Chapter 4: Awakenings.

Through the darkness, Ness could hear the soft breathing of Bella and Edward and Jacobs's deeper huffs coming from the tiny sofa. The cheap sofa creaked as he turned in a vain attempt to get comfortable.

It was almost twenty minutes of listening to him toss and turn before she rose from her bed and padded over to him. She whispered into the darkness, "Jacob. Do you want to swap? You sound so uncomfortable."

"No, it's okay. You wouldn't fit much better anyway."

"Well… why don't you sleep with me then?"

"Um…?"

She could hear the misunderstanding in his voice. "I mean, like, head to toe, or something."

"Oh! Oh. Okay? Are you sure?"

"Yeah, it'll be like a slumber party!" she giggled, mockingly.

"No pillow fights?"

"Only if you kick me!"

"I hope your feet don't smell."

"Right back at ya." The smile trickled into her voice through the darkness as she slipped back onto her pillow. He climbed into her bed, lying up-side-down, both shuffling until they found an agreeable spot.

"This is weird," she whispered as they both settled in to the small bed.

"Ssssh, don't think about it. I need my beauty sleep, remember?"

Closing his eyes, he felt the comfort of the mattress and allowed himself to relax. She listened to the rhythm of his slumbered breathing as she lulled herself into sleep.

.oOoOoOo.

Renesmee woke to the quiet sounds of the morning. Looking at the poster on her wall from the wrong angle, she was disorientated for a moment. Her awareness focused to the heavy weight across her ribs. She felt a warm breath on her neck and a strong, broad bare chest behind her, her pillow was the hard bicep of a man.

The panic began to rise as she realized where she was… in his arms… She let herself appreciate the line of his physique before once again stopping herself. Don't go there, Red Robin, don't go there! she said, wordlessly, to herself.

She gently attempted to lift his arm off her until he began to stirred in his sleep and pulled her closer in.

"Shit" she mouthed as the front door to the dorm clicked open. It was Bella, Renesmee guessed she was back from seeing Edward off from his pre-dawn flight. The two girl's eyes met as Bella caught sight of Renesmee and Jacob embraced in bed.

"Renesmee? Jacob!" Bella squawked, disbelief oozing from her.

Renesmee could only imagine what it looked like to Bella.

In a sleep woken blur, Jacob bolted upright, rolling out of bed, pulling Renesmee out with him. His feet knocked the bedside table as he rolled onto the floor, landing on his back with a thump. She followed; hair, blanket, arms and legs all a tangled mess.

She landed on top of him, face to face, the wind knocked out of her.

"Bella!" His voice lifted into a guilty falsetto.

"Hi Jake." Her tone was questioning.

Merely glancing at the girl on top of him, Jake pushed Renesmee off and jumped to standing. He rushed over to the couch, scrambling to pull his shirt on.

Bella stood tall, her hand pressed roughly to her hip. "I didn't think you were coming till later today? When did you get in? Why are you sleeping with my roommate?"

"Um, I didn't sleep with her. Well, I slept with her, but with clothes on, and head to toe."

"That didn't look head to toe and there's not many clothes on either," she accused, looking between Jacob and Renesmee.

Resentment rose in Renesmee. What was it to Bella anyway? She had been busy with Edward. Red Robin had simply talked and had dinner with her friend in Bella's absence.

"Ahh…" he hesitated, reaching his strong arm up to rub the back of his neck. "I wanted to surprise you… so… I came up early. But you were… you were… busy."

Understanding flashed across Bella's face. Her tell-tale blush was scarlet on her skin. "Oh," she gasped, her fingers reaching to cover her mouth. Jacob also reddened underneath his tanned skin.

"You had the scarf on the door," Renesmee explained. "I took Jacob along for a little campus tour. That's all. And we had dinner. And then it was really late when we got back…" Renesmee's voice trailed off.

Jake thought about the evening he'd shared with Renesmee. His eyes met her's briefly, the two shared a look that shouted the same thing— They'd basically been on a date.

Jake could practically hear the cogs ticking over in Bella's head. Her eyes narrowed as she looked between her two friends. Jacob could see the moment Bella came to the conclusion he'd hoped to avoid. He'd basically been on a date with Bella's roommate. Not that Renesmee dated, she didn't have time for boys.

"I gotta go wiz," he muttered, almost running out of the room. He'd basically been on a date with Bella's roommate, and he'd liked it.

Both women's eyes followed him as he scurried out the door.

As soon as Jacob's footfalls faded up the hall, Bella turned to Renesmee. "So you've met my Jacob?" It was more an accusation than a statement.

My Jacob? Bella had always sworn he was just a friend to her. That he'd wanted more, but she loved Edward too much to consider Jacob more than just a friend. Maybe he was a friend… a friend— with benefits. She was certainly acting like a jealous lover.

"So… he seems really nice, Bella. Relaxed. Self-assured." A hot, native Adonis. Red Robin scolded herself, she was too focused for boys. Even hot native Adonis's with washboard abs.

"I call him my own personal sun," Bella smiled.

Renesmee reeled herself in, breathing slowly and settling the fluttering in her chest. "Yeah. I get that." Renesmee thought about Jake, she could see how he could make someone happy just by being around him.

She'd honestly thought she'd have a horrible night's sleep having to share a twin with such a giant guy, but apart from the abrupt toss onto the floor, she'd woken in a peaceful bliss.

Renesmee bent over her side table, straightening a picture frame, then her alarm clock. It took a moment until the little red lights finally reached her comprehension.

It was 08:40…

"Shit!" she shrieked, racing to dress. She stripped off her PJ's. With her back to Bella, she fumbled to get on a bra and then the jeans she wore last night. "Crap, crap, crap. I'm never gunna get there on time."

Jacob's eyes nearly bugged out of his head as he re-entered the dorm room. Renesmee was bending over in nothing but a bra and simple white underpants, trying to slip into some dark skinny jeans. Her long lean legs were sinewy and firm as she tugged on the denim.

His eyes followed her generous breasts as she bounced up and down in her white cotton bra. Her long auburn hair fell in ringlets over her shoulders until the curls nestled into her waist.

With their backs still to the door, neither girl realized Jake had returned. "Relax Ren. I'll drive you," Bella chuckled.

"Oh, can you?" she asked, gratitude radiating out. She looked up to Bella to also see Jacob standing in the doorway. He was staring at her, or maybe just her tits. His eyes were wider than the Grand Canyon, with a silly little grin plastered across his face.

Renesmee squealed, dashing behind the wardrobe door. "God Jacob! Did you have to just stand there and look?"

"Um… Sorry, Renesmee. I only saw a bit. I mean… I didn't see anything bad. I mean… It's not like its bad to look at. I mean…I wasn't looking for very long." Finally, he paused, at a loss for what to say. She must have thought he was such a perv, always thinking with his dick. She was probably right… but he wasn't a perv. Not really. "Sorry."

"Just turn around, okay?"

He turned and Bella came to stand by him. She looked at him with probing eyes. He shrugged at her and mouthed sorry with a pleading look.

He searched into her chocolate eyes, into the soul of his best friend. The girl that he was madly in love with… or was he? He felt that familiar knot in his chest. Only now the eyes he was thinking about were an emerald green.

Renesmee scrambled to find a clean t-shirt, swinging it on in record speed. Lying on the floor, she looked under her bed and wildly reached for her shoes. She was mortified. How had she ended up spooning Jacob? And then jumping up and down half dressed in front of him?

Jacob and Bella were tossing around ideas for their plans for the day as Renesmee hurried to get ready to leave. He watched her wind her long hair into a messy bun.

"We can hang out here or catch a movie," said Bella.

Renesmee quickly piped in, "Can you take me to my lesson first? It's only a few blocks from the theatre. And I'll just ride home if you can fit my bike in the tray too?"

"Yeah sure. We'll just have to squish the three of us in the front."

Less than five minutes later they piled into Bella's Chevy truck, Bella at the wheel.

Jacob opened the other door and waved Renesmee into the center. Jake clambered in next to Renesmee, and off they went. Three peas in a pod. Renesmee made room for Bella to shift gears causing her to press closer to Jacob. With bodies touching, skin alight and pulses racing, they bounced along 25th on their way to Northeast Seattle.

The journey to Renesmee's lesson lasted about six minutes but it felt like a life time for Jacob. He was acutely aware of Renesmee's thigh pushed against his. Their arms were pressed parallel to one another.

She had felt it too. It was like a current of electricity ran through their bodies, arcing across their points of contact. It made it hard to concentrate.

Desperate to break the silence, Jacob started to make small talk. "So, what's the lesson on today, Miss Over-achiever?" He half turned to her in the confines of the cabin.

"Um, Cello. I teach a few elementary students on the weekends I'm free and after school. You know, as a tutor."

Bella chimed in, excited to show her friend off. "She's so good. You should hear her play, Jake. And she's fast, I mean, really fast when she hurdles. And she does that funny running air thing at long jump too. I mean, she's really good at track and field."

Renesmee looked down to her lap, her cheeks flaming. "Okay Bella, he gets the picture. No need for the cheer squad."

Jake looked her over, "Oh, I don't know. It might be good to have a cheer squad. Maybe I could join it, I could be the head cheerer." His eyes met with Renesmee's, the unsaid question in his eyes.

He'd so very quickly been captivated by her. His long held, unrequited feelings for Bella now seemed trite and insignificant. Renesmee's eyes bore back into his, challenging him to move closer and cautioning him not to; both at the same time.

The truck broke hard and they both turned to face the front, their eyes fixated on the road. Jacob shifted his hand, only an inch. His little finger gliding over hers. They both felt the heat from one another.

Jake questioned what he was about to do. Make a move, here, in front of Bella. A part of him would always love Bella, but she was never going to love him the way he wanted her to. His heart was racing sitting this close to Renesmee. She smelt beautiful. He wanted to touch her skin… just a little. She was so beautiful. Did she want him to touch her? Or was she telling him no? He couldn't tell. All he knew was that he wanted to know this girl. Really know her on the inside. He wanted to know her secrets. He wanted her to want to tell him. He wanted her to let him in. He had to find out if she liked him. He had to try at least.

He coiled his pinkie around hers.

Renesmee's heart raced, her breath hitched in her chest. Without a second thought she coiled her finger back around his, feeling the warm roughness of his skin. She turned to watch her roommate, acutely aware that they weren't alone. Bella was happily humming along to the radio, attentive to the road; oblivious to the finger-play going on next to her.

Renesmee let a small smile spread across her face. He was holding her hand, sort of. This beautiful man-boy was touching her… on purpose. Did he want to be her boyfriend? Maybe she could go see a movie with them. She'd let him touch more than her little finger. She daydreamed about having a boyfriend. Flowers. Kisses. Secrets now one else knows. She could tell Jake her secrets. She really could. She wanted to tell him. She wanted him to know her. The real her. She wanted him.

Jacob's eyes drifted to their entwined fingers. Her skin was so soft. He wondered how long her lesson was. He could take her to a movie after. The three of them could go. He'd make sure he sat next to her. He could hold her hand. He wanted to get her alone. His eyes shifted up her long arm , across her heaving chest as her breathing sped up. Her breasts were pressing against her t-shirt. Jake knew they'd be soft like her hand. He wanted to touch them. He wanted to kiss her.

Renesmee leaned her shoulder onto him. Her head angling to his. She lifted her gaze up until they were staring into each other's eyes. That spark was still surging between them. Their stare was burning and intense. His gaze drifted across her features; Her green emerald eyes; her soft pink lips; the flush of her cheeks; Her glossy auburn hair as it came to a bundled heap on top of her head; Her skin was clear and bright with a fine sprinkling of freckles across her nose. She was beautiful. He had to know this woman. In every way.

Renesmee saw the desire burning in his eyes. She felt it too… until the raw emotions stirred up the panic she generally kept tightly reined in. She couldn't do this! Dates. Movies. With what time? How would this get her up and out? She wasn't going to fall into the same traps her mother had. She wasn't going to be like her.

He saw how her eyes changed from burning, to hesitation, to distant, all in a few seconds. Her eyes turned glassy, the tears welling as she mouthed 'Ican't,' as her head shook no with rejection. She moved her body away from his, an infinitesimal gap between them. It felt like miles. She uncoiled her finger from his and she placed her hands carefully in her lap.

"Is it this house or the one with the hedge?" asked Bella, unknowingly breaking them out of their private exchange.

Renesmee gulped in a breath looking around to the outside world that had been forgotten. She'd lost her bearings. "Um, the one with the hedge," she replied.

Pulling up, she turned to undo her seatbelt. Jacob placed his hands on hers. "I'll do it," he whispered. The warmth of his hand scorched her skin as he reached between them, unclipping both their belts. He slid out and then turned to reach back into the cabin to take her hand and help her out. He looked into her eyes. Searching for a glimpse of what it was that she wanted. She wasn't sure herself. He squeezed her hand, silently communicating that he knew she'd felt it. He wanted her to just try, to feel it, to trust him.

"How long is your lesson?" he asked, hopeful and confused by her sudden rejection. "Maybe we could wait and catch the movie with you?"

"Um. An hour. But, I have an assignment to get done, then training, so I can't," she lied. "It's fine, you two have some BFF time." He saw through the perfect smile pasted across her face. She leant back into the cabin, "Thanks for the lift, Bella."

"No worries!" Bella called. "Are you sure you don't want to see a movie with us? We can wait."

Inside Red wanted to scream, Yes. Yes. Yes. She wanted to. She wanted him to wait for her. She wanted to share a soda straw with him. She wanted to share everything with him… But she couldn't.

Renesmee knew she wanted to date, one day. After college. After training. When she had a successful career, a good home, and money to spare. Then she could find a nice man who adored her and they could live happily ever after. Not now though. Not now.

Jacob was about three years too early. Sorrow welled up in her.

She answered Bella, "Yeah, I'm sure. I'm too busy for movies. You know how it is," she smiled. She tried, but the smile never reached her eyes. He saw the effort.

Renesmee looked up at him. The sorrow and pleading in her eyes almost broke him.

"I'm sorry, Jacob," she whispered. Her sweet face warping into the pain she always held inside. It was so hard to say goodbye. She knew she really did like him. But she couldn't. She didn't need the distraction. What she needed was to just go to the dam lesson. She needed to say good bye and she needed to walk away.

"Bye," she called to Bella.

"Bye. See you at dinner?" Bella asked, leaning across the seats as she lifted her phone checking her messages.

"Yeah. Okay. It's lasagne night at the cafe," Ren confirmed. Her green eyes flicked to Jacob's. "Bye," she whispered to him, turning, almost running into the safety of the house with the hedge.

His body was screaming not to let her go as he watched her almost run to the house. Desperate to find a way to keep her close, his eyes searched manically around the truck.

She could feel him staring at her. She could practically see the unbelieving and shattered look on his face as she fled.

She recited to herself, keepwalking,teachthedamlesson,thenridehome. Ride… on her bike… which was still in the back of the truck.

She could hear the tray already opening as she turned around. Jacob was lifting her mountain bike off. He started wheeling it towards her. "You forgot something," he called as he approached.

"Thanks, it would have been a long walk home without it."

Jake shrugged, shaking his head. "I would have just waited for you." He thought he might just wait for her any way.

"You don't need to wait for me, Jacob," she warned. "Go and have fun. I can find my own way. I've been on my own for a while. I can look after myself." Her tone was sharper than she had intended.

"I'm sure you can," he replied. "I just thought we could hang out. I'd like to get to know you more. I think we could have something here." He looked down to her, his lips parted as he delicately moistened them with the tip of his tongue. "You can feel it. Can't you?" She felt her own lips part as he hedged his face closer to hers. "Let's just try, and see where it takes us."

She studied his face. She saw the open, honest, raw hope he held. She knew what he was asking. She knew she wanted to say yes. She knew she would say no anyway.

He saw the shift in her eyes, the hard resolve setting in the beautiful jade orbs. He knew her answer before she spoke. He stood up straight, shoulders firm, refusing to let her see how her rejection affected him.

She looked down at her shoes, breaking the intense eye contact, "I can't, Jacob." She breathed in deeply then let out a tired sigh. "I just can't. I can't split myself in to any more pieces."

He glared at her, still feeling the sting of her rejection. A reflex emotion of anger surfaced. He wasn't going to torment himself any more today. She was kidding herself, shut off from emotions and any chance of finding something special.

"Whatever." He pushed the handles of the bike towards her, "Here."

She placed her hands onto his, across the handle bars, her palms covering his knuckles. They were warm and dry. His touch made her chest ache. She reached an arm out to him, gently placing a hand on his muscled shoulder. "Jake, when I do things, I always give it my everything. If I can't do it one hundred percent... I don't do it." She looked up into his eyes, a stray piece of hair falling across his face, she absently tucked it back behind his ear. "No matter how much I want to."

Snatching his hand out from under hers, he barked, "Whatever Renesmee. Good luck with whatever life you've got planned for yourself. I hope it's worth it." He turned and stamped back to the truck, leaving her standing alone on the path.

Why did it hurt so much? She barely even knew the guy. It hadn't even been twenty-four hours and already her focus was all messed up.

She decided that the daydream was over. Back to reality. Back to work.

She turned, heading toward the house to give the lesson.

She reached a finger to press the door bell, taking a settling breath. "Stop feeling sorry for yourself Rouge-gorge."

..

Renesmee never made it to dinner with Bella and Jake that evening. She couldn't bring herself to see him again. She knew it would hurt too much to see him and not let his hand touch hers at it had earlier. So instead of lasagna night at Orrin's cafe, she trained. She pushed herself to the point of retching. She wasn't sure if it was from the physical exertion or from the emptiness her heart had felt all day. Probably both.

She snuck into the dorm after the lights were out to find Bella asleep on the couch. She tiptoed in, to find a simple single flower sitting on her pillow, a white camellia. Renesmee picked it up and twirled it around her fingers as she looked around the room. She brought it to her nose to smell it only to find it lacking in any kind of sweet scent in comparison to the boldness of the petals. Moving over to her desk, she placed the flower carefully between the pages of one of her text books. She turned as a shuffling sound came from across the room, to where Jacob lay in Bella's bed. Her bedside lamp cast a golden glow over his handsome, sleeping face. Renesmee's breath hitched as she realized she'd probably never see Jacob ever again after tonight. Renesmee stood, watching the sleeping man from across the room. Memorizing his features and stuffing the longing as it bubbled up, back into the vault she had fortified inside her heart.

The next morning Renesmee woke before the other two. She snuck out with her cello and set up on a bench across from the building. She played with her eyes shut, just like her Grand'Mere always had. She played until her fingers hurt, as silent tear's, once again, streamed down her cheeks. She cried for the childhood she'd hope for, her mother, her father, her Grand'Mere… for Jacob. She cried for herself.

Renesmee knew he would be leaving later that morning. She sat out in the fenced courtyard, the one that overlooked the car park. Red Robin sat out in the October sunshine, watching his car through the slots in the palings. She waited until she could see him and Bella walk to his car. She waited for her roommate to say good bye to him with an innocent, chaste hug. She waited until he had left.

Jacob opened his eyes as her bedside lamp clicked off. He searched in the shadows of her outline as she lay huddled on her bed. Even in the darkness and with her body under the covers, he greedily watched her as much as he could. He lay on his side watching her out lines and listening to her breath. As he watched, soon her shoulders started to shake and he listened as she began to sob quietly into her pillow. Confused, and stopping himself from going over to hold her, he instead, lay soundlessly, watching her cry from across the room until her breathing stilled and she seemed to fall asleep.

The next morning, he woke to see her tiptoeing out the dorm room door. Jacob softly followed her out and stood at the window at the end of the hall, looking out as the sun rose over the campus. He watched as she sat down across the street. She played for a while, soft sorrowful music flowed up to the second floor until her fingers seemed to be too sore to go on. She turned her instrument to lie on its side, before lifting her knees up onto the chair as she wrapped her arms around herself and once again, began to sob into her arms.

He shared a quiet breakfast with Bella, Renesmee had still not returned. Jacob said his farewells and he drove away without saying good bye.

As Jacob drove away, he couldn't decide if he was angry, relieved, or heartbroken from Renesmee's absence from his last night in town. He'd spend a lot of the afternoon thinking about things. He come to several conclusions as he'd watched her crying earlier in night and then later that morning. He was decided that she was damaged, maybe not irrevocably, but damaged, nonetheless. By what, he still had no clue. Either way, he decided that she wasn't his problem to fix. As much as he wanted to. As much as she probably needed him to. She'd been very clear. He wasn't going to keep chasing after her only to be rejected time and time again.

He'd also concluded, as he had sat with Bella, impatiently, waiting to see if Renesmee would show up for dinner the night before, that he'd had enough of chasing after Bella too. He's budding, yet once again, unrequited feelings for Renesmee had shown him just how much time he'd wasted on a girl who wasn't interested.

Although they'd never actually talked about it, Jake knew Bella would never love him the way he'd once hoped. She'd always held him at an arm's length. He'd never be able to compete with Cullen, he'd decided, on that day, that he didn't want to anymore.

And even though his head and his heart weren't fully in agreeance, Jake decided he'd do as Renesmee had asked. He'd leave her alone. He wouldn't push her to explore the feelings he knew she'd felt for him when they'd been together. Even if her eyes had betrayed her true feelings as she'd told him she couldn't, Jake was going to walk away.

He wasn't going to waist his time on girls that didn't want what he had to offer. And he had a lot of love to offer.

As he drove away from the city of Seattle, he made sure he left his obsession with Bella behind. And he pushed Renesmee out of his mind. At least he tried to. As he drove past the town she'd said she called home, her tears in the darkness and the glimpse of hope and of pain in her eyes, was all he could think about.

.

From the day Jake had driven away, the semester dragged on for Renesmee. To numb herself from the conflicting feeling she had, she dived head first into her studies. She trained more than ever. If she wasn't at the library, she was either at the gym, the track, or running around the campus.

The small amount of joy she'd found in life had been snuffed out on the eddies of Jake's departure, on the cutting untruths of her words to him as she'd told him, no.

She quit the orchestra. She hardly played anymore. She had always played to escape reality, to remember all the things she loved, express her innermost secrets and desires. Now, whenever she played, memories of the night she had played for Jacob flooded back. She had shown him a piece of herself that she had never shown anyone before. She had let him into her private ritual. The hall, the music, the instrument, they all made her think of him. She was trying so hard not to think of him.

She was failing.

Miserably.