A.N: I don´t own anything of Bones!
By the way, the song used in this chapter is " I remember" , by Damien Rice and Lisa hannigan. I hope you enjoy this , and tell me what you think!
CHAPTER 4- THE TRUTH IN THE LIE
I remember it well
The first time that I saw
Your head around the door
'Cause mine stopped working
I remember it well
There was wet in your hair
I was stood in the stairs
And time stopped moving
" What should I do, then?" temperance asked almost afraid of dr. Irving´s answer, the palms of her hands suddenly cold with sweat. What in heavens name she could do to help Booth in such an awkward situation? Even being the always well informed woman she was about everything, she had never heard about that medical condition. Retrograde amnesia? Yes, sure she was familiar with it. But this Confabulation condition? She would definitely had to do a lot of research and studying.
" Do not correct him. At least, not now." The doctor´s voice was low and serious, as if he was aware of the absurd he was telling her to do. She felt as her jaw could hit the floor by any minute now.
" Are you telling me to lie? To Booth?" She must had misunderstood. She had to. But the look on dr. Irving´s eyes said otherwise.
" I´m not telling you to conceal things or even to keep lying to him indefinitely, dr. Brennan. I would never advise that , except that I really think that the pure true right now could do more harm than a few…wrong conclusions as the one Mr. Booth had made up. He´s stressed, scared and in a very high anxiety level. His brain had suffered al lot, and his body is still paying the price, hence his blood pressure. He just started having flashbacks, and it´s a great advance. I´m simply afraid that, by trying to take him out of the Confabulation situation, he gets more confused and start some kind of blocking his memories status worse than the present one. By telling him right now that he´s jumping to wrong conclusions, we may take away from him his only comfort, the source of some security. As I´ve had said, the confabulation situation is very, very feeble, it will probably pass soon, without any help. His mind will stop this self defense and come to terms with the reality when it´s ready. All I´m saying is that, if we can spare him from an immediate stress and trauma, we should do it." I must be getting crazy, because I can actually see some sense in what he´s saying.
Brennan blinked several times, fighting back the tears and trying to think rationally at the same time. She wasn´t used to lie. She had always been a terrible liar, Booth himself had told her so. How could then, she lie to the person who could so easily read her and tell what was really going on?
" Are you saying that it would be… like a pityful lie? For Booth´s own good?" She whispered as if Booth was standing by her said as she spoke, and Dr. Irving just nodded in agreement, as the wheels in her brain kept working. " But… I hate lies. I have a commitment with true, that´s why I had became what I am. And I don´t think I could ever lie to Booth. Not to him. He would know." She was sure about that. He may couldn´t remember who she was right now, but he still had his amazing people skills, she was sure of that. He still had his gut, and probably would figure it out by the time he set eyes on her.
" We often don´t see the true when we are too desperate to believe in a lie, dr. Brennan. Mr. Booth is facing a lot of fears right now, and you are the one who brings him some peace, some reassurance. He wants these things that he´s saying to be true. You are his link with his past, with his suppressed memories. You are a trigger. He is just trying in his own way to find a logical explanation to why he´s experiencing these sensations around you." He looked at her with compassion, and again on that day Temperance felt the urge to break down. " You just have to be discrete and let things be, let the remembrances come. You don´t have to pull an act or anything. Just… let him be, let him speak and remember at his own way. If things start to get more complicated, we´ll sit and see how we can fix it." She wanted to scream " How things can become more complicate than this?". She wanted to shake the doctor, maybe shake even Booth for doing this to her. She wanted to disappear. Only she couldn´t. She had to stay for Booth, as she knew he would stay for her. And that was it, she realized, as she thought about what Booth would do if he was in her place, if such thing was asked to him. He would do it without hesitation if it were for her sake, she was sure of that. It was just who Seeley Booth was. He would do anything to protect her, to spare her of any kind of pain. Wasn´t she supposed to do the same?
" Fine. I will try. But I can´t make any promises. As I said, I´m a terrible liar, and Booth is really good in reading people." Specially me. He always seems to understand what´s going on my mind. Dr. Irving squeezed her shoulder in support, a faint smile across his lips.
" We all do our best, Dr. Brennan. I´m sure you´ll do yours, and that is enough. Let´s just see what happens, shall we?" He opened Booth´s bedroom door and motioned her to go back in, to find her partner lying down with sleepy eyes, a glint of sudden alert by her entrance. The doctor made a sign to the nurse to leave the two of them alone, and the woman was gone in no time soon. It was now just the two of them. True time, Temperance. The true in a lie, or it would be the contraire? I just don´t know anymore.
She seated carefully at the chair by his side, a shy and tight smile on her face as she stared at him, finding interrogative brown eyes.
" Are you mad at me? For not remembering about us? Is this why you hadn´t told me? Because you´re mad?" His voice was surprisingly clear in opposite to the drowsiness he seemed to be experiencing, and she was fast to try calming him down, her chest tightening by his mere thought of her being mad at him for something that it was absolutely out of his control or desire.
" No. I was never mad at you, Booth. Believe me." He seemed to feel a little better by that statement, but she knew it wasn´t over. He needed an explanation. About a relationship that never existed. Oh my God. She sighed deeply, feeling his hand search for hers. " I didn´t… I didn´t want you to feel bad or… or guilty. For not remembering. Because that´s what you do. You feel guilty, as I know you are doing right now. And I didn´t want that to happen, because you simply had no control. It´s illogical to feel bad about it, Booth. It´s not your fault. I didn´t want to hurt you. Ok?" She held his gaze firmly, almost sure that he would explode anytime soon and say she wasn´t telling the true. Which she wasn´t, in fact. But he was supposed to believe in her. He was supposed to keep thinking that they were together, as a couple. Just when she was about to say anything else to at least try to find out what was going on in his mind, his fingers squeezed hers and he smiled, a faint copy of the charm smile that she was so used to, and secretively adored.
" Ok. I´ll try to stop feeling guilty. But only if you stop being afraid of telling me things that you think may hurt me. Do we have a deal?" Temperance almost chocked at his words. She was already doing the opposite of what he was telling her. Nevertheless, she smiled in return and tightened the grasp between their hands. He seemed lost in another world for a while, both silent, and she almost jumped when his voice raised a little.
" Temperance?" His eyes were sad and shy as he proceeded, and all Brennan wished was that she was able to subdue the pain. " I would like… to see Parker. And… and this squint team that you told me about. They are my friends, right? Maybe…maybe if I see them….I´ll remember. Could you call them all? Rebecca and Parker? And these people?" he seemed so insecure and young that she felt like hugging him as she would do with a little boy, telling him that things would settle down eventually. She studied his request carefully.
" We will have to check with dr. Irving, Booth. And if he says it´s ok, I think you should do one thing at a time. First Parker and then the team, maybe. I think it would be too much everybody together in the same room, and even in the same day." Booth looked at that amazing woman for a moment, silently thanking God he had her. She truly cared. He wasn´t alone.
" Ok. Just Parker, then. At first. I want to see my boy."
(-----------------------------------)
I want you here tonight
I want you here
'Cause I can't believe what I found
I want you here tonight
I want you here
Nothing is taking me down, down, down...
They seat in a terse silence, Booth on his hospital bed, Brennan on her usual chair by his side, waiting. She knew that, instead of being nervous, she should try to keep him calm. But it seemed simply impossible as they stood there waiting for the arrival of Parker and Rebecca. Brennan could see that they had very different reasons to me anxious, and that Booth was in worse shape than she. After all, he was about to see a seven years old boy that was his son, but he could only remember him until the age of two. He was about to meet his son, the creature temperance knew he loved the most in the world. She, on the other hand, was nervous because Booth was nervous. Because she didn´t want him to suffer. Simple as that.
Temperance had checked with Dr. Irving. She had explained Booth´s desire to see his son, and the doctor, despite some reservations regarding his blood pressure, agreed, because, as she was getting used to hear, it was bound to happen sometime. And preventing a father from seeing his child after such a critical situation as the one Booth had faced wasn´t in anybody´s plan. No one could deny it to him. And so, Brennan had made the call, interchanging the phone with dr. Irving as both tried to explain Rebecca of what was happening with Booth. In order to have her and Parker prepared. Rebecca heard her words sadly, and had agreed to take Parker to the hospital after talking and doing a lot of explaining to their little boy. He needed to be prepared.
A slight knock on the door was heard, and Brennan watched with the corner of one eye as Booth´s jaw clenched, and then Rebecca was entering gingerly, a small blonde boy by her hand. Parker Booth stood still for some seconds, his big brown eyes looking around until they rested on the man seating upright on the bed, and in no time soon he was out of his mother´s grasp, leaping quickly in Booth´s lap, a genuine smile playing on his lips. The smile of a boy who missed his father.
" Daddy!" Parker threw his arms around Booth´s neck, burying his face on his chest, and Temperance could see that Booth was using all his self control to not fall into tears as he returned the embrace fiercely, almost hungry, his arms encircling his son. Booth looked at her for just a second, as if asking for strength, and she gave him the smile that made him feel dizzy and at the same time, safe.
" Hey, buddy." His voice was hoarse and thick, chocked with unshead tears, and both women in the room hid their own emotions, each on their way. " Hi, Becca."
The blonde woman managed to keep it on control, nodding gently with her head at his compliment, her eyes gleaming with her own tears at the scene before her. She could see the look of pain in his face. The pain of a father who lost five years. But Parker Booth was a bright and full of energy boy, and later temperance would recognize that he saved the day with his love and young trust and understanding. He let go of his father´s neck just to adjust himself better on his lap, a huge smile across his entire face.
" You look funny, daddy. With your head all wrapped like this." Temperance felt as if she was giving her first real laughter in four days, along with Seeley Booth, charm smile in place as he studied in awe the boy on his lap. Jeez, he looks like me and Becca. He´s exactly what I thought he would be. What I wanted to.
" Do I? Temperance didn´t tell me so." He gave her a playful smile, the one she was so familiar with, that had teased her along the years.
" But you do, daddy. You look like a mummy!" Parker placed his small fingers carefully on his bandaged head, his huge eyes curious. " Does it hurt?" His voice was full with true worry and a little fear. Brennan watched their interaction in utter amazement. Booth maybe didn´t remember the past years, but he still was a dad in his core, a look of pure delight in his face.
" No. It´s all right now." He messed his boy´s curls in an instinctive move, and Brennan could not suppress a tear from rolling seeing this so familiar movement of her partner. More and more, she realized that her old Booth was still there somewhere. " C´mon, give your old man another hug." He opened his arms to his boy, praying to God to remember, to have the years back, to see his son´s development, anything. Parker obeyed happily, and Booth felt again little arms in his neck, holding him tight, as if telling him that he was there, that he was not letting it go. And then, he was in another world, like God himself was telling him that with time, things would be in the right place.
It was Christmas. He remembered feeling miserable, alone in his working desk, a void in his chest that his memory couldn´t quite understand. But it all went away when one of his colleagues appeared in his door, with Parker by hand, nodding silently to Booth and vanishing as the boy ran to his lap. He wasn´t alone anymore. Booth recalled the distinct feeling of thinking that Santa Klaus indeed existed, because having his son right there and right now was a Christmas miracle. In his hospital bed he grasped the little boy, while his mind kept wondering far away. It was still the same night. He and Parker were getting out of the car to the snow, and he was in the phone, talking to Temperance. He could remember how much he wanted her to be there with him and his son, to celebrate. But she couldn´t. Nevertheless, he wanted to see her, and give her a present. And so, there they were, the two Booth boys in a cold night, a Christmas tree by their side, as he told Temperance to look by the window of wherever she was. And then, he could see her face, full of joyful surprise, her smile, and her voice by the phone…I love my present, Booth.
Brennan could tell he was having another flashback by the look in his eyes. She watched silently as he travelled far.
" He is remembering something." She spoke more to herself than to anyone, but Rebecca heard, and eyed her in curiosity.
" How can you tell?" temperance just shook her shoulders as approaching him carefully, realizing that the memory was over as his eyes searched for hers with some joy.
" I…I saw it. It was Christmas. Parker and I gave you a tree." He half stated half asked, but before Brennan could say anything, Parker looked at him in awe, his child eyes twinkling with pure happiness.
" Yes, daddy! That was last Christmas! I ran away to be with you, and mommy was sooo mad. And then, we went to give Bones her Christmas tree." Bones. The moment Seeley Booth heard that word, he felt as it belonged to him. He could not explain or even understand. But that word…was special.
" Bones?" It even felt good and right as his tongue spoke it. He looked from Parker to Temperance in curiosity and tension, knowing that he was missing something important. The look in her face just corroborated his idea. She seemed like a lost little girl as he said it, and he could tell that she almost fell apart. But she was strong. And fast. Her face recovered fast, a faint smile playing at her lips as Parker laughed and explained.
" It´s dr. Brennan… temperance´s nickname, dad. You call her like that all the time." Booth felt as if he was being punched. She had a nickname. And he forgot. Hell, he couldn´t even know why he called her that. It seemed…rude. And yet, part of him knew that she loved it. Almost as much as he did. Maybe it was a private joke. He eyed her questioningly, and she raised her shoulders pretending not to be concerned. No way she would let Booth know how much it hurt not to be called by the silly nickname of Bones.
" It´s a long story." And that was all she would give him for now. No details. She knew he was about to make more questions when Rebecca saved it all, a sad tone but resolute tone in her voice as she looked to her watch.
" I think it´s time for us to go. Your doctor said that we could just do a short visit for now, Seeley. Just a small time to let you see Parker, but you need to rest. We´ll be back tomorrow if the doctor say it´s ok. Right, parker?" The little boy agreed fervently, pursing his lips as if he was about to start crying. Booth could tell he didn´t want to go yet. But oh, his boy was brave, he thought, as his little face raised to be even with his, and their eyes were in the same level, his small hands pressed against Booth´s cheeks as his child´s voice filled the room.
" I know that you forgot a lot of things, daddy. Mommy explained to me. But don´t worry. You will remember." He spoke with the certain that only an innocent child could have, and Booth felt as the air was escaping from his lungs. " I´ll help you to remember. And Bones will help too. You always tell me that Bones is the best, and that she can do anything. I bet she can make you ok again." Now, Booth could not suppress the tears from forming. There he was, his son, promising him that things were going to be ok. He, the father, was the one that should be doing such things. And yet, he felt better by his words. He looked at Temperance, or " Bones", as his boy kept calling her, and saw that herself was almost crying silently after parker´s speech. The boy didn´t seem to notice the impact of his words, pressing a kiss on Booth´s cheek before leaving his lap hesitantly. Becca came close and kissed him too, and he could see the tears in her eyes too. Three crying adults and a happy, brave boy. What a team. She smiled to him before grasping Parker´s hand and getting out of the bedroom, closing the door slightly behind them. And then, he couldn´t take it anymore, his chest heavy, his throat sore, his eyes full of tears. He sighed and hid his face at his hands, crying silently, asking God where was the man that he used to be. What had happened to him? Parker´s baby face kept coming to his mind at the same time as the seven years old boy that had just left the room, and all Booth could think was how much he had missed. Five years were gone, and he wanted it back.
Temperance watched as Booth finally allowed himself to cry, to grieve his situation. She knew it must be harsh. Heck, it was harsh to her, she could only begin to imagine how it probably was to Booth, the one with the lost memories. His shoulders started to shake as his face kept buried in his hands, and something inside her started to scream, to toss and squirm. Booth needed her, just as she had needed him so many times in the past. In fact, she still did need him. But right now, she realized, he needed comfort, the same one that he had offered her so much.
She knew she wasn´t good at this. She was awkward with comforting, with making anyone feel better. She actually some times ended up making things worst. She was no good with soothing words or proper physical contact. Booth was the people person of the pair. But there he was, destroyed and unprotected. So, she took his advice once in her life, seating in front of him and pulling him in a close embrace. She let her heart speak. He offered no resistance, reciprocating the hug with ferocity, burying his face on her hair, a sense of familiarity and safeness taking over him as her scent fulfilled his senses. This feels like home. And, before he could restrain himself, his voice was getting out outloud, pleading and hoarse, directly at her ear.
" Kiss me." He felt her shoulders tighten at these words, but she didn´t let it go, just pushing him enough to allow their eyes to meet.
TBC…
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