Disclaimer: I do not own the Harry Potter series or any of its characters.
Chapter Four: Caffeine and Howlers; the First Breakfast at Hogwarts
The five Hufflepuffs sat at the end of the Hufflepuff Table. Four of the five were asleep. The reason: It was seven o'clock in the morning, and they had spent every day of their summers sleeping until noon. Therefore, at seven o'clock, the four were in a comatose state.
But a certain Hufflepuff named Hannah Abbot, was not asleep. She was completely awake, chatting to her four unconscious friends.
"…Can you believe he said that, guys?" asked Hannah. "I mean, I know he doesn't pose much of a threat—with him not having arms or legs or genitals and things, but I seriously think the Sorting Hat is a sexual predator."
The four did not respond, as they were asleep.
"But at least he put me I the same house as you guys. You are good listeners," Hannah continued. "I will admit though, I was a little bit nervous when I found out the Hufflepuff mascot was a badger. Badgers look a little bit like chipmunks when you squint your eyes—I was so afraid when I saw the chipmunk-girl yesterday. AHHH! She's over there. She's not a real chipmunk. She's not a real chipmunk."
"Hannah shut up," groaned Zacharias.
"That's a rude thing to say Zacharias. But I'll let it go because you're a rude person," Hannah sniffed.
"SHUT UP HANNAH!" Zacharias, Susan, Ernie, and Justin yelled.
"You know, Hufflepuffs need to have nice personalities to make up for not being talented, and you guys don't exactly strike me as friendly right now…"
"Hannah, how is it possible for anyone to be friendly at SEVEN IN THE MORNING?" Ernie growled.
"We would appreciate knowing your secret," Susan moaned.
"I drink coffee, sillies," Hannah exclaimed.
"Where did you get coffee?" asked Zacharias.
"House elves," Hannah answered. "I've got some right here." Hannah pulled a pot of coffee out of nowhere.
"You're eleven," Ernie said.
"So are all of you," Hannah stated. "Except, Zacharias, aren't you supposed to be like two years older than us?"
"The stupid author forget that when she wrote the story," Zacharias replied matter-of-factly.
"Hannah, caffeine isn't good for you," Susan said.
"It makes you short," Ernie said. "Plus, it's a mood-altering drug; no wonder you're so weird and hyper and stuff."
"Can I have some?" Justin asked.
"Sure," Hannah said, offering the coffee to her friend.
"NOOOOO…" Zacharias called.
The pot was in Justin's hand.
"…OHHHHH…"
He was drinking it.
"…OHHHHH."
The coffee was gone.
"This is bad," Ernie declared.
"This will be catastrophic," added Susan.
"It's going to be the apocalypse," Zacharias stated. He turned to Hannah, and hissed, "You…"
"Yes?" asked Hannah.
"You did this," Zacharias accused.
"What did I do?" Hannah asked.
Zacharias ignored the question, now focusing on Justin, whom he was sure would spontaneously combust… or something.
"Justin?" Ernie asked.
Justin stared blankly, unresponsively.
"Justin?" Susan asked.
Justin twitched.
"Justin?" Zacharias asked, genuinely frightened.
"Nothing's happening, I don't know why you were so worried Zacharias," Hannah said. "You know, you shouldn't worry so much."
"HEY GUYS, ISN'T IT SUCH AN AWESOME MORNING!" Justin said, about five times louder and faster than he usually spoke. "HEY, I FORGOT WHERE THE OWL KEEPS THE LETTER, SO I'LL GO FIND OUT. HEY, DID YOU KNOW THAT YOU CAN WALK THROUGH WALLS. MAYBE IT ONLY WORKS IF I GO REALLY, REALLY, REALLY FAST. I'LL GO TRY. BYE GUYS!"
Justin ran off somewhere, most likely the owlery.
"That wasn't as bad as I thought it would be," Zacharias said. "You know, the author really spent a lot of time trying to build suspense for that moment, but it really wasn't very interesting."
"You and your 'author' theories, Zacharias," Ernie shook his head.
Then he sighed.
Zacharias, Susan, and Hannah began munching on toast.
Ernie sighed again, this time more dramatically.
Zacharias took a sip of pumpkin juice and gagged. "What the fuck is this shit? Pumpkin juice! Who drinks this? Is Dumbledore trying to kill us?"
Ernie sighed so dramatically, that he started sneezing.
"Ernie! You're getting your germs on my toast. Gosh, you've got such bad manners," Hannah shrieked.
"Isn't anyone going to ask me what's wrong?" asked Ernie.
"Are you dying?" Zacharias asked.
"What? No!" Ernie exclaimed.
"Damnit," said Zacharias. "Well if you aren't dying I really don't care what the hell you have to say."
"Zacharias, you really shouldn't swear at the breakfast table," Susan said.
"'Hell' isn't really a swear word," Hannah said.
"No, I meant when he said 'damnit,'" Susan clarified.
"Well you just said it, so doesn't that make you a hypocrite…"
"Guys!" screamed Ernie.
"What?" they shouted back.
"No one's paying attention to me," Ernie said.
"Quit being so needy," Zacharias said.
"Yes Ernie," Susan added. "Didn't you read my Myspace profile? Though I enjoy eccentricity, one of my turn-offs is guys who are high maintenance."
When Ernie discovered no one was going to ask him what was troubling him, he decided to just tell them.
"I'm worried about how my parents will react to my getting into Hufflepuff," Ernie confided.
"Why?" asked Hannah.
"I've told you guys like a million times. Seriously, you don't listen," Ernie said exasperated. "They're hell-bent on me getting into Gryffindor."
The three snorted with laughter at the idea of Ernie getting into Gryffindor.
"I'm in distress over here, yet you continue to laugh at that!" Ernie cried.
"You getting into Gryffindor," laughed Zacharias.
"Sorry, Ernie, but you have to admit, it is pretty funny," Susan said.
"Funnier than me drinking coffee," Justin added.
"Where'd you come from, Justin?" Hannah asked.
"Owlery."
"You seem to have sobered up," Susan observed.
"Yeah, well, the author must have decided that the idea of Justin getting hyper off of coffee just wasn't as funny as she'd imagined," Zacharias said.
"How is this situation at all funny?" Ernie said, bringing the spotlight back on him. "My parents threatened to rip out my large intestines and use it to strangle me."
"But Ernie," Justin said. "The small intestine is, in actuality, longer than the large intestine. So, therefore, the small intestine would be more effective for—"
"Can we not focus on which of my innards would be better to kill me with, and instead would you guys please offer a little bit of moral support?" yelled Ernie.
"Ummm, okay," Hannah said. "We could do that. Can't we guys?"
"Sure, Ernie," Susan added. "We're, like, here for you. Zacharias, Justin, wouldn't you two like to add anything."
"We don't want to compromise our manliness…"
"SAY SOMETHING SUPPORTIVE!" Hannah ordered.
"We're here for you, Ernie," Justin said.
"Ditto," grumbled Zacharias.
There was an awkward silence. Hannah, Susan, Justin, and Zacharias stared uncomfortably at their toast.
Ernie sighed, "Fine guys, go ahead laugh."
"IT'S JUST SO FUNNY!" Hannah laughed. The others giggled, while Ernie put his head in his hands and cried to himself about his impending de-intestine-ing and strangulation.
Suddenly, an owl swooped over their table, dropping a read envelope in front of Ernie.
"Oh no," Ernie said, as the red envelope sizzled.
"Oooh, lookee!" Justin exclaimed. "The owl dropped it out of its feet. That would explain why Hedwig got so pissed off."
"Omigod, omigod," Ernie yelped. "OMIGOD, OMIGOD."
"You should probably open that," Susan offered.
"Yeah," Hannah said, discreetly spraying it with Windex.
It was that day that the five would forever remember as the day that they learned that Windex and howlers don't mix well. Apparently, Windex causes howlers to blow up.
BOOM!!!
"ERNESTO MACMILLAN! YOU HAVE DISHONORED THE FAMILY NAME. EVERY PERSON IN THE MACMILLAN FAMILY FOR THE PAST ONE THOUSAND YEARS HAS GOTTEN INTO GRYFFINDOR. I PROMISED YOU THERE WOULD BE CONSEQUENCES IF YOU DID NOT GET INTO GRYFFINDOR.
"BY THE WAY, YOUR MOTHER AND I TOOK WHAT YOU SAID INTO CONSIDERATION. WE HAVE DECIDED TO STRANGLE YOU WITH YOU SMALL INTESTINE RATHER THAN YOUR LARGE INTESTINE."
"Oh, that's not good, is it?" asked Susan. "Can you pass the pancakes?"
"You're names Ernesto?" Zacharias laughed. "Where did they come up with that?"
"You're one to talk, Zacharias," Ernie grumbled.
"I think it's unfair of them," Hannah said.
"What? You're offering me moral support?" Ernie asked. "OH, THANK YOU! Thank you, thank you, thank you."
"I mean, seriously," Hannah said. "You getting into Gryffindor." She laughed.
Ernie smiled. Even if they were still laughing at his un-Gryffindor-ness, Ernie was grateful for the support (or what was close to support) that they were giving him.
"Haha. Ernesto," Justin laughed.
"Well, they're probably disown me—after they finish physically and emotionally abusing me," Ernie sighed.
"Lucky…" mumbled Zacharias.
"You don't need them Ernie," Justin said.
"You have us now," added Hannah.
"We'll be your family," Susan concluded.
That ends this chapter, and so begins to first of many interesting days the Hufflepuff clan will have at Hogwarts.
I'm not in love with this chapter and I know it's not one of my best. I'm still trying to get the hang of writing humor, so if you see anything you think could be done better I'd appreciate you pointing it out—don't be afraid to tear me to pieces; that's the best way for me to know what I'm doing wrong and improve.
Thank you to all my loyal reviewers! Your thoughts really help me, and any suggestions you have would be great. I haven't been getting a lot of reviews recently, so if there are any new readers I'd love to here your comments—good or bad.
Thanks for reading!
L.lulu
