"Three days? You kept me sedated for three days?"

Kaidan could hardly keep the volume of his voice in check. When he'd woken up doctor Chakwas had not exactly been forthcoming each time he'd asked her about where they were or what time it was. It was only after he'd threatened to use his SPECTRE-status to override the medical restrictions that had been imposed on him EDI had been the one to fill him in on their little conspiracy.

"Don't give me that look or that tone of voice, Major. You needed it. I made the call and the Normandy's pilot, who's your second-in-command since neither Shepard nor you ever bothered to actively implement the unofficial chain of command, seconded my decision. Furthermore, the ship's AI, also known as EDI, recommended this course of action."

"The doctor is correct. Had she chosen to not follow my recommendation I would have asked Jeff to actively take command of the ship. Had he not complied I would have asserted my absolute control of the Normandy and would have confined you to the medbay."

"Wait, what? What the hell gives you, or you-" the angry biotic pointed an accusing finger at the doctor, "the right to keep me in a coma for three days?"

"The right to do what I deem necessary for the health and safety of this crew!"

In spite of the doctor's smaller stature she managed to not only shut Kaidan up, but also poked him in the chest with such force that he had to take a step backwards to maintain his balance.

"You've been nothing but a pig-headed fool ever since we ran from the shockwave that almost destroyed this ship. You've been holed up inside that stubborn head of yours for so long that you've lost sight of the things that still matter. WE matter, Kaidan! We are your friends and we care about you. And if you can't be bothered to take care of yourself, we'll do it for you, whether you like it-" again she poked him in the chest, "-or NOT."

The silence that fell wasn't exactly awkward, but it wasn't a comfortable one either. It seemed to drag on forever, until Kaidan expelled the air he'd unconsciously been holding in. His whole posture changed; where before he was standing straight, now he hung his shoulders and stared at the ground. The shame and guilt he felt made his cheeks burn. He clenched and unclenched his fists while he tried to come up with something, anything, to say that would make this better, but he found himself unable to. What was there to say? She was right and he knew it. He'd been nothing but an egotistical bastard ever since Shepard, ever since he-

"Don't."

This time, when the doctor touched his chest, it wasn't to poke him, but to place her hand over his heart. She splayed her fingers, then lifted her hand to take Kaidan's chin between thumb and index finger.

"Look at me, Kaidan. This, all of this, the anger, the sorrow, the guilt, the shame, everything you feel… Don't you see we've felt it as well? Joker, Tali, Jack, Wrex, Grunt, even Zaeed, even that stuck-up Protean, all of us, we've felt it. We feel it. But no one feels it more acutely, more deeply, than you. Like I said before, this isn't something you can do on your own. So, when a patient-" Kaidan rolled his eyes, but Chakwas only emphasized the word again, "-when a patient behaves in a way that's counterproductive to his mental or physical health, I take action. Which in this case meant keeping you sedated for three days. And it appears that was an even better decision than any of us could have foreseen."

The look in the doctor's eyes, the way she alluded to something else, made Kaidan weary at what would come next. Three days. That meant the Normandy had probably been stationed at Earth or the Citadel – if that enormous construct was still present in Earth's proximity – for most of that time. He also realized that the involuntary bed rest did have a positive effect on him. Even though he still felt a kind of mental exhaustion, he felt better physically than he had ever since he, ever since they had lost Shepard. He straightened his back.

"What's wrong?"

Chakwas let go of his chin and smiled.

"Now there's the Major I've come to know and appreciate. It's not as bad as you think, but…"

"You are a hero, Major," came EDI's voice from the Normandy's speakers.

"All of us are heroes, but the public has singled you out as the greatest hero. In part due to the Alliance constantly reminding the rest of the universe that you have been a part of Shepard's crew from the beginning and that you are the second human SPECTRE who played a pivotal role in defeating the Reaper threat. They have made you into their PR-icon. I cannot fault them for doing so; the other races have treated humans as vermin, a threat or second-class citizens ever since they became a part of the galactic community. Of course there have been exceptions, but even the most benign of races has always viewed you as more of a nuisance than anything else."

"Yeah, I know all that. So, this is good, right? Us being seen as more than the newcomers?"

"In a way yes, but-"

"What EDI's been trying to build up to is that for the past three days every single member of this crew has been, well, assaulted by members of the press of every sentient race out there. Turians, Solarians, Asari, Elcor, even a couple of Krogan reporters – although I suspect they're Wrex' way of keeping an eye on things – you name it and it's waiting for us right outside the docking port. And most of all they're waiting for you, Major. EDI's handled the requests pouring in admirably. She told everyone that you were critically injured during the last fight and had to recover. However, the moment you show your face, the moment you step foot outside the Normandy's airlock-"

"-you will have to face a wall of reporters. And I haven't even mentioned the numerous requests or rather summons, from Alliance command. The Council. The-"

"Alright, alright, I get it. I'm famous. That's, that's not exactly what I expected upon my homecoming, but it'll have to do. I understand why you did what you did, doc. EDI. I'm still not too happy about it, but I understand."

"I hope you do. Because out there it'll be hard for us to help you face what's probably the worst enemy you've ever faced."

At that Kaidan couldn't help but laugh. It was a harsh, short laugh, but it made him feel better than he'd felt in the previous days.

"Have they harassed anyone?"

"Hah! No one dares to come close when Grunt, Zaeed and Wrex accompany whoever goes outside. I even heard that our baby Krogan has head-butted quite a few people. Even some C-Sec officers, or so I've been told."

"Good. Well," Kaidan took a deep breath and instinctively checked his implants, "let's get this over with. The longer I wait, the less inclined I feel to go out there."
"EDI and I thought you might feel that way. If you go to your cabin and put on your armor we'll make sure we have everything in place by the time you come to the airlock."

The way Chakwas smiled at him made Kaidan suspect that she and EDI, and maybe some of the others as well, had been planning for this moment for quite a while.

"What are the two of you up to?"

"Trust us," EDI said with a kind of friendly smugness in her tone that he'd never thought he'd hear come from a synthetic lifeform, "we'll make sure you will survive this ordeal."


EDI's words stayed with him all the way up to his cabin. Once he was stood outside the door to the room he loved and hated at the same time Kaidan swallowed a few times before he stepped close enough for the door to open for him. Home. He was home. This was his home. It was a small room aboard a starship, barely big enough for two people, filled with memorabilia that reminded him about their time together wherever he looked. The memories didn't come slowly; they assaulted him, threatened to overwhelm him. He felt dizzy, swayed from side to side, with his hands reaching for the nearest wall blindly.

"Don't," he said, his voice soft, but firm.

The word was aimed at himself, at the imaginary Shepard that shimmered into life in the corner of his eyes, at EDI who was undoubtedly monitoring him.

"Don't."

He needed this. He needed to go through this, to face this on his own. He had to if he were to go out there, if he were to face the reality of a galaxy without the Reaper threat, without Shepard. The real Shepard. The room stayed silent. After a few more moments in which Kaidan slowed his heartbeat by breathing slowly, purposefully, the dizziness left him and he was able to step far enough inside for the doors to close behind him.

"Kaidan…"

The voice was soft, filled with understanding, with the kind of pain Kaidan didn't want to deal with, not right now. He shook his head as he staggered forward, intent on putting on his suit. His implants flared up, as they always did when he was in distress. At the edge of his vision an insubstantial Shepard, more ghost-like than before, followed his every move.

"You're not real, Shepard. Please, leave me alone. It's over. It's done. You're not here. You're not even out there. That, that thing that calls itself 'Shepard' is a sham. I talked to it. I felt it, inside my mind. It was wrong somehow. It even threatened me with indoctrination! Does that sound like Shepard to you?"

The moment the words left his mouth Kaidan realized how stupid that question was. He'd just admitted that this Shepard wasn't real, that he was just a figment of his imagination, of his desire to not let go of the man he loved more than life itself. He gritted his teeth and turned away, tried to calm himself, but to no avail. He felt how the anger made his blood boil. The more he thought about that other Shepard, the more he realized how deeply wrong it all was.

"It's not you, Shepard. IT'S NOT YOU!"

Kaidan whirled around and lashed out at the incorporeal Shepard. His biotics tore the image to shreds, along with the glass casing that held Shepard's collection of model ships. The outside layer of the carbon-bonded plexiglass of the fish tank cracked. At the same time the lights in the cabin flickered, then went dark. It took several moments for the lights to come back on, along with the stuttering sound of EDI's voice, calling his name over the intercom.

"-idan, Kaidan, answer me! Kaidan? What happened?"

Along with the power EDI's internal sensors had suffered major damage, making it impossible for her to assess the situation. Kaidan could actually hear fear in her voice. He sunk to his knees as he took deep breaths to calm himself, to regain control of his biotics. This was getting out of hand. His sorrow, his desperation had all but left him, but the anger that had filled the hole that was left inside him wasn't something he could call a step forward.

"I, I'm sorry, EDI, I…"

His eyes widened as he took in the damage he'd caused.

"I think it would be best if I were to stay in Anderson's old apartment."

He didn't want to say his name, not here, not now.

(say my name)

Kaidan closes his eyes and cursed silently. He didn't need this! He needed a clear head, a strong mind, he needed focus.

(i can give you focus, purpose, like i have done, like i have always done)

"No, NO!"

He shook his head. His fingers clawed at the cold, unyielding floor. If he wanted to he could bend and break and crush the steel beneath him, disappear into the darkness, forget about everything and-

"… Kaidan?"

It was EDI's voice, but closer than before. A cool hand touched his face, another his shoulder. There was no prick of a needle, no warmth this time, only a friend's concern bleeding into him through her touch. It always amazed him how sensitive he was after one of his biotic outbursts.

"I'm, I'm okay, I've got it. It's under control now."

"Yes. For now. But I think you are correct. A temporary shore leave in Sh- Anderson's apartment might be beneficial to both you and the rest of the crew."

"Yeah. Unless you want the whole Normandy to resemble this mess."

He gestured at the cracked glass, at the broken models scattered all over the cabin.

"I am certain you would not let it come to that. Jeff wouldn't let you."

The thought of the Normandy's pilot trying to stop him, brittle bones and all, actually managed to elicit a soft snort from the second human Spectre.

"Well, before it comes to that, I think I'll take that shore leave."

"Good."

Kaidan felt an affectionate pat on his shoulder as EDI got up and offered the Major a hand.

"Do you want my assistance to suit up?"

At that he couldn't help but chuckle. He took her hand, then stood up. Only then did he realize that not only were some of his personal belongings missing, but the fish tank was also completely empty.

"EDI, did you and doctor Chakwas already plan for me to stay at the Citadel?"

The incredibly advanced synthetic life form that currently occupied a humanoid platform put her hands on her hips and gave him a look that he could only describe as a kind of mock exasperation.

"Of course not. That would mean we had this planned all along, wouldn't it? And I am not the kind of AI that likes to be damaged. Although Jeff did suggest we cou-"

"Alright! That's quite enough of that. I don't know what you talked about with the commander, but I'm kind of an old-fashioned guy. Keep private things private and all that, you know?"

"That was a joke, Major."

Now it was Kaidan's turn to give EDI an exasperated look.

"Okay, let's all have a laugh at the unstable biotic's expense. Go on then, go and, and conspire with the doc. I'll meet you at the airlock in ten minutes. I take it my clothes are on their way to the apartment already?"

EDI, who was already standing in front of the cabin's doors, turned around and did something so incredibly human that Kaidan wasn't sure it actually happen; she winked.

"They were delivered three hours ago."

The doors slid shut and Kaidan was left alone, amidst the remains of his outburst.

"Women," he muttered as he began to change into his battle gear.

"I heard that," came EDI's voice over the intercom.

"I know you did," was Kaidan's smug reply, which resulted in blessed silence.

Even though he cared a great deal about EDI and the rest of his crew, he wouldn't miss the feeling of being monitored 24-7. No sir, he thought with a shadow of a grin on his face, not at all.