Chapter 4
The rain continued steadily throughout the night, finally petering out to a fine mist toward morning. By the time the sun peeked out over the eastern horizon, it had stopped entirely.
As soon as he saw the sunshine, Bellamy wanted to leave the cave and return to the Rover. They'd already lost a day to the bad weather and he was anxious to get to Luna's rig as soon as possible, because who knew when they'd ever get another clue to Octavia's whereabouts. And who knew how long they'd have to feed the signal fire by the stone pillars before Luna let them on board. Or if she even would.
But Murphy pointed out that the mud under the Rover's tires needed time to dry out into hard-packed dirt. And Clarke reminded him that it would take at least a few hours of sunlight for the Rover to recharge. So he was forced to swallow his impatience while they moved their still-damp clothing out of doors to dry on a large boulder.
By mid-morning, Bellamy's self-control had worn thin and he couldn't seem to stop fidgeting. But they'd followed Emori's footsteps through the pouring rain to this place of refuge, and he knew he had only the vaguest idea of how to get back to the vehicle. Dammit! He fucking hated being dependent on anyone else.
"Just give me the directions," he finally begged Emori in desperation, when she made no move to leave. "I can at least start freeing the Rover."
"Directions. In the middle of this forest." Her tone was dry. "You've only been out this way once before. You'd end up walking around in circles or falling into the river."
She shook her head, sighing. "We'd better go, John, before he completely loses his shit."
But Bellamy thought she didn't seem wholly unsympathetic.
Within minutes they had packed their gear and were trudging single-file along a barely visible pathway through the densely-wooded forest. Bellamy could feel his anxiety about Octavia increase with every step.
Yesterday, when they'd been pinned down by the torrential rain, when their transportation had been mired in the muck, it had been okay for him to shove his worries aside. To allow himself to forget for just a few hours why they were here and where they were headed. To enjoy the moments of light-hearted conversation and friendly companionship. To savor the comfort of Clarke's soft curves as they nestled against his side while they slept.
But today they were back to business and his impatience to be on his way returned in full force.
When they finally reached the Rover, Bellamy was relieved to find that it now had a full charge. And that the mud that had been caked halfway up the vehicle's wheels had now dried into thick heavy bricks of dirt that they were able to remove with a little muscle and a few whacks with a shovel. The Rover had created quite a rut in the track, and as they finally pulled out of it, Bellamy hoped it wouldn't trip up some unwary future traveler.
They drove for the rest of the day without incident, stopping early enough for the Rover to recharge in the spring sun. The forest was teeming with small woodland creatures, and Bellamy suggested that he and Murphy spend what little daylight they had left hunting to supplement their food stores.
"Good idea." Emori was enthusiastic. "I don't know how you can eat that awful stuff you call food."
Clarke laughed. "Farm station couldn't grow enough food on the Ark to keep everyone alive. So those protein packs were the difference between life and death. But I have to admit I never noticed how horrible they were until after I'd tasted food grown on the ground. Now we mostly just use them when we travel."
Later, they built a small fire and roasted the two fat rabbits that Bellamy and Murphy had caught, then lapsed into companionable silence. The weather had improved and the temperature risen enough for them to sleep out of doors for the first time since they'd left Arkadia.
Bellamy thought that Murphy and Emori might disappear into the woods for some more private time, and he reminded himself not to be a dick about it. But they didn't, instead contenting themselves with a few kisses as they cuddled together on Murphy's bedroll.
Bellamy also thought that, unlike the night before when they'd huddled together for warmth, Clarke would settle down several feet away from him. But that didn't happen either. Instead, she curled up into his side, her hand resting lightly across his stomach.
"You don't mind, do you?" she asked tentatively, and Bellamy smiled wryly into the darkness.
"Of course not," he said softly, slipping his arm around her. "I like to feel useful," he added, trying to bring some levity to the situation. Hoping that she wouldn't feel him tremble or hear the pounding of his heart.
Bellamy sighed. He knew he was in deep shit.
XXXXXXXXXX
It was another full day of travel before they reached the small clearing and the circle of dry-wall pillars. They left the Rover in the same location as the first time they'd come to see Luna and traveled down the narrow pathway to the stone circle.
They hadn't been there more than a minute before Emori announced her intention to leave.
"I can't stay here," she said suddenly, her voice agitated.
Murphy looked at her in confusion.
"What's the problem, babe? Our two fearless leaders have been here before and returned in one piece. Right, guys?" He looked to Bellamy and Clarke for confirmation.
"Emori, please don't be afraid of this place. We had some trouble the last time we were here, but that was ALIE, and we're the ones - I was the one - who brought her here. Bellamy and I will be lucky if Luna even lets us aboard her ship this time."
Clarke spoke in quiet tones, hoping to soothe the suddenly distressed Emori.
"But you have nothing to fear from Luna. She accepts everyone, as long as they swear off violence."
But the other girl was shaking her head, not even listening.
"I've never lived with any of the clans. Until I took that damn chip. None of them ever wanted...my kind."
Murphy slapped his palm against his forehead, realization flooding him.
"Of course you didn't. I knew that. So when I saw you selling food in the market in Polis, I guess...I should've known you'd been chipped."
Emori shrugged. "Yes, John, you should've known, but it doesn't matter now. Before... it was about my hand, but I don't care about that anymore," she said, studying the misshapen appendage indifferently. "I just know I'd feel...trapped...on that boat." Her chin lifted. "I'll stay behind."
"Are you sure...?" Clarke began, but Murphy interrupted.
"Hey, if she wants to stay, she stays," he said testily, picking up their gear. "We'll wait with the Rover."
"I don't know how long we'll be here," Bellamy reminded him. "Because I'm not losing this chance to find Octavia, no matter how long it takes."
Murphy nodded and patted a pocket on his pants. "Still got the walkie-talkie. Call if you need us. But we should leave right now while it's still light enough to find our way back."
XXXXXXXXXX
Bellamy lit the signal fire as soon as the others had disappeared down the trail, and he and Clarke began stockpiling kindling so that they could feed the fire all night.
As the darkness began to descend, Bellamy imagined his sister sitting in this same place for who knows how long, only her solitary campfire for company. Had it been hours...or days...before Luna's men had come to retrieve her? He marveled anew at how strong she'd become, how determined. And felt it his own personal failure that along with her strength and determination she had not also learned restraint. Or patience. Or the ability to consider someone else's point of view.
He and Clarke said little, too focused on the need to keep the fire going, and too exhausted to engage in discourse.
They napped in shifts, determined to feed the flame throughout the long night, but eventually, toward morning, they both drifted off to sleep.
Bellamy awoke with a start as the sun began to rise, the first licks of light penetrating his consciousness.
"Shit!" He moved to restart the fire, but Clarke's voice stopped him.
"Bellamy," she said groggily, "we can't possibly keep this fire going day and night. They must have seen it from the oil rig already. Luna knows someone's here. They'll come when they feel like it."
Bellamy felt a tightness in his chest. He knew she was probably right, but he found it impossible to sit there and do nothing. They'd already lost a day to the rain, and he didn't think he could deal with several hours of sitting still. His pursuit of Octavia had to involve some activity. Some movement.
Clarke sighed, and when she spoke, he wondered once again if she could somehow read his mind.
"How about this?" she asked. "It's easier for them to see the light at night, so let's spend the day gathering up branches and we can try the signal fire again tonight. We'll nap later on so we can make it through the night with falling asleep."
He nodded once, grateful to have a plan. Any plan.
They ate, and foraged for kindling, and ate again. The pile of branches, twigs, and leaves stacked against one of the stone pillars had become enormous by the time they decided to stop for their nap. Bellamy lay down on his bedroll and Clarke, as had become her habit, lay down next to him.
She'd always given him a reason why she did this. It was cold, or it was dark, or they were sheltering in a new and unknown spot. But the day was warm and sunny, the clearing was open, and they'd been there in that place for a while now.
Clarke cleared her throat. "Bellamy..." she began uncertainly.
"You know I sleep better when I know where you are," he said quickly, forestalling her explanation. Whatever it was going to be this time.
She sighed in what sounded very much like relief. "Me, too," she said, settling her head on his shoulder, her hand falling across his chest. They were asleep in no time.
XXXXXXXXXX
The light was waning when Bellamy awoke. His arm tingled from hours of sheltering Clarke's head as they slept, and he tried to remove it without waking her. But the pins and needles had barely begun to dissipate when he heard her voice.
"Is it it time to start the fire?" she asked. Bellamy looked over as her half-lidded eyes gazed up at him sleepily, and he felt the sudden unmistakeable stirrings of desire. They couldn't seem to look away from one another, and for a long moment he felt like he could barely breathe.
Then Clarke blinked, and Bellamy turned away, gasping for air. "Gotta pee," he said, rising quickly and moving towards the closest patch of woods.
By the time he got back, Clarke had rolled up the blankets and pulled out some rations from their packs.
"We should eat," she said, not quite looking a him. "You never know when we might get another chance."
He nodded his agreement, sitting beside her in the dirt to devour a couple of protein bars. Fervently hoping she wouldn't notice his discomfort. That he wasn't wearing it like a cloak.
"They'll come tonight," Clarke said confidently. "Luna won't take the chance of not knowing who's found them and what they might want."
Bellamy's eyes closed briefly as he gave voice to his greatest fear.
"And what if they do come, Clarke, see it's us, and refuse to take us to Luna? What if they won't tell us anything about Octavia? What if...what if she's there, but they keep me from her?"
He jumped up, suddenly too agitated to sit still. Clarke reached up, tugged on his hand.
"Sit down, Bellamy. Please. The only thing we can get from Luna is information. And we will. Octavia...if she was ever there...she's gone."
"How do you know?" he asked, reluctantly letting her pull him down.
"Because where's Octavia's horse? She would have left it here, tethered. Close to food and water."
She waved her hand all around the clearing, letting that sink in.
"So we're already too late." Despair was beginning to gnaw at him.
Clarke grabbed his hand again, her face determined.
"We're not. Luna will have some idea where she's headed next. I know it."
"And if she won't see us?"
"Then I'll beg, Bellamy. Because if she won't see us, that's on me. I'm the one she's angry with."
"That's bullshit! We all brought ALIE to the rig. We didn't mean to, didn't know we were doing it..."
But Clarke wasn't having it.
"Yeah, but I'm the one who tried to force Luna to take the flame. To become the Commander when she'd already refused. I-I assaulted her with it...and she kicked my ass."
Clarke shook her head, her face full of sorrow and regret.
"I was no better than ALIE."
Bellamy grabbed her shoulders. "Clarke, don't be stupid. You were trying to save everyoneon the planet. ALIE was..."
"Trying to save everyone, too, Bellamy. But she's just a machine. She doesn't understand about things like free will." Clarke paused, raised her chin, accepted her self-censure. "But I don't have that excuse."
Her breath escaped on a long sigh.
"It was unforgivable. But I just wanted...I'd promised..." She stopped suddenly, glanced at him warily.
"Yeah, I know, Clarke. You'd promised Lexa."
She shook her head. "No, not Lexa, Titus. But I owed her that much at least. After everything."
Clarke's eyes filled with tears, and as much as he'd despised Lexa, Bellamy knew that Clarke had cared for her. His chest was tight with sympathy as he recalled his own anger and grief when Gina died.
"Hey, hey," he said softly, drawing her in close. "It wasn't your fault, what happened to Lexa."
"But it was," she said, her tears spilling over as she held onto him. "Titus tried to kill me, with a gun he'd gotten ahold of somewhere."
"A gun? Lexa was shot?" Bellamy was startled. He knew Murphy had been there at the time, but Murphy had never explained how it had gone down. And Bellamy hadn't asked.
"Yes," Clarke nodded, the tears falling freely now. "He was trying to get rid of me, and he shot her by accident. And it was so stupid, Bellamy," she looked up at him, and he could see the utter frustration on her face. "I was leaving. I'd already told her I was going back to Arkadia. We'd already...said goodbye."
"So then why...?"
"Titus hated me because he thought she was making decisions for my sake, decisions he didn't agree with. That she was putting my people ahead of her own."
She gave a tiny shrug.
"And maybe he was right. But I had to try any way I could to keep our people safe. That's why I'd stayed there in the first place. Agreed to be...Wanheda. Lexa said if I showed her people that she had Wanheda on her side, it would strengthen her coalition. And everyone in Arkadia would be safe. She promised me."
"But it didn't turn out that way," he reminded her.
Clarke shook her head.
"No. But she tried, Bellamy. She really did. But some of them - like Nia, Roan's mother - were working against her behind her back. And when I saw that, how alone she really was, even when she was surrounded by all her people, I felt..." She paused
"You felt what?"
She sighed heavily. "I felt like I could see her differently. And that surprised me. Because when I first got to Polis, I hated her because she'd left us at the mountain. Forced us to do...what we did."
She looked at him squarely, her expression earnest, as if her whole being was heavy with the burden of trying to make him see how it had been.
"But I just couldn't hold onto the hate, Bellamy. It was eating away at me. Hurting me as much as I tried to hurt her. So after a while, I just decided to...let it go."
He nodded slowly, trying to understand. "So when things started to go wrong for her, you felt...sympathy."
"Not at first." She shook her head briefly. "At first I was just worried that the coalition would fall apart. That there'd be all-out war, and that we - all of our people - would be caught in the middle. That's what I was trying to tell you when I came to Arkadia."
Bellamy sighed, recalled his anger, his feelings of betrayal that she'd stayed in Polis. That she'd ever left at all. And was appalled when he suddenly remembered his own ill-considered action.
"I should never have tried to keep you there against your will."
"I'm sorry you felt you needed to. But I had to get back. It was the only way I could be sure they wouldn't attack after..."
Bellamy cut her off.
"After we killed her army."
His lips pressed together in a tight line. "That was my anger, Clarke, my hate. I let it build up and I couldn't find a way to let it go, like you did. I told myself I was doing the right thing, keeping Arkadia safe. But really, I just went back to being a monster."
He knew he could never find the words to make her understand why he'd followed Pike down that path. Hell, he couldn't even explain it to himself.
"But that attack wasn't just you, Bellamy. You weren't even the one who gave the order. That was Pike. He was the chancellor, and he must have thought it was necessary..."
He shook his head, refusing Clarke's attempt to let him off the hook.
"No. I could have stopped it. I could have...and I should have." He let out a breath in frustration. It was a conversation he'd had with himself a million times before. "But I didn't."
"You can't know that." She was insistent. "No one can say for sure what might have happened if you'd tried to stop Pike."
"I do know it," he said with finality, his insides twisted at all the ways he'd let them down. Let Clarke down.
He closed his eyes on the thought, and when he opened them a moment later, he noted the reds and oranges that were coloring the sky.
"It's going to be dark soon. I think we should get the signal fire going."
XXXXXXXXXX
Where the night before they'd settled in front of the fire side by side, in easy companionship, now they sat across from each other in near silence as they took turns feeding the flames. It was as if they'd gone back to that day in Arkadia, when they'd been so at odds.
Bellamy's chest felt heavy with unhappiness as he considered how unworthy he was of Clarke's regard. It was no wonder she sat so far away.
"So is this how it's going to be, then?"
Her voice, reaching him from across the flickering firelight, was tight and flat.
"Huh?" He looked up, surprised.
She didn't try to hide her frustrated sigh.
"I mean...are we not speaking?"
The constriction in Bellamy's chest loosened ever so slightly.
"I'm speaking to you," he said. "But I thought maybe you didn't have anything to say to me. After...everything I did."
The firelight reflected back on Clarke's face and he watched as the corners of her mouth turned up. She shook her head, at the same time uncoiling herself from her position on the ground and crawling around the fire on all fours until she was sitting right next to him.
"Much better," she said, grabbing a branch from his pile and tossing it into the fire.
Clarke was silent for a few moments, and he could almost sense her gathering herself. She cleared her throat.
"Bellamy, what you did...you and Pike and the others...I know you couldn't have known those warriors were there to protect you. And after what I let happen at TonDC, how could I judge you? So that day - the day I came to Arkadia to talk to you - all I could think about was how I could fix it so everything didn't get worse."
She paused, and he could feel her choosing her words.
"I expected you to see things my way, but that wasn't fair of me. I know that now. I'd been gone all that time, and I didn't understand how much everything had changed. So many things had happened that I didn't know anything about. So many new people had come into your lives. Everyone from Farm Station. Pike." She sighed softly. "Gina."
When she continued, her voice was so soft he could barely hear her, even though she was only inches away.
"And all that time I was so busy thinking about strategies and politics, about how much I needed you to persuade everyone in Arkadia that I had all the answers, that I never once thought about how you might feel. That it would seem to you like I had...abandoned you."
Clarke stopped, took a breath, as though gathering strength to force out her next words. "I just didn't expect your anger, Bellamy. Maybe I should have, but I didn't. So there we were, and not only wouldn't you help me, but it felt like we weren't even friends anymore. Like we might never be friends again."
Her voice trailed off on a sigh or a sob. He wasn't sure which.
"And I hated it."
Bellamy glanced at her out of the corner of his eye, but she was still staring into the fire, still mindlessly tossing in kindling as she spoke.
"Clarke," he began, distressed, but she wasn't finished.
"No, I understand. We've already had that conversation. In fact," she gave him the tiniest of smiles and nodded out towards the water, "I think it was right down there on that beach."
Yeah, he remembered, too. That anger he'd found a way to let go of. In truth, the wonder wasn't that he'd let go of his anger at Clarke, but that he'd ever been able to hold onto it for as long as he had.
"So," she continued after a moment, "when you wouldn't listen, wouldn't help, I needed a friend because I knew that I couldn't fix everything by myself. And the most important thing was to keep you all safe."
He got it in an instant. "And Lexa was that friend."
"Yeah," she nodded. "She was there for me, and I could see how alone she really was, even surrounded by all her people." She sighed. "So we were there for each other. I wasn't sure if I trusted her, but I needed her. And...she'd promised."
"And that's when...you fell for her." He knew it was true, knew he had to acknowledge it, but his throat was so dry when he said the words that he wasn't sure how he'd got them out.
He caught the edge of her wry little smile. "That's when I let myself fall for her. Before that, I'd...kept away."
She finally tore her eyes away from the flames, turned to look at him.
"I know you didn't like her. Why would you? But in so many ways, she was a lot like me. Inside, she was just a girl, doing the best she could to hold it all together with everyone against her."
Bellamy almost choked, biting his tongue hard to stop himself from protesting that Lexa was nothing like Clarke. That she didn't have anything like Clarke's generous heart. That Clarke could never be like the duplicitous, self-serving Lexa. He held back only because he knew she wouldn't want to hear it. But he couldn't stop one question from slipping out.
"And what about Mt. Weather? Did she ever say she was sorry for leaving us there to die after we were the ones who made it possible for her to get her people out? Maybe even admit she was wrong?"
He tried like hell to keep the bitterness out of his voice, but he wasn't sure he succeeded.
A moment passed and Bellamy thought she wasn't going to answer, but finally Clarke gave a quick shake to her head.
"She couldn't, Bellamy. She was brought up in this culture that told her that everything the Commander did was right. She was never wrong. And she should never be sorry."
Bellamy turned to her, astonished.
"And you could have been with someone like that? If she'd lived?"
He couldn't imagine it. Not for himself and not for Clarke.
But there was no hesitation now as Clarke shook her head again.
"No. It was never going to be like that with us. I loved her," he could hear the sorrow as she said the words, "but I knew we could never be together. Not really. That she wasn't that person for me."
"That person? What does that mea..."
But he never got a chance to finish his question.
There were at least a half dozen of them, and they'd come up the beach so quickly and so silently that he and Clarke were surrounded before they ever realized they weren't alone. Bellamy breathed in and focused on remaining still.
"More Skaikru," the tallest one said, his tone a cross between resignation and contempt.
Bellamy heard the "more" and his heartbeat quickened. Octavia must have been there. He spoke up quickly.
"I know Luna's angry at us, but I need to know what's happened to my sister. If you could just give Luna my message, we can wait..."
"Luna's been expecting you," the tall Floukru said drily, pulling out two familiar vials.
"Drink," he commanded, handing one to each of them.
As he had the first time, Bellamy focused his eyes and his mind on Clarke as he tipped the contents into his mouth and took the next step towards finding out exactly what had become of Octavia.
