Chapter 4: I Hate Myself
October 12, 2:18 P.M.
Alex and Maya's House
Alex's Bedroom
"Today started out
With a grey cloud
Turns out
It was a rain cloud
When the rain
Started to pour
All these feelings
At my door
And I know
I can't change it
But I wish
I could rearrange it
So that
I won't feel as bad as I do now
Every day
I'm just sitting
By the window
Every moment
I feel low
Every day
I feel like I might drown
Every second
I know my life's
upside down…"
Alex pulled the plugs out of his ears and looked outside the window. Of course the sky was grey. He sighed.
Even on his birthday the world wanted him to feel like shit. He wished he could be excited for some part of his birthday. But everyone always molded it into their own desires, or Maya's.
He groaned. Why did he have to be a twin? Why couldn't he be an only child? What was the point of being alive if everyone was just going to step all over him? Of course, he'd never have the guts to do it…
Alex unplugged the headphones, tossed them beside him, and hopped off his bed, sticking his phone in his pocket. He'd continue the song later.
The black and white bunny walked to the drawer and pulled out a pack of smokes. As long as his sister or parents didn't find out he was doing it, he'd be fine.
He took a lighter out, stuck the cigarette in his mouth, held it down with his teeth while he lit it, and then put the lighter down, holding the cigarette between his index and middle fingers. He put the cigarettes back in the drawer and shut it.
He walked to the window and unlocked it, struggling to slide it open, but eventually succeeding. He pulled the cigarette out of his mouth and breathed the smoke out slowly, watching it rise into the air.
"Alex, honey, we- Dear Lord!" His mom said storming into the room. Her brown fur was still wet from the shower. She smacked the cigarette out of Alex's hand, and it landed on the end of the curtain.
"What the hell were you thinking!? Are you hopping mad!? Do you want to get lung cancer!?" She yelled. Alex just watched, no words coming from his mouth.
It's not a surprise, I get yelled at every day. But I guess my birthday's going to be even worse now…
He sighed deeply. His mother was no longer yelling at him, she just shook her head in disbelief.
Alex wanted to hurl himself off a cliff. She'd find the rest of the cigarettes easily, then she'd take away the only thing that made him feel even a little bit happy.
Before he could open his mouth to say anything, a loud beeping sound made both his and his mother's ears spring up.
Alex felt a heat behind him, and he turned around swiftly, seeing the smoke and the start of a fire on the curtains. Of course his mom had to hit the cigarette out of his hand and start a fire.
She walked past him and tore the curtains down, stamping at the small fire with her feet. It was extinguished quickly, and she glared at Alex. "Great. Now we'll have to replace the curtains."
The whole time Alex's mother was there, he never spoke a word. He knew things would just be worse for him if he tried.
His mother left soon after the fire, and Alex returned to his bed. The smell of smoke lingered, and he picked up the ear plugs and pulled out his phone from his pocket. Once the earplugs were plugged in, he pushed play on the song he'd been listening to. He laid on his back and looked at the movie posters on his ceiling.
"Tonight ended fast
I was hoping
It would last
I met a girl
At the bar
We made some conversation
But it didn't go far
I slept
Having a nightmare
That felt like
It was there
And I know
I can't change it
Everything will always
Stay the same but
Nothing
Could ever make it better
When you live with this bad weather
Every day
I'm just sitting
By the window
Every moment
I feel low
Every day
I feel like I might drown
Every second
I know my life's
upside down
And nothing
Will ever
Turn it
Around…"
At this point, Alex didn't realize tears were rolling down his cheeks. Why was he crying? No song had ever made him feel anything emotionally.
He stared at the ceiling, the pictures and words on the posters were blurred by the tears that stung his eyes.
The song was in the middle of an instrumental solo. As the chorus repeated again, Alex mouthed the words with the singer.
With his mom finding out about his smoking habits, and his curtains catching on fire, and pretty much everything sucking, one might think Alex would want to just lay there and die, but he didn't.
He smiled a bit.
This was a good song.
