Aunt Sweeney Chapter 4: Angelina's problem: special edition
Have YOU got a problem? If so, just let Sweeney Todd, the world's best agony aunt and his friends (and enemies) solve it!
Hi Mr Sweeney Todd and Co (especially Mrs.L)
There is this boy that I like a lot. Problem he has a girl. She isn't even pretty. She is boring and goody two shoes. Ugh. Anyways how do I get him to see spontaneity is the way to go? Oh there is this other one but he just makes me laugh. Should I forget the one with the boring girlfriend or go for the single funny boy. Both are cute.
Love,
Angelina
Sweeney's reply: Do I really need to say it? KILL HIS GIRLFRIEND! SHE MUST DIE! DIE! DIE! DIE! MWAHAHAHA!
(Toby: Somebody forgot his medication…)
Mrs Lovett's reply: Just go for the single guy. Or simply wait. DO NOT try and break up the guy you like and his girlfriend, or you're just heading for a cheap sitcom.
Wait, love, wait…
Destiny will intervene,
Um, just, um… look for fate,
And…uh…WHAT RHYMES WITH INTERVENE??
(Toby: nothing much…
Mrs L: -breaks down sobbing-
Toby: did anyone remember their medication today?)
Anthony's reply: Well, all my self-help books say – follow your dreams, Angelina! Just do whatever your heart says!
Johanna's reply: You are sooooo lucky! You've met two boys under about 100 years old in your life! All I've got is Anthony!
Judge Turpin's reply: Just check which one is richest. If they're around equal, hmm… eeney-meeney-miny-mo works quite well, in my experience.
Beadle Bamford's reply: Go after both of them! That way, if one of them doesn't like you, you can just go for the other one. And if neither of them like you… I'm single… -winkwink-
(every girl within 10 miles: -shudder- eeeeew…
Lucy's reply: Hey, I've just figured out why my last name is Barker! It's because I'm barking mad!
Pirelli's reply: hmm… which one is hottest? You said they were both cute, but which is hot, or, if you prefer it, who looks more like ME?
Toby's reply: Don't ask me! Do I look like I'm getting any? Flip a coin for all I care!
(Mr T: MWAHAHAHAHA! –JUMPS ON TOP OF TOBY WITH A RAZOR- DIE! DIE! DIEDIEDIEDIEDIIIIIIIIIIE!
Mrs L: oh mo! Mr T did forget his li'l pills!
Toby: I would like to take this moment to say, told you s – ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh! –Mr T stabs him and blood squirts everywhere-
Jo: cool! I always wanted to watch this movie!
Out of nowhere, a teenage girl appears. She has long black hair, big brown eyes, very pale skin and is laughing at the gurgling noises Toby is making as he dies. Everything instantly stops: Mrs Lovett stops crying, Toby stops dying (in fact, all the blood vanishes and Mr Todd's razor is strangely poised above his throat but unable to move), Pirelli stops combing his moustache and Lucy stops mooing. The strange, gothic-looking girl speaks:
Girl: Hahaha! Ok, ok… quit it now. If anyone wants to know who I am, I am –dramatic pause- the writer! I control all of you and can make you do whatever I want. In fact, I am god. But you can call me Bella. –smiles creepily-
Mrs l: f you're so important, can you save Toby for me –puppydog eyes- pretty please with vodka on top?
Bella: -eyes light up at the mention of vodka. She is, after all, under the legal age for drinking, and therefore thinks anything vaguely alcoholic is pure gold- Vodka… mmm…
Mrs l: …
Bella: No! I am bored, therefore someone will die!
Mrs L: So you're going to KILL OFF Toby?!
Bella: Good point, I like Toby… amazing opportunities to weird people out. Plus he looks very cool in black and white. Yoink! –steels Sweeney's razor. (Why does he let her? She's special, that's why) - Pirelli! Come! –snaps fingers-
Pirelli: -trots over like an obedient dog-
Bella: I've wanted to do this for so long! -holds up razor in front of Pirelli's face and… shaves his moustache.- and… -slits Pirelli's miserable throat. Blood splatters on her whitish skin, looking like ketchup on fish fingers, but less breadcrumby. Beadle Bamford faints- Mwahahahaha! –turns to Sweeney- well, you're evil. You don't really deserve all the fun…
Pirelli: -dies again-
Bella: and now… drop dead, Anthony!
Anthony: ok –drops dead-
Jo: NOOOOOOOOOOOOO! ANTHONY! NOOOOOOOO!
Bella: You too.
Jo: NOOOOOOOOOOOo – -drops dead-
-yup, they are defiantly dead… you ca tell by the dark red puddle of blood spreading across the floor, which is odd because they're not actually injured-
Bella: just kidding!
Anthony+Jo: -jump to feet- ok!
Bella: and now… I'm bored with messing with you! -vanishes-
Everyone: …
Mr T: what just happened…? –looks at empty hand- HEY SHE STOLE MY SHINY THING!
Mrs L: Didn't I give you like, ten of them?
Mr T: I traded most of them for rum.
Mrs L: 0.o
Mr T: GIVE ME BACK MY FRIEND!
-in the distance, a strange voice echoes to the aunts…-
Bella: Mwahahahaha!
Do YOU want a problem solved by Sweeney Todd and his loyal team of Aunts? If so, just hit the little blue button that says 'Go' next to the one that says 'Submit Review' and leave a letter! The Agony Aunts will reply as soon as possible (unless you're boring)!
