"What is it?" Christian asks; his tone changed significantly, his eyes blazing with concern.

"Nothing" I mutter as I search my mind for more. I can't believe what I'm remembering. What the hell? I said no. I said no. But… Paul wouldn't have- Paul couldn't have-. Oh my God I'm so confused. I fight the overwhelming urge to cry.

"You said you remembered something" he says as he places his hand on my shoulder.

"Yeah- um, I did… I remembered that I have an appointment" I lie, as I slink away from him.

"An appointment?"

"Yes, a doctor's appointment in like a half hour, I should get ready…"

"I can take you" he offers as he continues to look at me skeptically.

"That won't be necessary" I respond coldly. "It will be boring." I desperately want him to leave; I don't want to let what I'm remembering slip, not until I'm sure what it all means. Right now what I'm remembering looks bad, and if Christian knew, I don't even know what he'd do to Paul.

"Where's the office?"

"What?"

"The office… your doctor's office."

"Right" I reply scattered. "My doctor's office. It's um, on Fifth Ave."

"I'll be passing by there…"

"Christian, I can handle it!" I snap. "Could you please just give me some space."

"Space?" he asks dejected. "You want space from me?"

"Yes!" I yell a tears form in my eyes. "I need a minute to figure out what all of this means!"

"All of what, Ana?" he asks desperately.

"I- I can't go with you. Not now. I'm sorry" I say as I struggle to pull myself together. The Red Room of Pain is the last thing I need right now. And Christian…. Dealing with this, while I'm with him only reminds me of what I can never have with him. This is never going to be a normal relationship where I can tell him everything and he can comfort him while I'm upset. He's a Dom, and he wants me to be a Sub, and I can't do that.

"You were fine a moment ago" he says worriedly. "Then you said you remembered something…"

Shit, he's putting it together. What do I say?

"Remembering the doctor's appointment snapped me back to reality" I lie. "It reminded me of what we you can never give me, and what I can never give you. I just need some time to think."

"Alright" he sighs. "I'll go, but I'll be back Ana. I have no intentions of letting you go this easily."

His words are comforting in an odd way. Part of me wants him to let me go, it'd make all of this a hell of a lot easier, but another part of me wants him….badly. And I think that dark, dark part of me might even be willing to be his submissive.

But at the moment, all I really want is to remember what happened with Paul. It is so frustrating having a memory just out of reach. I sit on the couch and try hard to clear my mind completely, and slowly more and more comes back to me.

"Christian Grey is an idiot" he drunkenly laughs. "If I had you… God, I'd never let you go."

"I don't want to talk about Christian" I sigh as I pour myself yet another glass of wine.

"I think you've had enough Steele" he teases as he quickly snatches the glass away from me. Wine splatters all over me, and all over my couch.

"Hey!" I snap, trying to sound angry, but my mood soon changes to playful. "Give that back" I sequel as I lean over to grab it from him. As I gaze up at him our eyes meet.

"Make me" he challenges as he begins to kiss me. He soon moves over and lays me on the couch, hovering over me. He begins to kiss me again this time more urgently and it suddenly occurs to me what he's after.

"I'm not sure if I want this" I say weakly as I try to wiggle away from him.

"It's okay" he slurs. "I won't hurt you."

"But… no" I sigh as my vision starts to blur, and I feel dizzy. So dizzy.

"Paul- please."

"It's okay baby" he breathes as I feel him tug at my panties.

"Paul, no!" I say adamantly.

"Do you have any idea how long I've dreamed of doing this" he moans.

I try to fight him off, I try to remember what Ray taught me to do in a situation like this, but in my drunken state I feel so weak.

"Just give into it Ana" he says slowly.

"No" I protest as I push my hand against his chest roughly.

"Come on" he laughs. He's laughing. He's actually laughing. I am so angry.

"No" I yell as I struggle to kick him, but he's got me pinned. "You… you bastard."

I shift uncomfortably and wrap my arms against my body as I try to fight the flashback. I remember now. How did I forget? How did I forget that this happened? It was so important and I just let it slip right out of my mind. My God, I apologized to him. This whole time I've felt so guilty when I'm the one who was…

I hear a banging at the front door and my heart stops. Is it him? If it is… I don't know what I'll do. Part of me is afraid of him, but another part of me wants to kill him.

I open the door, but it isn't Paul, it's Christian and he looks upset.

"Ana" he says worriedly. "There wasn't any doctor's appointment was there?"

"No Christian, there wasn't" I answer honestly as I take a sharp intake of breath and tears form in my eyes.

"Talk to me" he begs.

I nod solemnly as I open the door. I need to talk to someone about this and honestly, for some strange reason talking to Christian feels right.

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