A/N – This chapter contains an brief Abbott and Costello "Who's On First" type skit. I couldn't resist. Also, thanks to everyone for all the great reviews. I honestly wasn't sure whether this story would be well-received, afterall it's way off what I normally write and it's only going to get sillier.
Chapter 4 – The Best Soup in Lake-Town
(Legolas's POV)
The ride to Lake-Town, with Merilin sitting in front of me, was far more torturous than sticking a dagger in my eye. The way her pleasantly round behind wiggled against my family jewels, I almost believed she was purposely doing it to provoke me. I would rather eat a plate of Orc toes than experience it again. If I had to, I would purchase a horse for her to ride back on…and if not, then she could take Arod and I would gladly walk all the way back to Mirkwood.
Upon our arrival, we dismounted and left our horses with a stable hand near the bridge that led into town.
"Let us get something to eat before we browse the shops," suggested Arwen.
"Great idea, Arwen," replied Aragorn. "I'm famished."
Arwen and Merilin proceeded arm-in-arm ahead of Aragorn and I.
He leaned closer to me as we walked behind them, maintaining a slight distance in order to keep a watchful eye on things. "You need to settle your differences, Legolas. Remember what your father said."
"My father can kiss Elrond's butt all he wants. I have no intention of marrying Merilin."
"What about his threat about not letting you rule Mirkwood…Eryn Lasgalen…or whatever they're calling it nowadays?"
I grabbed his arm and slowed his steps. "When have you ever known me to desire kingship? Tis such a boring role. I cannot pretend to be pompous and almighty."
He frowned at me. "Are you calling me pompous?"
Perhaps it was a poor choice of words since Aragorn was now a king himself. "Nay, of course not. You're not lordly."
His jaw dropped. "Then, do tell me, what am I?"
I could not stop my eyes from rolling for initiating this. "Aragorn, can we please get back to the issue at hand?"
"Not until you tell me what you think me to be."
"You are Strider, a ranger. And you will always be a ranger to me."
He smiled. "That's better. For a moment I thought you would say I was a court jester."
That made me laugh. "Nay, you are not that funny." Then I regretted the words after I spoke them.
"Oh, is that right? I'll have you know my wife thinks I am very funny."
I watched Arwen and Merilin up ahead as they approached a tavern. Merilin bent to address a small boy near the entrance. By the time Aragorn and I arrived, she turned to me with a silly smile and followed Arwen inside.
Aragorn stopped me with a hand on my arm. "Follow my lead when I initiate the conversation at our table."
I gave him a nod. "Very well." Then I was curious as to what he would say.
The tavern was loud with raucous talk and laughter that nearly drowned out the music played by three musicians in a corner. A group of Beornings were standing near one side of the bar, drinking ale and studying the rest of the patrons. One Beorn met my gaze and with a black-toothed grin raised his mug of ale in my direction.
I acknowledged him with a slight nod of my head. Did he recognize me? It made no difference. There were many in Lake-Town that would recognize me as the son of the Mirkwood king. No one would dare cause trouble.
Our hostess led us to a table and my traitorous friend decided to sit beside his wife and left me to sit beside Merilin. She scowled at me as if I had planned it that way. "Would you prefer I sit at another table?" I asked in irritation.
"If that would not be too much trouble," she replied with a false smile.
Well, I wasn't about to give her the satisfaction. I took the seat beside her which was directly across from Aragorn.
The tavern wench walked over with four mugs of ale, which she placed on the table in a rather harsh manner. Her look was that of pure boredom. "What'll you have?"
"The last time I was here they served a cold soup," said Arwen.
"That's all we serve, milady," replied the wench. "Four soups then." She walked away, then roughly pushed a patron away as he tried to grab her waist. He stumbled backward and landed on a chair which immediately broke beneath his weight.
I turned to Arwen. "Nice place."
"Why did she ask what we wanted when all they serve is soup?" asked Merilin.
"Arwen," began Aragorn. "You will never guess what Thranduil has asked of Legolas."
I imagined this was the conversation Aragorn had informed me to follow along with.
When all eyes were on Aragorn, he continued. "Legolas was told to wed by the time the snows come."
Arwen gasped and turned to look at me. "Truly?"
I could see from the corner of my eye that Merilin also appeared as shocked as Arwen. Now that I knew where Aragorn was headed, I could barely contain myself. "Nay, he did not tell me, he demanded it of me." So the plan was to make her jealous. My ranger friend was brilliant.
"And what are you going to do?" asked Arwen.
"Well, I must obey my father."
"Who will you wed?"
I rubbed my chin as if in deep thought. "There are so many to choose from." I had to contain my laugh as I saw Merilin's cheeks redden in anger. "And I'm most certain any one of them would jump at the chance to rule Mirkwood by my side."
Aragorn snapped his fingers. "You've been quite partial to that dark-haired elleth from your realm. What is her name? You told me but I can't seem to remember it."
"Ninniach."
"Tis no wonder you cannot remember it," commented Merilin. "Such a stupid name."
"I don't care what her name is. My only concern is that she is pleasing to my eyes and she worships the ground I walk on."
Merilin snorted in disgust. "You might as well marry one of your father's hounds, for only a four-legged creature would worship you in such a manner."
"You obviously don't know Ninniach. She would do anything for me…and has, now that I think of it."
Merilin snorted again as she took a drink from her mug. "She is a dog," she mumbled.
I pretended to ignore her remark as the tavern wench carried four large bowls of soup to our table, spilling some of the contents along the way. I wondered why the proprietor of the tavern continued to employ such a terrible server. Without a single kind word to acknowledge whether we wanted anything else, she walked away. I stared at the bowl in front of me, which contained a thick white fluid with pieces of what looked to be carrots. Not wanting to be the first to try it, I waited for Aragorn. He picked up his spoon and began to shovel the soup into his mouth. A sound of pleasure came from him, so I imagined the soup was good to eat.
"Look there," announced Merilin. "Is that King Éomer of Rohan?"
We all looked up and turned to where Merilin was pointing.
"Where?" I asked.
"Oh, my mistake," Merilin replied after a moment and when I turned to her she quickly proceeded to eat her soup.
"What would Éomer be doing here? Besides, he would have sent word to me if he was passing through Mirkwood." I lifted my spoon and slipped it into the bowl. As I began to lift it out, I felt a weight upon it, perhaps a potato. But what I found was no spud. It was dark and slimy and stared back at me with beady eyes. I dropped it back into the bowl with a splash. "I cannot eat this."
"Legolas, the matron of this tavern truly prides herself in this soup," said Arwen.
I narrowed my brows in her direction. "I don't like unidentifiable things in my food."
Aragorn barked out a laugh. "Tis only carrots and potatoes. Come, my friend. You have eaten far worse during the fellowship."
I shook my head. "I highly doubt it." When I turned to Merilin, she again quickly resumed eating. She looked suspicious. Everyone else resumed eating. I decided to try it again, just to see what it was. My spoon caught the heavy thing and when I lifted it out of the cold soup, its throat ballooned and a strange sound came from it. I dropped it back into the bowl and found all eyes upon me. "What?" I asked.
"There are ladies present, Legolas," Aragorn scolded.
"What're you talking about?"
"You made an obscene sound."
"I did not!" I pointed an accusing finger at my bowl. "There's something in my soup."
Aragorn shook his head and returned to his meal.
I clenched my teeth and stared at my bowl. Determined to discover what was in my soup, I retrieved it with my spoon again…and it made that horrible sound once again and jumped from my spoon back into the bowl.
Aragorn dropped his spoon and gave me a dirty look. "Legolas…"
A large-boned woman stepped up to our table. "Good morning to you, Lords and Ladies. I hope you are enjoying your meal." She chuckled. "I do not need to brag that my soup is the best in Lake-Town. It speaks for itself."
I could not stop the words that spilled from my mouth. "You can say that again." With a smile, the matron walked away. Suddenly the creature in my soup hopped out of the bowl and proceeded across the edge of the table before leaping off. And then Merilin was laughing rather hysterically. I turned a suspicious eye to her. "You put that in my bowl."
She was laughing so hard she could barely speak. "You…you should have seen…the look on your face…when that frog was staring up at you."
A frog? I pushed the bowl away from me. "I don't care much for frogs in my soup."
Following the meal that I never had an opportunity to even taste, we left the tavern and began to walk toward the center of town where the markets were.
"Prince Legolas! Prince Legolas!"
I turned to find a Mirkwood messenger running toward me.
He was out of breath when he reached me and I patiently waited until he could speak. "I have a message from the healer."
Aragorn came up beside me. "What is it?"
"He asks that you visit the apothecary while you are here and replenish the herbs listed on this parchment." He handed the scrap of paper to me. "He is very adamant that you speak to the proprietor."
"Do you know the proprietor?" I asked the messenger as I scanned over the list.
"Aye, he is a friend of mine."
I looked up at the messenger. "Tell me his name."
Messenger: "Wen."
Legolas: "Now."
Messenger: "Now what?"
Legolas: "Now. Tell me now."
Messenger: "I just did."
Legolas: "You didn't."
Messenger: "I did."
Legolas: "When?"
Messenger: "Exactly."
Legolas: "Exactly? But you didn't tell me."
Messenger: "I did."
Legolas: "Then tell me again."
Messenger: "Wen."
Legolas: "I'm asking right now."
Messenger: "I know you are."
Legolas: "Well, are you going to tell me?"
Messenger: "Wen."
Legolas: "Right now."
Messenger: "I just told you his name."
Legolas: "I obviously missed it."
Messenger: "Wen."
Legolas: "Just now. You said you told me just now."
Messenger: "I did."
Legolas: "Do you or do you not know the proprietor's name?"
Messenger: "I told you he was a friend of mine, so of course I know his name."
Legolas: "Well, what's his name?"
Messenger: "Nay, Waat is the name of the fisherman."
Legolas: "Now how should I know his name? Why are you bringing him up?"
Messenger: "You brought him up first."
Legolas: "When?"
Messenger: "That's the owner of the apothecary."
Legolas: "But that's what I'm trying to find out. What's his name?"
Messenger: "That's the fisherman."
Legolas: "Why are you bringing the fisherman into the conversation again?"
Messenger: "My Lord, you brought him up."
Legolas: "I didn't. I'm just trying to find out the name of the apothecary owner. Who is it?"
Messenger: "Woo owns the tavern."
Legolas: "Now how did he get into all of this? Stop changing the subject."
Messenger: "You changed it first."
Legolas: "Let's try this a different way. You pay the owner of the apothecary for some medicinal herbs. Who gets the coins?"
Messenger: "Nay, Woo gets the coins from the tavern."
Legolas: "I'm not asking about the tavern. I'm asking about the apothecary."
Messenger: "Well, don't change the names around."
Legolas: "I don't have any names to change anything around. All I'm trying to do is find out who owns the apothecary. Does he have a wife?"
Messenger: "Naturally."
Legolas: "Would it be possible to speak to Naturally then?"
Messenger: "That is not her name."
Legolas: "You just said it was."
The Messenger shook his head.
Legolas: "Tell me her name."
Messenger: "Tamara."
Legolas: "Why not today?"
Messenger: "Because that isn't her name."
Legolas: "What isn't her name?"
Messenger: "Precisely."
Legolas: "I didn't say it was. But while we're on her, her husband's name is…"
Messenger: "Wen."
I threw up my arms. "We're back to this again."
Messenger: "I can't help it if you're not understanding what I'm saying."
Legolas: "What is the name of the apothecary owner?"
Messenger: "Waat owns the tavern."
Legolas: "I said I don't care about him."
Messenger: "Then why did you mention his name?"
Legolas: "I said his name?"
Messenger: "Aye, you did."
Legolas: "If I said his name, then who did I say owns the tavern."
Messenger: "That's right."
Legolas: "What's right?"
Messenger: "Waat is the name of the fisherman."
Legolas: "How did we get back to him?"
Messenger: "You just said his name."
Legolas: "How could I say his name if I don't even know it?"
Messenger: "Waat is his name."
Legolas: "I don't know, I'm asking you. Can we just go back to the apothecary owner, please? What's his name?"
Messenger: "Why do you insist on putting him in the apothecary?"
Legolas: "For the love of the Valar, are you an imbecile?"
Messenger: "I'm only trying to give you his name."
Legolas: "Whose name?"
Messenger: "I told you, he owns the tavern."
Legolas: "Who owns the tavern?"
Messenger: "Precisely."
Legolas: "Finally I have a name."
Messenger: "Who?"
Legolas: "Precisely. He owns the tavern?"
Messenger: "Woo owns the tavern."
Legolas: "I just told you."
Messenger: "Nay, you said Precisely owns the tavern."
Legolas: "That's because you told me it was the owner's name."
Messenger: "Nay, I didn't. I said Woo."
Legolas: "It doesn't matter because I don't care about the tavern owner. Who do I speak to at the apothecary?"
Messenger: "Nay, you speak to Wen."
Legolas: "What do you mean when?"
Messenger: "That's his name."
Legolas: "That's his name?"
Messenger: "Aye."
Legolas: "So I speak to That."
Messenger: "Not that."
Legolas: "You just told me his name was That."
Messenger: "I said no such thing."
Legolas: "Well, tell me the name you said."
Messenger: "Wen."
I shook my fist in his face. "Now look, I don't want to have to hurt you."
The messenger backed away. "I pride myself on my job, my Lord."
"Good, let's see if I can get this straight. Who owns the tavern, What is the fisherman and When owns the apothecary."
He raised an arm in defeat. "Now you have it!"
"Now I have it? I don't even know what I'm talking about!"
"But you said it perfectly."
I turned to Aragorn with a sigh. "He's getting on my last nerve. Will you handle this?"
"Tis obvious the proprietor's name is Wen," concluded Aragorn.
I stared at my friend with my mouth open and then walked away shaking my head. Either my head was turning into mush or everyone around me was conspiring to drive me insane.
I thought it would be easier if instead of saying Legolas said this and the Messenger said that, I just put their names in front of the dialogue so you know who said what…or who…or when…LOL.
