Contrary to popular belief, it was Gaila who came up with the idea to sabotage the test. Sure, Jim thought of it, but he hadn't really planned on doing anything. He really believed he could beat the damned thing fairly. But when Gaila offhandedly suggested rigging it, it triggered Jim's old instincts that hadn't quite died yet. He talked it over with her late into the night, a bottle of Orion brandy between them. He kissed her goodnight and both of them were grinning when he left.
For the past year, he had worked his ass off. He completed all of his classes, for the past three years near the top (if not at the top) of every class. He was given an award for it as well, he was known as a fair instructor in his combat course. He rocked his piloting courses to the extreme that everyone knew he would one day command. It wasn't if Jim kirk made it, it was when.
He spent the year avoiding Spock, teasing Uhura and trying and failing to get her goddamned name. Like previous years he celebrated Bones' birthday dramatically that by their final year, the entire campus knew when Bones was born. He hated it but Jim, who never really got to celebrate his until Amanda, thought it was important to do so. That year, he also celebrated Gaila's birthday, who was becoming his good friend. They went to a poetry reading and played golf on top of the Admiral's building, which ended by accidentally smashing a window in the lab section and making a run for it.
Sometime in the beginning of the year, someone finally got revenge on Admiral Archer. His prized beagle that always accompanied him to class disappeared somehow and while Jim felt bad about the dog in question, he and Bones still had a celebratory drink on the matter. That dog always growled at him, and once tried to bite his leg, Jim was not apologizing.
He finally got the council under control during Christmas break, Adalyn felt assured she could always contact him and Locan seemed happier than before. He had Mikas to thank for that, Jim had no doubt those two now were together. After all, before Jim left Locan had asked him if it would be appropriate. To the people of Reklor, Locan was his concubine, for lack of better wording. It hadn't surprised him, not really, but Jim still felt slightly jealous when he gave his permission for the relationship. He had a light scar on his hand to prove his respect for his most prized general.
For some reason, that last year past the fastest. Jim was now okay in his workload, he wasn't too overwhelmed, he didn't pour over books in the library to help him understand the wording, the regulations, the formulas. It seemed that after two years of hard work, the third year he found his footing. That was until, the last term. He heard about it all year, all the years he attend really.
The Korbayashi Maru.
It was a slang term now, made popular by the absolute statistics that no one, no one, ever won. It was a no-win scenario and Jim went into that test knowing it. But that first fail, when he witnessed the screen go black and the alarms going off, all he saw was a Vulcan ship exploding, he heard the screams of burning children, smelt burning flesh. When he got his ship, it would be his responsibility, and he'd be damned if he had to set himself up for failure. He didn't understand the test, why teach Captains that they had to fail? Why teach them to question their instincts right before going into battle? And why the fuck would anyone learn a no-win scenario? Most of these cadets didn't even try this test anymore, they didn't try to save that ship because it was going to be a failure.
Jim ended up at the campus bar. Bones was working on his medical exam, so when someone sat beside him, he was surprised to see both Pike and Moore. He turned his head, surrounded by the captains and said, "I didn't do anything wrong."
Moore snorted and Pike sighed. "Don't worry, we're not here to harass you. I want to know how you're doing?" Jim lifted a brow and said, "Fine." Moore shook his head and said, "Kid. Out with it. You sat in that chair for three hours before you moved. I thought I'd have to comm an ambulance." Jim took a deep breath and said, "I don't like no-win scenarios. It's beatable. In real life, sure the success rate would be slim, I'll give everyone that, but it's doable. To teach cadets that they have to proceed with caution, that's one thing, to teach them not to even bother trying to save a ship, that's bullshit. It's bullshit."
Pike and Moore looked at each other and then back to him. "I believe in you, Jim." Jim looked up at Pike and he continued, "I do. The fact that you didn't give up, that you took this personally, it's means you care. It shows good character on your part. I have faith you'll make a damn good captain one day." Moore nodded and said, "I'd hate to see that day, but I agree with Pike. Hell, if I was a cadet, I'd hate to serve under the other options. Weak, babies."
Jim chuckled but then it really sunk in what they were telling him. He could see it, maybe for the first time, how much these two invested in him. Jim had spent evenings at Pike's house, going over papers and Pike chasing him down just to explain the problem they had argued over nights previously. And Moore, even though he was an ass, he spent his weekends meeting him in pubs and cafe's, they studied together, debated and Moore even got him into the overly-full, Advanced Tactical Analysis course.
He had failed his first test, but sitting there talking to the two people who drove him harder than any other people in his life, he felt comforted, he felt relieved. And he knew he'd challenge it a second time. He knew, too, if he failed again, these two people would be sitting beside him, drinking a toast with him.
He did it just before dawn. It was good to know, he was still just as good at breaking and entering as he was at hacking. The circuits, he had to admit, were amazing. Whoever designed the program was an absolute genius, because it took him a half hour to even see where he needed to place the sub-route and then another forty-five minutes to install it. This person was brilliant and if Jim had been another person, he would have felt guilty for wreaking such beautiful work.
He wasn't though and instead, he practically skipped over to Gaila's.
Jim was nervous when they called in a session. It didn't happen often, in fact in the past three years, it happened twice. So when they called his name, his stomach dropped, he glanced at Bones who gave him an encouraging, confused look and a nod. The man tried to hide his own worry, unsuccessfully.
Cheating.
They were accusing him of cheating.
Jim faced Spock, Amanda's Spock and finally, finally they were made to face one another. Jim's only thought was; 'he's such an ass' and he did his best to control his fear. The argument did nothing but aggravate him and his bond twitched in pain. When Spock took the low blow of calling out his dad, that made Jim freeze. Then Spock told him to accept the fear of knowing he was going to die. Jim had been there and back, and right then he just wanted to hit the damned Vulcan. But a small voice, he couldn't ignore, did agree with him, he knew what Spock had intended, what the test was about, he knew it better than most. He just didn't want to face it. He couldn't.
And then Vulcan's distress signal came in and both of them froze, Jim could practically hear Spock's utter shock and worry. The class was dismissed and Jim was too worried about Amanda to worry about the trial.
"What do you think?" He asked Bones. "He's definitely a bastard. But I like him." Jim gave him a dirty look as they headed out.
The world went to shit after that. His allergies kick in to start with, which he knew was a bad start. Then it clicked, the transmission and the storm, Jim knew exactly what was happening. Pike left, another bad move and it spiked Jim's worry even more. After that he was diving through space, watching as his creation, his own drill he designed when he was fifteen come back out of his dreams to haunt him. He swore that he'd call Jenna and destroy the project after what was happening.
Losing Olsen really got it slammed into his mind, how dangerous this all was.
When Spock told him he was beaming down, Jim couldn't comprehend it.
Vulcan.
Vulcan was being destroyed, crumbling away into nothing. Amanda was down there, Sarek, Tevik and T'Pau, T'Rin, Balev and T'Pala. All those Vulcans he had wished to die, were going to die. All those Vulcans he had been so frightened, so terrified. Gone. Disappearing into nothing.
When they beamed back up, Jim had a moment of honest-to-god relief, only then he saw the closed, stoic expression on Spock's face, his eyes showed how lost he really looked. Without needing it be be said, he knew he just lost Amanda. Jim looked away, utter silence their companion, his bond was still pulsing, harsh and burning, Tevik was closer to his mind in four years. It hurt but Jim knew Tevik was still alive. He felt oddly relieved, and mostly numb.
It was all gone then. His house only a half hour away from Shikahr, Raal, Tevik's home in T'Paal. That house he had seen through their bond, calm and soothing and Tevik's sanctuary. Gol, the Fire Plains and all those beautiful volcanoes. The Le-Matya's were officially extinct, so was T'ethna herbs that would only grow in the Forge. Jim had hated that planet for years, but he had loved it just as much. He had found Amanda there, had celebrated his eighteenth birthday on those sands. He would never get sunburned there again, he would never hike up Mount Seleya, never use his vacations with Amanda by exploring the depths of the sacred temples, only visited by insiders.
Amanda was gone. He would never get to say thank you for everything she had done for him.
He argued with Spock. His mind was killing him, Tevik's lost bonds were echoing and he was already jumpy. He yelled at Spock, he was making the wrong move, Jim knew, knew it with everything in him and he was not going to stand there and let it happen. He fought, and tried to grab Lieutenant Morgan's phaser, he'd stun Spock if he had to, he'd be the bad guy again, but he would not let Pike die. Moore had just perished with the Fleet, so did Gaila, he would not lose Pike as well.
He fought, against two security guards and his own mind, until Spock nerve pinched him.
Meeting Spock, the other Spock was mind-blowing. He really did not need this right then. And when Spock reached for his meld points, Jim backed up. "What are you doing?" "My mind to your mind, one and together." Jim wanted to move but something about the way he spoke or maybe it was Tevik's bond calling him, made him stay. It made him wary but desperate as well.
They broke apart and Jim's emotions flooded to the surface. He couldn't stop his eyes from watering, or look back at Spock. He couldn't believe how deeply Spock's emotions went, and he said, "So you do feel." Somehow, he pictured Spock being Kolinahr Vulcan. He was too calm, too expressionless in the face of losing Amanda and his entire home. He was being too Vulcan for Jim to like him, even now.
Meeting the man who made Archer's beagle disappear made Jim's day. Montgomery Scott was a good sort, Jim knew that off the start. He was brilliant and Jim loved how he talked about engineering. He blamed Bones influence, because he liked the guy right away.
When Spock spoke, for some reason, Jim felt connected, he concentrated intensely, despite the raging stinging pain in his head. "I have to emotionally comprises you...guys?" It felt like going against Amanda for some reason. It felt wrong, but he nodded. He couldn't help staring at the Vulcan as he got ready to beam onto the Enterprise. This man, who felt so connected to him, who had just lost his planet and held the guilt of the world, he looked as if saying goodbye to him was painful. That seeing him was painful. Jim couldn't help but stare, he couldn't imagine a world where he felt that connection to a Vulcan again. But for some strange reason, perhaps the intensity of his eyes, or the meld they had just experienced, Jim trusted his word. Jim trusted him.
He knew how to anger people. He knew instinctively how to get under their skins. It was what made him good at charming people, he knew what they wanted to hear and of course what they didn't. He knew what to use with Spock. And he let his own anger, his own his grief make it worse.
"What is it like not to feel anger or heartbreak and the need to stop at nothing to revenge the woman who gave birth to you?" Jim let out all of his grief, his anger, Amanda had died and he at least wanted to see Nero bloody, beaten and dead. He was letting his emotions out form Tevik, from twelve years of being tied to this race who did everything they could to push down emotions. Who could watch their own planet burn and not even weep. Jim understood it, he did, and that's why he hated it so much.
"You feel nothing! It must not even compute for you. You never loved her!"
It was all he needed. Spock launched himself at Jim in a rage. Jim put up a good fight, but a Vulcan, not holding back could do a lot of damage. Jim winced from his mind at just the wrong moment and Spock swung at his throat. Falling back, his throat was grabbed and Spock was intent on chocking him.
"Spock."
Jim didn't know whether it was really Sarek who calmed Spock. It could have been that Spock's telepathic touch picked up Jim's fear, his pain not only from Spock's blows but from the ringing in his ears, in the echoing of the dead. Either way, Spock got control over himself and finally Jim heard it in his voice. Grief, utter loss.
When Jim sat in the Captain's chair, he really hoped the other version of Spock was right. And he hoped without knowing exactly why, or even thinking about it, he hoped their own Spock would forgive him one day.
When Spock said that he was going alone onto Nero's ship, Jim couldn't let him do it, he wouldn't lose Amanda's only son as well today. After telling him that Jim was joining, Spock said, "I would state regulation, but I know you would simply ignore it." Trusting Spock, even a little, was not simple, or easy. It was for himself, for the other Spock and for her. Jim smiled and said, "See, we are getting to know one another," before he quickly reached out and slapped Spock's shoulder. Captain of No Bias.
The fight that ensued was exactly what he needed. He needed to let it all out, he felt no guilt, only hate and Tevik's overwhelming shock. When he heard the announcement that Spock had stopped the drill he felt a moment of relief. Earth, at least, was safe for now.
He found Pike alive, weak and tortured but alive and he hurried to get him out. Flashbacks of Tarsus came back, of the feeling of his wrist and ankle burning. Pushing it all down, he called for the Enterprise quickly. His heart was racing, he didn't know where or how far Spock had gotten. He just needed to get back to the ship. Fear coursed through him, panic, and he beamed out with Pike in his arms.
Spock was there and Scotty was an absolute genius. He was calm, he was Kolinahr, he pushed down his fury, his smug victory and the fact that he wanted to see them all burn. Jim Kirk wasn't Norep, he wasn't the bad guy, Jim Kirk was Amanda's friend. So he did what he thought a logical being would do. He did what an Emperor so rarely does. He offered mercy.
He wasn't at all affected when he got a fuck you instead.
When they couldn't move however, he grew nervous once again. His mind flared up, offering all the ways his crew were going to die. The shield cracked and he wondered how Adalyn would take the news, if she would hate his human decisions and Star Fleet as well. He thought oddly enough of Tevik, whose whole clan was gone, all except two cousins and his own father. Would it be better, he wondered, or would it hurt so much more?
When they were free, Jim felt an adrenaline rush that beat all others, quite a feat after the life he lived. And he couldn't help but look over at Spock, when he nodded in return, Jim felt his heart leap. This, he knew, was the first step to becoming who he wanted to be. He grinned, and Sulu chuckled with him, feeling the same surprise, the same sense of utter joy on the darkest day.
They separated when they landed. Everyone was quiet, the Vulcans were headed to their embassy's and Jim separated from Bones, giving him a hug. He went to his apartment, sat down, and after curling up, his head pounding, he hypoed himself and slept.
It was three days later when he was buzzed. He hadn't gone out, classes were cancelled and it was graduation in a week anyway. He hadn't showered and he was only in his boxers, he hadn't bothered to eat more than a bite or two of a bread roll and he had thrown that up. So he grumbled and let the buzzing pass.
It was a few hours later when he finally went to the door. This time it was his doorman from downstairs. He called, "Sir, there's a package for you." His head was too fuzzy to make any clear thought, so he merely opened the door and stared at Dimitri.
He didn't notice the sad look he got, only took the white box and shuffled back to the couch. Jim didn't notice the time, he didn't notice his hunger pains, or the fact that his leg was starting to cramp. He only felt Tevik, the pulsing, stinging, agony that centred in the back of his mind. It once more controlled him and he thought for the first time he might need help.
It was dark out, his lights came on automatically set on a dim setting. His eyes, focused for once in days, settled on the box. Frowning, he knew Bones didn't send it, he saw a card ontop and frowned even more. Was Dimitri sure this was for him? It was very old fashioned. He plucked the card out and sat up slowly.
He froze when he opened it. He knew those swirls, he knew the loops and sharp crosses. Vulcan. And he knew exactly who penned it.
I've tried contacting you but you've been busy lately. I just wanted to let you know Sarek and I will be arriving just after your graduation, if you're free we should get together for lunch. Soon, you'll be off to the stars and I'll never see you much then. I hope you're doing well and you can thank me when you see me next. I know you said I didn't need to get you anything on your last birthday but this is a special occasion and you should always celebrate those, you never know how many you're going to get. I miss you and hope to see you soon.
A.
Jim felt a lump rise up in his throat and his eyes started burning. He was wrapped up in her fluffy throw she had given him on his twenty third birthday. He looked at the box and with shaky hands untied it. Inside was something soft and silky, it was black with gold embellished on the panel.
Letting go is not weakness, it is the strength to forgive that shows greatness.
Jim rubbed the spirals and then noticed the S'chn T'gai clan symbol, small, ontop of his collar. Amanda had adopted him into her clan, thought of him perhaps as a son. She worried about him, he commed her when he needed to relax, to not think about the biggest exams he'd be put through. She had sent him Vulcan tea and soaps, rarities now. He really had considered her, his mother, or at least a type of mother, someone he could turn to when he needed help or when he needed someone to encourage him or listen without judgement. She had been that for him and he thought of Spock who was her real son, who had years with her and his heart broke for him as well. He picked up the silky robe and clutched it to him.
Finally, finally, he let himself weep for all that he lost, all of his worst dreams that had come true, come to light with the whole galaxy watching, and all that Vulcans had lost. He was still scared of them, still fighting Tevik in his mind, but he knew now he would always connect with them.
