Author's note: Heya! This is probably my third time rewriting this story but I actually have a plan this time, so I know where I'm going. Thanks to everyone who has either added this story to their alerts or favourites! You have no idea how much it means to me! The next few chapters are already written by the way. So if you want more, please, please review!


oOo


Chapter Four: Dead Man's Dance

Cherbourg, France
10
th April 1912

"Bonjour mademoiselle, ça va?"

Another flirt. There were too many of them in France. I reckoned that was why we were leaving. He was getting jealous. His wife was what all those French boys' eyes lingered on, wondering if I was available to be courted. I never wore the wedding band on my finger because it had too many religious symbolisms. I was not married to him in the eyes of God, or any other divine being for that matter. Perhaps under Satan I was married. In the eyes of the evil, Satan would be a divine being. Of course, if we were leaving France simply because of his paranoia that I would leave him for a soft, supple and delicious human Frenchman, then I wondered why I married someone who barely knew me at all. I was tied to him because he could kill me so easily. I was clay in his all too capable hands.

"Va te faire foutre, je suis mariée," I muttered, feeling inconsiderably selfish and rude. The poor flirting French boy wrinkled his nose at me in disgust and waved an odd two fingered hand gesture in front of my face. I just grinned brightly at him as he moved along the busy docks. I suppose he did not deserve my swearing but I was really getting irritated with the flirting and the blunt questions.

Par exemple: "Voulez-vous coucher avec moi?"

If the world continued to become anymore blunt and minimal, I swore then and there that I would find a way to Mars. It seemed like a much more hospitable and easier life up there, on my own. No more awkward flirts, bloodlust or temptation. I could finally have the eternal peace I wanted. I shook my head at my inward thoughts. I was being silly. Eternal peace was the only thing I craved and I wanted more than anything to finally end my endless life. My attempts at suicide so far had failed.

Carlisle had proven a long time ago that jumping from a high cliff to rocky bottoms did not work. Waiting for wild animals to tear me to shreds also failed, as they were more scared of me than I was of them. So my thoughts had moved onto something more human. Man-made ship rudders ought to do the trick. They spun so fast and the size of the propellers on the ship before me was incredible. They ought to do more damage than the train disaster. Instead of the sheer force the train exerted on my body tearing me to pieces, the absolute preternatural resistance of my body completely shattered the train and the humans inside. Unfortunately, my bloodlust got the better of me that time because blood was spilt.

Oh well. If I really became desperate, I was sure that the Volturi would be more than happy to rip me apart and dance around the fire where they would burn me. As much as I wanted to die, I really was not going to give the Volturi that satisfaction.

"What are you thinking?" My husband asked me, curious to know my thoughts. My eyes were on the massive ship in front of me, and he probably thought that I was thinking some incomprehensible babble he took for granted that all women usually thought when they were awestruck. He was such a sexist, chauvinist, self absorbed pig.

However, just to make him feel like the master of the world he already thought he was, I replied, "Ughnaah."

Or something along those lines. It was a noise perhaps only grunted during sex, or drinking blood.

He smirked and nodded once; delighted that he had figured out my wonderfully uncomplicated feminine mind. If he were human, I would have had my scrawny little girl hands around his damned neck by now. However, because I was a beautiful immortal vampire, the fact that I had not ripped his throat out still remained a mystery to both Carlisle and Jasper.

I viewed James as a test. I had never fallen in love before and was trying to force myself to. Well, I believed I had not. I admired Jasper and we shared a sort of strange bond. Carlisle on the other hand, well, I had thrown myself at him many times. He failed to catch me. To him, I was still a little girl who was far too young to be changed into a vampire. He believed that he was my father-figure and he would never touch me in the way my heart yearned for because of that. Of course, sometimes he let his guard slip. He thought of me as a test God had put for him and that he had to resist me; similar to the way Jesus had resisted the devil for forty days and forty nights in the desert. However, I believed in no God or Satan. If he thought of me as a demon, I did not care. I would simply continue to try and make him love me until the end of time itself.

I shrugged. "It looks no different from the Mauritania," I mumbled. "Why can we not simply swim to New York? We could be there by Monday, not Wednesday!"

James shook his head, annoyed that I had finally come to comprehendible words. Why did he think that women were so damned stupid anyway? I thought about it for about half a second. There was no logical explanation. He was just a man with absolutely no respect for the 'weaker' sex. The thought made me feel morose but only for the other half of that second. James was James, and I was just going to have to accept it. I loved him, after all. Maybe.

"Oh Bella, you are so blatantly naïve. However do you live with yourself?" he laughed at his own mockery of me but I just ignored him, surveying the docks for Carlisle and Jasper. They had left me with James and his manservant Laurent while they found someone to put our luggage into our staterooms. I wanted to go with them but I was a lady and ladies do not handle anything heavier than a teaspoon. So I was stuck with my husband and his slave for the time being. After his melodramatic pause and sigh, he continued. "Titanic is so much larger than the Mauritania and much more luxurious. We are taking this ship for appearances sake only, darling. You do love flaunting yourself, don't you?"

I rolled my eyes. Appearances, appearances. I hated being flaunted around like a brand new doll but James loved the attention. He loved people – men especially – eyeing me as I walked by. He could slowly torture them afterward, saying things like, 'Do you want her?' or 'Do you want to feel her tight, wet…'

Ugh. I was not even going to finish that thought. If only vampires could vomit to get rid of uncomfortable stomach pains.

I was all curls and eyelashes, with lots of dresses and hats and gloves and make up. The most spoilt child in all of France. The most beautiful girl in all of France. People were so easily distracted, but not in the same sense as vampires were. Humans were distracted by shiny objects, beautiful people and nudity. Vampires were distracted by blood. Humans were just so easy. Everything about a vampire lured them in. If I stood out in the sunshine naked, a human would come running to me like I was a god because I fit exactly what distracted them. That was what I had learnt over my extended period of life about my prey.

"Appearances, James. Whenever have you been interested in what your food thinks of you?"

I turned around and grinned at Jasper. His velvet smooth Texan drawl slid in as gently as a caress through one ear before gliding swiftly out the other. Sometimes I could simply not understand him when he spoke because the sound of his voice was just so beautiful and relaxing. I could honestly just cuddle up against him and listen to him speak for the rest of forever. It would be like dreaming. I guessed that the sheer beauty of his voice and the calming effect of it came from his utterly wonderful gift. He could feel and influence the emotions around him. Honestly, it was so wonderful the first time I kissed him. The bliss I felt was only doubled because I could feel it radiating out of him, and I could imagine that he could feel my bliss too. It made me happy, knowing that he enjoyed kissing me as much as I enjoyed kissing him.

I thought then that perhaps I should give Carlisle a break. Maybe Jasper would be easier to make love me the way I wanted for the rest of forever. I did make him after all. He was mine.

James, however, was not mine. I had known him for a long time, longer than I had known Carlisle. I stumbled across him one day, when I was wrecking havoc on a village just north of London. He smelt the blood and came for his share. We destroyed that village together, but he had only started travelling with us recently. He had asked me to marry him only a decade ago and rather stupidly, I said yes. I was afraid that I would be alone, romantically, for the rest of forever. I did not want to be chasing after two men that would not look at me twice forever. I would much rather chase them behind the scenes, but while on stage, James was my mate.

"Whenever have you been interested in me being interested in what my food thinks of me?" James retorted, his stare the poster for the quote 'if looks could kill'. "Without a doubt, Mr. Whitlock, if you were human as of right now, you would be very much dead."

Translation: 'What the fuck Jasper! You are making me look like a damned idiot in front my girl! Christ, the way you look at Bella makes me want to eat you!'

I swear James just got lusty from watching other men's lust filled stares in my direction. I honestly would not be surprised right now if he turned to me right now and admitted that he was homosexual. Honestly, I would not.

Jasper wrapped his arm around my waist, leading me away from my husband and his peon. It was almost like he could read my mind. I wondered then if he had another gift too. I doubted it. He could read my emotions, and sense the utter dislike I felt towards James. I was glad he was leading me away. James should have been too. I could hear him, rambling onto Laurent about a gift he had bought me for our anniversary. Another trinket. I sighed. I had so much jewelry. I practically had enough crystals that I could cover up my whole body in them and step out into the sunlight. People would just think of me as a fool for wearing so much ostentatious jewelry.

I fixed my hat as we waited in the line of first class people, and I began idly picking what I wanted to eat; similar to the way of picking from a menu presented to you. Of course, James would probably have my throat for eating from first class so I would probably end up going down under to eat from third, or maybe even second class. The third class passengers would not be as easy to trace as those from first class…

"Oh do stop it, Bella," Jasper chuckled and swatted my hat from my head. I scowled at him as I grabbed it at an unnatural speed and shoved it back on my head. "You are making me thirsty."

I laughed lightly. "Well unfortunately this ship is lacking in rats." I paused and gasped in mock horror, covering my mouth with my gloved hand. "You and Carlisle might even have to share!"

Jasper's small, effortless smile contorted into a hard line at my words. Neither he nor Carlisle had any sense of humor when it came to blood related jokes. James and I preferred human blood to animal blood, but that was probably the only thing we had in common. I wondered then where Carlisle was. He was probably still in our stateroom sorting out what we needed out and what should stay packed. Jasper must have only disembarked from the ship to get James, Laurent and I.

"Come, come Bella Ballerina," Jasper whispered into my ear and nudged me forward. "A new world awaits us."


"This is the private promenade deck you requested sir," the servant explained to James and gestured around the spacious room. "Will you be requiring anything?"

James shook his head, his eyes trying to defocus from the pulsing blood vessel visible in his neck due to the servant's collar being too tight. The crew were completely off limits. They were far too conspicuous. Even James agreed. He gestured for the manservant to leave, and he did, scooting between the unmoving statue that was Jasper and the doorframe.

"This is where I will dance," I said with a grin before twirling elegantly into James' arms, trying to distract him from stalking after the poor man. He touched my shoulders, unfazed by my graceful movement. He hated dancing. He saw little point to rhythmic movement and did not really care much for my passion and hobby. He was much more interested in drunken blood, cigars, sex and tracking. No one ever wanted to get on his bad side, because he could find them in an instant. All except me. That was why he found me so interesting, when he first met me. He could not track me because of my mental shield but could not even pick up my scent whenever my physical shield was working.

James spun me around. He crushed his lips against mine, and I felt his hands grope me roughly like I was not worth honoring or touching delicately. He touched me like I was common filth; a whore. But I kissed him back anyway. I felt his wanton hunger. I felt his voluptuous lust. My fingers tangled in his hair, pressing his face harder against mine. I could feel his uneven breathing at the back of my throat. His hips grinded against mine and his big hands kneaded my almost-breasts, sending me into a frenzy. I could not do this now. Not with Jasper baring witness to our ungodly acts.

I pulled away from James, and thankfully he took the hint. He did not like the thought of Jasper watching us either, though that thought could probably be debated. Jasper was a man, and James was a man who liked to make other men jealous. Therefore, in conclusion, he probably would 'make love' to me in front of anyone, including Jasper, just to make them jealous.

Jasper was still standing in the doorway, gazing at the land that slowly disappearing over the horizon. Goodbye France. I was going to miss all of those naughty French boys. They were such brilliant dancers too. However, whenever I danced with a human I danced a special dance that I had choreographed myself. I called it the 'Dead Man's Dance'. I called it this because the unlucky human who danced with me usually ended up dead.

James pushed passed him as he walked out onto the deck. I followed him but stopped next to Jasper. I watched James walk down the deck before making a sharp right turn, heading for the cabins. I hoped that Carlisle was not in our stateroom. He was about to get an earful about what an ungrateful little bitch I was and could not even have the decency to relieve him of his painful lust. Was that not what a wife was for? To care for her husband when he was in need? Oh well. I was never a traditional girl, probably because I could remember no traditions of my human life anyway.

"Sometimes I wonder why you chose him," Jasper muttered, clearly disgusted by James' openly frowned upon behavior.

"I wonder the same thing, sometimes," I admitted and bit down on my lower lip. I should not have said that. He probably would have heard and then decide to rip my throat out later. Honestly, the only thing holding me to James was fear. And perhaps something else, something humans recognized as love. But I was not human. Perhaps love was a stronger emotion for humans that it was for vampires. Maybe. I would not know.

I walked back into the room and placed one of my phonograph cylinders into the provided phonograph. The song began to play. The rhythm was somewhat slow, but it was sometimes hard to decipher a dance routine by simply listening to a piece of music. Jasper had bought me this cylinder and he was going to teach me how to Tango.

"Come," I said to Jasper and held my arms open for him. "You have to teach me this dance."

He chuckled and before I knew it, we were spinning around the room, my feet on top of his. We were perfectly in time with the music. It felt like a dream, as always. Dancing for me, in many ways, was a dream. Jasper had used his unique gift to change the mood of the atmosphere. I felt happy. I no longer cared about where James was, or anything of the sort. I had no worries when I danced. There was only the music, Jasper and I, floating as if we were on a cloud. Floating on a cloud, with sharp turns and complicated head movements. He repeated everything twice before he let me try by myself. I held my arms out as if I was holding onto a partner. I moved my feet like he told me to, moving swiftly around the room until coming to a sudden, dramatic stop and then continuing, twirling fluidly. Jasper stood by the phonograph, smiling and nodding, or frowning and shaking his head when I got it wrong. He knew the dance off by heart and he helped me fix my posture and hold my arms correctly.

I was learning to love this dance. I loved the emotion portrayed through it. Rushing around the room, feet moving in a complex pattern whilst twirling. Such a vast range of movements expected in this dance. It portrayed anger and happiness and love, and a thousand other emotions without the use of words. Actions spoke so much louder than words, but dancing… even actions could not portray the emotions that dancing could show.


Present Day
2
nd January 2011
Forks, Washington

I stared at the sketch on the next page. The drawing was of Jasper's expression when I tripped over my own feet. Vampires rarely made little humane flaws like that, but I found when one is really in tune with their emotion, and emotion really was what defined humanity, that it could happen. Little human errors and tendencies sometimes slipped to the surface, through the thick barrier of instinct and bloodlust. That was why I danced. I could finally feel like that human girl twirling indulgingly with a boy of whom I could not even remember the name of. The Cullens watched me intently, waiting patiently for more. I looked up from the journal and glanced at the clock. I sighed, closing the book and returned the attentive stares that were thrown in my direction.

"What happens next?" Alice asked, practically bouncing on her seat in excitement.

Carlisle and I had come to the agreement that if I told the story of how I met Edward, he would tell me how Edward still lived now. I was really only doing this for Edward's sake. He deserved to know the truth, not the lies Carlisle and Jasper had filled his head with in the past ninety-nine years.

"It is five to nine," I noted, looking pointedly at the grandfather clock. "Carlisle mentioned you would be going hunting at nine."

"Hunting can wait," Edward replied. "I appreciate to learn of my past sooner rather than later."

I growled. The Cullens shied away almost reflexively, like they did not want a fight. That was strange. Any time I had growled at a vampire, they were always itching for the chance to fight me. To try and finally kill me. I was a world champion in living forever, and many vampires wanted my title. They wanted me to fall and burn at their feet. They wanted the title of the one who ended the girl that almost lived forever.

"Unless, you would like me to slaughter this so called town then please, with all due respect, guide me to Seattle."

"As you wish, Bella." Alice smiled at me and took my hand in hers. Even though she was physically older than me, her hands were smaller, almost like a little girl's. Her skin was paler than mine, but then again, they survived on animal blood. Vegetarian's skin always seemed somewhat paler than other vampires. "It is not your fault." I nodded and smiled at her timidly. Her compassion was incredible. Carlisle was really rubbing off on this family. I could practically see him in Alice's darkening eyes. She leaned forward and placed a gentle kiss on my cheek.

"Alright then." Carlisle stood up. "We're hunting in Goat Rocks Wilderness. The population of grizzly bears around that area has rapidly grown recently."

"Yes!" Emmett punched his fist up into the air in excitement. They chuckled as they stood up, all except Edward who had groaned and brushed his hand through his already wild sex hair. I wondered what it would look like if I… No. He was not mine anymore. I was only going to tell a story and not get my hopes up. Human Edward and vampire Edward could be two completely different creatures. But perhaps, if I could simply rekindle those memories… relight those emotions… then maybe. Just maybe.

Ugh. So much for not getting my hopes up.

I stared at the family in amazement. They just seemed so natural and carefree, almost like humans. They were not tense, they fidgeted and blinked and scratched, out of habit perhaps? And they got excited over what they were having for dinner. They were a family. I wanted a family but if I gave myself a family I would just get them killed, especially now, seeming that the Volturi had remembered that they needed to try and kill me again, after a three centuries. Goodness knows what wild method they were going to use to capture me this time.

They went in different directions, talking of hunting techniques. Edward was about to climb the stairs but turned and glanced at me. He walked over and sat on the sofa next to me. He touched my hair, fixing a stray lock that had escaped from behind my ear. Why was he touching me? He touched me so delicately, like he was scared to break me. He touched me like I was something he did not want to damage. Almost like I was too valuable to hold too roughly in case I shattered. That was the way I yearned for James to touch me. But James had seen the brutal extent of the damage I could cause. He knew I was not some child that could be taken lightly. I was a ruthless, bloodthirsty killer who had lived too long.

"I can't read you," he told me.

"What do you mean?" I asked him, a little confounded. Was I right? Could he really hear the thoughts of others, like they were speaking but things that they would never say aloud? Did he know the secrets of every being around him, secrets that even he did not wish to know?

"I can read the thoughts of others… I hear them, like someone is speaking."

I smiled. "I had that theory. You were always wondering what everyone was thinking. You could read facial expression and hand gestures. You were so sensitive to their thoughts."

"Why can't I read you?"

"You could never read me." I sighed. "My words, my expressions and gestures… they were foreign, they confused you. I have a gift myself, Edward. I am sure you heard me speak of it earlier, even though you were upstairs."

He watched my eyes for a moment. "It strange though… It's like you're…"

"Empty," we said simultaneously.

He stared at me for a moment, perplexed. I giggled; something I had done in almost a century.

"You told me that before as well."

He raised his hand brushed his knuckles across my cheek, so softly. My skin reacted; tingling like I had been burned but I felt no pain. It was different this time. His skin was not soft and supple and smouldering. I could not feel the beads of moisture that covered each of his skin cells. I would not be able to taste the salt on his skin if I kissed his fingertips. I would not be able to feel the pulse of blood under his skin. He was the same temperature as me now, warm but not burning. His skin was hard and smooth, and would never sweat like it used to. I would not be able to make his lungs need to pull in more oxygen because he simply did not need it anymore. He sighed, dropping his hand to his lap.

"I'm trying to place you in my memories, Bella," he admitted in a strained whisper. "I know you are in there somewhere. I know your face, I know I do. It just doesn't seem to fit anywhere."

His expression was contorted, his eyes squinting to try and see past the veil that covered his lost human memories. He was paining himself by trying to place me somewhere. I was a mutated puzzle piece that belonged in his memories. "I belong in your human memories," I told him and I laid one of my fingers onto his palm. I drew circles on it with my finger, my feather like touch burning the supersensitive nerves in his palm. "But seeming your human memories are lies… you cannot place me."

He nodded once, half understanding. "Why did they lie to me?"

I froze. I knew exactly why they had lied to him. He was never meant to be. I left him to die. Because… I had no choice. He was dead no matter what I chose. I watched his eyes. Those dark golden eyes burned for more knowledge from the one person that he could not read.

"Edward," I said his name slowly, my lips pronouncing the two syllables of his names perfectly. My eyes met his, mine burning with an emotion my mind had yet to recognize. "You must understand that I left you to die. I never knew of your existence until merely an hour ago. I do understand why they lied to you, but I'm afraid I cannot tell you why they lied to you until I have finished my story."

His eyes narrowed and he snatched his hand away. Before I knew it, he was gone. But this time, and I took a great deal of comfort in that I knew I would see him again.