Chapter 04
No matter what, I'll be fine. I can deal with anything.
Jane still clearly remembered her words back at the Dirty Robber the night of the Maura's sweat lodge revelations; the night of her own revelation. She sniggered. It had felt so clear then, but the past couple of days had proven her wrong.
A new case came in the morning after the pizza night and she had thrown herself body and soul on it. It wasn't a particularly difficult case: drive-by shooting with casings, witnesses, threats, motive: the whole package. She begged Korsak to run with it instead of giving it to Frankie, hoping that it'd take her mind off things, off Maura's infatuation with the ADA.
The pizza evening had been the last time she had spent any real time with Maura. They had texted and met for a quick coffee a couple of times but the past couple of days had been all about work. Nothing personal was discussed, but it was not a conscious decision to hide or avoid something. They were both convinced of that. When they thought of each other, or needed something, they texted and then back to work.
If they both believed everything was okay, then it was.
It was simple.
Or so Jane thought, wondering why she still felt a choking heaviness in her chest. She missed Maura and two days of texting and coffee wasn't enough. She decided to go downstairs to see her; the report on the drive-by-shooting wasn't urgent but Maura should have it by now.
.
.
Maura was downstairs, working at one of the examination tables.
She too had opted for avoidance. Not just with Jane, but with Julia too. Distance was what she needed to figure what had happened her. She had to precisely disembowel each and every one of her reactions to understand why she was reacting like she was. She only communicated with Julia by text, to set up another meeting – possibly their last. She locked her away, knowing that today at 11 she would be seeing her again and everything would be sorted out after lunch. She had barely seen Jane lately, but they were both finally busy. She was glad for Jane.
All was well under control.
She focused again on the preliminary notes on her examination of the jumper lying on the examination table. A soft touch on her upper arm nearly made her drop her pen. Holding her breath, she turned around; it was Jane.
"Didn't mean to frighten you. I said Hi when I came in." Jane turned to the table and winced. The guy was pretty broken up, and Jane knew it wasn't one of her cases: the guy had thrown himself out of his office building roof-top in front of firemen, police and a huge crowd.
"Jane! Good morning!" She gave Jane one of her wide, all-teeth smiles.
"How can you be so chirpy with…" Jane pointed at the body on the table. "He is pretty messed up."
"What? Oh, well, I guess I'm used to it."
"Brought you some coffee."
"Oh, wonderful! Thanks, Jane! I really need that." Maura took the gloves off and accepted the still hot coffee paper mug.
"So, do you have the final report on the drive-by shooting?"
Maura raised a finger while sipping her coffee. "Yes, I meant to tell you about it but it's been really busy. Let me get it for you."
While Maura was inside her office, Julia Green walked in. Jane was busy drinking her coffee, which saved her from showing the grimace that twisted her face.
"Detective Rizzoli, Hi" Julia gave Jane a sincere smile but it faded away against Jane's nod and forced silent reply. "Is Dr. Isles in?"
Jane looked towards Maura's office, and saw Maura coming back.
Julia followed Jane's eyes and her face lit up when she saw Maura.
"Julia! Is it 11 already? Oh my, I'm sorry, I'm running slightly behind. You are welcome to wait in my office while I finish up here."
"Great! I have a couple of phone calls to make so…" Julia turned to Jane, who stood frowning with her arms folded over her chest, still holding her coffee cup. "Detective, nice to see you again."
Jane wished the woman would stop smiling. She stretched her lips.
"Miss Green."
Maura glanced at Jane, flustered. Jane's eyebrows shot up questioningly. Maura shrugged and forced a little smile.
"We have to finish preparing the deposition."
"Is lunch part of the deposition?"
Maura flushed deeply. "Lunch?"
"Oh come on, Maura, check the time. How convenient…" Jane's mood parked next to her car, in the lowest floor of the building.
Maura's shoulders wiggled slightly and she turned around, dismissing the nasty undertone of Jane's comment. "Now that you mention it, lunch was my idea."
Jane nodded, biting the need to confront Maura. She was doing nothing wrong, but Jane felt the urge to do something about it, to stop her if she had to. She frowned, unable to understand the reason for her illogical, visceral reaction. Given that she could not restrain herself anymore, decided for the only logical course of action for a best friend: retreat.
"Alright, let me leave you to it. Is that the case file?" Jane pointed at Maura's chest; she was holding the folder behind her folded arms.
Maura seemed to snap out of a train of thought. "Oh, yes, of course. So I'll see you tonight at my place." Maura smiled at her, again as if nothing had happened.
"Yay, Friday Night!" Her frown dissolved with the prospect of a nice, relaxed time with Maura. She looked inside Maura's office and saw Julia waiting for Maura. The frown returned in full force.
I can handle anything. Yeah, right.
Jane left for her desk wishing she could go to the gym instead and punch the biggest bag she could find.
.
.
Maura entered her office and found Julia pacing nervously while talking on the phone. Her tone was dry, precise, and almost clinical. It was a side of her she had not seen yet, but it did not surprise Maura. She had to have that in her to get to where she was. What did surprise her was seeing Julia turn around mid sentence, meet her eyes and smile with them while scolding someone on the phone. Her intense gaze showed sheer happiness, even when angry about something –or someone- else. It made Maura feel special, wanted, appreciated.
Maura settled on the couch waiting for Julia to end the call, which happened almost immediately.
"Sorry about that. Someone at the office lost a huge opportunity at a case. Sheer incompetence aggravated by the most absurd display of misogynistic arrogance."
Maura shook her head and raised her palm. "Don't worry about it. Let me get you a cup of coffee. Or would you prefer tea?"
"I'm fine, thanks. Let's get down to this; I need to make up for a shitty morning."
The deposition was ready just in time before lunch. Julia was a quick study and Maura had thoroughly enjoyed explaining in detail the most intricate and technically complex aspects of the case without losing Julia's interest for a second – even if she suspected that much of the technicalities were lost on her. As for the rest of the preparations, she had enough experience with trials to need little help from Julia.
Maura saw how Julia leaned back and stretched on the couch, looking both extremely at ease and pleased. She blushed when Julia realized she was being stared at. The blush deepened when Julia held her gaze and smiled at her.
"So, should we go?" Maura got up and started to pack. "I made a reservation for 1:30." She looked at her watch knowing exactly what the time was, but it was a good excuse as any to break the intensity of the moment.
They drove separate cars to the restaurant; it was just the right amount of time Maura needed to strengthen her resolve.
Julia seemed delighted with Maura's choice of restaurant. She didn't spare compliments that, delivered in her spontaneous way, felt sincere, profoundly satisfying Maura's need for approval. As the maître ushered them to their table, Maura became aware of the clear signs of her somatic responses to anxiety. Taking small controlled breaths she tamed the onset of what clearly was headed towards a panic attack.
They sat in silence as they reviewed the menu. After ordering, Julia broke the ice with a silly but amusing incident she had earlier in the day. A few laughs later, Maura felt more at ease, allowing the conversation to flow and herself to fully enjoy the company. When desserts arrived, they were discussing cases. Julia seemed fascinated with Maura's involvement not only in the forensics aspects, but also with the cases themselves.
"I suppose that Jane and I work very well together. And we had our fair share of murderers zeroing on us, too, which somehow made me part of several investigations. But that's what you get when your best friend is a detective and you work side by side."
"Best friend?"
"Yes, Jane is my best friend."
Julia's face lit up and Maura realized that Julia was happy that Jane and her were only friends. This had to mean that she was a lesbian and that she was interested in her. Her next thought appeared through spoken words.
"Oh. You thought that we-"
"That you two were more than friends?" Julia shrugged. "I have to confess, I did."
Maura laughed, waving away the idea. "Of course not. I'm single. I'm not- we're not lesbians."
Julia raised her palms.
"I'm sorry, I shouldn't have assumed." The apology carried with it a strong tinge of disappointment.
Maura barely hid her own disappointment; this was not how it was all supposed to happen. Instead of talking about whatever it was that was happening between them, they were discussing Jane and her own heterosexuality. It was too late to rewind, so the next best thing was to understand why Julia thought she was a lesbian, and involved with Jane.
"So what made you think that about us?"
Julia smiled softly, her eyes not following the gesture.
"Well… remember the day we met? I was standing behind you, at the door, gathering the courage to step into your celebration. I saw you two, how you looked at each other and, I don't know… You seemed very close… very much in love."
Maura's mouth fell open. Very much in love? Time stood still while Maura digested that thought. One thing was having some bored detective or other speculating on the nature of their relationship –even when knowing the truth-, and quite another was to have a lesbian get that impression from the way Jane and Maura looked at each other.
"Are you okay?" Julia placed a warm hand on Maura's forearm. "You look pale."
Maura smiled, swallowing to relax her larynx. "I am detecting an increased activity in my sympathetic system."
Julia's eyes silently voiced her perplexity, leaving Maura mortified.
"Fight or flight instinct. A normal reaction when faced with a situation too intense or threating. The sympathetic nervous system engages in…" Maura realized that Julia was not following her. She took a deep breath and smiled. "When I get nervous I either seek refuge in scientific knowledge or talk a lot, very fast." She smiled self-consciously. "Like now."
Julia tilted her head, sat back and tucked her already neat hair behind her ear. Her expression was unreadable and Maura wrapped her hands on the napkin, discretely wiping her palms dry.
Julia leaned forward. "So are you nervous because I thought you and Jane were a couple, or because I assumed you were also a lesbian?"
Also a lesbian.
There it was, finally out in the open.
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