... Or Just Look Like One
"She didn't make it," Munch said before walking out the door and heading home. The victim had been a model, and has been killed by a colleague. Her best friend – an innocent casualty.
The case really got to me. I'm not sure why. I never had very many friends, especially not when I was growing up, and I was never an innocent casualty or victim. Whatever I had been through in the past was my punishment for my existence, and I had to accept it, and know that there would be more in the future.
As we each left that day, no-one's attention was really on the case. Elliot was worried about Maureen's eating habits, Don had to leave for a doctor's appointment, and the rest of the gang were having a night at Meloni's.
I headed home to my cold and lonesome apartment, my dwelling. The place where all bad memories are held and continually in the forefront of my mind. As I arrived back at my apartment and saw the only photograph that hung on my wall, I realised why this case had affected me so much. The victim, Jazmin, reminded me of myself. She had a father but almost no mother.
As I gazed at the old photo, I reflected upon my memories. When I was fourteen, a model scout had come to the school and looked for those who had 'potential'. I was selected as one of the young woman who were able to go to a workshop to see if we 'were made of the right stuff'. As always though, my mother had put a damper on my plans for escape. She hadn't signed the permission form, she'd been too drunk. In the end it hadn't mattered, I never would have made it.
I thought briefly about how my life would have been different, but dismissed the thought almost instantly. If it had worked out, I would never have become a cop, never have worked in SVU, and I would never have met these amazing people.
Don, he was like the father of the unit. The one everyone went to in times of trouble, the one that everyone trusted and respected. He looked at us like children, the ones that he was never fortunate enough to have. He was there in a heartbeat, if he sensed one of us was in trouble. Little did I know he would have the cover our asses more times that ever before.
Munch, he was the sarcastic theorist of the unit. The one who acted crazy on the outside, but inside he was hurting, just like the rest of us. Brian, he was a little naïve. He'd been in the unit longer than I had, but he was more repulsed by everything than I was. After only being there for four weeks, I had him pegged not to last that much longer. Jeffries, gosh, she was a character. Tough as nails with a soft streak that she desperately tried to hide. She wouldn't last long either. I had them gauged to go within a year.
Last on my analysis, was Elliot. We'd only been partners for a small amount of time, yet we had a form of bond that wasn't completely based on trust or friendship. I don't know what it was based on, but something stronger that trust or friendship, and I had the distinct feeling that this strong bond would cause us some pain and trouble in future. But for the moment, it didn't bother me; it was content with our relationship and building friendship we had. Although we didn't trust each other fully, we told each other things that no-one else knew. Things that even his wife and my mother didn't know and couldn't understand. And in a way, I think that already I'm closer to him than his wife.
As I considered and analysed our unit further, I came to a clear understanding. This was my unit, my family. It was a new experience for me, but one that I could get used to. Don was the father, Munch; the crazy uncle or older brother, Brian, Briscoe and Jeffries; more outsiders and friends. They weren't as important to our little circle as the others were. That left Elliot and I. It was almost as if we were a couple, but he had a wife, so I settled for brother and sister. Great, I'd only been in the unit for a month, and already I was thinking of being married to my partner.
I had iron chains bound around my heart, but it seemed that this man would melt them away and burrow himself deeply within it. I didn't know that this would cost someone's life, I didn't know that his wife already saw it, I didn't know that Don was already counting the days until he devided we couldn't be partners anymore, and I definitely didn't know that one day Elliot might feel that same.
I didn't fully trust him, but I knew that I was already falling in love with him. I hadn't fallen in love before, but I knew that this fall would be hard. When it happened it would be sudden, fast and very unshakable.
I needed to erase this feeling, but I soon realized it wasn't budging. The only things left to do was mask it and try to ignore the betrayal and hurt that was bound to come with this.
Betrayal and hurt were two emotions that I was far too familiar with. It didn't bother me so much that it would hurt me, but if it cause Elliot or Don troubles, I would leave, shattered heart and all. But the loyalty in this unit would always hold me back from truly moving on.
I fell asleep pondering my thoughts and when I woke in the morning, I rechecked the chains upon my heart, hoping that my mask of emotion was strong enough to stand and withhold the emotional onslaught that would come in the next few hours, let alone months and years.
(Sorry I took so long to post. I'm having a bit of a block with all my old stories (Inspirations for new ones keep coming), I can't seem to find a way to continue them in the same stream. I hope this fits the bill, and please review. Thanks, and I hope this is okay.)
