"Get back to work, DiNozzo," I said mock-seriously.
"If you need me I'll be right over there," Tony said warmly.
I nodded and watched him as he stalked off back to his own desk. He was a good agent and, if given the chance, would probably be a great friend. However, no matter how much I thought about it, I couldn't allow myself to open up to him. I was still licking the old wounds. He spent so much more time with Kate than I did and it was all because of me and my idiotic theories about personal lives interfering with professional ones. Rule 12 ruined my life.
'Way to go, Gibbs, you've gone and dug yourself a shallow grave,' I thought to myself.
At least in a shallow grave I was closer to Kate than otherwise. No, I refused to think that way. I couldn't be so pessimistic. After all, Kate would have wanted me to move on with my life. Still, it was easier to wallow in self-pity than it was to go out and face the real world with a smile on my face. That got me thinking that everything in life is a choice. However, if that was true, than why did Kate take death over life? Was there something I could have done differently in those last few precious hours that would have changed the outcome of this battle?
With that I had waged a war against fate. I had to backtrack and do a little investigating. What was it about me that had forced Kate to choose death, if it really was her choice? I could assume nothing, but I did anyway. After all, assumptions usually led to the best and most logical conclusions. That and all things being equal, the simplest explanation tends to be the right one. I decided that choosing death rather than it being divine intervention was the simplest. Besides, Occam's razor had never let me down before, why would things be any different now? I sat there and drank the last of my coffee trying to put an end to the seemingly endless train of thought I had managed to derail and splinter into a million useless though devastating shards. I glanced at my watch and realized it was already lunch. I looked out the window and noticed it was still pouring outside. I grabbed the spare umbrella I kept in my desk drawer and decided to go for a walk to get my mind off of things for a while. I took the stairs down to the lobby and on the way down I stopped on the landing by Abby's lab. Her music was blaring and I stopped to listen to the lyrics for a moment.
Love's icy tomb
Dug open for you
Lies in a cemetery that may use my name
Love's fiery tomb
From me to you
Rips your heart out and leaves you bleeding with
A smile on your face
Heal me
I begged and love said no
Leave me
For dead and let me go
Kill me
I cried and love said no
Kill me
I cried and love said no
Was the entire world out to get me? It sure felt like it sometimes. Especially on days like these. I continued walking down the stairs until I reached the front doors to the building. I walked outside and inhaled the damp air. I walked briskly down the path into the park across the street from the building. The gale force wind ripped the umbrella out of my grasp and whipped rain against my face. I pressed on without looking back. After a half an hour of walking relentlessly I stopped to take a breath. My lungs were burning from the cold air and tears mixed with the raindrops that ran in rivulets down my face. I headed back to NCIS in hopes of being able to there get my mind off of Kate but to no avail. I got back and realized that there were still no new cases. So much for that. Tony shot me a curious glance when he realized I was sopping wet.
"What happened to you?" Tony inquired.
"My umbrella got away but I figured hell, a little water never hurt anyone," I replied sarcastically.
I grabbed some spare clothes from my desk drawer and walked away before Tony could question me further. As I was changing I wondered what I could be doing instead had Kate survived the shooting. It was painful but somehow the more I thought about her, the better I felt… most of the time. I walked back to my desk and sat down at the computer. I stared blankly at the screen and realized that for a split seconds I hadn't thought about Kate. Just thinking about that made me feel like I was forgetting her already. I couldn't let that happen. She had only been gone a short while and I was already forgetting the small details. The way the sunlight glinted off of her soft mahogany hair and piercing green eyes, the sharp edge to her words, even her bright, effervescent smile. I hung my head and let a tear fall. Almost as quickly as I had given in to the impulse I snapped out of it.
The day passed slowly and the whole time my mind was filled with Kate. Everything somehow reminded me of her. I sped home after work and collapsed on the couch. I mourned for her deeply. So deeply, in fact, that the tears refused to flow. I had lost more than just a friend, an agent and a lover. I had lost a part of my own soul. The rain outside continued to fall ceaselessly. The rain inside of my heart thundered and resounded against my love for her. It was still there, still solid and nothing could change that.
That night I finally fell asleep out of sheer exhaustion. Nothing could have kept me awake. Though I fell asleep, my sleep was disturbed and shadowed by nightmares. I was haunted even subconsciously by Kate's ghost. I tossed fitfully while I slept but wouldn't allow myself to wake up…
A.N. How was that chapter? A little short, yes, but I couldn't think, I had one particularly tough case of writer's block. The lyrics used above are from And Love Said No by HIM (His Infernal Majesty). The title of each chapter is also a song title from HIM. I probably should have mentioned that in my disclaimer but oh well. At least I'm mentioning it now. Please review and I promise the next one will be up sooner. Thanks to all of you who have reviewed so far-Julia-
