Metroid Prime 2: Echoes: Remade

*Author's note: Sorry 'bout the ranting up ahead. Those boxes just creep me out. That's all. Stupid boxes.*

Chapter 4: Sanctuary

Samus and Ridley fell down to Sanctuary because the author was mean enough not to put one there. MUAHAHAHAHAHAHA! They enter the next room.

Samus: What are those things crawling on the wall?

Ridley: They look like boxes...

Samus: Seriously Nintendo. What a lame design for health containers. But they are kinda creepy.

Samus and Ridley go through sanctuary to find the Spider Guardian who looks nothing like a spider.

Spider Guardian: I'm related to Sonic the hedgehog!

Samus: How so?

Spider Guardian: My mom, wife, aunt, and sister are all the same person! Her her her!

Samus:...

Spider Guardian: Wanna' become part of the family?

Samus: Ew! NO!

Ridley: I do!

Samus: Ridley?

Ridley: Sorry Samus, I can't help myself.

Ridley and the Spider Guardian have lots of babies.

Samus: Ok, I don't even wanna' know who's the dad and who's the mom.

Ridley: Hey, Samus, check our babies.

Samus looks at a gross, horrible combination of a pterodactyl and whatever the spider guardian is.

Baby 1: Kill me.

Samus: I think it wants to die.

Ridley: Um, no it doesn't.

Baby 1: Kill me.

Samus: Ridley, I'm pretty sure it wants to die.

Ridley: No it doesn't!

Baby 1: Oh for the love of Samus, kill me!

Samus: I'm going to kill it.

Ridley: IT'S MY BABY! I'LL DO WHAT I WANT WITH IT!

Samus kills the Spider Guardian while it's distracted.

Ridley: Oh noes! Now we can't haves more babies!

Samus: Good.

Samus got the spider ball.

Samus: See ya.

Samus turned into the morph ball, climbed up the wall, and went through the air shaft.

Ridley: MY SAMUS! COME BACK! I'M SORRY! THE SPIDER GUARDIAN MEANT NOTHING TO ME!

Spider Guardian: WHAT?

Ridley: Spider Guardian! Your alive!

Spider Guardian: I THOUGHT WHAT WE HAD WAS SPECIALLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL!

Ridley: But it is!

Spider Guardian: You take care of the kids. I have buisness to do. KILL SAMUS!

The Spider Guardian went into the air shaft.

TORVUS BOG

Samus went all the way to the bottom of Torvus Bog.

Power Guardian: Hey, was going on?

Samus: I needs the power bomb you possess.

Power Guardian: Well sure! Life is great man!

Samus: What?

Power Guardian: I'm like so f***ing high right now, man!

Samus: Why do you keep calling me a man?

Power Guardian: I don't know, I'm like so f***ing high.

Samus: If your a plant thing, then how the heck did you get high.

Power Guardian: I'm a plant. A plant that's a weed. Me and my weed friends are chillin' when I realize that I can smoke weed. So...

Samus: You chopped up your weed friends and smoked them?

Power Guardian: Life is great man. You never thought of weed smoking weed before did ya?

Samus shot the Power Guardian.

Power Guardian: You can't kill me. I'm high. I can do anything. Watch me fly!

The Power Guardian isn't moving off the pedestal he's on while he thinks he's flying.

Power Guardian: I think I'll turn on the radio. I like flying! It's such a jive! Why didn't the do this, in 1955!

Samus: It seems the only way to defeat weed is to smoke it.

Samus smoked the power guardian.

Power bomb acquired!

Samus went back to sanctuary.

SANCTUARY

Quad: Hi.

Samus: Hey.

Quad: I'm a quad.

Samus: Life is great man.

Quad: I'm not a man. I'm a quad.

Samus:...

After Samus's high was over...

Samus: My head hurts...

Quad: I'm a quad.

Samus hit the quad with a boost ball.

Quad: Oh no! I'm confused! I'll just leave the nuts vulnerable.

The Quad showed it's nuts. Samus boosted it.

Samus: I didn't know machines had nuts.

Samus found an elevator.

?: You b****! I'm like gonna' kills you!

Dark Samus appeared and pressed the button to start the elevator.

Dark Samus: Times to die!

Samus: Look. I know we didn't get along in the past but that's behind us now.

Dark Samus: Yeah, I suppose your right.

Samus: Let's forget what happened and make up.

Dark Samus: Make out? Ok.

Dark Samus started making out with Samus. The elevator reached the top of Sanctuary overlooking a cliff. Samus punched Dark Samus and she fell off the cliff.

Samus: You b****! I didn't say makeout! Hey look! An upgrade!

Echo visor acquired.

Samus: Now I can see faster than the speed of sound! What a gayish upgrade for nintendo to make!

Suddenly a voice filled Samus's universe.

?: This is Shigeru Matsumoto or whatever the name of the creator of Mario and games like that is called. I am the ruler of all the Nintendo universes. Samus, you are hereby ordered to stop making fun of us or we will destroy you.

Samus: K.

Samus went into the dark world of Sanctuary. Suddenly a thing that resembled a luminoth and looked mechanical tore off the wall.

Machine thing: Yo. I'm like the Samus terminator, like yeah. Like time to like die, like b****.

Samus: Samus ran past him.

Machine Thing: Hey! Come back here and fear me! ...Please?

Samus exited the Sanctuary Dark World. She collected the Screw Attack.

Samus: Um... What the hell nintendo? The screw attack? Most wrong name for an upgrade ever!

Dark Suit: Screw attack. Now you can screw people like a dude.

Samus: EW! What does that mean?

Dark Suit: Screw attack activated.

Suddenly a thing shaped like a guy's hotdog, if you know what I mean, appeared from the dark suit. A dark spacepirate commando appeared and ran into it and instantaneously died.

Dark Suit: The screw attack is your most powerful weapon and can instantaneously kill some enemies.

Later...

Samus entered the Dark World again.

Quadraxis: Yo. I'm like Quadraxis and stuff. So like... yeah...

Samus: I don't care how powerfull my new weapon is. I'll defeat you the old fashion way! There's absolutely no way I'll ever use the Screw Attack!

Dark Suit: Voice Activation Successful. Preparing to perform a screw attack.

Samus: Noes!

The screw attack thingy appeared from samus's dark suit again. The screw thingy moved and samus was forced to move with it as if it had a will of it's own. Quadraxis got screwed.

Quadraxis: I've reached my climax in like one second! Never have I had better sex! The power's just too overwhelming!

Quadraxis exploded.

Dark suit: Guess I was... a little too much for him.

Samus: Huh?

Dark Suit: I really like my new upgrade.

Samus: Huh?

Dark Suit: That Quadraxis was pretty hot.

Samus: Do you like have a mind of your own or something.

Dark Suit:... maybe. Hey another machine I can screw! C'mere cutie!

The quad ran in terror. Samus fought for control. NO! We're collecting the annihilator beam. Samus got the annihilator beam.

Samus: Maybe trading my light suit for the dark suit was a bad idea.

Dark Suit: No, no. I'll behave.

Samus got the energy from Dark Sanctuary. Then she went to the energy controller on Sanctuary and restored the energy. She returned to Temple Grounds to find U-mos alive.

Samus: U-mos! Your alive!

U-mos: OH shudup!

Samus: Huh?

U-mos: First Ridley almost nearly kills me, then samus neglects to take me to a hospital, and now look at me! I'm all covered in bandages and stuff! Now Samus won't be able to have sex with me! I hate you Ridley!

Samus: Ok, that's sad and stuff, but I need to go to Walmart.

U-mos: Walmart is in Dark Temple Grounds, but you'll have to find 9 dark temple keys all around the world of dark aether first.

Samus went to the place that needed 9 temple keys.

Samus: Screw finding the keys! Dr. Octogonapus?

Dr. Octogonapus: DR. OCTOGONAPUS! BLAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!

Dr. Octogonapus shoop da' whooped the wall. Samus entered and went to infinity and beyond!

End of chapter.