The shore they arrived at was empty, but fishermen could be seen at other parts of the shore across the lake. "Who are all of these people?" Arthur marveled aloud.
"The world's a lot more crowded these days, Arthur," Merlin answered in an empty voice. "And busy."
They stopped side by side near the shore where the grass ended. "As someone who's used to passing only a handful of travelers on a four-day journey…" Arthur drew in a deep breath. "It's stifling," he admitted, looking over to see if Merlin agreed.
The wizard stared out at the lake, mentally a thousand miles away. Arthur grasped his arm. "Merlin?" he prompted, to no real reaction. It bothered Arthur that he couldn't get through, but he would be gentle with his friend. "Merlin," he repeated, squeezing his arm.
"…I'm sorry about how I acted back there," Merlin told him abruptly, meeting his eyes. "I want to explain, Arthur, I just…" His eyes slid shut and he shook his head. "I don't understand it myself."
"That's okay," Arthur said, forcing a light tone and a smile for him. "Let's sit down here," he suggested, and they did, the once king keeping an arm around his friend's shoulders.
Merlin took his time, but when he did speak, his words prevented Arthur from even considering a reply at first. "I'm mad, Arthur," Merlin whispered, so softly that it was almost to himself. "I've gone insane… waiting for you… being alone most of time, never really connecting with anyone. It was hard; trying to make friends sometimes- and other times… usually avoiding it. Everyone I associated with- I always knew… I'd outlive them eventually. How could I let anyone get close to me when I knew how painful it would be to part?"
"…So you started talking to one you couldn't lose anymore than you already had," Arthur filled in quietly.
Merlin shook his head to himself, features taut to restrain his feelings, forming wrinkles on what should have been a youthful face. "I'm so stupid," he said. "…Anything I ever had to say, I'd say it to you when I was alone- but you weren't there. I'd talk to you constantly, some days, and I'd imagine the words that you'd reply. I wouldn't even acknowledge that I was talking to thin air."
"Merlin," Arthur said firmly, "you weren't stupid. …You were lonely. It's understandable. You needed someone to talk to."
"But my determination to ignore that reality has made me doubt what is real, Arthur," Merlin replied miserably. "I've walked through life in a haze for centuries. The world held so little beauty or meaning for me after you died. …It's only now that I realize-" he shrugged- "I've done nothing with all of this time. I've stayed alive, but for no purpose."
"We both know that isn't true," Arthur countered, stubbornly frowning. "You're here for me now, aren't you? And you did enough within your first twenty-seven years of life for all the generations that you've lived since. Merlin." He held his friend's chin in his hand, securing his attention. "Don't ever think that time, or life, has been wasted on you. I know you- and I know that you've done good wherever you saw an opportunity." Arthur stroked Merlin's chin. "And don't ever really think that you're stupid."
Merlin's glistening eyes held his. "I want to stay right here," he whispered. "I want to be with you and know that you're alive and never let you out of my sight. It's ridiculous, but I can't help it."
"No," Arthur said softly, letting him hide his face against the once king's shoulder. "It's not ridiculous. I understand. I'm sorry I had to leave you earlier. I just needed to… I needed time to think alone; sort through things. Can you understand that?"
Merlin nodded, lifting his head with a forced smile. "Yeah."
At the strength he showed, Arthur felt his own expression lighten, truly happy for almost the first time since his return.
"…I remember," Merlin whispered now, quietly but with deep joy, "…that smile." His own peaceful grin broadened, finally without a touch of grief. "That crooked smile. I missed it so much." He brushed Arthur's cheek with his thumb before tilting their heads together so that their foreheads met. "…You're back," he breathed.
An honest, proper laugh escaped Arthur, and he clutched Merlin's wrist. "I'm back," he repeated. "Back to stay with you."
"…Please don't ever leave me again," Merlin requested, to which Arthur had to shake his head.
"It's not in my power to promise, Merlin," he answered gently. "If I can, I'll stay with you forever. But if anything does happen to me-"
"Don't," Merlin cut him off sharply, but Arthur had to finish.
"I'd watch over you forever," he said. "So you would never have to feel alone."
Merlin didn't say anything for a moment, but finally sniffed in a deep breath to keep his nose from running. He patted Arthur's face gently before drawing his own away.
"I meant what I said, Merlin," the once king told him. "About fixing you. Taking care of you. …I guess I can start by getting you to eat something." He picked up the brown bag that he'd brought and offered Merlin the apple and bread. Merlin picked the apple and took a bite out of it as Arthur started on the soft, white bread.
It was different from anything that had been made in Camelot, as so many of the foods now were. He'd gone through two slices before Merlin handed him the apple, of which he took a bite.
"Should have brought more food, for your appetite," the wizard said with a grin.
Arthur's glare was only half-hearted. Allowing a smile to win over, he remembered something else he'd brought to the lake, and reaching into his pocket, pulled out the old note.
Merlin looked at it as if both fearing it and fearing to lose it. He looked with hesitance at Arthur.
"You've no need of it anymore," Arthur announced, balling up the folded paper between his hands. Merlin winced but said nothing as the once king flung it far into the lake, but near enough that they could watch it sink.
Another glance at Merlin assured Arthur that he'd done the right thing. He enjoyed his friend's relief for a moment before handing him some bread. "Eat up," he ordered. "You're every bit as skinny as you've always been."
"I don't think that's ever going to change," Merlin remarked.
Arthur's intent expression caught his eye. "I wouldn't want that," he told the wizard. "I want you, to always, be you, Merlin."
He wondered for a moment if his friend would recall the last time that he'd spoken these words. So much time had passed, and many details of their old lives had been since forgotten by the wizard. But then the smile upon Merlin's face grew- the only lines upon his face those of happiness.
He laid a hand over Arthur's on the grass between them. "For that," he said earnestly, "thank you."
12-27-12
A/N- If you think that this story is similar to "Damaged at Best," plz keep in mind that this was written first. I didn't realize when writing "Damaged at Best" that I was re-using some of the same themes.
I sincerely, very much hope that you enjoyed! But I won't know unless you tell me! ;-D Please comment! You rock!
