A/N: I am really going to be friendless by the time I finish writing these… Honestly, anyone can claim that I'm making on thei

A/N: I am really going to be friendless by the time I finish writing these… Honestly, anyone can claim that I'm making fun of their fic in particular, and god no, no, no, I'm making fun of everyone's fics (save for the exceptionally good ones) including my own! Silly little turds you all are.

And thanks for the love and reviews.

I was thinking… should I just make this the Screwed Up Escapades of a Pirates Fanfic? Because there is a lot I could explore, you know, and make fun of severely. Give me your thoughts, my readers. 'Cuz this chapter isn't really Sparrabethy or humorous in my opinion… And I have ideas for non-Sparrabethy chapters.

Beware: Curses and profanities ahead.

Chapter Four: When In Doubt, Beat People

Elizabeth Swann was crying.

Well, more like bawling to put it. She was upset, because basically, the entire world was just being an extreme pain in the ass for her. There was major tension (and not the hot, sexual, Sparrabethy kind) between her and her whelp of a fiancé, William Needstocomeoutofthecloset and the only man she ever really truly loved (I mean, come on - Will?) the luscious, gorgeous and just damn sexy Captain Jack Sparrow. She had recently learned that her father had died due to fact that he had been tortured by looking at Mercer's saggy, lumpy rump for twenty days straight and really, all she wanted to do was sob like a pathetic helpless woman.

Four pages worth of thoughts, whines, and just plain bitching from her point of view would be inserted here to drive the reader bonkers and make them stop reading this due to extreme boredom.

Elizabeth dabbed her nose with a tissue, which surprisingly had not been invented yet. Funny how items from the future somehow ended up in her day and age.

She was lying on her bed in her own personal quarters, clinging to a pillow that was made from used razors (from cutting of course) and watching her tears fall to her lap when a knock was heard. Running her fingers through her hair, she answered, "Come in."

It was Will.

"Will…" she said in that usual gasping way she did all through out Pirates one which really pissed people off.

He frowned. "I came to tell you something."

Still irate with him from earlier, Elizabeth hissed, "What?"

He stepped further into the room, closing the door behind him. "Elizabeth… I'm leaving you."

She gasped in shock. Suddenly she was at his feet, her hands together. "Oh Will! Why?"

Across the world in various countries, random people cringed at the cheese-fest that was occurring somewhere out there.

Will smacked her cheek, causing her to sprawl across the floor and whimper in defeat. "Because you're such a fairy-dusting skank, Miss. Whore." He grew angrier just looking at her. What a fucking bitch! With a wrath that one never knew was inside one as eunuchy as Will, he began beating her.

Oh yeah, and did she bleed and bruise.

She cried, pleaded him to stop, but really did nothing to defend herself. Elizabeth had never been a woman of power really – she had always let people walk all over her. So she sat there and took the beating like the pitiable woman she was.

"Please stop," she begged, throwing her hands up dramatically.

Will snarled, and whipped out his very tiny, unimpressive pistol (he really had nothing big and fierce on his person, including extremities of the sorts). Thoughtlessly, he shot her in the hand and laughed a maniacal laugh while she screamed.

Yet again, a ton of paragraphs on Elizabeth's confused feelings would be here to make the reader pissed off over the fact that they just wanted to read the action.

And then he was gone.

A shuddery breath left Elizabeth as she sat up, assessing herself.

Hmm, let's see, she thought.

A broken nose, ruptured kidney, a hand with a bullet in it, eight broken ribs, and a broken windpipe.

Why, she'd be just jolly in a few days!

Flinching as kidney juices oozed inside of her, Elizabeth sat up and took her original position on her bed again, sobbing more. Hugging herself, she sighed.

Depressed thoughts.

Angsty thoughts.

Woeful thoughts.

More useless fluff.

Thoughts of how she really loved Jack and all that jazz.

And then a shittastic cliffhanger would be inserted here, to which reviewers would lie and say they can't wait for an update, praise the crappy out of character story, and exit out of the chapter with relief.

A/N: Come on, really people. Review stories honestly! I am tired of having people say 'oh it was wonderful, marvelous, and other synonyms for the word great' when really it was terrible. We have three movies to learn about the characters – at least have the decency to attempt to keep them in character and help other writers. 'Tis a community service really.

-end rant-