A/N Hey, sorry about the wait, but with the back to school season approaching it's been extremely hectic! Plus I've began making plushies of the CM team (to go along with my Grey's plushies) so today was spent sewing mini Emily and JJ. But between my odd hobbies and the mayhem I've had the time to continue the next chap, so here it is!
-Nightshade
I don't own Criminal Minds, though mini Em and JJ are all mine!
Get Through
Chapter Four
I was unable to sit still that evening, so I paced. Despite the fact a Prentiss never paces, I paced my apartment floor until I worried I'd erode a circular track in the hardwood. The onslaught of information was such that it made me antsy and twitchy. My mind was in the same state as my body, running itself in a circuitous route through my thoughts in a manner that made me insane. It was simple right? Donate the liver and have my daughter live, that's the right choice, but why was it so damn painful? I'd give my life if it meant I could fix her, but in a way that would be easier. Because I'd be gone and I wouldn't have to face all the crappy things my giving her up put her through. That in turn made me feel selfish, and I didn't want to be selfish, but I just couldn't face it. I'm an avoider, I avoid things when they get too bad, and this made avoiding impossible. I kicked the table in front of me out of sheer frustration; the throb in my foot was minor in comparison to the throbbing in my head and heart. Normally if I felt like this after a case I would drink, but right now the unopened bottle of liquor sitting on the table seemed more like an enemy than a soothing friend. It stared at me with scornful eyes, hammering in the blame. How could I turn to alcohol when my daughter was dying because of it? I contemplated kicking the table again, since the rush of anger and the aching pain was almost calming, yet I shoved that away as well. I could feel all the frustration of not-knowing growing inside of me like a tumor, feeding upon my life and sapping me of my strength. And somewhere within my scattered brain, two neurons finally connected. I walked over to my purse and pulled out the crumpled sticky note. If there was ever a time I needed to talk to someone, it was now. I dialed the digits into my cell, and paced in time with the dial tone, counting out a flat melody, a rigid duet.
"Hello, this Jennifer Jareau speaking." Her angelic voice crackled through the tinny speaker on my phone.
"JJ, it's me, Emily. Can you come to my apartment, I need-I need someone to talk to." The simple act of stating I needed help hurt, to just admit it when all I wanted to do was hide away. I faintly heard the engine of a car starting in the background, and I suppressed an ironic laugh as an errant thought waltzed through my mind. JJ sitting in her car, knowing I would call, just waiting for me to get over myself and do it.
"Alright Em, I'm on my way. What's your address?"
" 1867 Belvedere Road, in apartment 4B." I heard the squealing of tires as she presumably peeled out of her driveway and roared down the street.
"Okay, I'll be there soon."
"Just be careful, ease up on the gas lead foot." I chuckled humorlessly as I imagined her speedometer straining to keep up with her racing engine. The line went dead, and I sat back on my couch, staring into space, still contemplating whether drowning my sorrows in whiskey was wise, especially if I'll be getting liver function tests done soon. JJ softly entered the apartment after what seemed like only seconds of waiting.
"Your door is unlocked." She stated the obvious before walking closer, finding me engaged in a staring contest with a bottle of whiskey and its shot glass henchman. "What's wrong?"
"I can't decide whether to drink or not. Because drowning all this in alcohol would be so much easier." My voice was detached, like I couldn't even connect my problems to myself.
"Make what easier?" she sat down beside me, laying a comforting hand on my knee. I opened my mouth and at first nothing came out, I choked on air as I struggled to make words.
"I have a daughter." I offered, unable to put any more out at once. The words stung my throat without the numbness that comes with being drunk. The blonde beside me said nothing; instead her expressive blue eyes gave me a look. It was just so pure and defenseless, free of judgment and full of coaxing.
"I got pregnant when I was fifteen; I gave the baby up for adoption. We moved around so often and it was so hard to make friends, I just wanted to be liked for once in my life. I just didn't think I would end up pregnant." I hung my head in shame. It felt just like I was telling my mom all over again, shrinking under her authoritative gaze. I was ready for her to be taken aback, to judge me for my mistake. But all I received in reply was a tender hand rubbing my back.
"I got a call from a hospital in the area; she was living on the street turning tricks for a living. She's in liver failure, because of abuse of alcohol and IV drugs. I'm responsible for all of that. I did all of that."
"None of this is your fault Emily. You were too young, and you put your faith in a foster system that has left children behind. You made the right choice then, you gave her a life, what happened to it was out of your hands." The ferocity in her tone shocked me, yet she didn't have me convinced.
"But I can't even face her now. I know she's going to blame me, everyone does! She's so sick JJ, she's barely alive. I don't know what to do. I may be compatible to donate her half of my liver, but the last time I had her life in my hands look how it ended! I'm no good for her, and, and… and I just wish all this would go away!" I vented childishly, selfishly, but unable to hold it back. The blonde took my hands in hers in a firm grasp, forcing me finally to look at her.
"I know things aren't ideal, but this is how they are. We can't change the past, but we can change the future and her future is nothing without you. You don't even know it you're a match but if you are, you can change her future. You're not allowed to run away from this, because if you do then she will die and I can't see you ever forgiving yourself for something like that. You're her mom, that's why you're worried, that's why you're so confused, and that's why you're tripping over your own thoughts. You're her mom, and show it or not, want it or not, she needs her mom right now." Her words struck me to my core, making me reveal the part I was never willing to admit.
"I'm scared Jennifer." My voice sounded childlike in itself, a whimper, like a dog that's been kicked.
"I know, it's okay to be scared." I straightened up, feeling lighter now that I was able to organize my thoughts again, before giving JJ a look.
"So you can tame my mental mess in less than twenty minutes, yet you can't even begin to organize the pile of files on your desk?" she cracked a weak smile.
"It's an enigma, don't bother." She smirked before getting up to leave.
"JJ, thank you, for listening." I stopped her before she reached the door. With one hand on the doorframe she gave me a sassy wink.
"Anytime Em." The sincerity of her words was palpable, and it left the room feeling warm long after she left. I clutched it like a security blanket, keeping the warm fuzzy feelings by my side as I snuggled into bed for the night. It was the first time in a while I fell asleep content.
A/N I hope it's up to par! Reviews are like little packages of happiness!
