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Note: Part of the Not Over Yet universe, but not a fixed event.
Charissa nodded slowly, "This isn't going to be easy for me… I'm not exactly good on the show and tell front. I keep things to myself well, especially my feelings so…" She stopped, realizing she was rambling and trying to get around what she knew she needed to do, "I've seen people shot before, but to see someone die on your watch when you're supposed to be protecting them and ensuring that they'll make it home to their families… I've never been there until Korea." She winced a little curling tighter, "When I got back I had to tell their families that they had died, that I had watched them get shot and killed and it was my fault. I don't think I've ever felt hate before like that, the way their families looked at me it made me feel like I had killed them myself. I can still see their eyes, their dead empty eyes." She shivered. After a moment or two she continued telling him about the torture she had received from Face's psycho ex then explaining the guilt she felt for what happened to him in Acapulco, and Face getting shot in Vegas.
Murdock listened to it all as though he were a sponge absorbing water. That was half the battle, knowing was a key on how to deal with things. Was it images, sounds, and smells, there were different techniques for suppressing things but that wasn't his plan. Suppressing things made them come out in nightmares and it didn't work for long.
When she had finished it felt like some of the weight was gone, lifted from her. Her chest felt less tight, she could breathe easier and slowly she relaxed and uncurled from herself and looked at him, "You're the only person who knows any of this. Face doesn't even know how all of this has gotten to me, he worries about enough I don't need to add my mental status to his plate so if you could keep this between us…"
"Doctor-patient confidentiality." Murdock said seriously, in an oddly nasal accent. "Don't worry - I would never go blabbin', that's just not what I do." he said, still serious but less stiff.
She smiled, "It's greatly appreciated. Though knowing him he probably suspects something is up, but unless he asks I'm keeping quiet." She looked the Captain over, "And you're right, talking helps. I feel like a weight has been lifted off me."
"Good." Murdock nodded. "Now, there's all sorts of expensive therapies you could go to. Dream control. Hypnosis. Trained suppression. But those things don't deal with the issues, they just try to lock 'em away and that doesn't work when you're unconscious unless you've had years of training. And even then it doesn't actually ease the stuff."
She nodded, "Yeah and all that stuff I don't have time for either. So what do you do? What's your method of dealing with shit like this?" She stretched her legs out, her arms folding as she leaned back, much more relaxed and at ease than she had been moments ago.
"It's kind of like manipulation, it's a form of dealing without pushing stuff aside, but without having to confront it with your hands empty." he pointed out. "See, when you've got memories in dreams, there's two kinds of events: negotiable and non-negotiable. In a nightmare, everything is a Non. What we do is start moving things slowly out of the Non category and into the negotiable stuff."
Murdock was becoming more than mere comic relief in her mind, he was becoming something she could rely on. Someone to trust, to talk to when she couldn't talk to anyone else. It was weird, she'd never pictured him in such a light but here he was offering her help a lifeline to deal with the dark chaos that had been her mind lately, "So replace the bad with the good basically?" She questioned.
"Yeah. Every time you get the dream, you change one little thing. One at a time. You can't change the biggest Nons - like the event why it happened in the first place, that's suppression and that doesn't work." he reasoned.
She pursed her lips, her features becoming full of focus and determination, "Alright." She would do this; she could do this, "I'm sure it's safe to assume this isn't going to be easy?" This conversation was explaining a lot to her about Murdock that no Doctor would ever get about the man, he had reasons for being like he was and she respected that immensely.
"Nope." he shook his head. "But it's easier than dealing with a lifetime of nightmares. Me, I got this old one from when I was a kid and the bullies beat me at school...now they're all wearing pink tutus and singing Three Little Maids From School Are We."
She laughed, "Nice." That was an amusing mental image, as she thought of the stereotypical school yard bully in a pink tutu, "This will help when I don't have… um, alternative coping mechanisms." She began to work on a list in her head of things she could replace the bad stuff with.
"It's surprisingly easy to put a dream on pause, too." Murdock suggested, glancing back at the fire. It had been a while, and it had died down a little, but it certainly was in no danger of going out.
"Really? Wait, I think I've heard of that… isn't it called lucid dreaming?" She sat forward, "You've really dealt with and seen a lot of bad things haven't you." Concern crossed her eyes as she looked at the Pilot.
He gave her a vague, sad little smile. If he told her what he still saw, the screaming nightmares that he could not change, she might go as crazy as him and that wouldn't do anyone any good.
She didn't want to know what he saw, she had enough to deal with and she hoped her own omissions didn't add to his. She shifted a little, "I need to walk around a bit." She decided and slowly slipped past him and climbed out of the plane and stood looking up at the sky, "I think it's starting to clear, I see stars." She commented, shivering slightly as her body registered the temperature difference between inside the plane and out of it.
"I'm going back to sleep for a bit. You wake me up when you're ready to drop off." Murdock nodded to her, closing the door behind her.
She stood there for a moment or two longer just staring up at the sky before moving and taking care of the fire. Once she was satisfied with how it looked she settled down next to it and wrapped some blankets around her again. She was going to be okay, she felt a little less lonely in the world now for lack of a better way to think about it. She felt lucky to know someone like Murdock and never planned on taking his friendship for granted ever.
He was woken up by light coming in through the plane's windows. Confused, he poked his head outside. "Sosa?" the fire was still going strong. "Sosa, where are you?"
She had gone off to take care of the call of nature and grab some more firewood. She emerged on the right of the plane from the forest and moved forward, "Right here. You okay?" She sat the branches down and moved closer to the plane.
"Oh there you are." he came down and looked up at the sky. "It's clearing, but we should wait to see if it clears up fully before we even think about leaving."
"Didn't mean to scare you." She nodded glancing up, "Yeah, no reason to get up there and just have to come right back down again. Next time I promise I'll check the weather reports before I call you for a lift." She joked a little.
Murdock grinned. "It's all right." he said, as he came bearing some more food to be cooked. His stomach growled. "Freak swirling snowstorms over the mountains? Happens more often than you'd think."
"Apparently." She chuckled and helped him with the food, "Well at least you got to have an adventure since you didn't get to go with the guys." She smiled at him, "And here's hoping they don't get back early and find you missing…" She hadn't thought of that until now and she wondered if it had crossed his mind at all.
"Nah, I still have this." he picked up his cell phone, which he'd just turned on. "I'm still getting a signal, even though it's weak. No missed calls. Check yours, maybe it's better."
She hadn't thought of that. She pulled out both of her cells and eyed them, "Go figure. The one Face got me gets better signal than my regular one. How messed up is that?" She said with laugh, shaking her head, "Nothing missed here either."
"Then I guess nobody loves us. Boo hoo." Murdock winked, offering her some kebab.
"Aww, I love you Murdock." She smiled, giving him a quick one armed hug before taking the kebab, "Thanks." As she ate she wondered idly if he could be considered what most would call a best friend, she had never really had one before. In truth she didn't have many friends or people she was extremely close to. Really all she had was Face and the other guys, well and her Father but he was just there anymore she couldn't talk to him or laugh with him.
"Aww, thanks, I love y'all too." Murdock squeezed her in return, eating his own. He grinned. "Hey listen, when we get to civilization, I'm gonna need to borrow Face's computer to get everything on my new iPod. Think we can distract him long enough?"
She laughed, "I think it can be arranged." She said with a smirk, "He won't let you use it regularly?" She arched a brow; maybe she could change the status quo concerning the laptop for the Pilot.
Murdock pouted. "Every time I try to open up the internet browser, it goes directly to a bunch of porn sites and I nearly have a heart attack."
She rolled her eyes shaking her head slowly before giving him a small dark and evil sort of look, "Well we'll have to see about fixing that little problem." Her tone meant business, "Or at least get you your own sign on anyways. Because unless I move to LA or he relocates to D.C. latter of which is not even possible then he's going to need his… addictions."
"I don't think it's that, if he wanted normal stuff he'd call you. It's all...nurses and French maids and...weird Japanese stuff that screamed at me until I shut the lid."
"Really." She cleared her throat, "I might have to have a little chit chat with him, though I'll try to use his computer and make it seem like I found it on my own so you don't get blamed for telling me." She had a look in her eyes that spelled trouble for the Lieutenant in capital letters.
Murdock shivered slightly and grinned. "Aww, that's mighty kind of you." he stretched, finishing his breakfast. Continually looking up at the sky, he walked a full circle around the plane and began a pre-flight inspection.
"Oh don't mention it." She stood and cleaned up the area little but waiting on putting the fire out until she was sure they were going to leave, "Plus I'll admit I've been looking for an excuse to play the wife card on him just to see how he reacts to it." She said with a mischievous grin, "How's it looking Captain?"
"Looking just fine, Captain." he shot back, smiling at her under a wing. "We'll be ready to go in an hour, if the weather continues to clear.
"Excellent." She gave him a small salute and kept the fire going then, adding to it a little before going over to the plane and beginning to help him get stuff back inside of it properly.
Murdock was folding all the blankets and keeping an eye on the sky. "I still need to return this plane later, but I don't have to go through the mountains again. Next time I'm borrowing a 747."
"Oh that will be interesting." She mused, "Flight control will just love you." It passed the time to get stuff put back into place, "I'll take care of the farmer, now that I'm back on the job again." She promised with a small smile, "Speaking of which, I may be calling on you a little more often when I want to come out this way so you might want to look into that 747 actually."
"I'll try and get a day job." Murdock joked as he settled into the pilot's seat and turned all the engines on. It thrummed to life around him, comfortable, settling into a low growling purr, like a barely-tamed tigress.
"I just can't picture you with a day job… what would you do?" She questioned as she made sure she was strapped in good, a little nervous but mostly hoping that they could get to L.A. now without any other hindrances.
"Fly." he spread his arms and flapped with a grin before holding the throttle. As he taxied and slowly sped up, he watched the sky open above them, clouds parting for the clear blue.
"I should've known that…" She shook her head, "Flying is your one true love isn't it." She asked with a small smile as the clouds seemed to just move out of the way for them as though he had some kind of rapport with them.
Murdock barely heard her. He was humming a little tune under his breath, already happy in his own little world.
"And love it seems
made flying dreams
to bring you home
to me."
Be sure to read the continuing adventures of the A-Team! In case you're wondering, the song is Kenny Loggin's Flying Dreams and can be found as part of the soundtrack for the movie The Secret of N.I.M.H.
