Chapter Four
I search the room, can't help but stare,
If I told him, would he care?
I see his eyes, he is so strong,
Yet I feel the need to ask what's wrong,
I look down at my watch, it's the only adornment abnegation wear. That's because it's practical, but it has a grey band and a glass face. If I tilt it ever so slightly I can almost see my reflection, but I don't. I think I've had enough of looking at strangers for one day. Instead I realize that I'm home five minutes early. That's not good. It's bad. Dad is going to ask questions, so I try and walk slowly.
I walk down my street. The houses are all the same size, shape and the same shade of grey cement. It's a wonder we don't get lost in this place more often really. The lawns are onion grass, there are only a few windows, and there are no flowers and only practical trees. Although the simplicity is comforting, I can't help but wonder why everything always has to be so gloomy and grey. I begin to wonder what selflessness has to do with wearing dark colours. I guess the more unhappy we look the more selfless we look, but I can't help but think that it's not true at all. Even I knew that helping others makes you feel better.
To avoid suspicion I wait for Caleb on the front steps of our house. It doesn't take long, soon I see his tall steady body walking down the street. I hear laughter too. At high school we don't tend to laugh that much to draw attention to ourselves but at home jokes are encouraged to create unity. But the sarcastic jokes that I like are not. Once again it acts as a reminder to me that I don't fit in. That I will never fit in and it makes me wonder whether or not I want to spend the rest of my life faking it just so that I can be with my family. In the end it's either our family or it's us.
"Beatrice!" says Caleb approaching me. "Are you all right?" he almost whispers to the point where I'm not sure if I have imagined him saying it or not.
"I'm fine" I say shrugging. He is with Susan and her brother Robert, and Susan is giving me a strange look. Like I'm not the person she thought I was this morning. Like she knows something that I don't.
"When the test was over I got sick. I think it was the liquid they gave us" I try to smile convincingly "but I feel better now". Caleb's eyes narrow at me, he doesn't seem convinced.
"Did you two take the bus today?" I ask to change the conversation.
"Yes" she replies, "our father had to work late, he said we needed to spend some time with ourselves alone before the test tomorrow."
"Your welcome to come over to our place later if you'd like" invites Caleb politely.
"Thank-you" says Caleb smiling.
Robert raises an eyebrow at me and I suddenly feel like I'm going to be sick again. The flirting is bad enough between Susan and Caleb, I don't think I could handle it if someone else started flirting around here too. Instead I pull Caleb's arm inside, drag him away from Susan and shut the door.
He turns to me. His dark eyes looking down at mine knowingly and frowns slightly. In that instant I can see almost an identical comparison to my father. It makes me realise how much he really does belong in abnegation. I can see him living here, learning a trade, marrying Susan and having a family of his own. It will be wonderful but I become sad. I realise that I may never see him again after tomorrow.
"Are you going to tell me the truth now?" he asks.
"The truth" I say. "The truth is difficult and complicated. The truth is that we are not supposed to discuss it and that you're not supposed to ask".
"After all that rule breaking and bending" he says, "this is the one rule you chose to follow, with something so important" he says.
"Tell me yours then" I reply, "tell me what happened to you?" I say. An uncomfortable silence fills the room and I'm suddenly very glad that I didn't tell him anything. He just looks at me. I understand why though. The choosing is very deeply intermediately private. It's like exposing all your strengths and your weaknesses to the world.
"Just don't tell our parents what happened to me?" I say almost pleadingly. It takes him a few seconds before he nods but I know that I've done the right thing. There's no point in making my parents worried if I don't even know what I'm going to choose. I just hope that tomorrow they won't be upset about my decision.
I just want to go upstairs and lie down, but my brother made breakfast, my mum made the lunches and now it's time for me to make dinner. So I walk into the kitchen and start cooking. A minute later Caleb joins me. I grit my teeth. An uncontrollable rage fills me. He helps me with everything. I know he is trying to be nice, but it almost feels as if he is doesn't think I can do anything on my own. On top of that his inborn selflessness hurts me too. He is such a natural and it just reminds me how much I don't fit in. I cook the peas on the stove, while he defrosts four pieces of chicken. It's almost like a feast tonight. We don't normally eat so much meat. But tonight is special.
The dinner is ready by the time my parent's get home. My father drops his bag at the door and kisses my head making me feel terrible. "How did the test go?" he asks.
"Fine" I reply thinking how right that tattooed lady was to say that I couldn't get candor.
"I heard there was an upset with one of the tests" my mother says. Like my father she also works for the government, but manages the cities improvement projects. She was the one to recruit the volunteers for the aptitude tests.
"Really?" says my father surprised. There is really issues with the aptitude testing.
"Yes" replies my mother "apparently there was a recording issue so one of the tests had to be reported verbally. The recipient had to go home early. Did you hear anything?"
"No" answered Caleb. He smiles at my mother and suddenly I realise that my brother could never be candor either.
We say all hold hands and say grace, giving thanks to god for food, family and friends. I also ask god to help me in making my decision tomorrow and in choosing the path that he wants of me. We don't eat until everyone is served.
"So" my mother says to my father "tell me" she takes his hand and moves a small circle over his knuckles. I can't help but stare. My parents love each other, but rarely show such affection in front of us. They taught us the power of physical contact and since then I have been very unsure of it. "Tell me what's bothering you" she says.
I stare at my plate. I've always been taught not to talk about emotions and looking up at my father it is surprising how I didn't notice how upset he looks before.
"It's been a difficult day at work" he says. "Actually it was Markus who had a difficult day, I shouldn't claim it."
Markus is my father's co-worker, Tobias's father. Both of them are political leaders. The council is supposed to be represented of fifty people. All abnegation. This is because our fraction is regarded as incorruptible with leaders selected based on impeccable character. Each fraction can speak in meeting but ultimately decisions are left up to the council. Markus is particularly powerful and respected.
The system has persisted since the beginning of the peace and has remained this way since. I think people are afraid of what might happen if the system changes. The possibility of war breaking out.
"Is this about the report that Jeanine Matthews released?" my mother asks. Caleb sits up slightly. Jeanine Matthews is Erudite's sole representative, selected based on her IQ score alone. My father complains about her often.
"Yes" replies my father "that arrogant, self-righteous…" My father stops and clears his throat. "It's that report she released attacking Markus's character" I raise my eyebrows.
"What did it say?" I ask.
"Beatrice" my brother insults me for taking at the dinner table. It makes my cheeks go red. I hate it when my brother tells me off.
"It said that his wife died due to his cruelty and abusive nature." Instantly I thought about Tobias and about what he had said while we were looking at the Dauntless and jump from the train. He seems impressed that they could look after and defend themselves and it made me think that perhaps there was some truth in Janine's story after all.
"Cruel? Markus?" my mother says, as if he needs any reminder of his loss.
"I shouldn't be surprised." Says my father, "the erudite has been attacking us with these reports for months". I shouldn't speak again but I can't stop myself.
"Why are they doing this?"
My father looks at me threateningly for having talked out of place again. "You know why" he says, "Because we have something they want. Valuing intelligence above everything leads to a lust for power and that can take men into dark and dangerous places. We should be thankful that we know better" I nod thinking about how I will definitely not be picking Erudite tomorrow. I am my father's daughter in that respect.
After dinner we don't clean up. We're sent to our rooms as we are supposed to keep to ourselves tonight and think carefully about our decision. I can't help but think that it's the opposite thing that I want to do right now. If I could just talk openly to my family perhaps they would allow me to better make up my mind. But I can't and Tori's warning haunts me every time I want to open my mouth and say something. Caleb and I climb the stairs and at the top go into our separate bedrooms.
For a split second he looks back at me. "Beatrice" he says, "We should think of our family….but we must also think of ourselves" he says with an edge to his voice. For a moment I stare at him, I've never heard him say that we should think of ourselves before. I'm so startled by his comment that I say what I'm supposed to and not what I'm really thinking.
"The test's don't have to change our choices".
"Don't they though?" he replies, smiles once and then enters his room.
I stare after him one last time. I see his unmade bed and a stack of books at his desk. He closes the door and I wish I could say something to him. I wish I could tell him what I'm really thinking. But I can't, the idea of admitting that I need his help would be too much to bear. So instead I just walk into my room and close my door. I let myself forget about my problems, tomorrow I decide not today. Today I'm just Beatrice Prior of Abnegation.
