When I came to again, I did not feel Tessa's hand in mine, so I sat up, hoping to catch their attention. However, I soon realized I was alone in the library.
Taking the opportunity to explore a little, I got to my feet before setting the cane in front of me like a seeing cane. I took a few steps and swung it in front of me, feeling for any obstacles in my way. I continued this until I felt the edge hit a corner of a bookshelf. I reached out a hand to feel the spines of very old books lined up. Perhaps on instinct, I selected one at random and opened it to a random page. The small breeze tickled my face, and I started to have a suspicion I liked reading as a kid. Thumbing through the pages, the distinct smell of paper wafted up towards me. It was a little odd how soothing the smell was, but soon I was selecting any book at random and flipping through it to smell that addicting book smell.
After walking up and down in front of the shelf, I picked out a final book and tucked it under my arm before walking slowly back to the couch. There, I lowered myself back onto the furniture and placed the book on my stomach with the spine against my navel. It hurt almost physically to be unable to read the words. Before, I put off reading books because I was so busy helping Gracia. In Mortmain's prison I had other things preoccupying my mind besides reading. But now, I knew I would never be able to read a book again. You don't know the things you miss before they're taken away from you.
Wallowing in my self-pity, I took to stroking the pages of the book, hoping the story would rub off on me. Knowing it was futile, I continued anyways because the pages were soft and comforting. I didn't notice the figure behind me until he moved to sit right next to me on the couch. I jumped, visibly startled at this person's soundlessness when walking.
"I'm sorry, I didn't notice you," I quickly stammered, embarrassment surely making itself noticeable on my face.
"No, I'm sure you didn't," Will's voice drawled. "You looked very keen on stroking that book. I was tempted not to bother the two of you."
My brow furrowed at the almost harsh tone his voice took. It sounded as if he were talking with Gabriel or maybe Cecily, spitting the words out. My thoughts returned to what Cecily said this morning. Will seems to like to keep people away from him as much as possible. Perhaps it was this tone that turned people away from Will.
"I can see why people don't care for your presence," I said flatly.
"Oh, so the others spoke with you, did they?" Will asked in a not so surprised voice.
"Why do you sound like this?" My voice rose at the end and hit him between the eyes. I don't think I've ever raised my voice since coming here. Having this pent up anger drew a thin line, a line Will just crossed. "You were perfectly nice last night until you made your unceremonious exit. Did I say something to you?"
"First of all," he began, "my exits are never unceremonious-"
"Will," I growled. "Did I say something to you?"
He took a moment to answer my question, so I could tell he contemplated what he would tell me. To be honest, I was expecting something entirely different or an avoidance of the question in general. Instead, Will picked up the book in my lap and opened it up so I could hear the pages turning.
"It figures the book you'd choose was about demonology. Seems I can never escape my curse." His words left his lips like steam, rolling off his tongue to only evaporate into the air.
"Curse?" I asked, my voice considerably softer than before.
"Everyone in the Institute is not without their curses," Will said. "Charlotte was born a woman in a world of man. Henry was given power he couldn't wield. Sophie was scarred for her good looks. Gabriel and Gideon have to live with their father's ruined name. Cecily had to grow up without her siblings. Jem has to live a shortened life. Tessa plays a part in Mortmain's games. I am no different from them, but they are what I feared for the longest time.
"I was just a boy, naive and innocent of the Shadow World, when I released a demon from a pyxis. My older sister, Ella, saved me that day, but not before the demon put a curse on me and told me anyone who loves me will die, starting with Ella. The next day Ella was dead in her bed and my mother was weeping over her mutated body. I decided then that I would train to kill that demon. I came to the Institute and renounced my affiliation with my father, a Shadowhunter who left the Clave. I kept everyone at arm's length because I didn't want anyone to die like Ella. I only cared for Jem, who was dying already. He was my sin. I lived like that for five years, treating myself like poison. Only recently did I find out the curse was fake. Old habits die hard."
Being blind did not hinder the tears that escaped my closed eyes. Will's voice carried his burden with him, a pain that couldn't be shared with anyone. After hearing both Will and Jem's stories, I couldn't help wondering how Shadowhunters did it. How could these angelic creatures love so truly like that? How could they live their lives without just burning up? Sensing Will in front of me, I reached for his hand and clung to it, silent sobs sending shivers down my back.
Will stiffened in my arms, then let out a throaty chuckle, as if he'd been caught in some awful joke. "To answer your question, yes, it was something you said."
Gaining control of my hiccups and tears, I pried my arms from his hand. Why did I reach out for him? I wondered. "Did I remind you of your curse?"
"No, you reminded me of my sin."
"Jem?"
"Not of him specifically, but your eyes… they can see things overlooked by any normal person. You could penetrate my shield like it didn't exist. In the mere hours after we met, you came so close to knowing, and I panicked before reverting back to my old self. I forgot I don't have to hide anymore."
Will mentioned my eyes and the power they had over him. Before, I kept my eyes closed because I wanted to hide. It would be like I was sleeping. Opening them reminded me that I had changed. But now I knew my useless eyes held a sight Will suffered from. Breaking the seals, I attempted to lift the shades covering my sight. I struggled at first with this new weight I had to carry, and the blackness still greeted me even though I knew I had opened my eyes for the first time since Mortmain. I remembered my hair turned a translucent silver color before I left, so I painted that into my vision.
"You never have to hide from me, Will," I breathed. A weightless sensation filled my stomach as I appeared to float around. My heart hammered a beat I could not follow as it changed tempo to match the tidal wave of feelings assaulting me. What was this feeling? I was dying, there could be no other explanation.
Fingers brushed past my cheeks and made trails down my face. I could feel Will's gaze looking at me, taking in the addition of my battered eyes. All this attention made me uneasy and self-conscious. I tried to close them again, but Will's hands told me to stop.
"You look better with them open," he said softly.
I smirked and pulled his hand away from my face. "I look dead."
He laughed too, and the uncomfortable quiet around us broke with every shake of his voice. "What color were they?"
I thought back to my days with Gracia. "Brown. My hair was a dark brown too. Thinking back, I remember hating my eyes. They were so boring…" I paused. "Dark humor, I know, but now I can say I at least don't look so ordinary."
"I don't think ordinary would be the word to use," Will said.
"Will? What do you look like?"
He took a deep breath. "Cecily and I got my mother's blue eyes. She used to tell us the color reminded her of the lake back home in Wales. When I got to London, the rivers here only looked grey and dirty. My father gave me his black hair. The color matched the dark runes we draw on our body. Cecily will tell you I look like a ghost because the sun isn't too forgiving to London, though I never really noticed the color of my skin. It was always hidden under gear or blood or runes…"
He seemed to know exactly what I wanted as I started painting a picture of Will in my head. I could see his blue eyes shining brightly through his dark hair, though I'm not sure the length. A smile spread across my face.
"... Jem used to tell me my terribly good looks get me into trouble and inflate my ego. Frankly, I have no idea what he is talking about."
"Will," I breathed. "You are beautiful." I could've used a better word to describe him, but nothing could express my feelings better. And I wasn't only talking about his looks. His soul seemed to shine brightly above the others.
I could sense his body move closer to mine. A fabric, probably a handkerchief, brushed against my cheeks to wipe away my half-dried tears. I knew I was pathetic then, crying over the tiniest things. I could only imagine what he was thinking then.
He didn't say a word for a while, allowing me to regain my composure. I expected a sarcastic remark or a helping word, something, but he didn't speak. From somewhere in front of me, a clock chimed four. As if on cue, he rose to his feet.
"Sophie is probably setting the table now. We should go." His voice wasn't vulnerable or soft. But it wasn't like last night. I took that to be a good thing.
I nodded and felt around for my cane. Will helped me up as well, though I felt my eyes closing. It seemed like they would only be between me and Will. And also perhaps Jem and Tessa. He guided me down the vast hallways until we came to the dining room, where voices rang out. As opposed to yesterday, the volume remained high even as I entered the room.
"I don't care what the consul says, I won't leave her there," Charlotte sighed. "Report all you want back to him, but I am not sending Jessamine away now."
"It seems this consul guy is harping on you because you're the one threatening his position," Cecily pointed out. "I wouldn't listen to a thing he says."
"You've only been here a month. You don't know how much power he holds over the entire council or Enclave," Gabriel retorted.
It seemed things among the Shadowhunters weren't as collected as it appeared. Will helped me find a seat and alerted me to where the food was. He moved off, but I felt another pair of hands helping me serve myself.
"We thought it would be best to let you rest in the Library," Jem's voice said.
I smiled. "Thank you. It probably was just what I needed seeing I'll have to manage without the yin fen."
"We were going to come collect you for supper," Tessa said to my right, "but it seems Will already took care of that." By her tone, I'd say she sounded suspicious.
"He found me in the Library," I answered, glad Tessa diverted the conversation.
Dinner remained a normal event. Talk soon shifted from Jessamine and the consul to trivial things like training and demons. It was great to sit with them and hear the routine in their lives. I was glad that my presence didn't disrupt their time together.
But that peace didn't last long as towards the end of dinner I started to feel a tightness grow in my chest. I leaned back in my chair hoping a change in position would help me. The tightness grew until I struggled to breath.
"Natalie!" someone shouted. Chairs screeched across the hard floor as multiple people flew to my aid. It was all I could do to claw at my chest. Arms suddenly wove around me and lifted me out of my chair. I couldn't tell who. My hearing was slowly starting to fade as the lack of oxygen reached my brain. I was fading, slowly, slowly…
Will burst into the Infirmary and laid her down on the nearest bed. The others weren't far behind him, with Jem coming close second. Will's face was a mask of clay, with only slight hints in his eyes at his pain. Jem was the only one to notice it, though he said nothing about it. Natalie's skin was starting to turn purple as the drug shut down her respiratory system.
"She's dying!" Charlotte exclaimed.
"Jem, are you-" Will began.
"There's nothing left. I checked around, but it's all gone."
"There has to be something," Tessa pleaded. "Some herb or rune-"
"She's a mundie, the mark will kill her."
"But it might be better than doing nothing at all," Tessa retorted.
"People burn when they are marked," Will hissed at her. He paled, eyes widening a fraction of a second. Jem and Tessa noticed it too, the bite in Will's voice. For Tessa, it was the Will from the attic, with holy water dripping down his face. Somehow, this girl had gotten to Will. But…
"Her pulse is slowing," Henry said, fingers against Natalie's throat. She had stopped thrashing and was now as still as death. Almost.
"Then there's still time," a voice said from the doorway.
Will's eyes narrowed. "Magnus? Why are you here?"
"It's called public service," Magnus said. "I do recall I seem to be doing a lot of it."
"You can help her?" Charlotte asked.
"It's temporary, but it should resume her breathing." Purple sparks danced from his fingers as he moved closer to the infirmary bed. "I need room. Everyone leave."
