Author Notes: Getting close to the end. Pretty sure I'll have one more chapter after this one. Yay. Okay, for this chapter, Palm Sunday weekend! Cheers?
-Note: I changed the chapter titles. So this is actually chapter 4 and the Prelude is actually Chapter 1. Since it didn't really make sense for it to be a prelude anyway. Ah, well.
Warnings: Religious talk. I tried really hard not to make someone a mouthpiece for my views and yet still let them have their debate. I did do some interesting research, searching for blog posts about those who were able to reconcile being gay with being Catholic. I read for a good long time. I don't know if ffnet will let me post these links but I'll try to at the bottom of this chapter, if you're interested.
~!~
Don't Tempt Me
Chapter 4
~!~
-Friday before Palm Sunday-
"..."
"Hola."
"Hey tomato bastard."
"Lovino? Did you really just call me?"
"Yes. I called you. Get over it, it doesn't mean anything."
"Hmm...then why did you call me, Lovi?"
"Bastard, don't call me that!"
"Okay, Lovi."
"..."
"All right. Lovino. Why call me? Lent isn't over yet."
"I know that! It's – I need to talk to you."
"Huh?"
"You heard me!"
"But...you're talking right now..."
"Not over the phone, stupid bastard! I meant-"
"In person?"
"...yeah. In person."
"Hmm...why the change? I thought you gave me up for Lent."
"I did."
"Then how can you keep your fast if you-"
"It doesn't count on Sundays, bastard!"
"It doesn't?"
"Are you really that dense? Obviously it doesn't count on Sundays! Technically."
"Huh?"
"It's a loop hole, dumbass. We usually don't take it because that defeats the purpose of giving something up for Lent, but...argh! Would you just shut up and let me talk?"
"...okay. I'm listening, Lovi."
"Fucking -"
"Oh sorry. Lovino~"
"...whatever. Look. I need to talk to you."
"So you said."
"Right. Uhm."
"Something wrong, Lovi?"
"No! I'm just trying to think and I know you're laughing at me and your stupid smile makes it hard to concentrate!"
"How did you know I was smiling, Lovi?"
"I just do! You're always fucking grinning like an idiot when you're talking to me, so of course -"
"Heh. I guess that's true. It's been a while since I smiled, though."
"..."
"And it's been a while since I talked to you."
"..."
"Lovi?"
"Just come here already."
"Huh? You want me to come visit?"
"Yeah. After Mass on Sunday. Can you do that?"
"Si~ It might be later in the afternoon before I can get there, though. My boss wanted to go to Palm Sunday mass with me."
"Heh. Your boss actually goes with you...ugh, I don't care, whatever."
"So I'll see you at your house on -"
"No!"
"No?"
"Meet me somewhere else."
"Okay. Where?"
"Uhm. Like the park or something. I don't know."
"What park, Lovi?"
"Stop laughing, bastard! Just meet me in the Villa Ada."
"Ah. That's a big place, though -"
"Like it matters. You always find me anyway."
"Hm. This is true. You are not very good at hiding, Lovi."
"Shu-shut up, bastard!"
"Okay. So I'll see you in the Villa Ada late afternoon this Palm Sunday."
"...yeah...so...uhm...goodbye, then."
"Si. Goodbye. Love you, Lovi."
"..."
-click-
~!~
-Saturday before Palm Sunday-
Feliciano smiled across the table. An assortment of his favorite dishes had been set out, along with a fine bottle of wine. Ludwig seemed to be enjoying the home cooked bread, dressed salad, and simple but elegant pasta dish. Italy could always be happy when Germany ate his cooking with fervor. They were alone in the house for the evening, and they were taking advantage of that fact to have a small but romantic dinner for two. Ludwig was not particularly the romantic type, but in that respect Feliciano made up for it, finding the awkward blushes from his usually so in-control German lover to be more than worth the work.
Still, there was an awkward taste in the air. They had experienced plenty of romantic dinners and outings over their time together, and Italy was accustomed to Germany's usual lack of conversation. The long stares, blue eyes boring into every inch of him as he slowly sucked or chewed on the food in his mouth. Watching Ludwig watching him. Smiling when he managed to catch the blue eyes and force Germany to face his own food, red blush coating his cheeks. Yeah, he was used to the silence.
It wasn't usually this awkward, though.
Ever since Romano's sudden decision to give up Spain for Lent, there had been a hovering fog following Feliciano around. The same thoughts that plagued his brother had once bothered him, after all. The same issues of being gay and Catholic, of coming to terms with what it meant, of accepting who he was, loving who he was, knowing he could never quit loving Ludwig...he had been through such a similar predicament.
Of course, he hadn't pushed Ludwig away as strongly as Romano had pushed away Spain. So there was a difference between him and his brother. A difference that scared him. Biting his lip, Feliciano played with the fork in his hand, eyes glazed down into his food as he worried. Lent was almost over, but did that mean Romano would return to Spain after the fast? When giving up a bad habit, it was ideal to give it up for good, using the time of Lent to squash the urge. He didn't want that. Lovino was happy with Antonio. These past weeks had been so telling of how unhappy his brother was without the Spaniard around. He couldn't imagine what years would do to Romano. Years without Spain, a lifetime without Romano being happy when he had held onto the greatest happiness life could offer.
A lifetime without love.
"Feli, what's wrong?" Germany was staring at him from across the table, utensils down, eyes soft and patient yet worried.
Italy smiled, closing his eyes and surprised himself to feel a little streak of water travel down his cheek. "I can't stop thinking about Lovino."
"Ah," Ludwig barely said anything in response, but he stayed still and watched, waiting patiently for Feliciano to elaborate, so he would know how best to help his lover.
Setting his own hands on the table, picking at the embroidered cloth with his fingernails, Italy felt his mouth open and all his troubles spill free; he loved talking to Ludwig; no one else listened to him as seriously. "I don't like seeing him this unhappy all the time. Sure, he's not always in the best of moods, but without Antonio lavishing him with praise and attention he's just become – oh, I don't know, but it's not right."
Silence stalked between them for a few breathes, and Italy tried to keep his shoulders from shaking. He felt utterly helpless in this situation. He wanted to help his brother, but he didn't know how. Everything he had tried to tell him had failed, and a part of him knew that he had to leave it up to Romano to discover his peace on his own. But it was so hard!
Ludwig's voice broke the silence like a wave. "Have you tried talking to him?"
"Yes!" Italy exclaimed, lifting his eyes to face the blue of his German friend and lover. "But nothing I say works."
Ludwig hummed. "But have you told him how worried you are?"
Feliciano grimaced. "I don't think that will work, Germany. He doesn't want pity, and if I tell him -"
The door smashed open, a red faced Romano standing in the doorway. Feliciano yelped and got to his feet, noting from the corner of his eye how Ludwig straightened and pushed his chair back but did not move otherwise. Lovino had his hands in the pockets of his light jacket, eyes glaring back into Feli's own, making Italy look at the floor as if ashamed over something. He shouldn't feel this way, though; he was worried and trying to help his brother; he shouldn't be made to regret his feelings like that!
"I'm going to tell you something, fratello," Lovino said, his voice crisp and focused. "But I want you to promise something in return."
"Ve?" Italy blinked as he looked up to meet his brother's eyes. "What is it?"
Lovino scowled, glancing over Feliciano's shoulder to see the German sitting down and watching with all the patience in the world, quiet but intimidating. "I guess the potato bastard can hear, too. It's his brother's fault I'm doing this, anyway."
"Ve?" Italy repeated, tilting his head, feeling his hair curl bounce in the air. "Doing what?"
Light brown eyes met his own and Romano took a deep breath before speaking again. "Promise me that you won't make a big deal out of it, or fucking worry about me anymore. Whatever I decide in the end, it's my decision, okay?"
Feli frowned. He didn't like the sound of that, but what other choice did he have except to nod and smile at his antsy brother? "O-okay. I promise?"
A nod. "Good."
His brother kept his distance as he made his announcement, and when it finally came out into the open, Feliciano had to admit he knew why. His first urge was to wrap his brother in a hug and celebrate. A small victory, but a hopeful one nonetheless. Still, the promise kept him at bay and he managed to keep his hands to himself, if only barely. When Lovino left to sulk alone in his room, Italy turned to Germany and smiled wide, bouncing on the balls of his feet.
"Ve, isn't it wonderful, Ludwig?"
Germany smiled back, blue eyes soft and understanding. "It's a start, Feli."
"True," he consented, "But sometimes that's all you need."
Lovino was planning to meet Antonio tomorrow evening. A meeting to talk things out. A meeting that could turn everything around. Italy promised himself that he would have to find Gilbert later and thank him for forcing his fratello to do this much. He had never felt so relieved and nervous at the same time. Relieved to know Lovino hadn't given up completely, and nervous to wonder if there was any way to pull him back around to happiness.
Well, if anyone could do it, Spain could.
~!~
-Palm Sunday evening-
He sat on a bench in the park, looking out at the large lake. His hands stayed in his jacket pockets, keeping himself from tapping on the wooden bench. His bouncing leg was enough of an annoyance. Some kind of restless leg just because he had to wait on someone.
Well, it wasn't like he was waiting on just any someone. Antonio Carriedo, personification of Spain, was no average man to wait on. For one, the tomato bastard was stereotypically Spanish and late to almost everything Romano invited him to. A small part of him was itching to check his watch constantly, counting the minutes ticking by. Sure, they hadn't set a specific time, but the sun was going to be setting soon, and he hadn't intended to be sitting out here in the dark. Especially not alone. Damn bastard making him nervous by not even being here.
It was early spring time, nearing mid-April, so the weather was comfortable. Lovino wore a thin black long sleeved shirt and a light jacket to account for the spring time breezes and the off chance of a random rain storm, which were entirely possible at this time of year. Thankfully, it hadn't rained, though. Spain could make his country's weather patterns react to his emotion. Romano didn't have that same connection, and besides it was more likely to be Veneziano's emotions running the country if it were the case anyway.
He glared out at the lake, watching the light waves twinkling against the setting sun, noting the birds had stopped catching fish, the ripples of movement from underneath the water growing further and farther between. Even the animals were getting ready for the night. Romano was stuck out here now waiting for Spain to find him. Maybe he should have picked somewhere more specific. Sure, Antonio had an insane knack for finding Lovino, especially when he'd rather not be found, so he had put his faith in the man to work his magic again. Maybe he should have -
"Lovino."
His name in the air made his heart skip a beat. Turning his head, he saw the nation, the man, he had given up for Lent. Somewhat curly brown hair framing vibrant green eyes. Lightly tanned skin with smiling lips no matter what was happening around him. Currently dressed in a dark green jacket, a white button down shirt and black skinny jeans, Antonio was standing at the side of the bench, hands in his own somewhat bulky pockets.
Eyes closed and the smile widened, making Romano scowl and turn away, feeling the heat in his face. "Took you long enough, tomato bastard."
"Ah, lo siento, Lovi," Spain said, a light laugh bubbling its way free. "It is a big place."
The scowl didn't leave and Romano made sure to lean back against the bench but keep his face turned to the side. The temptation to touch Antonio was stronger than he wanted to admit. So long without him and the urges had only grown. It was frustrating, but so was the fact that Spain could still laugh. After Prussia's annoying bout of information earlier in the week, Lovino had felt guilty at hearing how Antonio was turning Spain into a rainy country.
Yet here he was smiling and laughing at him just like always.
"Shut up, bastard," he growled, clenching his hands inside his pockets, pretending to stare at something interesting in the darkening lake.
To his surprise, Spain did close his usually hyper and happy-go-lucky mouth. There was no sound at all from the older nation. Just his presence, hovering at the edge of the park bench, hardly moving. Shit. That alone was creepy enough to make Romano turn a glare to him.
"What are you doing?"
Spain shrugged. "You called me, Lovi. I figured I'd just wait until you're ready to talk or whatever it was you wanted. I'm here now."
Romano blinked. Why did the bastard have to say things like that? He growled. "Then stop standing there staring at me like some kind of creepy stalker and sit down."
"Okay, Lovi," Spain said with a smile as he sat down beside Romano. "Oh yeah! I have a gift for you."
Lovino huffed as he watched the Spanish man pull something out of his pocket. Spain loved to give him gifts. He took every excuse and opportunity to hand him something new. Chocolates, candy, music...silly lovesick items. No doubt this wouldn't be any diff-
His eyes widened when a small velvety black box appeared in Antonio's hands, held out toward him. Not knowing what else to do, Lovino took the box, his mind a whirl with possibilities. What was he trying to do? A quick glance to the tanned Spanish bastard showed a smiling face and patient green eyes carefully watching. No kneeling. No professions of love. So...what was in the box? It looked suspiciously like -
No, no he couldn't deal with this. He couldn't handle it. Not now. He was trying to get rid of his feelings for Spain, not accept them or take the relationship further. This couldn't be happening. Antonio was insane and terrible with timing and never really thinking before doing something but this was just...
Feeling his heart pounding in his chest, Romano shakily opened the box. A golden crucifix sat amid the black and white, a golden chain wrapped around and underneath. Oh. A mix of relief and disappointment filled his body, and he let out his breath in a rush.
"Do you like it, Lovi?"
He turned to Spain, his heart still experiencing an emotional rollar coaster of tides when he met those emerald eyes. How they glittered against the dimming sunlight. How his tanned skin took on a smooth sheen in the darkening light. How those hands were in his lap, keeping a polite distance when normally Romano would have been tackled in hugs. Antonio wasn't even sitting too close to him, leaning against the other arm of the bench, even as his eyes showed how he longed to be near. Such respect for Lovi's decision to be distant.
Yet...
"What the hell, you bastard?" Romano tried to scream, but he was shocked to find his voice crack on his words. The emotion was getting to him. The situation. The temptation. The burning ache in his heart. Spain was too close and being too damn perfect. "How can you – how does this – you can't be gay and Catholic at the same time!"
He brought a hand up to press against his eyes. Damn emotional reactions. He did not want to cry. Not over this. Not in front of Antonio. Not here. Not now. Damn it, why couldn't he hold it in? He was stronger than this. Feelings be damned, he was stronger than this.
"Yes you can, Lovi," a soft hum by his ear. Spain had moved closer.
Romano immediately shot his arm out, only to have it caught by Spain's faster reactionary hand. "No you can't, bastard!"
"Yes, you -"
"No! It's a sin!"
He screamed it. No one else was around anyway. The sun was even getting ready to leave them alone. There was no one else around here. Nothing but the wildlife and the peeking sunlight. So, he let his frustration go. He let it out. The black box fell to the ground, falling from his lap. The tears fell and he fought against the grip on his arm, even if Spain refused to let him go. The Spaniard had done so much right and now he was holding Romano still. How dare he, fucking tomato bastard...
Fingers clung to his arm tightly but green eyes remained wide and bright. Why? Why was Spain still happy? Why could he sit there and hold him back, but still keep his eyes smiling?
I'll never understand this bastard.
"No, Lovi, being gay is not a sin. Even most mortals agree on that now."
Romano scowled. "That's just a phrase to help them separate the person from the sin. You know that. It doesn't matter what you say. We can't be together. It's wrong."
"Why?" Antonio pressed. "Why is it wrong? Think, Lovi. This is love. How could that be wrong?"
"Because..." Lovino breathed, knowing he had an answer. He had to have an answer. Love. This was love, wasn't it? Tears hit his eyes. A hand touched his cheek and he stared up into those vibrant green eyes, wanting to know Spain's secret, wanting to have the answer that would make everything feel better. "Because it...it's not normal..."
His argument felt weaker. His conviction fading. Love. He shouldn't love this bastard, but he did. Oh, God, why did he love him?
A short chuckle. "I think the mortals would say we are not normal, either. Nations as humans. We are not mentioned in the Bible or the Church, but you and I both believe that God created us, too."
"Yeah, but-"
The hand moved to his lips, stopping his words, and Romano allowed it. Because deep down he wanted a reason. He wanted to know how his brother could reconcile his faith with his sexuality. How Spain could claim to be a good Catholic and still flirt with him. Everyone else seemed to be handling the contradiction without any guilt. Why? How? It couldn't be some simple answer, or else the mortals would have already retracted their statements.
"So, obviously there are things the mortals don't know." Spain smiled at him again, softly and understanding, even though there was a sparkle of water in those green eyes; was Antonio on the edge about this as well? Why did it look like he wanted to cry, too? "Come on, Lovino, you've been there since very early times in the Church's history. You've watched them change little things here and there. You've been to Councils, I'm sure. This is just another thing the Church hasn't caught up to, something they aren't sure how to handle so they lean back on their trust of the past. It's not perfect."
Romano blinked, not used to hearing so many smart sentences pouring out of Spain's mouth at once. The man was usually so out of it, or clingy, or happy about some small thing, not being all intellectual or showing his actual knowledge of the Church. His eyes widened when he realized what it meant. Antonio had thought about this already. He'd had the same issue. He'd found a way to get over it, a way to reconcile it, and this was it; this was his excuse, his reason, his truth.
But he had heard all those arguments before. It wasn't anything new. The Church hadn't changed their stance. Yeah, Antonio had a point, but if he didn't have faith in the Church's teachings, what did he have faith in?
As if hearing his thoughts, Spain sighed and then did something Romano was used to. He pulled Lovino into a hug, resting a hand on the back of his head. His voice rumbled against his shoulder.
"Have faith in our love, Lovino," Antonio said. "If anything, have faith that our love can reflect God's love. He speaks of love above all else, so how could our love, any love, be wrong? What we have is rare and special. Don't throw it away because the mortals interpret something differently right now. Have faith that it'll change. God's creations are beautiful. He created you this way. We -"
"Shut up, bastard," Lovino said, not with a growl or scowl this time, though he did push Spain away from him.
Green eyes looked back at him, water threatening to fall. Closing his eyes, Lovino took a deep breath, trying to calm his shaking hands. Shifting his position on the bench, he pulled even further from Antonio. He refused to look at him, staring down at the ground instead. His face was heating up as the words echoed in his mind, as the explanations, the excuses, the reasons, the...
His eyes found the little black box and the golden crucifix necklace that mimicked one Spain wore underneath his shirt. Jesus on the cross. The ultimate sacrifice, the greatest love. Love. Above all, love.
Above all.
Lovino Vargas spared a glance for the stunned Antonio Carriedo. Then he bent down and picked up the crucifix gift from the annoying, clingy, stupid, obsessive, sexy bastard of a boyfriend.
~!~
A/N: Here are a few links to blogs I found to get an idea of what I was talking about, seeing as I may be Catholic but not gay so I cannot speak from personal feelings or experience this time. These are just a few of the gems I have found while researching this topic. I literally cried reading some testimonies and stories and have never felt the urge to march for gay rights so strongly before, but anywho, I would encourage you to research this issue, too. I'm amazed at how strong people can be.
/2014/01/16/how-to-be-happy-catholic-and-gay-towards-a-12-step-recovery-program/
/gay-catholic-and-doing-fine/
2013/02/04/how-do-you-reconcile-being-lgbt-and-catholic/
. /2011/07/wheres_the_
/watch?v=-NeaUjLQAhs ((this video is awesome btw ))
-Also I looked up "parks in Rome" to come up with Villa Ada. Did a tiny bit of research. Now that I think of it, Romano may have wanted to meet Spain somewhere in South Italy, but I have this idea that Lovi and Feli both live together in Rome so...eh...yeah that's why I tried to keep the area around and in Rome.
~I appreciate and love every single review, favorite, alert, what-have-you; I read them all, appreciate the good reviews from my fellow Catholics, love all advice you can throw out, and yeah, let me know what you think of this chapter!~
~Reda
