*Author's note: Sorry 'bout the ranting up ahead. Those boxes just creep me out. That's all. Stupid boxes.*
Chapter 4: Sanctuary
Samus and Ridley fell down to Sanctuary because the author was mean enough not to put one there. MUAHAHAHAHAHAHA! They enter the next room.
Samus: What are those things crawling on the wall?
Ridley: They look like boxes...
Samus: Seriously Nintendo. What a lame design for health containers. But they are kinda creepy.
Samus and Ridley go through sanctuary to find the Spider Guardian who looks nothing like a spider.
Spider Guardian: I'm related to Sonic the hedgehog!
Samus: How so?
Spider Guardian: My mom, wife, aunt, and sister are all the same person! Her her her!
Samus:...
Spider Guardian: Wanna' become part of the family?
Samus: Ew! NO!
Ridley: I do!
Samus: Ridley?
Ridley: Sorry Samus, I can't help myself.
Ridley and the Spider Guardian have lots of babies.
Samus: Ok, I don't even wanna' know who's the dad and who's the mom.
Ridley: Hey, Samus, check our babies.
Samus looks at a gross, horrible combination of a pterodactyl and whatever the spider guardian is.
Baby 1: Kill me.
Samus: I think it wants to die.
Ridley: Um, no it doesn't.
Baby 1: Kill me.
Samus: Ridley, I'm pretty sure it wants to die.
Ridley: No it doesn't!
Baby 1: Oh for the love of Samus, kill me!
Samus: I'm going to kill it.
Ridley: IT'S MY BABY! I'LL DO WHAT I WANT WITH IT!
Samus kills the Spider Guardian while it's distracted.
Ridley: Oh noes! Now we can't haves more babies!
Samus: Good.
Samus got the spider ball.
Samus: See ya.
Samus turned into the morph ball, climbed up the wall, and went through the air shaft.
Ridley: MY SAMUS! COME BACK! I'M SORRY! THE SPIDER GUARDIAN MEANT NOTHING TO ME!
Spider Guardian: WHAT?
Ridley: Spider Guardian! Your alive!
Spider Guardian: I THOUGHT WHAT WE HAD WAS SPECIALLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL!
Ridley: But it is!
Spider Guardian: You take care of the kids. I have buisness to do. KILL SAMUS!
The Spider Guardian went into the air shaft.
TORVUS BOG
Samus went all the way to the bottom of Torvus Bog.
Power Guardian: Hey, was going on?
Samus: I needs the power bomb you possess.
Power Guardian: Well sure! Life is great man!
Samus: What?
Power Guardian: I'm like so f***ing high right now, man!
Samus: Why do you keep calling me a man?
Power Guardian: I don't know, I'm like so f***ing high.
Samus: If your a plant thing, then how the heck did you get high.
Power Guardian: I'm a plant. A plant that's a weed. Me and my weed friends are chillin' when I realize that I can smoke weed. So...
Samus: You chopped up your weed friends and smoked them?
Power Guardian: Life is great man. You never thought of weed smoking weed before did ya?
Samus shot the Power Guardian.
Power Guardian: You can't kill me. I'm high. I can do anything. Watch me fly!
The Power Guardian isn't moving off the pedestal he's on while he thinks he's flying.
Power Guardian: I think I'll turn on the radio. I like flying! It's such a jive! Why didn't the do this, in 1955!
Samus: It seems the only way to defeat weed is to smoke it.
Samus smoked the power guardian.
Power bomb acquired!
Samus went back to sanctuary.
SANCTUARY
Quad: Hi.
Samus: Hey.
Quad: I'm a quad.
Samus: Life is great man.
Quad: I'm not a man. I'm a quad.
Samus:...
After Samus's high was over...
Samus: My head hurts...
Quad: I'm a quad.
Samus hit the quad with a boost ball.
Quad: Oh no! I'm confused! I'll just leave the nuts vulnerable.
The Quad showed it's nuts. Samus boosted it.
Samus: I didn't know machines had nuts.
Samus found an elevator.
?: You b****! I'm like gonna' kills you!
Dark Samus appeared and pressed the button to start the elevator.
Dark Samus: Times to die!
Samus: Look. I know we didn't get along in the past but that's behind us now.
Dark Samus: Yeah, I suppose your right.
Samus: Let's forget what happened and make up.
Dark Samus: Make out? Ok.
Dark Samus started making out with Samus. The elevator reached the top of Sanctuary overlooking a cliff. Samus punched Dark Samus and she fell off the cliff.
Samus: You b****! I didn't say makeout! Hey look! An upgrade!
Echo visor acquired.
Samus: Now I can see faster than the speed of sound! What a gayish upgrade for nintendo to make!
Suddenly a voice filled Samus's universe.
?: This is Shigeru Matsumoto or whatever the name of the creator of Mario and games like that is called. I am the ruler of all the Nintendo universes. Samus, you are hereby ordered to stop making fun of us or we will destroy you.
Samus: K.
Samus went into the dark world of Sanctuary. Suddenly a thing that resembled a luminoth and looked mechanical tore off the wall.
Machine thing: Yo. I'm like the Samus terminator, like yeah. Like time to like die, like b****.
Samus: Samus ran past him.
Machine Thing: Hey! Come back here and fear me! ...Please?
Samus exited the Sanctuary Dark World. She collected the Screw Attack.
Samus: Um... What the hell nintendo? The screw attack? Most wrong name for an upgrade ever!
Dark Suit: Screw attack. Now you can screw people like a dude.
Samus: EW! What does that mean?
Dark Suit: Screw attack activated.
Suddenly a thing shaped like a guy's hotdog, if you know what I mean, appeared from the dark suit. A dark spacepirate commando appeared and ran into it and instantaneously died.
Dark Suit: The screw attack is your most powerful weapon and can instantaneously kill some enemies.
Later...
Samus entered the Dark World again.
Quadraxis: Yo. I'm like Quadraxis and stuff. So like... yeah...
Samus: I don't care how powerfull my new weapon is. I'll defeat you the old fashion way! There's absolutely no way I'll ever use the Screw Attack!
Dark Suit: Voice Activation Successful. Preparing to perform a screw attack.
Samus: Noes!
The screw attack thingy appeared from samus's dark suit again. The screw thingy moved and samus was forced to move with it as if it had a will of it's own. Quadraxis got screwed.
Quadraxis: I've reached my climax in like one second! Never have I had better sex! The power's just too overwhelming!
Quadraxis exploded.
Dark suit: Guess I was... a little too much for him.
Samus: Huh?
Dark Suit: I really like my new upgrade.
Samus: Huh?
Dark Suit: That Quadraxis was pretty hot.
Samus: Do you like have a mind of your own or something.
Dark Suit:... maybe. Hey another machine I can screw! C'mere cutie!
The quad ran in terror. Samus fought for control. NO! We're collecting the annihilator beam. Samus got the annihilator beam.
Samus: Maybe trading my light suit for the dark suit was a bad idea.
Dark Suit: No, no. I'll behave.
Samus got the energy from Dark Sanctuary. Then she went to the energy controller on Sanctuary and restored the energy. She returned to Temple Grounds to find U-mos alive.
Samus: U-mos! Your alive!
U-mos: OH shudup!
Samus: Huh?
U-mos: First Ridley almost nearly kills me, then samus neglects to take me to a hospital, and now look at me! I'm all covered in bandages and stuff! Now Samus won't be able to have sex with me! I hate you Ridley!
Samus: Ok, that's sad and stuff, but I need to go to Walmart.
U-mos: Walmart is in Dark Temple Grounds, but you'll have to find 9 dark temple keys all around the world of dark aether first.
Samus went to the place that needed 9 temple keys.
Samus: Screw finding the keys! Dr. Octogonapus?
Dr. Octogonapus: DR. OCTOGONAPUS! BLAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!
Dr. Octogonapus shoop da' whooped the wall. Samus entered and went to infinity and beyond!
End of chapter.
