How to live with the Cybertronians: Guidelines for both Cybertronians and humans.
By Nikita Nightingale.
Disclaimer:
BOOOOM!
Me:*coughs and waves the smoke away* Well that went well.
Wheeljack: I don't know what went wrong.
Me: Well let's stop working on it for a while, that way I can start writing my rules again!
Optimus: *RUNS IN* NIKITA! WHEELJACK! ARE YOU ALL RIGHT!
Me: We're fine!
Optimus: What were you two doing.
Wheeljack: We were trying to create a device that would automatically write disclaimers:
Me: It didn't work, so once again I own nothing! NOTHING BUT THE PLOT AND MY NAME! Please read and enjoy chapter 4!


For some reason the people of NEST enjoy quoting their favorite games and movies so most of these next rules contain quotes. And TV and movies and t-shirt bans! Jeez it's like the auto-both don't want us to have any fun!

Rule 30: No quoting kill-zone 1,2 or 3.
Me: We call Will and Epps, Sev and Rico Now

Me: Why don't you guys leave before the explosions? Will:[Sarcastically] You can do that?

Epps:*finding some weapons in a decepticon hide out* Now this is my favorite kind of hideout. Look at all these fun toys.

Wheeljack: Given time, even a monkey can write Shakespeare. Epps: What the fuck is a Shakespeare.

*talking about a raid of the decepticon base*
Ironhide: What about me? Will: You can clean house. There's bound to be plenty of playmates dying to play with your cannons.

Redalert: Which side are you on?Me: My side.

Rule 31: Nikita is not allowed to recite the following poems to our past or present liaisons!

I see your face when I am dreaming.
That's why I wake up screaming.

A man may kiss his wife goodbye, The rose may kiss the butterfly, The wine may kiss the frosted glass, But you my friend may kiss my ass.

My feelings for you no words can tell Except for maybe go to hell

When the auto-bots pacifism wanes I think I'll throw you from a moving plane!

Hound:*shakes head* You shouldn't use poetry for that!
Miles: Dude shut up! It was funny.
Will:*laughs* Did you see Galloway face when she said the one about throwing him from the plane!
Me: I actually made that one up, the others I got off the Internet.
Optimus: Well we won't put you in the brig, but this is going to be a rule.*walks off laughing*
Me: Okay bossbot I'll write it down!

Rule 32: The movie Robot is banned!
Me: Rachet didn't like it because the bad guy had the same name, he was worried it would freighting Annabel.
Rachet: I didn't want the youngling to associate ME with that monster.
Sarah: Well unfortunately for you Annabelle is very upset with you for banning her FAVORITE movie.
Rachet: :(
Me: It's okay Rachet I still like you!*pats Rachet foot*

Rule 33: While we're on the subject no quoting Robots.

Breakdown: Stick with me, kid. I know this town like the back of my hand.
[sees the back of his hand]
Breakdown: Hey, that' s new.

(after getting caught in an explosion in wheeljacks lab)
Me: Epps, are you okay?
Epps: I'm the prettiest girl at the Harvest Moon Ball.
Me: I'll take that as a no.

(Me and Miles searching for Sam while Optimus fought of Megatron, Starscream and Blackout, you know the fight before Egypt when he died)
Me: If anything goes wrong, we'll signal each other.
Miles: What kind of signal would you want? You want something kind of subtle, like [Whispers gibberish]
Miles: Or[Barks loudly like a seal]
Miles: Oh, how about this?
Miles: [Very loudly] Caw-caw! Caw-caw! R-R-R-R-R-Rico la!
*blackout spots us*
Me: Subtle.

Rule 34: Don't remind Ironhide and Nikita that they used to hate each other!
Me: Will, that's a stupid rule! We don't hate each other anymore. We haven't since mission city! He just needed an attitude adjustment.
Ironhide: You helped Jazz and you barley knew him, you risked your life to save him. My idea about humans being inferior was foolish.
Will: It's okay big guy we forgive you.
Optimus: Well done old friend it takes a lot of courage to admit our mistakes!
Rachet: Maybe there's hope for the rust-bucket after all.
Jazz: Yeah! Ever since' we got here Ironhide's been more relaxed. He's not such a tight aft.
Ironhide: e_O I'll be at the shooting range.

Rule 35: The following t-shirts are banned!

Nikita's:

Do not disturb I'm disturbed enough already.
Me: Rachet had me tested again! Surprisingly I'm not crazy.
Miles: That is a shocker!*Nikita slaps him* Ow

This T-shirt turns green in the company of perverts.
Barricade:*laughing* Tell them why it was banned!
Me: You are an aft! It's a green shirt that's the joke but the autobots didn't realize that and thought it was true! Optimus, Prowl, Rachet, Ironhide, Hound, Cliffjumper, Wheeljack, Preceptor, Knockout and poor Bumblebee thought they were perverts and glitched when they saw it!
Fig: It was hard to bring them around, harder than normal because... well if the medic's glitch there's no one around to fix them!

Rule 01: Don' t stop reading.
Rule 02: Read rule03

Rule 03: Read rule 02

Prowl: I don't remember banning that one!
Me: That because I banned it half the male population human and autobot kept rereading it over and over and over and over. After awhile it gets kind of creepy. Miles, Hound, Breakdown, Leo and both set of twin are a couple of examples!
Rachet: WHAT!*pulls wrench out of subspace* Excuse me!*leaves*
In the distance: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

OMG! The rains wet.
I' m not as think as you dumb I am.
Don't make me call out my Flying Monkeys.
Out of my mind! Back in five minutes.
Me: These had the same results! Rachet gave me Mental tests and Prowl and Preceptor glitched.

QUICK! What color are my eyes?!
Me: My eyes are dark brown, half the single guys around the base said green!
Rachet: Who do I have to hurt!
Skids: Yo I thought Ironass was crazy!
Mudflap: The hatchet's got him beat though!

Me: Those are all my favorite T-shirts. :(

Rule 36:Myth-busters can only be watched in moderation, 2 episodes a day!
Knockout: I thought Prowl wanted it banned completely!
Rachet: I put my foot down when I realized it decreased the number of explosions from Wheeljacks Lab. Which is a good thing considering that Nikita, Sam, Epps, Will, Fig, Miles and Leo all insist on helping him! Not to mention Ironhide and Bumblebee and since he arrived Fireflight!
Breakdown: Wow how much did the explosions decrease by!
*I walk in*
Me: 5 out of every 90 projects actually work now instead of blowing up! Which compared to our old percent which was only 2 out of every 100 projects, I'd say that's pretty good.
Breakdown and Knockout: 0_0

Me: What?!
Rachet: e_O sigh

Rule 37: Just because you can watch it doesn't t mean you have to quote Myth-busters!

Sam: (testing out a virtual reality game we created )I reject your reality, and substitute my own.

Epps: [over radio] This is one of those "What the hell am I doing?" moments, over!

Me: I always enjoy seeing Leo in pain.

Miles: [wearing a full-body armor prototype] I kinda like it in here, it's private!

Fig: We got a robot in the water, he's stuffed with tuna and it's just another day here at NEST!
(poor ironhide!)

Wheeljack: (to Ironhide)I think this thing could hurt you. I think we're about to find out whether it will hurt you.

Me:(at Wheeljack's suggestion of trying to clone me) How many of me can you stand?

Will: [while pushing Epps into the pool full of jello] Drown, you bastard!

[Miles gets upset with Fireflight and walks away] Fireflight: Miles needs a cookie.

Wheeljack: What's the problem, you don't believe the math?

Leo: If I had any dignity that would have been humiliating

Me: I have a sneaking suspicion that I'm a really, really bad driver! (after crashing a rocket powered car into the Medbay)

Epps: [wearing a pilot's helmet] Epps to Fireflight, Epps to Fireflight, do you read, over?

Bumblebee: Well, hopefully that's our job, to strap rockets onto everything!

Miles: Give it your best shot! Come on! (trying out new armor)

Me: [after Rachet ran into the power lines again] Do you feel Primus?

Will:(explaining human guns to Ironhide) This kills you! [points to a .30-06 bullet] This kills you and everyone else in the room! [points to a .50cal bullet]

Fireflight:(after blowing up half of Wheeljacks lab when a prototype canon miss fired) I think that was one of the most destructive things I've ever done. That was cool!

Miles: [while in fireflight jet alt mode- testing new turbo] We're escaping the nemesis in Mach 2! Fig: No wonder Teletran couldn't find them. They're probably in Japan by now.

Fig: Aren't tracer rounds illegal?

Me: [mixing strange chemicals together in an attempt to find out what they are] Bee, why are you standing so far away?Bumblebee: Because I want to live. Me: I guess the second question is, why am I standing so close?

Ironhide: If it's worth doing, it's worth overdoing, right?

Fireflight: I think this is the strangest position I've ever been in on this planet. Ironhide: [quietly] Notice how he qualifies it with "on this planet".

Sam: You know, I promised my mom and dad I wouldn't do anything stupid after I got out of college. [whispers] Sorry, Mom.

Will, Epps, Fig and Me: [testing explosives] WE WANT A BIG BOOM!

Ironhide: It's a beautiful day at the shooting range. Birds are singing, rabbits are hopping about... and pretty soon there's gonna be a big explosion

Fig: Am I missing an eyebrow?

Bumblebee: [after destroying two semi-trucks with his new canon] It wasn't quite right, but I don't think we can reset.

Me: *laughs* Optimus is avoiding us!
Sam: I told bee not to blow up the trucks!
Fireflight: I tried to talk to him, he ran away!
In the distance:
Rachet: Why is Optimus ranting about blown up Semi-trucks! DIDN'T I TELL YOU NOT TO ABUSE THE PRIVILEGE OF HAVING YOUR STUPID EXPERIMENTS!
Wheeljack: I believed we should run!
Nikita, Sam, Epps, Will, Fig, Miles,Leo, Ironhide, Bumblebee, Fireflight: AGREED

Rule 38: The following saying are banned!

Miles: I never set out to be weird. It was always the other people who called me weird.

Will:* what Will says to recruits* Join NEST, Visit exotic places, meet alien life, and then kill them.

Epps: Cheer up, the worst is yet to come.

Me: I stopped fighting my inner demons, were on the same side now.

Breakdown: I would never die for my beliefs because I might be wrong

Rachet: You have a cough? Go home tonight, eat a whole box of Ex-Lax, tomorrow you'll be afraid to cough."

Sam: I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.
Optimus: I wish you had told us you were Joking!
Bumblebee: I threatened to kill them if they ever went near you!
Sunny and Sides: We were worried about you!
Ironhide: That was a very stupid thing to say youngling!
Prowl: Were all very disappointed in you!
Mudflap: Yo you stupid or something'!
Skids: Yeah yo that was dumb man! Yo' an idiot.
Sam :( I'm sorry! *hangs head*
Me: Ouch I'm not going laugh at you! You've been punished enough!

Knockout: A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

Leo: It is not MY fault that I never learned to accept responsibility

Fig: I am so clever that sometimes I don't understand a single word of what I am saying."

Barricade: You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you.
Me: He said that when he arrested Trent!
Mikaela, Sam and Miles: *Laughing to hard too comment*

Simmons: If you can't beat them, arrange to have them beaten.

Wheelie: I don' t suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.

Sam: I get enough exercise pushing my luck.

Me: You' re just jealous because the voices only talk to me.

Will: Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep

Me: Will's still unconscious.
Epps: Sarah beat him into a bloody pulp!
Mikaela: She's scary when you wake her up!
Sideswipe: Isn't that the pot calling the kettle black!
Sunstreaker: Yeah your just as...*trails off as Mikaela glares*
Mikaela: You have 10 seconds to run!
Sides and Sunny: SHIIIIIIIT! *Runs away*

Epps: I got a gun for my wife, best trade I ever made.
Epps: I should not of said that after finalizing my divorce! Monique beat me up in front of everyone!
Everyone: 0_0 She's scary! Will: Why did you split up!
Epps: She told me to chose between her or NEST. I wanted to stay here!:)

Leo: Everyone hates me because I'm paranoid Leo: I passed my mental tests!
Prowl:*glitch*
Everyone else: 0_0'
Leo: That hurts!

Miles: Solution to 2 of the world's s problem. Feed the Homeless to the hungry.

Me: He'd be here to comment on this himself but he didn't pass the mental test and Rachet had Hound take him to a psychiatrist!
Sam: While there he let something slip about the autobots. Will, Epps and Figs are trying to get him out of the mental hospital now.
Me: Without Galloway finding out! XD He's so much trouble!

Prowl: Silence is golden but duck tape is silver

Jazz: There's no I in Team, yeah but there is in WIN

Galloway: Eagles can soar, but weasels don't get sucked into Jet engines!
Me: That was actual pretty funny!
Epps: Yeah who knew GALLOWAY! Had a sense of humor!
Galloway: *SMILES WARMLY* Hey I'm Human too!
Everyone: 0_0 WTF Me: *Hides Behind Optimus with Epps* I'm scared!
Everyone: We're scared too!
Ironhide: I didn't know it was possible for him to smile!*glitch*
At that everyone (humans and autobots)start screaming!
Galloway:*smiles evilly* Chaos, Panic and Disorder My work here is done!*leaves*

Rule 39:No quoting Sherlock Holmes(books, movies or TV seasons).

Preceptor: How often have I said to you that when you have eliminated the impossible, whatever remains, however improbable, must be the truth

Leo: I am not a psychopath. I am a highly-functioning sociopath, get it right!"

Simmons: Get that gun out of my Will : It's not in your face, it's in my hand. Simmons: Get what's in your hand out of my face.

Redalert: Does your depravity know no bounds?Barricade: No!

Prowl:( after finding a human scientist who was working with the decepiticons) Whatever he was working on, he obviously finished Ironhide: How do you know?Prowl: Otherwise, he'd still be alive.

Galloway: I won't go in there by myself, not while he's got a gun in his hand! (Ironhide was in the shooting range)

Me: My mind rebels at stagnation. Give me problems, give me work, give me the most abstruse cryptogram, or the most intricate analysis, and I am in my own proper atmosphere. I can dispense then with artificial stimulants. But I abhor the dull routine of existence. I crave for mental exaltation Jazz: You said all that in one breath, Primus femme what' are you on!
Rachet: Nikita are you using drugs!
Me: What no!
Sam: How do you remember all that!
Me: I'm a fountain of useful and useless information!

Wheeljack: Work is the best antidote to sorrow

Sam: But there are always some lunatics about. It would be a dull world without them

Rachet: You do seem... Me: Excited? Rachet: Manic. Me: I am. Rachet: Verging on... Me: Ecstatic? Rachet: Psychotic. [pause] I should've brought you a sedative.

Will: [performing CPR on Sam] I know you can hear me, you selfish bastard!

Wheeljack: DECEPTICONS! And, by the way, fire.

Me: It's so overt it's covert.

Rule 40: No more 'that's what she said" jokes.
Me: We did this for a whole day once, after words there was an awkward silence and no one could look each other in the optics/eyes.
Leo: That's what she said!
Everyone: LEO!SHUT UP!
Leo: 0_0'Tough crowd!

Rule 41:Don't Quote The Hitchhiker's guide to the Galaxy

Redalert: All my life I've had this strange feeling that there's something big and sinister going on in the world.
Sam: No, that's perfectly normal paranoia. Everyone in the universe gets that.

(trapped by the decepticons)
Me: Don't panic... don't panic...
Miles: So this is it. We're gonna die.
Me: Yeah. We're gonna die.
[pauses]
Me: No... no! What's this?
[goes over to control panel]
Miles: What's that?
Me: What's this...? What's this...?
[flips switch]
Me:: This... is... nothing. Yeah, we're gonna die.

Teletran 1: It is important to note that suddenly, and against all probability, a Sperm Whale and a bowl of petunias had been called into existence, several miles above the surface of an alien planet and since this is not a naturally tenable position for a whale, this innocent creature had very little time to come to terms with its identity. This is what it thought, as it fell: The Whale: Ahhh! Woooh! What's happening? Who am I? Why am I here? What's my purpose in life? What do I mean by who am I? Okay okay, calm down calm down get a grip now. Ooh, this is an interesting sensation. What is it? It s a sort of tingling in my... well I suppose I better start finding names for things. Let's call it a... tail! Yeah! Tail! And hey, what's this roaring sound, whooshing past what I'm suddenly gonna call my head? Wind! Is that a good name? It'll do. Yeah, this is really exciting. I'm dizzy with anticipation! Or is it the wind? There's an awful lot of that now isn't it? And what's this thing coming toward me very fast? So big and flat and round, it needs a big wide sounding name like 'Ow', 'Ownge', 'Round', 'Ground'! That's it! Ground! Ha! I wonder if it'll be friends with me? Hello Ground! Curiously the only thing that went through the mind of the bowl of petunias, as it fell, was, 'Oh no, not again.' Many people have speculated that if we knew exactly *why* the bowl of petunias had thought that we would know a lot more about the nature of the universe than we do now.

* When Sam was seeing Cybertroniain! What he said to Megatron when he said he had something he wanted*
Sam: I'm sorry, did you just say you needed my brain? Well, you can't have it, I'm using it!

Prowl: You're looking for the Ultimate Question.
Me: Yep.
Prowl: You.
Me: Me.
Prowl: Why?
Me: No, I tried that: Why? 42. Doesn't work.

Wheeljack:(describing a new high grade formula) It has the effect of having your brains smashed out with a slice of lemon... wrapped around a large gold brick.
Ironhide: And why would I want to drink that.

Teletran1: [as they are gazing at earth] Incredible...it's even worse than I thought it would be.

Redalert: [depressed] I'd make a suggestion, but you wouldn't listen.
[even more depressed]
Redalert: No one ever does.

Fig: I asked Teletran for the best way to rescue Miles and Leo from The nemesis, it said "don't".

Me: I've been talking to Teletran 1!
Optimus: And?
Me: It hates me.

Wheeljack: A man who no more knows his destiny than a tea leaf knows the history of the East India company.

Hound: Space, is big. Really big. You just won't believe how vastly, hugely, mind bogglingly big it is. And so on.(now you can see why he's MILES guardian)

Sam: Teletran 1... you saved our lives!
Teletran 1: I know. Wretched, isn't it?

*decepiticon trap which both got out of* Ironhide: So this is it. We're going to die Redalert: Yes. Would you like a hug?
Ironhide: No.

Teletran 1: I've calculated your chance of survival, but I don't think you'll like it.

Redalert: This will all end in tears.

Teletran 1: In the beginning the universe was created. This made a lot of people angry and has widely been considered as a bad move.

Epps: So much for the laws of physics.

*During a decepticon attack*
Teletran 1: What to do if you find yourself stuck with no hope of rescue: Consider yourself lucky that life has been good to you so far. Alternatively, if life hasn't been good to you so far, which given your present circumstances seems more likely, consider yourself lucky that it won't be troubling you much longer.

Redalert: I have a million ideas, but, they all point to certain death.
Me: Thanks very much, Red!

Teletran 1:
Nothing travels faster than the speed of light with the possible exception of bad news, which obeys its own special laws.

Redalert: Ah, this is obviously some strange usage of the word 'safe' that I wasn't previously aware of.

Me: Optimus you should really talk to Redalert and Teletran, because their moods keep shifting and Teletran 1 seems to hate humans. Mostly me!

Optimus: I'll speak with them!

Rule 42: No one needs a theme song!
Prowl: You all put entirely too much thought into things like this!
Optimus: Prowl old friend, leave them alone let them have their fun!

Theme songs:
Me(Nikita)- Eyes open by Taylor Swift

Rachet- How To Save A life by The Fray(Me: cliché I know),

Optimus- The humbling river by Puscifer

Sam- Who I Am Hates Who I've Been by Relient K

Bumblebee- I'd come for you by Nickelback

Sarah- Teenage Dream by Katy Perry

Annabelle(both Ironhides and Chromia's charge)- The gift of a friend by Demi Levato(Will: It's one of her favorites

songs)

Chromia- Sweet revenge by Barlow Girl(Me: I might tell you why in the next chapter or another story)

Will- Grown Men Don't Cry by Tim McGraw

Ironhide- My Old Friend by Tim McGraw

Epps- Beat it By Michael Jackson

Jazz- Boom Boom Pow by The Black Eyed Peas

Miles- High school never ends by Bowling For Soup

Hound- Best of Friends from The Fox and The HOUND (Me: XD)

Leo(Still hasn't been assigned guardian) - What's My age again by Blink 182

Prowl- The Logical Song by Supertramp

Skids and Mudflap- We are Siamese if you please from Lady and the Tramp

Fig- I ran over the taco bell dog song by Adam Sandler (Everyone:*laughing too hard to comment* XD )

Breakdown- Dive by Boom Boom Satellites

Knockout- Flawed Design by Stabilo

Barricade- Alive and Awake by Skillet.

Sunstreaker- You're so Vain by Carly Simon

Sideswipe- I will not bow by Breaking Benjamin

Galloway- when your evil by Voltaire

Redalert- There coming to take me away by Dr Demento

Wheeljack- The Scientist by Coldplay

Fireflight- Like a g6 by Far East Movement

Simmons- Paranoid by Greenday

Me: Guardians are named after their charges! And Ironhide and Chromia are not sparkmates, just to set the records straight. Chromia and Sarah are really good friends so it made sense to make her, her charge too! Oh I know Simmons hasn't been seen in awhile but he's on a 3 month vacation!
Will: Lucky bastard!
Epps: I know right!
Me: Moving on! I'd continue the list but it would be at least 20 pages long! Sam: I still don't know why Mikaela didn't want a theme song.
Mikaela: It's okay I really don't want one(laughs and shakes her head)


Me: Alright that's all for now. Sorry I took so long. Me and Wheeljack thought it would take less time to make the auto-disclaimer.
Wheeljack: Yes and I apologize. I'm really sorry it didn't work.
Me: Ah it's alright. The explosion was awesome!
Sam: Yeah I'd give an 10.
Will: Please it was a 5.
Miles: No it was 6.
Leo: Wrong it was a 9.
Bumblebee: 10

Fireflight: 10

Fig: I'd give it a 12.
Ironhide: Your all wrong it was a three.
Me: What you're crazy!
Prowl: It's dangerous not amazing!
Rachet: Bumblebee, Fireflight, Ironhide I expect better of you. Humans are a young race. There still youngling compared us!* ignores protests and continues* Optimus aren't you going to say anything!
Optimus:*laughs* They are all legal adults, they can do what they want.
Prowl: Not on my watch!*storms away*
Rachet: WHAT HE SAID!
Optimus: They just worry about your safety please be patient!
Will: It's alright Optimus!
Sam: Yeah were happy that even with assholes like Galloway around that they still care about us!
Miles: Yeah makes us feel like we're a part of the team.
Epps: Unofficial auto-bots if you will!
Fig: We worry about you guys when you're in trouble.
Me: Yeah that's what friends and families do.

Optimus: Your words warm my spark, you are each just as important to me as anyone of my autobots!
Bumblebee:"We are family, get up everybody and sing."

Sam: Yeah bee's like a big brother to me! I'd be dead by now if it wasn't for him!

Bumblebee: "Let's her for the boy, oh let's give the boy a hand."

Me:*laughing* Alright remember to rate and review!

Leo: We won't force you, it's your right to refuse as sentient beings!*everyone stares at him* What!? Optimus always says it. I wanted to for a change. I thought it would make me sound cool! Optimus:*lowers his battle mask to hide his mischievous grin* It didn't work!*walks away*

Leo: X_X

Me: Ouch burned by Optimus Prime. That's got to hurt.*laughs as Leo walks away sulking* Well while Leo licks his wounds. For everybody here at NEST(well everyone but Galloway) I say see ya later! Oh and if you have any idea's or suggestions for rules you'd like to hear feel free to send them. I promise to give full credit to the person who thought of it! BYE! }