Chapter Three: If It Makes You Less Sad.

"We'll start talking again and you can tell me how vile I already know I am…"

She had an 'S' tattooed on her right hip in a deep black handwritten print. Every time she stared at the neat script, she thought her heart would blow up and explode into tiny little pieces. It was just one simple letter, number nineteen in the alphabet her son always pointed out, written in someone else's scribbles. It was the most depressing thing that Ashley had encountered in her life, apart from the reason the person who wrote it not being apart of her said life. The scrawl was a permanent reminder that her life wasn't how she had originally hoped it would have been. Instead, she has the vibrant reminder of 'what if's' and 'what should have been'.

Ashley sat on the edge of the bed, her red tank top lifted up by a tanned hand, to reveal the black ink. She had just woken up and the morning sun was shinning brightly between the cracks in her curtains. She felt disoriented and lost, like every morning, having to look down at the reminder on her hip to tell her where she was at that point in her life. Her sadness for what has been lost has always stuck with her, like she was weighed down and couldn't let anything go. Her life was pretty content, but it could be better, she could have gotten better. So, here she was, sitting on the edge of her bed forced to realize that another day, after so many days, she was left without the owner of the written tattoo.

She traced the neat print with her pinky, somehow always feeling more and more connected with her when she did so. It nearly stopped her heart four days ago when she saw the mysterious blond on the porch of her apartment complex. They had called and told her that she was released from the hospital. They told her that she wasn't 'her' Spencer anymore, but they forgot to mention that she was leaving in the same building as her. They forgot to mention that she was her new neighbor. So, as she pulled up her children's hoods and about to take them to the park, her heart nearly failed her.

How was she supposed to react?

How does one react when they see a ghost? She always played the scene in her head over and over when she would first see the young girl again. First, the scene involved the two girls as high school seniors, but then as time grew on and on, it began to change. It changed to meeting again as freshman in college, or at a bookstore, or at a baby shower, and then it changed to not meeting ever again in this lifetime. She had begun to loose all hope. When she saw the blond the other day she was taken aback and went into auto-mode. It didn't help that after that day Ofelia kept asking her to join them at the park.

They told her that it was best for Spencer. They told her that she was damaged and the only way to get fixed was a new life, new memories. They told her that she wasn't what the blond needed right then. She didn't believe them. Who are white coated doctors, anyway? She fought them to see her. She cried for them to let her speak to her. She sobbed for them to just give her evidence that she was alive. Then they took her to the hospital, four hours outside of Los Angeles, a remote institution for severe and abnormal cases. When Ashley sees her tattoo, she remembers the day like she was reliving it.

The Von Troust Institute was a renowned hospital dealing with extreme or unusual psychological cases. It was a rare treat for them to receive a trauma victim experiencing deep psychosis and amnesia. The brunette didn't know any of this. All she knew that her girlfriend, her soul, was missing and she had gone crazy with trying to find her. She didn't find her, no, the blond had been found half dead under the peer. The Carlin's tried to explain this the best they could to Ashley, Kyla, Glen, and Chelsea. They tried to do it before it hit the news, but they couldn't. Instead, Ashley remembers being in the mall putting up flyers with Kyla when the news came on. "Spencer Carlin found by a jogger that morning, raped and beaten, one suspect, a Aiden Dennison, in custody. Ashley doesn't remember much else from that day except that the next week she had to pay the mall a large sum of money in damages.

She remembers stepping into white halls. It looked like any other hospital. They told her that they had proof that it was in the best interest that she didn't be in contact with the blond. It was when they made it to the forth level floor that Ashley understood what they mean. She watched through a one way mirror with wide eyes. The blond was curled onto her side on the full size bed with her eyes focused right at her. Ashley felt her hand hit the glass in desperation to reach her lover, to save her from her mind pulling itself farther and farther away. Instead, in a hollow scream, the blond had cried over and over, "No Ash…no no no no Ash no!"

Ashley broke down right there in the room.

What is a girl to do when given this information?

Of course, she follows the doctor's orders. She had lost the one good thing in her life. She had it all taken away by one of the only people she trusted. In some retrospect, she felt guilty also. If she never treated Aiden the way she did. If she never asked him to move thing around, go to parties with her, be her boy toy, then he wouldn't have took his anger out on Spencer. She felt guilty because if she had stopped him that night that he told her off, if she only stopped him, then Spencer would be here with her. Spencer would have a happy family with her. Instead, Ashley is sitting on this bed reminiscing over her lost girlfriend.

Ashley got up onto her feet and started to make her bed. She sat the soak monkey and brown teddy bare on the table next to her bed, smiling as her children had woke earlier and were probably in the play room drawing. She herd something fall off the table and reach down to get it. She brought the picture frame up and sit it on the table. She smiled lightly as she saw the blue eyes of 'her' Spencer smiling back at her from six years ago. "Just before everything happened," Ashley thought to herself. She then looked at the stuffed animals next to it and sighed.

"…and if it makes you less sad, I'll take your pictures all down…"

Would she give up her two beautiful children for a 'her' Spencer?

She always felt guilty thinking about that, thinking about if she would still have Ofelia and Pan. She would like to think in her heart that she would. They would just be both her's and Spencer's instead of her's and Harvey's. Harvey was a guy she met at a local café and they became good friends. Their relationship was mostly just very close friends who loved each other. Like most, they tried to work it out into something more. Their relationship lasted a year and half, a year a half of needing someone to keep the other grounded. It was a year and a half of being able to touch another human being. It didn't work. But the result was Pan and then seven months later (born premature due to complications), Ofelia.

In a way, unconsciously, Ashley had chosen Harvey because she could see Spencer in him. His blond shaggy hair and grayish blue eyes immediately made Ashley think about Spencer. It was his good nature and 'farm boy from Iowa' persona that really made Ashley get so close to him. He reminded her of Spencer. She even raised her children how Spencer said she would raise her children. She even named then after the characters of Pan's Labyrinth, like Spencer said she would. For a while, she thought Harvey would fill a void, Spencer's void, but it didn't work out that way.

"Mama! Mama!" Two rambunctious kids screamed running into the room. Ashley turned around and bent down with wide, open arms to catch the children. Their giggles were comforting as their small arms wrapped around her neck.

"Good morning, my Prince and Princess," She gave each child a light kiss on the forehead and pulled back. She smoothed back their blondish brown hair and smiled warmly at them. Her nicknames for them were consoling to her broken heart. She had always called them her Prince and Princess, following the story line of Pan's Labyrinth. Their interest in their nicknames only heightened when they got a hold of one of the many books written by Spencer Carlin. Ashley wrapped her arms around their waists and lifted then up and sat them on the bed. They smiled and jumped up and down in their royalty pajamas.

"Mama, rwead us a storeee!" Pan said jumping with his little sister. He gave a dazzling smile to her mother that melted Ashley's heart. It was the time around her children that almost made her forget the past.

That almost made her forget about the blonde beneath her.

Almost.

Ashley reached for the book under her table; it was sitting on top of several other books, and climbed onto the bed between the two children. Ofelia, with her long hair wildly around her head, climbed into her lap and snuggled against her chest. Pan found his way under her arm with his head next to Ofelia. Both children were very close to their mother. Ashley had no need to work, due to the millions to her name, but when she went into the studio occasionally, she brought her children. She grinned, remembering something Kyla had joked about earlier. Kyla had said, "They're so fucking attached cause you carried them around and breast fed them until they weaned themselves. You damn hippie!" Ashley only replied, "Duh, it's called attached parenting."

"Mama," Her little girl mumbled pointing at the book.

Ashley smiled down at them before opening the book to colorful pages. "She open her eyes and realized she wasn't in her world anymore. Instead, she was in a new colorful world with bright stars leading her way to a castle. She was now a princess and this is how her life began…"

Ashley continued to read the book to the children, getting into the strange, almost morbid tale about a Princess who finds a whole new family. The children pointed absentmindedly at things that caught their attention and encouraged Ashley to do the voices. As the book coming to a end, Ashley gave a kiss on each child's head before reading the last lines. She spoke as she closed the book, "Reality and non-reality, it doesn't matter, I'm still the ruler of the world." She sat the book back on the stack and wondered if that really was a book for children.

"Common kids, let's get ready. I'll even take you to the park before go to auntie Kyla's." Ashley said watching the children's eyes light up at such a simple thing. They got up onto the bed and began to jump around with excitement. Ashley stood up and reached for one kid at a time and placed them onto the floor. "Common, common, lets get some clothes on you."

The children took off running for their playroom, where all their clothes were kept in the three bedroom apartment. Ashley walked down the sunlit hallway following the children into a large bright red playroom with bamboo flooring. The children went to find their flip flops as Ashley went to their closet and looked for something for them to wear. She turned around, "What do you guys wanna wear today?"

"'resss!" Ofelia said pointing at the bright pink dress with little designs on the bottom edges.

Ashley nodded her head and pulled the dress out of the closet before turning to the small boy. "You?"

He put his finger to his chin and tapped like he had seen his mother do once before. "Mmm, how bout pants and komonono shirt?"

Ashley chuckled, "You mean kimono?"

He nodded his shaggy head, "Yeah. That."

She chucked and got his outfit out of the closet, giving them to each child and telling them to put it on while she went to get dressed. She returned back to the playroom five minutes later clad in grey yoga pants and a red tank top. She smiled at her children before taking their hands in one of her own and heading for the door grabbing their jackets and her keys.

As they were leaving the apartment, Ofelia pulled on Ashley's hand. Ashley looked down at her daughter, "Yes, baby?"

Ofelia looked down shyly, "Can we asskah dat lady to pway with us 'gain?" Ashley looked a way for a moment, not knowing how to approach her daughter on this sensitive subject. The little girl continued, "You know dat lady, from da photos."

Ashley nodded her head and bent down to the level of her daughter. She pushed back her crazy hair into a pony tale and slide the little girl's sun glasses, that where hanging on her shirt, onto of her head. "Princess, remember how Mama said not to tell the lady we have photos of her?" Ofelia nodded her head. "Well, I just wanted to remind you. You too Pan." She looked at the boy as he nodded his head. She has found that the small child was shy around the blond, which she found adorable. "Well, here lets slip on your guys' jackets."

She put on Ofelia's first, telling her to wait for her and Pan before she went running down the stairs. Of course, being an impatient child, she went running down the stairs to the main floor. Ashley sighed and took Pan's hand, giving the little boy a small smile before going down after the girl.

"Look Mama! It's her agan!" Ashley paused on the steps, always shocked to see the blond so clearly. It was different to see her everyday. Ashley felt her heart skip a few beats before balancing out to normal as she quickly examined the young woman. Her skin was pale white, stretching over her bones as if she was barely eating. Her skin seemed to have more color than a few days ago, but not enough to make Ashley satisfied about her health. She looked so fragile, so thin, holding herself as she looked down at Ofelia. "She's holding herself the best she can probably," Ashley thought to herself.

Ashley noticed the sides of Spencer's mouth giving a small twitch but didn't form all the way. This was the forth time the her small child gave hope to the older blond, the first three resulting in disappointment. Ashley watched Spencer with intense brown eyes as she stood examining the little girl. Ashley's face mirrored Spencer's; solemn and intense. She was surprised when blue eyes turned to look her way as she stood frozen on the steps. Pan had found his way where he was shyly behind her, grasping her large hand in his tiny one. She watched as Spencer's eyes followed up her arm before landing on her face. Ashley noticed fireworks exploding in her eyes.

The blond always had that in her eyes when she was around Ashley.

Maybe Ashley should take a leap…

"Hello," Ashley half sang softly as she came to the last step. She was getting so close to Spencer, almost too close, but at the same time the sudden distance in Spencer's eyes kept her so far away. She couldn't allow herself to get her hopes up. She remember the doctor's explaining to her that the blond probably won't remember her. She also remember them telling her that it is in the best interest of Spencer to not be around each other. She sighed and held out her free hand and called out for her small daughter, "Ofy, Princess, leave the woman alone." Spencer had become 'the woman' to the outside world. Yet, still in her heart, Spencer was 'her's'.

Ofelia met her mother's eyes and pouted, "But Mama, idn't she' ssso 'retty. Con't she play wit usss?"

Ashley smiled softly down at the little girl and nodded her head at the girl's language. Ofelia took the offered hand and the Ashley bent down to kiss her forehead. "Yes, she is very pretty but I think she doesn't want to play. Princess, she doesn't even know us."

Ashley's heart broke as she watched Ofelia's shoulders fall and the pout grew into her green eyes as disappointment spread through her little body. Ofelia looked over at the blonde who had kept still during this whole ordeal. With a couple small steps, she let go of her Ashley's hand and walked over to Spencer. She offered a blond her small hand, "'M Ofelia Kei Davies an' 'm fourah. Dat's meh brother, Pan, and dat's meh mama."

Ashley smiled lightly as she watched her child introduce to the woman she was still in love with. Her world seemed to be shifting, and in some cases it was, together. What held Ashley's heart was how Spencer smiled down at her daughter, taking her small hand and shaking it with her own. Spencer looked over at Pan, noticing his shyness before returning her eyes back to Ofelia's green ones. With a soft voice, Spencer answer, "Well hello Ofelia Davies, it just so happens we have the same middle name. I am Spencer Kei Carlin."

Ashley felt her heart tear a little, signaling to her that she had named her child after Spencer. Just another reminded of the life they didn't share together. Ashley continue to look at the woman, playing all the 'what ifs' in her head as she watched the girl interact with her daughter. The sunny days they could be together, then traveling the world together, even the simple idea of curling up in bed together. It was so close, it had almost been there, their future, but it was ripped from their willing hands like a raggedy piece of paper. Ashley watched Spencer get back to her feet and let go of Ofelia's hand before turning to her.

Could she see the 'what if's' play across her eyes like tiny movies of what should have beens?

Ashley took a deep breath before stepping forward closer and holding out her hand to Spencer. The need to touch the other girl was overwhelming her brain. She hasn't felt the other girl's skin in over six years. It was six, long, somewhat painful years that she had felt the warmth. Letting the words come freely, she smiled and whispered, "Ashley Davies." It was just like it had been the first time she met the girl in their old high school gym.

Spencer looked taken aback at first but reached for Ashley's waiting hand. Ashley nearly sighed in contentment when she felt the soft, warm skin against her owns. The flashes of her mind came quicker and quicker and were almost too much for the brunette. She willed herself not to let her eyes get glossy. When Ashley took her hand away, she let her fingers dance across Spencer's hand and fingers before completely loosing touch. Ashley smiled at her brighter with her eyes, memories playing faster and faster as if they were in 'fast forward' mode. Ashley put her free hand on Ofelia's head and smiled lightly at Spencer. Her nose crinkling as she asked, "Would you please join us at the park?"

"And if it makes you less sad we'll start talking again… I'll be a brand new day in a life that you hate…"